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4:23 AM on 02.10.2010 // Atlas
Why are Mushrooms Bouncy?

Mushrooms. Step on one. It will crumble before your magnificent visage. No recoil. No rebound. Just a mushroom flattened before your very eyes. How could humanity twist such a creature? How could we destroy the very concept of a mushroom and replace it with grand notions of instant healing, resurrection, or even bounciness?

The thought spontaneously appeared in my head one day. Why are mushrooms bouncy? No mushroom has ever been seen to propel people into the air like a trampoline; no mushroom has ever bounced from a fall! From whence did they come? What are their origins?



I look back from more recent entries like Mushroom Men to old favorites like Super Mario Bros. Old, hidden-away evidence unveils that the bouncy mushroom goes back in history even further. Beyond this my trail leads into darkness. No internet search, however hard you try, will yield any success. Nor are there any books on the matter. Probably stricken from the records in ages past as an attempt to hide this insidiousness. Someone is behind it all. But who?

We definitely know some entity is responsible for this perversion to society. How else could we explain the intrusion of mushrooms into our games? Morrowind has enveloping swaths of mushroom forests. The Fly Amanita Cap dominates every township of Cyrodiil. Donkey Kong 64 even has an entire stage dedicated to jump-enhancing fungi. Don't even get me started on the blasphemy of Super Mario. A powerful agent was needed to accomplish this, and we now think we know who.

The leading theories generally agree on one thing. This phenomenon can be tracked back over half a century ago. All the way back to 1945.



Yes, it was Hitler himself who uttered "bounz en ze mucht rooms" in his final breath, roughly translating to "the mushrooms, they will bounce". This is the source of why mushrooms are now perceived to be bouncy. The work on mushroom bouncing was continued in Argentina by Hitler's scientists until the late 1970's when a young, naive Japanese man was indoctrinated and brainwashed for this cause. His name was Shigeru Miyamoto......

My last words are a warning; the bouncy mushroom is a lie. We are being deceived. Trust no one. You have been warned!



PS: There actually was no freaking ANYTHING about bouncy mushrooms. Considered yourself enlightened.
Tagged:    cblog    Opinion Editorial  

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