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2:21 AM on 11.10.2011

Horse Armor DLC for Skyrim available for purchase

Leaking early on Xbox Live Marketplace and then quickly removed was horse armor, priced at 400 Microsoft Points. Most telling about the download was that the content is already on the actual game disc, and the cost is merely unlocking it. Also, Jim Sterling.

Adding to this outrage is the fact that you are reading this and furiously typing a mean-spirited response.

Some say it was a mistake to make the same mistake they already mistakenly mistook. Others say they were excited at the prospect of horse armor, and fully expect more in the future. Fus ro Dah?

Expect a full 4/10 review at 8AM Eastern, 5AM Pacific time. Don't bother commenting, sticks and stones may break his bones (probably not), but your words won't stop him from getting all the money and the ladies.

SOURCE   read

8:44 PM on 10.28.2011

The Jim Sterling effect (Jim Sterling)

I gathered some data and analyzed it, my results being quite amazing. "The Jim Sterling effect" as you may know it multiplies blog excellence. But now, you can rest quite assured that there is some serious science behind this fact.

I went backwards through the C-Blogs, through months of C-Blogs, and took note of every C-Blog with the title including "Jim Sterling", and compared the comment average of those with the average comments on a non-Sterling C-Blog. The Non-Sterling C-Blogs I used were the 29 on the C-Blog front page that did not have "Jim Sterling" in the subject. I did that at 5:29 PM Pacific time.

I have 5 blogs with Jim mentioned in the title, and have also found the average comments for those. These blogs have used "The Jim Sterling effect" to great success.

The average non-Jim blogs have 6.2 comments, and the average Jim Sterling is wrong and fat and stupid and a troll blog have 30.4 comments.

You see? The Jim Sterling effect increases comment making by 490%. It multiplies a blogs excellence by many factors, even if the blog is just a flaming pile of dog shit. Your success as a videogame blogger can be greatly improved by these simple, easy-to-absorb tips.

TIP 1 Insist that Jim Sterling has no merit as a journalist. Dismiss his attempts at humour as traffic whoring. Tell everybody why he is always wrong, in the most hateful way possible.

TIP 2 Tell everybody Jim Sterling is fat. This one is a classic, and it immediately validates your blog as a pillar of solid journalism, and destroys any argument Jim can mount. You might even get a job at Kotaku or something.

TIP 3 Call Jim a cunt. Using insults in his own, native language makes you look trendy and contemporary.

Tip 4 Tell everybody Jim Sterling is fat. We need to remind people of this, body mass index is an important factor to the integrity of journalists. Once people notice this they will be giddy with excitement and you will become an internet rockstar.

TIP 5 Make sure your content actually focuses on attacking Mr. Sterlings' character, and not his actual arguments. Be absolutely sure that your blog subject includes JIM STERLING multiple times, in a variation of caps or lowercase. Caps work better.

CONGRATULATIONS! Your blog has now gained almost FIVE times more exposure than it would have, will gain many comments, and a few faps. Remember, that 490% is your percent, just include Jim Sterling in your title. Have confidence my friends, control of the internet is in your hands.



5:56 PM on 10.26.2011

Why modern games are infinitely better than retro games

Lots of people in this day and age constantly berate new, superior modern games. They tell us that this new game is trash, that videogames are for the mainstream and have been dumbed down, and that old classic games are better. Well, I am going to systematically show how that opinion is completely and utterly wrong, and state the superiority of modern gaming.

Methods of game control: Here I have an old, disgusting, dildo of a vintage controller.

And here I have a modern controller, molded to fit the chubby hands of todays aggressive youth.

Obviously the modern controller wins, unless you desperately need to be penetrated.

Graphics: The videogame graphics of today are the most stunning feat of technology in the entire history of human civilization. Case in point.

Notice the pixelated objects and low resolution in that picture. You can barely even read the writing on it. Now for something more sophisticated.

This is a picture from Dennis Dyacks' Too Human, an award winning trilogy. The quality is much better, and if you look at the detail on the face you can see the difference in graphical quality between old games and modern games. Case closed!

Gameplay: On most old videogames, you may have noticed you can only go left and right, sometimes even up and down, albeit briefly, when you jump. But with the advent of modern technology, greatness is at the tips of your fingers. 3-D environments completely change the way games are played. No longer do you have to mournfully gaze at a green square, wishing it was a bearded terrorist. Now you can shoot at them with big guns, and dismember him in many entertaining ways! Remember, human dismemberment and murder is fun and morally acceptable when a man is brown and wearing a turban. Videogames teach us that well, training us to kill virtual people. But don't kill virtual children, or everybodies pixels will get in a knot. THAT'S MORALLY WRONG, wait until they resemble the age of 18 to rip their eyes out and set them on fire.

Well, I hope you enjoyed learning why modern games are in every way superior to old games. It's an irrefutable fact, a fact held by everyone with absolutely no opposition. Now go throw out those old, dusty, last-gen consoles and play a real game: Battlefield 3!   read

5:42 PM on 10.25.2011

Why Skyrim is better than Zelda: Skyward Sword

With the extreme similarities between Skyrim and Zelda, we are forced to compare them. They are nearly identical competitors, with nearly identical gameplay... Very easy to directly compare to each other! Kind of like Battlefield 3 and Modern Warfare 3, but even closer alike. So, having seen trailers for both Skyrim and Zelda, and having noticed how the titles both have "Sky" in them, I am forced to conclude they are both about the same thing: the sky.

Graphics: The Xbox 360 being a graphical powerhouse, Skyrim wins hands down. Everything has such intricate detail. Zelda is crude in comparison. It has many flaws, namely low resolution and a directionless art style. This is partly because of the Wii, because it is not next-gen like the X360 is. Especially with graphics.

Sound/Music: You know, I'm not really sure if Zelda has voice actors yet, but they would probably be underwhelming and the dialogue would be poorly localized at best.This is a Japanese game made with third-world flaws inherent to the asian countries. Skyrim, on the other hand, has over 100,000 lines of expertly delivered dialogue by a multitude of voice actors.

Fun Fact: Did you know Nintendo was founded in 1898? They initially produced fabric.

Controls: The Wii falls short yet again with its gimmicky motion control scheme, underdeveloped and underutilized. I mean, its basically two controllers broken in half and cobbled together by a handful of 100 year old POWs from WW2 that were never released. But the X360 controller... such a wonder of invention... built to fit the hand perfectly, amazing ergonomics, and a tight D-pad for superior controls. Skyrim is easy on the hands, which will be important since it has over 1000 hours of gameplay content.

Gameplay: When I spoke with Skyrims' project manager Todd McFarlane, he told me to be amazed. And amazed I was. Hundreds of unique dungeons scattered across the land, fluid combat, virtually no load times.. It was so immersive I felt like I was in the game. In contrast, Zelda just feels clunky, boring, and old. Outdated dungeon designs feel like it is 1986 again. Customization is almost nil. I am left disappointed.

Overall: Skyrim looks to be the game of the year, hands down. It will grab you like no other game. But Zelda, well, I think we will all walk away just feeling groped. I hope the inevitable low Zelda sales will show Nintendo it needs to change to survive, but don't count on that. As the leading console of our generation the X360 will continue to show why it is the best-selling, highest-rated console of all time.   read

7:15 PM on 10.24.2011

MMO Stories: The day I was molested

I was a boy of ten years old in the world of Runescape. It was Christmas day, and I was enjoying vast deposits of coal left unguarded by people who had abandoned me to real life.

I am the master of this coal mine, being the great Dwarven UnderKing Stonefist Steelhammer Sledgehelm, a voice said loudly in my head. But soon, there was no voice in my head and yet the words kept coming...

"Alas there, ye scurvy ale-sodden pox-ridden fleabag scum, I be Cap'n Phillip Young, master o' these mines, and that there coal is mine to take!"

"SORRY," I apologized, "I thought this coal was in undisputed Galactic Free Space"

"Nar," said The Great Briney Cap'n

I began to respect the man, a masked crusader of justice in a drug-fueled world.. He became more than a man to me, he became a GOD. As the night wore on our conversations became more and more intimate.

"Listen, how old are you?" Asked Phillip Young.

"I'm ten, and I've never had sex before"

"Well then I will be your first," he replied. "Sex with an older man is a beautiful thing"

"Will there be penetration?"

"Aye, lots matey."

"Then take me, take me now."

Flying to a new country was strange, especially for an eight year old boy like myself. I had a chance to leave it all behind, to start a new life and family. But suddenly I began to fear. I was being pulled into a dark alleyway by a middle-age man.

"HELP, HELP" I shouted to no avail.

I felt the heat of his sword against my chumhole. My body ached and screamed like a girl on fire.

"Please no, NOT THE BEES, NOT THE BEES" But it was too late... I felt the stinging of one hundred thousand bees in my virgin rectum.

I was close to death, alone and scared, when the man pressed close to me and whispered in my ear --

"It's okay boy, it's me, Cap'n Phillip Young"

And then I knew everything was going to be okay.   read

3:10 AM on 10.24.2011

Blizzard unleashes an underhanded way to profit millions from World of Warcraft

World of Warcraft has been around for nearly a decade. In that time millions of accounts have been created, and many more billions of characters, now completely inactive, have been created, taking up space and money. And now Blizzard has found a way around this huge drain on their resources.

Blizzard guaranteed your characters and account would remain saved indefinitely, even if you stopped paying subscription fees. Many players took breaks of months, or even years to come back when new expansions came out, and spend once more on WoW subscriptions. But what about those players that didn't come back, the players whose data is saved on Blizzards' servers and costing them money?

Well, I reveal to you a little known secret. Blizzard has been systematically deleting old accounts, and breaking their initial agreement to keep them saved. But how could they do this, without alarming WoW enthusiasts everywhere? Well, with an extremely suspicious email, that's how.


Dear customer,

It has come to our attention that you are trying to sell your personal World of Warcraft account(s).
As you may not be aware of, this conflicts with the EULA and Terms of Agreement.
If this proves to be true, your account can and will be disabled.
It will be ongoing for further investigation by Blizzard Entertainment's employees.

If you wish to not get your account suspended you should immediately verify your account ownership.

You can confirm that you are the original owner of the account to this secure website with:

Login to your account, In accordance following template to verify your account.

* Account name
* Account password
* First and Surname
* Secret Question and Answer
Show * Please enter the correct information

If you ignore this mail your account can and will be closed permanently.
Once we verify your account, we will reply to your e-mail informing you that we have dropped the investigation.


Account Administration Team
World of Warcraft , Blizzard Entertainment 2011


You see, Blizzard has selected easy-to-attack accounts and sent their owners emails. Emails that state that their WoW account is suspected to have been for sale or sold recently. But here is the problem. Most of these accounts have been defunct for years... how would they be for sale over the internet, if they have been sitting undisturbed for half a decade? Who is interested in outdated accounts with a few characters at lvl 60, with old equipment? Nobody!

And so Blizzard sends out emails, mostly to long abandoned emails, and gives them extremely short notice to give Blizzard personal information to save their account. You have to tell them your name and answer a secret question... Like that would not also be passed along if an account was actually sold!

The result is this. Blizzard gets to dump millions of old, dusty accounts, and save a small fortune on the space it takes to save them. And you may ask why that matters? Well, as an old WoW user, I have dedicated a large amount of time to my account, back 6 years ago. I was considering going back to that old account, until I see Blizzard has used a deceptive path to delete it. The truth is right in front of us: Blizzard tricked me and millions of others to break the promise they made, just to save a buck... Shame on you Blizzard, now you are just another model of corporate deception and greed.   read

2:57 AM on 08.16.2010

I know what happens in Bioshock: Infinite (aka SkyoShock predictions)

I know everything about Bioshock, being Atlas and all. So let me reveal exactly how the plot will twist.

- The character, Elizabeth, is what keeps the city floating. Without her it will crash.

- Andrew Ryan won't have anything to do with Columbia.

- It will crash and be destroyed after Elizabeth is removed, or she will die when removed, or both.

- Someone important from Bioshock will have a cameo appearance.

- The main character Booker, will jump to his death at the end of the bad ending after Elizabeth dies and Columbia is crashing to the ground.

- In the happy ending both survive and Columbia crashes to the ground.

- There will be too much white, red, and blue. Too many baddies will be dressed like Uncle Sam.

- The man who approaches Booker turns out to want to destroy Columbia, and knows it will be destroyed by the removal of Elizabeth.

- The city will probably be under the rule of someone who is hyper-religious and trying to bring on some sort of apocalypse by using the massive armaments on Columbia to fulfill some kind of prophecy.

- The city probably was seized by this person and hid it away to fulfill some other prophecy.

- Plus, this ruler has probably sent that guy (or maybe it even was him) to see Booker to get him aboard to fulfill yet another necessary prophecy.

- Plasmids will be re-imagined as some other cheesy thing that grants super powers.

- Booker is really being led into a trap and Elizabeth is leading him into it, whether she knows it or not.

- There will be a separate faction that aids the main character, possibly betrays him

- That giant mechanical thing with a heart was once a man, now he works for the ruler of Columbia as some kind of mind controlled organic robot you might be able to free.

- The giant mechanical crow gets fucked and crashes. It's probably ridden by some guy or remote controlled.

My rejected plot twists

- Brigid Tenenbaum is the person who created Elizabeth, kind of like a precursor to Little Sisters. (unfortunately Tenenbaum was born circa 1930 according to Bioshock Wiki).

- Andrew Ryan is the one who approaches Booker, since he wants Columbia destroyed since it represents a lot of what he hates. (According to BioWiki he was in Russia until 1919 and was influenced by autocratic rule and communism).

- Atlas is Fontaine

*If any of these come true I will somehow have pulled answers out of my ass two years before the game is even out, therefore making me psychic. Also, I realize some of my predictions conflict with each other.*

Feel free to add your own. Lets see how they stack up two years from now.   read

4:42 AM on 07.02.2010

Would you kindly let me spoil your games?

Atlas is Fontaine

Samus is a woman

The main character IS Darth Revan

Aeris dies

Your dog dies

Tidus isn't real

The Collectors are actually Protheans

Carmine dies

The princess is in another castle

John Marston gets killed by the army and you finish the game as his son

Carmine dies again

The galaxy is purged of intelligent life every 50,000 years

Sheik is Zelda

Kratos killed his family and is the son of Zeus

Altair sucks ass

Please feel free to add to my list.   read

3:12 PM on 03.20.2010

How does Wailord fit inside a Pokeball?

I don't understand.


4:21 PM on 03.18.2010

Happy Fortieth Birthday Destructoid

I can't believe it has been forty years since Niero created Destructoid. After all these years it has remained awesome, only a little less so when Niero disappeared in the Brazilian jungle seventeen years ago. But we carry on, and with forty years worth of memories.

Nex begged to come back. His request was denied. Robert Summa came back, got a permaban. He came back again anyways.

Hamza remains steadfast. Neither showering nor shaving for years at a time, he truly is a capable webmaster. We salute you.

Unfortunately, over time we have lost some fine members of the community. Brad Nicholson got crushed under thirty men at the bottom of a human pyramid. Chad Concelmo was consumed by a pod of killer dolphins. And poor Electro Lemon....

Hmmm. Necros? He found Allah.

And Jim Sterling? He decided to kill the trolls by reducing the amount of insults they could throw at him tenfold. He still thinks his body is shit-hot, however.

Yeah, it really was a crazy forty years. But the memories last a lifetime.   read

2:47 AM on 03.13.2010

OK, guys, we gotta rap some Pokémon.


You just do the singing. I'll take care of the hard part.   read

11:29 PM on 02.17.2010

Why are Guards Psychic?

Guards. Some of them have telepathic abilities. They can see you when you are out of site. They know when their friends attack you. Hell, they even know when you stealth kill someone. This is a real conspiracy. It's up to Atlas to once again reveal the true nature of PSYCHIC GUARDS.

These guards are ruining the fabric of society. Tearing it apart. Into. Little. Pieces! OK?

I fear all hope is lost. Can we ever repair the damage? How the in the fucking world are we going to reconcile telepathy with modern games? This phenomenon isn't contained to Oblivion.

What about Fable? Peter Molyneux told us all about real-time weapon changes, massive damage, and growing oak trees.... BUT HE DID NOT MENTION THAT THOSE GUARDS OPERATE A TELEPATHIC COMMUNICATION GRID! In fact, why the fuck do they all have the same voice. Why do they all have the same face? Cloning, Molyneux? In a medieval hack-n-slash that can be beaten in three hours!

Don't forget about Dark Athena + Butcher Bay. The guards.... they just know...


If you just look closely enough..... Donkey Kong is in this picture twisted and deformed.... I found it randomly and it scares me.


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