Our waking world is composed of oddities and immutable truths. Some things are constant; the effect of gravity, the elemental qualities of matter, the transference of energy, and - more important than all of them - the infinite excellence of a man named Occams Electric Toothbrush. But he is also an incongruity of nature, as a man so fantastic and benevolent that it forces the question of if he's even a human at all. Of course, the fact that he has a lizard brain doesn't help.
In a moment of passing compliments, I told Occam's how much I enjoyed the posts of those care packages sent off to other Dtoiders with stunning regularity. Before I could even finish my sentence, he offered to angle his gift-giving talents my way, like a magnanimous trebuchet aimed at the ramparts of our friendship. The man is a freight train of generosity.
So, without a moment's delay, a package comes rolling up on my doorstep. My roommate presents it to me with some apprehension.
"This is either a mail bomb or a fan letter from a 11-year-old girl," my roommate said. "Or possibly both." His assessment wasn't abstract, either. Their was a tender care evident in the gentle placement of the Lisa Frank cupcake stickers, which stood in alarming conflict to the gruff penmanship of a man-hand, which may or may not have been clutching brass knuckles as it was written. Lil' Princess Unibomber.
BUT WHAT IS INSIDE THIS PACKET OF SWEATY BRO-LOVE?
AMPLE BOUNTIES, THAT'S WHAT, DICK-BUCKET.
GENUINE APPRECIATION OF ANOTHER HUMAN BEING TOO, YOU EXPIRED PUDDLE OF KNEE-SWEAT.
RACIAL STEROTYPES, THAT'S WHAT, YOU TAINT GARGLER.
OTHER STUFF, TOO, FRIEND. Sorry if I was agressive earlier. These presents are just TOO GOOD.
Do you see now what I refer to? Occam's is a towering monolith of win. Seriously, he's a man like no oth- Wait. Wait. Go back a second. Yeah. To that picture with all the cards. What's that on my -
No, no. On the keyboard there. Zoom in. Enhance.