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2:57 AM on 08.16.2010

I know what happens in Bioshock: Infinite (aka SkyoShock predictions)

I know everything about Bioshock, being Atlas and all. So let me reveal exactly how the plot will twist.

- The character, Elizabeth, is what keeps the city floating. Without her it will crash.

- Andrew Ryan won't have anything to do with Columbia.

- It will crash and be destroyed after Elizabeth is removed, or she will die when removed, or both.

- Someone important from Bioshock will have a cameo appearance.

- The main character Booker, will jump to his death at the end of the bad ending after Elizabeth dies and Columbia is crashing to the ground.

- In the happy ending both survive and Columbia crashes to the ground.

- There will be too much white, red, and blue. Too many baddies will be dressed like Uncle Sam.

- The man who approaches Booker turns out to want to destroy Columbia, and knows it will be destroyed by the removal of Elizabeth.

- The city will probably be under the rule of someone who is hyper-religious and trying to bring on some sort of apocalypse by using the massive armaments on Columbia to fulfill some kind of prophecy.

- The city probably was seized by this person and hid it away to fulfill some other prophecy.

- Plus, this ruler has probably sent that guy (or maybe it even was him) to see Booker to get him aboard to fulfill yet another necessary prophecy.

- Plasmids will be re-imagined as some other cheesy thing that grants super powers.

- Booker is really being led into a trap and Elizabeth is leading him into it, whether she knows it or not.

- There will be a separate faction that aids the main character, possibly betrays him

- That giant mechanical thing with a heart was once a man, now he works for the ruler of Columbia as some kind of mind controlled organic robot you might be able to free.

- The giant mechanical crow gets fucked and crashes. It's probably ridden by some guy or remote controlled.

My rejected plot twists

- Brigid Tenenbaum is the person who created Elizabeth, kind of like a precursor to Little Sisters. (unfortunately Tenenbaum was born circa 1930 according to Bioshock Wiki).

- Andrew Ryan is the one who approaches Booker, since he wants Columbia destroyed since it represents a lot of what he hates. (According to BioWiki he was in Russia until 1919 and was influenced by autocratic rule and communism).

- Atlas is Fontaine


*If any of these come true I will somehow have pulled answers out of my ass two years before the game is even out, therefore making me psychic. Also, I realize some of my predictions conflict with each other.*

Feel free to add your own. Lets see how they stack up two years from now.   read


4:42 AM on 07.02.2010

Would you kindly let me spoil your games?

Atlas is Fontaine

Samus is a woman

The main character IS Darth Revan

Aeris dies

Your dog dies

Tidus isn't real

The Collectors are actually Protheans

Carmine dies

The princess is in another castle

John Marston gets killed by the army and you finish the game as his son

Carmine dies again

The galaxy is purged of intelligent life every 50,000 years

Sheik is Zelda

Kratos killed his family and is the son of Zeus

Altair sucks ass

Please feel free to add to my list.   read


3:12 PM on 03.20.2010

How does Wailord fit inside a Pokeball?

I don't understand.





  read


4:21 PM on 03.18.2010

Happy Fortieth Birthday Destructoid

I can't believe it has been forty years since Niero created Destructoid. After all these years it has remained awesome, only a little less so when Niero disappeared in the Brazilian jungle seventeen years ago. But we carry on, and with forty years worth of memories.

Nex begged to come back. His request was denied. Robert Summa came back, got a permaban. He came back again anyways.



Hamza remains steadfast. Neither showering nor shaving for years at a time, he truly is a capable webmaster. We salute you.

Unfortunately, over time we have lost some fine members of the community. Brad Nicholson got crushed under thirty men at the bottom of a human pyramid. Chad Concelmo was consumed by a pod of killer dolphins. And poor Electro Lemon....



Hmmm. Necros? He found Allah.



And Jim Sterling? He decided to kill the trolls by reducing the amount of insults they could throw at him tenfold. He still thinks his body is shit-hot, however.



Yeah, it really was a crazy forty years. But the memories last a lifetime.   read


2:47 AM on 03.13.2010

OK, guys, we gotta rap some Pokémon.

[embed]166836:28206[/embed]



You just do the singing. I'll take care of the hard part.   read


11:29 PM on 02.17.2010

Why are Guards Psychic?



Guards. Some of them have telepathic abilities. They can see you when you are out of site. They know when their friends attack you. Hell, they even know when you stealth kill someone. This is a real conspiracy. It's up to Atlas to once again reveal the true nature of PSYCHIC GUARDS.



These guards are ruining the fabric of society. Tearing it apart. Into. Little. Pieces! OK?



I fear all hope is lost. Can we ever repair the damage? How the in the fucking world are we going to reconcile telepathy with modern games? This phenomenon isn't contained to Oblivion.

What about Fable? Peter Molyneux told us all about real-time weapon changes, massive damage, and growing oak trees.... BUT HE DID NOT MENTION THAT THOSE GUARDS OPERATE A TELEPATHIC COMMUNICATION GRID! In fact, why the fuck do they all have the same voice. Why do they all have the same face? Cloning, Molyneux? In a medieval hack-n-slash that can be beaten in three hours!

Don't forget about Dark Athena + Butcher Bay. The guards.... they just know...





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If you just look closely enough..... Donkey Kong is in this picture twisted and deformed.... I found it randomly and it scares me.

THANKS FOR PLAYING   read


4:23 AM on 02.10.2010

Why are Mushrooms Bouncy?

Mushrooms. Step on one. It will crumble before your magnificent visage. No recoil. No rebound. Just a mushroom flattened before your very eyes. How could humanity twist such a creature? How could we destroy the very concept of a mushroom and replace it with grand notions of instant healing, resurrection, or even bounciness?

The thought spontaneously appeared in my head one day. Why are mushrooms bouncy? No mushroom has ever been seen to propel people into the air like a trampoline; no mushroom has ever bounced from a fall! From whence did they come? What are their origins?



I look back from more recent entries like Mushroom Men to old favorites like Super Mario Bros. Old, hidden-away evidence unveils that the bouncy mushroom goes back in history even further. Beyond this my trail leads into darkness. No internet search, however hard you try, will yield any success. Nor are there any books on the matter. Probably stricken from the records in ages past as an attempt to hide this insidiousness. Someone is behind it all. But who?

We definitely know some entity is responsible for this perversion to society. How else could we explain the intrusion of mushrooms into our games? Morrowind has enveloping swaths of mushroom forests. The Fly Amanita Cap dominates every township of Cyrodiil. Donkey Kong 64 even has an entire stage dedicated to jump-enhancing fungi. Don't even get me started on the blasphemy of Super Mario. A powerful agent was needed to accomplish this, and we now think we know who.

The leading theories generally agree on one thing. This phenomenon can be tracked back over half a century ago. All the way back to 1945.



Yes, it was Hitler himself who uttered "bounz en ze mucht rooms" in his final breath, roughly translating to "the mushrooms, they will bounce". This is the source of why mushrooms are now perceived to be bouncy. The work on mushroom bouncing was continued in Argentina by Hitler's scientists until the late 1970's when a young, naive Japanese man was indoctrinated and brainwashed for this cause. His name was Shigeru Miyamoto......

My last words are a warning; the bouncy mushroom is a lie. We are being deceived. Trust no one. You have been warned!



PS: There actually was no freaking ANYTHING about bouncy mushrooms. Considered yourself enlightened.   read


10:06 PM on 11.09.2009

Hey Paisano



Hey, did I do it right? Can I get past the border now, meng?   read


2:29 AM on 10.25.2009

Destructoid Burnout (too much of a good thing?)

So.... six months since my last blog post. I can recall doing this once or twice before. I get real into Destructoid, so much that I write blog after blog like I'm getting paid for it. I make tons of comments. Read all the news stories and blogs. I spend every waking hour in front of the computer browsing Destructoid. And then...... I crash.

I stop blogging. Stop commenting. Stop visiting the site altogether. Usually this is accompanied by a lack of interest in any games. I only started playing games a few weeks ago after six months. That is probably the reason I am here. It would seem I lose interest in Destructoid when I burn out on games.

It seems like a vicious cycle. I go strong for maybe a month, sometimes a couple, then I have a long period of dormancy. Is this usual for people who have been here for years or am I just a weirdo? It would seem to me that the site is lacking quite a few regulars I remember, has tons of new people and features (that need to be explained to me... leaderboards anyone?), and that poor soul Ron Workman has been reduced to banality on some backwater quasi-blog.



Workman: A man or a myth?


So..... can there be such a thing as too much of Destructoid?   read


9:39 PM on 04.19.2009

Internet pirates found guilty, sentenced to a year in jail

Pirate Bay founders Peter Sunde, Fredrik Neij, Gottfrid Svartholm and Carl Lundström were all found guilty of promoting the copyright infringement of others, and sentenced to serve one year in prison and pay a fine of over 3.5 million U.S. dollars.



Trouble started in 2006 with a police raid. The raid effectively shut down Pirate Bay.... for three whole days. Obviously feeling invincible the websites founders have continued on; supporting piracy and file sharing. It has now bit them in the ass. The website itself has felt no ill effects; Pirate Bay is one of the largest BitTorrent operations in the world and has not even been scratched while its founders appeal the verdict. This may be subject to change but for now you can still download torrents off of Pirate Bay.

(Read here for more info)   read


11:50 PM on 04.18.2009

Those about to die: ME

I'm not too fond of games that travel the well worn and tested routes, the games where you rescue the princess and live happily ever after (well... only until the sequel of course). These videogames are a dime a dozen. Regardless, you still get to spend sixty dollars every time you purchase one of these games.

No, what I am looking for is the games that take the standard formula and shove it up your ass. Games that rip out your eyeballs and make you plead for more. You don't want the game to end. Except you don't have any choice; the main character is dead!

These games aren't your average Oblivion. You can't wander around aimlessly spending most of your time taking virtual shits; feeding your wizard with the enchanted eggplants that you wasted thirty real life hours growing in your magical twat garden. These games end when they end. This is no happy Jesus story; they sacrifice more than a long weekend in order to save the auxiliary characters ass.




What an end they have; better to go out with a boom than with a whimper.


Now don't take this at face value. Fallout 3 had a terrible ending. No noble suicide can recover all the potential fun you have punching rabid dogs to death and blasting the limbs off of some poor bastard. Who can resist killing the sheriff with the awesome hat? That hat was meant for us to wear!

It's true that most games that have you die are very lame. Games where you get the "bad" ending like True Crime: Streets of LA or Max Payne. Even when you get the "good" ending you can end up dying in a very unsatisfactory way; take Bioshock for example.


[embed]129202:18815[/embed]

Jade Empire had one of the worst suicidal endings. Luckily, two other mediocre options were available.


But what about the games done right? Games like Shadow of the Colossus. While you may have been reincarnated into some demonic infant you were definitely stricken dead for at least a moment or two. That was a game done right, start to finish. Each colossi you kill changes you more and more into a devilish beast. Eventually your skin pales, your eyes grow dark, small horns grow on your forehead. For the grand finale you are forced to sacrifice yourself to save the mysterious women you love. Lord Emon and his troop of warriors ring you through and send the spirit Dormin from whence he came. The colossi dead, the protagonist dead, and Dormin absent leaving the young maiden you protected revived from her deathly slumber almost alone. With her is a baby, seemingly a part of you left behind. But you yourself, you are dead.

Another good example is Call of Duty 4. While the character was never really fleshed out it was still a depressing experience to feel his heart beat in your hand. You could feel the beats slow as you controlled him through debris strewn wreckage. After a minute of crawling, of feeling death creep ever near, his heart stops beating and you know that a main character just died. Granted, he was never very important (exacerbated by the fact not one of you will know his name offhand) but it was still a unique experience. Novelty is a sweet thing.





Nathan Hale played an absolutely integral part in Resistance: Fall of Man and its sequel. As the series moved on Hale found himself overwhelmed by the very thing that had until that point saved his life. After much hardship, spending years fighting the nigh invincible Chimera Nathan drew his last breaths making the most out of the final hours of his life, fighting the Chimera nearly to the end. It finally murdered his humanity and killed the character we spent all of our time with throughout two whole games.


The hardest games to see your characters die in are the games where you spent hours upon hours of your life customizing them. Never once will someone ignore the death of a beloved party member (no doubt wearing irreplaceable equipment). These digital men and women have stayed with you through the course of the game and now they are gone. A real feeling of loss rises inside of you. This is much more pronounce in games where you tailor your little people for weeks at a time. The Sims is a great example. Raising a polygonal person from babyhood to old age is a gratifying experience. Spending time building their house, their skills; running their careers and building their families. And then suddenly you are left with only good memories of the deceased. Thus is the tragedy of spending a large chunk of your life bonding with your Sim.

It's games like these that freshen up a tired, old experience. The injection of life in a cliche ridden genre. The death of a main character, a heroes sacrifice, can be done right. Perhaps we should be thankfully that it rarely ever is; one day this idea too will be worn out. But not yet.   read


9:01 PM on 04.13.2009

For Those About to Die: YOU CANNOT DIE YOU ARE A ROBOT!

How is it that a final boss can die at the end of a game if he was never once alive? Will Smith destroyed a contingent of plastic bullies in "I, Robot" but he did not technically ever kill a single one of those angry mannequin gadgets. They had no life to take.

So be it. Let our shallow understand of what is life dictate to us if our favorite villains have died. Did Mechagodzilla die? Sure he did; I fucked him up, he fell to pieces, good enough. But what about us few who want to fully explore underlying themes in our favorite games, us few who manage to find meaning in petty games where there is no meaning? We brave few delve into the dark annals of videogame history to see if our foes ever did die. Once we deeply examine our games we find it is simply not so easy.


Misunderstood genius or greedy computer mastermind?

Dr. Ivo Robotnik is one such example. Hidden in the not-so-subtle nuances of his name we find that he may indeed be of robotic origin. A product of centuries of human innovation. Does he still walk among us, rebuilt and better than before? Is he dead? Was he ever really killed? Whatever the answer we will strive boldly where no man has gone before breaking into secrets and conspiracies of international proportions. This is one hedgehog's nightmare.

What of the bird and the bear? They have faced menaces of metal, gigantic steel hulks, Weldar and witches.



I am of course speaking of Banjo and Kazooie. They have fought enemies like Robo-Gruntilda in her massive drilling machine to visually impaired welding torches.

[embed]128586:18717[/embed]

The epic saga of good versus evil, of noble animal versus insidious magician will never end. Grunty is a fine example of one who cannot be killed. She lingers on; her bones held together by money grubbing corporations looking to milk just a couple more dollars out of her. Gruntilda is a victim of her own success, never once allowed to lay peacefully buried in the ground.... under a boulder.

And so we somehow manage to get to the screaming question; can Mr. Destructoid be killed? Is he truly a robot? Is he simply a man in disguise? For all we know this cast-iron crusader could be here with us now, never alive, never dead, impossible to destroy.   read


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