Here, as promised, is the thirteenth portion (including my review and bonus characters) of my in-depth Super Smash Bros. Brawl critique for Rorschach’s contest.

After writing this all out, I realized it is way too long for a single post. I’ll break it down into two characters at a time and release them over the course of the week so you can read who you like at your own leisure.

The following will detail my impressions and thoughts of every character in the second row of the final roster, two at a time. So, if you haven’t finished unlocking the entire roster, or have been living under a fucking rock for a couple months, don’t read any further. There may be a surprise or two mentioned herein. I’ll also offer up one or two suggestions for additional characters that I feel should have made the roster or deserve a spot in the next iteration. Enjoy.

Peach

Peach sucks. She has no redeeming moves or qualities. Actually, that’s not true. Her neutral B Toad whip out is cool. Only ‘cause it’s Toad. I suggest never even playing with her if you can avoid it.


Cockteasing whore.

Her only considerably decent move is her ass bump move (Over+B). It’s good for shortening the gap between you and an opponent. If you’re lucky your opponent will dodge or block the move and immediately proceed to smash you off the stage. You’re playing as Peach. You deserve to be KO’d. Believe me.

Also, she does have a golf club from Mario Golf. The fact I think Luigi should have that move makes me hate her more.

Her Final Smash is one of the lamest in the game. The whole “sleep” mechanic her and Jigglypuff use is stupid. Why Peach uses it I don’t know. Maybe to stress just how boring she is to play with? The world may never know. Either way, you can eat the peaches that appear afterward. I guess that’s useful. I’d rather have a more adept moveset, but whatever.

Peach = Fail. Arguably the worst character in the game. I’d rather play with Jigglypuff. That’s saying A LOT. She’s a cocktease and doesn’t deserve a roster spot, but she’ll continue to be included because of her prominence in the Mario titles. Sadly.

Yoshi

I never liked Yoshi. I have friends who are amazing with him, but that’s only because they spam his egg lay (neutral B) and spit everyone off the edge of the stage. His moveset is lame and he makes the most annoying noise in the game when he double jumps.



His aerial Down+A kick move is decent, it allows for a solid combo, especially on a group of opponents, but I find it only highly practical in the homerun contest.

His egg toss (Up+B) is the single worst recovery move in the game (it doesn’t help him recover) and is almost impossible to control using anything but the Wiimote+Nunchuk control combination. This renders the move wholly useless when you need to toss it anything but at its natural angle. Horizontal and vertical tosses are literally hit or miss. Sometimes aiming works, sometimes it doesn’t. Fuck it.

I highly despise Yoshi’s FS, too. I always enjoyed the mystique of the little guy. I liked not knowing what he was ever gonna grow up into. Finding out he’ll one day be a lame ass version of himself with feathered (?) wings and breathe fire like Charizard or Bowser makes me think Nintendo was at a loss for any real creativity. Damage-wise it’s better than some, but it’s certainly not the best. It’s definitely not enough to make up for the rest of his lame arsenal, though.

Yoshi = Fail. If he wasn’t adored by the general populace he wouldn’t be in the series to begin with. He worked in his own titles because he didn’t NEED to be able to do much. In Smash he just can’t hold a candle to the other fighters. He started off as Mario’s twisted Tauntaun for a reason: he’s not a deep character. That shows in Smash.

Thanks for reading. Come back tomorrow for the critique of Ganondorf and Ice Climbers!

Or read my review of the game!

Or, if you need to catch up on old critiques try these:

Mario and DK
Link and Samus
Kirby and Fox
Pikachu and Marth
Mr Game & Watch
Luigi and Diddy Kong
Zelda/Sheik and Pit
Meta Knight and Falco
Pokemon Trainer
Ike and Snake

And my bonus characters who should have made the roster:

Mega Man
Bomberman

Thanks for reading!