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Occam's Awesome Box: AwesomeExMachina Edition - Destructoid

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Twenty four years ago I was adorable. Now I'm inquisitive and hilarious.



I have a plastic tooth to replace one lost in a mosh pit during my more ridiculous high school years. I speak shitty German and I ride a bike. My Xbox gets so much use, I'm sometimes embarassed. But I'm unemployed, so my time is spent writing blogs on the internet, reading good literary fiction, and playing video games.

In the grand scale of things, I'm a late-bloomer. My parents banned all consoles from my house as a kid. See what you've done? Now I game constantly to make up for years of lost time.

I won't list my favorites, because you've probably seen ten lists like it before me.

There's a life-sized Boba Fett standee in my living room.

No Clip Series:
Grand Theft Auto IV
Fallout New Vegas
Red Dead Redemption

Journalism!:
The Slapstick Cephalopod: An Interview with the Octodad Team
Chicago Night Fights: Marvel vs Capcom 3
Inventing the Paint: An Interview with Author Tom Bissell
Top 10 Greatest Tiny Video Game Characters

Front-Paged Monthly Musings:
Groundhog Day: The Liberty to Pursue
Teh Bias: Critical Errors at Surface Level
Alternate Reality:Time for a new job
Something About E3: Imaginings from 20 Years Ago
The Great Escape: Tiny plastic guitars and wiimotes
My Expertise: Latent Racial Bonus
The Future: Overdoing the Over-the-Top
Love/Hate: A Gentleman's Baffling Love for Collecting Furniture
Nothing is Sacred: Games Taking Themselves Too Seriously

Worth reading:
We Are Destructoid
Writing on the Wall: How Graffiti Builds Universes
Combating Lawlessness in the Wild West of Red Dead Redemption
Being a Coward on Purpose
What Bringing About the Fictional Zombie Apocalypse Taught Me About Game Design
Why Video Game Designers Need to Watch the Road Warrior
The Needless Shit We Gamers Do

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Our waking world is composed of oddities and immutable truths. Some things are constant; the effect of gravity, the elemental qualities of matter, the transference of energy, and - more important than all of them - the infinite excellence of a man named Occams Electric Toothbrush. But he is also an incongruity of nature, as a man so fantastic and benevolent that it forces the question of if he's even a human at all. Of course, the fact that he has a lizard brain doesn't help.

In a moment of passing compliments, I told Occam's how much I enjoyed the posts of those care packages sent off to other Dtoiders with stunning regularity. Before I could even finish my sentence, he offered to angle his gift-giving talents my way, like a magnanimous trebuchet aimed at the ramparts of our friendship. The man is a freight train of generosity.

So, without a moment's delay, a package comes rolling up on my doorstep. My roommate presents it to me with some apprehension.



"This is either a mail bomb or a fan letter from a 11-year-old girl," my roommate said. "Or possibly both." His assessment wasn't abstract, either. Their was a tender care evident in the gentle placement of the Lisa Frank cupcake stickers, which stood in alarming conflict to the gruff penmanship of a man-hand, which may or may not have been clutching brass knuckles as it was written. Lil' Princess Unibomber.

BUT WHAT IS INSIDE THIS PACKET OF SWEATY BRO-LOVE?

AMPLE BOUNTIES, THAT'S WHAT, DICK-BUCKET.



GENUINE APPRECIATION OF ANOTHER HUMAN BEING TOO, YOU EXPIRED PUDDLE OF KNEE-SWEAT.



RACIAL STEROTYPES, THAT'S WHAT, YOU TAINT GARGLER.



OTHER STUFF, TOO, FRIEND. Sorry if I was agressive earlier. These presents are just TOO GOOD.











Do you see now what I refer to? Occam's is a towering monolith of win. Seriously, he's a man like no oth- Wait. Wait. Go back a second. Yeah. To that picture with all the cards. What's that on my -



No, no. On the keyboard there. Zoom in. Enhance.



What is-



Photo Photo Photo



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