Atlas's Profile - destructoid


Atlas's blog

Member since: 2007-09-16 19:15:00
Atlas's blogs   
  • Promoted Blogs   

  • 4:23 AM on 02.10.2010  

    Why are Mushrooms Bouncy?

    Mushrooms. Step on one. It will crumble before your magnificent visage. No recoil. No rebound. Just a mushroom flattened before your very eyes. How could humanity twist such a creature? How could we destroy the very concept of a mushroom and replace it with grand notions of instant healing, resurrection, or even bounciness?

    The thought spontaneously appeared in my head one day. Why are mushrooms bouncy? No mushroom has ever been seen to propel people into the air like a trampoline; no mushroom has ever bounced from a fall! From whence did they come? What are their origins?



    I look back from more recent entries like Mushroom Men to old favorites like Super Mario Bros. Old, hidden-away evidence unveils that the bouncy mushroom goes back in history even further. Beyond this my trail leads into darkness. No internet search, however hard you try, will yield any success. Nor are there any books on the matter. Probably stricken from the records in ages past as an attempt to hide this insidiousness. Someone is behind it all. But who?

    We definitely know some entity is responsible for this perversion to society. How else could we explain the intrusion of mushrooms into our games? Morrowind has enveloping swaths of mushroom forests. The Fly Amanita Cap dominates every township of Cyrodiil. Donkey Kong 64 even has an entire stage dedicated to jump-enhancing fungi. Don't even get me started on the blasphemy of Super Mario. A powerful agent was needed to accomplish this, and we now think we know who.

    The leading theories generally agree on one thing. This phenomenon can be tracked back over half a century ago. All the way back to 1945.



    Yes, it was Hitler himself who uttered "bounz en ze mucht rooms" in his final breath, roughly translating to "the mushrooms, they will bounce". This is the source of why mushrooms are now perceived to be bouncy. The work on mushroom bouncing was continued in Argentina by Hitler's scientists until the late 1970's when a young, naive Japanese man was indoctrinated and brainwashed for this cause. His name was Shigeru Miyamoto......

    My last words are a warning; the bouncy mushroom is a lie. We are being deceived. Trust no one. You have been warned!



    PS: There actually was no freaking ANYTHING about bouncy mushrooms. Considered yourself enlightened.
    READ / UPVOTE / COMMENT

    10:06 PM on 11.09.2009  

    Hey Paisano



    Hey, did I do it right? Can I get past the border now, meng?
    READ / UPVOTE / COMMENT

    2:29 AM on 10.25.2009  

    Destructoid Burnout (too much of a good thing?)

    So.... six months since my last blog post. I can recall doing this once or twice before. I get real into Destructoid, so much that I write blog after blog like I'm getting paid for it. I make tons of comments. Read all the news stories and blogs. I spend every waking hour in front of the computer browsing Destructoid. And then...... I crash.

    I stop blogging. Stop commenting. Stop visiting the site altogether. Usually this is accompanied by a lack of interest in any games. I only started playing games a few weeks ago after six months. That is probably the reason I am here. It would seem I lose interest in Destructoid when I burn out on games.

    It seems like a vicious cycle. I go strong for maybe a month, sometimes a couple, then I have a long period of dormancy. Is this usual for people who have been here for years or am I just a weirdo? It would seem to me that the site is lacking quite a few regulars I remember, has tons of new people and features (that need to be explained to me... leaderboards anyone?), and that poor soul Ron Workman has been reduced to banality on some backwater quasi-blog.



    Workman: A man or a myth?


    So..... can there be such a thing as too much of Destructoid?
    READ / UPVOTE / COMMENT

    9:39 PM on 04.19.2009  

    Internet pirates found guilty, sentenced to a year in jail

    Pirate Bay founders Peter Sunde, Fredrik Neij, Gottfrid Svartholm and Carl Lundström were all found guilty of promoting the copyright infringement of others, and sentenced to serve one year in prison and pay a fine of over 3.5 million U.S. dollars.



    Trouble started in 2006 with a police raid. The raid effectively shut down Pirate Bay.... for three whole days. Obviously feeling invincible the websites founders have continued on; supporting piracy and file sharing. It has now bit them in the ass. The website itself has felt no ill effects; Pirate Bay is one of the largest BitTorrent operations in the world and has not even been scratched while its founders appeal the verdict. This may be subject to change but for now you can still download torrents off of Pirate Bay.

    (Read here for more info)
    READ / UPVOTE / COMMENT

    11:50 PM on 04.18.2009  

    Those about to die: ME

    I'm not too fond of games that travel the well worn and tested routes, the games where you rescue the princess and live happily ever after (well... only until the sequel of course). These videogames are a dime a dozen. Regardless, you still get to spend sixty dollars every time you purchase one of these games.

    No, what I am looking for is the games that take the standard formula and shove it up your ass. Games that rip out your eyeballs and make you plead for more. You don't want the game to end. Except you don't have any choice; the main character is dead!

    These games aren't your average Oblivion. You can't wander around aimlessly spending most of your time taking virtual shits; feeding your wizard with the enchanted eggplants that you wasted thirty real life hours growing in your magical twat garden. These games end when they end. This is no happy Jesus story; they sacrifice more than a long weekend in order to save the auxiliary characters ass.




    What an end they have; better to go out with a boom than with a whimper.


    Now don't take this at face value. Fallout 3 had a terrible ending. No noble suicide can recover all the potential fun you have punching rabid dogs to death and blasting the limbs off of some poor bastard. Who can resist killing the sheriff with the awesome hat? That hat was meant for us to wear!

    It's true that most games that have you die are very lame. Games where you get the "bad" ending like True Crime: Streets of LA or Max Payne. Even when you get the "good" ending you can end up dying in a very unsatisfactory way; take Bioshock for example.




    Jade Empire had one of the worst suicidal endings. Luckily, two other mediocre options were available.


    But what about the games done right? Games like Shadow of the Colossus. While you may have been reincarnated into some demonic infant you were definitely stricken dead for at least a moment or two. That was a game done right, start to finish. Each colossi you kill changes you more and more into a devilish beast. Eventually your skin pales, your eyes grow dark, small horns grow on your forehead. For the grand finale you are forced to sacrifice yourself to save the mysterious women you love. Lord Emon and his troop of warriors ring you through and send the spirit Dormin from whence he came. The colossi dead, the protagonist dead, and Dormin absent leaving the young maiden you protected revived from her deathly slumber almost alone. With her is a baby, seemingly a part of you left behind. But you yourself, you are dead.

    Another good example is Call of Duty 4. While the character was never really fleshed out it was still a depressing experience to feel his heart beat in your hand. You could feel the beats slow as you controlled him through debris strewn wreckage. After a minute of crawling, of feeling death creep ever near, his heart stops beating and you know that a main character just died. Granted, he was never very important (exacerbated by the fact not one of you will know his name offhand) but it was still a unique experience. Novelty is a sweet thing.





    Nathan Hale played an absolutely integral part in Resistance: Fall of Man and its sequel. As the series moved on Hale found himself overwhelmed by the very thing that had until that point saved his life. After much hardship, spending years fighting the nigh invincible Chimera Nathan drew his last breaths making the most out of the final hours of his life, fighting the Chimera nearly to the end. It finally murdered his humanity and killed the character we spent all of our time with throughout two whole games.


    The hardest games to see your characters die in are the games where you spent hours upon hours of your life customizing them. Never once will someone ignore the death of a beloved party member (no doubt wearing irreplaceable equipment). These digital men and women have stayed with you through the course of the game and now they are gone. A real feeling of loss rises inside of you. This is much more pronounce in games where you tailor your little people for weeks at a time. The Sims is a great example. Raising a polygonal person from babyhood to old age is a gratifying experience. Spending time building their house, their skills; running their careers and building their families. And then suddenly you are left with only good memories of the deceased. Thus is the tragedy of spending a large chunk of your life bonding with your Sim.

    It's games like these that freshen up a tired, old experience. The injection of life in a cliche ridden genre. The death of a main character, a heroes sacrifice, can be done right. Perhaps we should be thankfully that it rarely ever is; one day this idea too will be worn out. But not yet.
    READ / UPVOTE / COMMENT

    9:01 PM on 04.13.2009  

    For Those About to Die: YOU CANNOT DIE YOU ARE A ROBOT!

    How is it that a final boss can die at the end of a game if he was never once alive? Will Smith destroyed a contingent of plastic bullies in "I, Robot" but he did not technically ever kill a single one of those angry mannequin gadgets. They had no life to take.

    So be it. Let our shallow understand of what is life dictate to us if our favorite villains have died. Did Mechagodzilla die? Sure he did; I fucked him up, he fell to pieces, good enough. But what about us few who want to fully explore underlying themes in our favorite games, us few who manage to find meaning in petty games where there is no meaning? We brave few delve into the dark annals of videogame history to see if our foes ever did die. Once we deeply examine our games we find it is simply not so easy.


    Misunderstood genius or greedy computer mastermind?

    Dr. Ivo Robotnik is one such example. Hidden in the not-so-subtle nuances of his name we find that he may indeed be of robotic origin. A product of centuries of human innovation. Does he still walk among us, rebuilt and better than before? Is he dead? Was he ever really killed? Whatever the answer we will strive boldly where no man has gone before breaking into secrets and conspiracies of international proportions. This is one hedgehog's nightmare.

    What of the bird and the bear? They have faced menaces of metal, gigantic steel hulks, Weldar and witches.



    I am of course speaking of Banjo and Kazooie. They have fought enemies like Robo-Gruntilda in her massive drilling machine to visually impaired welding torches.



    The epic saga of good versus evil, of noble animal versus insidious magician will never end. Grunty is a fine example of one who cannot be killed. She lingers on; her bones held together by money grubbing corporations looking to milk just a couple more dollars out of her. Gruntilda is a victim of her own success, never once allowed to lay peacefully buried in the ground.... under a boulder.

    And so we somehow manage to get to the screaming question; can Mr. Destructoid be killed? Is he truly a robot? Is he simply a man in disguise? For all we know this cast-iron crusader could be here with us now, never alive, never dead, impossible to destroy.
    READ / UPVOTE / COMMENT

    11:33 PM on 04.07.2009  

    Vin Diesel confirmed to star in upcoming Shadow of the Colossus movie



    Vin Diesel is queued to star in the upcoming "Shadow of the Colossus" movie based off of the 2005 blockbuster videogame of the same name. Diesel has yet to comment, but his agent has mentioned the stony faced actors performance will definitely be more devoid of emotion and hard hitting than box office flop "The Pacifier" and the entire "Fast and Furious" series combined.

    READ / UPVOTE / COMMENT

    11:58 PM on 03.16.2009  

    Mr. Destructoid takes a picture of himself everyday for 3 years




    Destructoid turns three. Watch how he changes over the years. Enjoy.
    READ / UPVOTE / COMMENT

    11:25 PM on 03.15.2009  

    Resident Evil 5 is blatantly racist against Jim Sterling



    Capcom tried so hard to be unracist they unwittingly victimized Jim Sterling.
    READ / UPVOTE / COMMENT

    8:54 PM on 03.02.2009  

    Jim Sterling is Blatantly Better than Jesus Christ (UPDATE: Gay Erotica)






    PS: Dear Internet, please remove the balding, gay porn star that shows up when you google Jim Sterling.


    EDIT: Watch the video below to understand...






    READ / UPVOTE / COMMENT

    11:44 PM on 02.12.2009  

    Hamza Day 2009 Featuring Dr. Ivo Robotnik

    Hi guys it is Hamza Day '09!!! I made a really bad flash video but it won't convert properly so I have stuck you guys with a really bad video of a Hamza/Atlas combo staring down Robotnik.



    I know it sucks!


    Anyone have suggestions of a Destructoid cartoon? I was thinking about dramatizing Niero selling his house to afford the site or something.

    Anyways I sold Destructoid Canada for a STFUAJPG T-shirt, and condom, a pin, and some candies. Well worth the trouble I went through. I am pretty busy reading about shit now, got chemistry, biology, geology, and law courses to attend so I haven't really taken any opportunity to gloat or anything.

    Enjoy my Hamza avatar and...

    Happy Hamza Day!












    READ / UPVOTE / COMMENT

    10:00 PM on 02.01.2009  

    Mr. Destructoid Gets Crucified and 10 Reasons to Love Me




    So basically I said "Mikey plz draw Mr. Destructoid getting crucified k thnx" and then he said something and I said something and then this happened. You're welcome for the video -- took me a couple of hours to put it together!

    Sooo.....

    1. I work at a grocery store. Been there a year and a half. To tell you the truth I actually think I made a shitty blog about it. Sorry for that even if the apology is a year too late.

    Scratch that. Sorry for almost all my blogs, especially the old ones.

    Look at my art. Watch for Art Attack Atlas featuring on a Friday when Destructoid gives in to my love.



    Haha, it is even funnier now that Reaprar is DEAD! Or something like that



    Classy duplicate of a Destructoid Friday art feature



    Another classy duplicate of a Destructoid Friday art feature

    2. I like Western RPGs since they are open ended and don't have forced crappy turn based systems in them and random battles.

    3. I have been with Destructoid for a year and a half now. This place rocks. So far I have been promoted to the front page, won some sweet loot (2.66 GHZ Quadcore FTW), and generally improved my blogging skillz. I seriously sucked at life reading my early blogs. Probably still do and will realize it in another year.

    4. I was on the top ten at IGN blogs. I think I was fourth or something but then I got banned for posting something about creating explosive powder. I mostly spammed my way to the top.

    5. I found Destructoid through Chad Concelmo's IGN blog. He basically got hired here and I eventually made an account 8 months later.

    6. I sent a letter of apology to Brad Nicholson. I hijacked his computer browser (rickroll) with the "Dtoid Canada" schtick and he lost an article; I felt bad. I basically sold Hamza Dtoid Canada (www.destructoid.ca) for a single STFUAJPG t-shirt but he still hasn't replied to me.... where art thou Hamza?

    6 and a half. I miss Heretic and Reaprar, trolling Whiteboy and Wiisucks. Destructoid is changing but some days I wish we could have these guys back. Trolls were trolls but they injected something into this site for me. Times do change, don't they?

    7. Did I tell you Destructoid is awesome?

    8. So basically I played Bioshock and Destructoid had less than 8000 members back then (compared to the 30 some thousand now!) and so I got the name Atlas. Also I got the name Frank Fontaine but the internet laws prohibit me from using it. I spawned a crappy meme and spoiled Bioshock for upwards of a hundred people and that is a conservative estimate. I mean hey -- Atlas is Fontaine and all of Destructoid knows it. But no worries, the whole "would you kindly" thing was far more significant. As you can see now I tampered with my longtime avatar of atlas for a "Mr. Dtoid Atlas". I hope you like it.

    9. I really hope I am a valued member of the community. I have stuck with Dtoid and I think I will stay for years to come. I don't even know if I could leave if I wanted to...

    10. Unless that bastard Fontaine is involved.

    So anyways I know I have missed a lot in this blog but it was a real fun ride being here at Destructoid.

    Would you kindly head to Ryan's office and kill the son of a bitch?


    More of my art or art otherwise related to me.




    Amazing entry to my contest by Lemon. Won Spore for iPhone. Still no reply from him if he has played it yet


    Dtoider Angusm drew this inspired by my idea. He is now MIA









    Stop, would you kindly
    READ / UPVOTE / COMMENT








    Back to Top