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About Me

First off is my highest honour -- my shit on the front page of Destructoid.


I was born back in the days of yore, when 3-D graphics were only a dream.

I like games.

Super Nintendo had to be one of the best consoles. Mario, Metroid, Link, Kirby, Donkey Kong and everyone else came to the party. Good times.

I own a Super Nintendo, N64, Gamecube, Wii, PS1, PS2, PSP, Xbox, Xbox 360, Gameboy Pocket, Gameboy Color, Gameboy Advance, and a DS.

I regret missing some of the good old days, back in the early 90's, because I was too young to appreciate a good game when it smacked me in the face. Such is the folly of youth.

Somedays I wish I could have lived through such tumultuous times, what with the advent of Spandex tights and Rap, but then I think that it is much better to live longer and be younger than all of you people who did enjoy Super Metroid and Mario Kart in it's heyday and just be content with an emulator and a Xbox 360 controller.


Favorite Games: Mario series, Donkey Kong Country/64, Metroid series, Legend of Zelda series, Fable, Halo series, Shadow of the Colossus, GTA series, God of War 1 and 2, Morrowind, Oblivion, Tales of Symphonia, Final Fantasy X, Banjo Kazooie/Tooie and more that I can't recall.


Send me a friends request if you dare, just send a message telling me you're from Destructoid so I don't think you're a 63 year old pedophile masquerading as a teenage girl to lure gullible, young boys to your basement. And if that description both fits you and you are from Destructoid then expect to recieve my home phone number and address.

Update: One year later

New games I would add to my favorites are Gears of Wars series, Fallout 3, Mass Effect, Bioshock (hey, I was playing it when I joined!), and other games I cannot recall. Some games I have loved for a long time but forgot to list over a year ago are Rome: Total War, the top Mario games, and the main Pokemon GB games. The rest escape me at this time.



So these days God no longer compels you to blog, Atlas is Fontaine, and generally speaking I am pretty well known around these parts. (I hope) I regret not joining Destructoid sooner, when I first had the chance with a link from Chad Concelmo's IGN blog. Even he was born in the primordial soup IGN was, or so it would seem. I no longer frequent there or other gaming sites except from time to time because Destructoid is hopefully my internet home from here on out. A great place to be, cheers to another year at Destructoid!

Update: Another year later

Okay, so year three isn't going that great. I haven't blogged for six months and have barely visited the site. In fact, it is nearly November and my 2 years happened almost 2 months ago in early September. Damn life, going outside into the real world is time consuming! I haven't even turned on a videogame since April... (until just recently!) But of course I haven't forgotten about Dtoid; THE GREATEST SITE ON THE WEB! Sorry Dtoid, I will try to live less and Dtoid more.

Update: Another few years later

So life hit me... I still visit this site when I can... to think I started visiting this site when I was 15, and made an account two weeks after I turned 16... I'm 20 now, Destructoid is practically part of my life story at this point, even if I disappear for years at a time. Still, I remember the good old days, the days when Dtoid was like the Wild West, when I was at my most active, and when we would open the gates of Hell in our mischief, always walking on the edge of the banhammer. Now I'm just an ancient, obscure memory to the last surviving cowboys, a group even to this day I feel I'm a part of. Still, I raise my glass to you. Good times Destructoid, good times!

Oh, and to a few of us oldsters, Atlas is Fontaine.

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Mii: lordkalgan@hotmail.com
Gamertag: T0M HANKZ

Following (40)

MMO Stories: The day I was molested Atlas | 7:15 PM on 10.24.2011 12 comments

I was a boy of ten years old in the world of Runescape. It was Christmas day, and I was enjoying vast deposits of coal left unguarded by people who had abandoned me to real life. I am the master of this coal mine, being the great Dwarven UnderKing Stonefist Steelhammer Sledgehelm, a voice said loudly in my head. But soon, there was no voice in my head and yet the words kept coming... "Alas there, ye scurvy ale-sodden pox-ridden fleabag scum, I be Cap'n Phillip Young, master o' these mines, and that there coal is mine to take!" "SORRY," I apologized, "I thought this coal was in undisputed Galactic Free Space" "Nar," said The Great Briney Cap'n I began to respect the man, a masked crusader of justice in a drug-fueled world.. He became more than a man to me, he became a GOD. As the night wore on our conversations became more and more intimate. "Listen, how old are you?" Asked Phillip Young. "I'm ten, and I've never had sex before" "Well then I will be your first," he replied. "Sex with an older man is a beautiful thing" "Will there be penetration?" "Aye, lots matey." "Then take me, take me now." Flying to a new country was strange, especially for an eight year old boy like myself. I had a chance to leave it all behind, to start a new life and family. But suddenly I began to fear. I was being pulled into a dark alleyway by a middle-age man. "HELP, HELP" I shouted to no avail. I felt the heat of his sword against my chumhole. My body ached and screamed like a girl on fire. "Please no, NOT THE BEES, NOT THE BEES" But it was too late... I felt the stinging of one hundred thousand bees in my virgin rectum. I was close to death, alone and scared, when the man pressed close to me and whispered in my ear -- "It's okay boy, it's me, Cap'n Phillip Young" And then I knew everything was going to be okay.