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Atlas avatar 5:56 PM on 10.26.2011  (server time)
Why modern games are infinitely better than retro games

Lots of people in this day and age constantly berate new, superior modern games. They tell us that this new game is trash, that videogames are for the mainstream and have been dumbed down, and that old classic games are better. Well, I am going to systematically show how that opinion is completely and utterly wrong, and state the superiority of modern gaming.

Methods of game control: Here I have an old, disgusting, dildo of a vintage controller.

And here I have a modern controller, molded to fit the chubby hands of todays aggressive youth.

Obviously the modern controller wins, unless you desperately need to be penetrated.

Graphics: The videogame graphics of today are the most stunning feat of technology in the entire history of human civilization. Case in point.

Notice the pixelated objects and low resolution in that picture. You can barely even read the writing on it. Now for something more sophisticated.

This is a picture from Dennis Dyacks' Too Human, an award winning trilogy. The quality is much better, and if you look at the detail on the face you can see the difference in graphical quality between old games and modern games. Case closed!

Gameplay: On most old videogames, you may have noticed you can only go left and right, sometimes even up and down, albeit briefly, when you jump. But with the advent of modern technology, greatness is at the tips of your fingers. 3-D environments completely change the way games are played. No longer do you have to mournfully gaze at a green square, wishing it was a bearded terrorist. Now you can shoot at them with big guns, and dismember him in many entertaining ways! Remember, human dismemberment and murder is fun and morally acceptable when a man is brown and wearing a turban. Videogames teach us that well, training us to kill virtual people. But don't kill virtual children, or everybodies pixels will get in a knot. THAT'S MORALLY WRONG, wait until they resemble the age of 18 to rip their eyes out and set them on fire.

Well, I hope you enjoyed learning why modern games are in every way superior to old games. It's an irrefutable fact, a fact held by everyone with absolutely no opposition. Now go throw out those old, dusty, last-gen consoles and play a real game: Battlefield 3!

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