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[Update: Higher quality photos. Still not perfect, but much better.]

I'm a huge No More Heroes fan, so I was pretty excited for No More Heroes: Paradise. I'm a bit less than excited about the fact that there are still no plans of it coming to North America. Since I wasn't going to be picking this up at Best Buy in the foreseeable future, I ordered the Asian PS3 version from Play-Asia. Even though I didn't preorder it, they were cool enough to include the preorder bonus.

After taking the game out of the box I notice a packet wrapped in clear plastic. At the top of the packet was a big red piece of paper with the No More Heroes logo and the below words:

"Erotica Portrait
Sexy Cherry"

I opened it up and found six erotic drawings of female No More Heroes characters. Five of them I've never seen on the internet. If you haven't either than you can change that right now! Only crappy iPhone pics for now, but I may be able to get better ones up later today or tomorrow. I'll make more of an effort if anyone expresses interest (edit: better photos are up. I may still scan them someday, but probably not). I guess the cherry picture is exclusive to the PS3 version and the 360 version got a mango picture.

Oh yeah, the game is good too.
Photo Photo Photo

Avast! These waters be infested with spoilers. Proceed only if’n ye beat the game or ye don’t care about them spoilers. Arg.
First off, this is my first non-Diglett related blog post. I figured I’d write a little introduction paragraph here. Not because I think you care, but because I want to be absolutely sure that no spoilers make it on to the community front page. My name is Jon; I like Pizza and video games. I wish I could grow sideburns, but I can’t. This should be enough.

Ok, there seems to be a terrible problem with people and video game narratives these days. They expect everything to be spoon fed to them. They call places a game doesn’t explicitly tie up loose ends for them a “plot hole”. All you need to do is use your brain and just a little bit of imagination to take those loose ends and tie them up nicely. Ethan’s blackouts, Madison showing up at Ethan’s hotel, Scott Shelby being older than his twin brother; all this and more will be satisfactorily explained in this post. Keep in mind that this all applies to my one and only playthrough of the game. You may have to use your brain if any of my explanations contradict your playthrough.

Ethan’s blackouts are the first point I want to cover. While you never get to see what happens when Ethan is blacked out in a game, you do get a clue. Whenever he comes to, he has an origami figure in his hand. I can think of two explanations for this. Either he is the Origami Killer (he’s not) or he spends his blacked out time creating adorable little origami figures (after all, all you need is access to paper to create origami). This is all subconscious, of course. The “real” Ethan may not even know how to do Origami. The fact that these blackouts stop happening after his son is kidnapped by the Origami Killer supports this theory; he is now disgusted by origami and no longer has an uncontrollable subconscious urge to create origami art. In my game his wife said something about him coming home one night and talking about drowning kids or something with a crazy look in his eye. He was probably drunk.

Now that I have presented you with a 100% satisfactory explanation of Ethan’s blackouts, it’s time to move on. Madison’s insomnia is easily explained. In fact she does it herself! If you talk to Ethan when he’s showering at the motel when you first meet him, Madison will reveal that the only cure to her insomnia is sleeping at motels; perfectly reasonable, if you ask me. When I get a headache, I have to take medicine and drink a cup of tea. It’s kind of like that, I imagine. Everything else can be explained by the fact that she was a journalist. From what I understand, journalists can pretty easily get any information they want. All they need to do is sweet talk their boss or something. They can get your cell phone number or even the number to an FBI agent working on the case their writing a story on. You’d better watch out for those tricky journalists. They’ll fuck you when your kid is slowly drowning to get a good story.

Here’s the best part. I can explain everything that you don’t understand about Shelby. This is all thanks to an alternate scene I got when the guy at the clock store was murdered. I thought it was a glitch and was super pissed when Shelby was revealed as the killer, but I have since realized that it’s a special scene that Quantic Dream put in for awesome gamers like me. According to a YouTube video I watched it’s supposed to cut to Lauren looking at that music box when the clock is chiming. Supposedly Shelby goes and kills the owner during this time. This is not what happened in my game. For me, the camera stayed on Shelby the entire time and he just stood there! I have used my powers of logic and reasoning, and came to the conclusion that Shelby is not the killer, yet you do see him kill the guy in a flashback. I will explain this contradiction shortly.

Once you understand how Shelby is older than his twin brother you will then understand how he simultaneously did not kill and killed the shopkeeper at the same time. Scott’s twin brother died at the age of 10 in 1977. From this we can deduce that both John and Scott Sheppard were born in 1967. The game takes place in 2011, making Scott 44. At least it would’ve made him 44, but he is 48. Somehow, Scott aged an extra four years between 1977 and 2011 and I think I know how.
Scott Shelby is a time traveler. In 2016 he goes back in time to become the Origami killer. He has the perfect alibi. He knows that the younger version of himself will take the case and that he’ll never suspect himself as the Origami Killer. Therefore, there are two Scott Shelbys in Heavy Rain: the 44 year old “Good Scott” and the 48 year old “Bad Scott”. Whenever you play as Shelby you are Good Shelby (except maybe when he wastes all of Kramer’s body guards, I haven’t decided.) The Shelby that shows up at the end is Bad Shelby. Who knows where Good Shelby is during the ending. He’s probably still working on catching the killer somewhere, or taking that long overdue dump that seems to plague everyone in the city. I do know that he is alive somewhere, because I got the “Four Heroes” trophy.
There are two questions that remain and I can only answer one of them. The first being, how did the media know that Bad Shelby was 48? We’ve already arrived at the conclusion that journalists can easily get any information that they want, so that’s an easy one. The second is what part does Jayden play in all of this? You know he has to be from the future with those future glasses and future drugs. Was he sent back after Shelby? Is he the Kyle Reese of this story? Why didn't he contribute to my narrative at all?

Either that or it was badly written...

7:22 PM on 03.12.2010

Diglett: A ground/fecal Pokemon. Diglett is fecal matter expelled by other Pokemon that has somehow become sentient. It has been theorized that Pokepoo gains experience points simply being within close proximity of a Pokemon battle and eventually evolves into Diglett, but there is little to no evidence to support this. What the buried portion of Diglett looks like remains a mystery, as no Pokemon professors are willing to study this Pokemon.