Twenty four years ago I was adorable. Now I'm inquisitive and hilarious.
I have a plastic tooth to replace one lost in a mosh pit during my more ridiculous high school years. I speak shitty German and I ride a bike. My Xbox gets so much use, I'm sometimes embarassed. But I'm unemployed, so my time is spent writing blogs on the internet, reading good literary fiction, and playing video games.
In the grand scale of things, I'm a late-bloomer. My parents banned all consoles from my house as a kid. See what you've done? Now I game constantly to make up for years of lost time.
I won't list my favorites, because you've probably seen ten lists like it before me.
There's a life-sized Boba Fett standee in my living room.
Our waking world is composed of oddities and immutable truths. Some things are constant; the effect of gravity, the elemental qualities of matter, the transference of energy, and - more important than all of them - the infinite excellence of a man named Occams Electric Toothbrush. But he is also an incongruity of nature, as a man so fantastic and benevolent that it forces the question of if he's even a human at all. Of course, the fact that he has a lizard brain doesn't help.
In a moment of passing compliments, I told Occam's how much I enjoyed the posts of those care packages sent off to other Dtoiders with stunning regularity. Before I could even finish my sentence, he offered to angle his gift-giving talents my way, like a magnanimous trebuchet aimed at the ramparts of our friendship. The man is a freight train of generosity.
So, without a moment's delay, a package comes rolling up on my doorstep. My roommate presents it to me with some apprehension.
"This is either a mail bomb or a fan letter from a 11-year-old girl," my roommate said. "Or possibly both." His assessment wasn't abstract, either. Their was a tender care evident in the gentle placement of the Lisa Frank cupcake stickers, which stood in alarming conflict to the gruff penmanship of a man-hand, which may or may not have been clutching brass knuckles as it was written. Lil' Princess Unibomber.
BUT WHAT IS INSIDE THIS PACKET OF SWEATY BRO-LOVE?
AMPLE BOUNTIES, THAT'S WHAT, DICK-BUCKET.
GENUINE APPRECIATION OF ANOTHER HUMAN BEING TOO, YOU EXPIRED PUDDLE OF KNEE-SWEAT.
RACIAL STEROTYPES, THAT'S WHAT, YOU TAINT GARGLER.
OTHER STUFF, TOO, FRIEND. Sorry if I was agressive earlier. These presents are just TOO GOOD.
Do you see now what I refer to? Occam's is a towering monolith of win. Seriously, he's a man like no oth- Wait. Wait. Go back a second. Yeah. To that picture with all the cards. What's that on my -