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12:38 AM on 06.12.2011

The ABC's of Death

Yeah, I know this isnt exactly an original idea, but whatever, I wanted to do my own and I felt like i should write finally get around to writing something, so here it is.

On a possibly unrelated note, I may actually have no idea what a blog is for.


A is for Avery who Asphyxiated when the dank underground cell in which he was locked in for crimes he did not commit filled up with purple-tinted chlorine gas.
B is for Brent who was Broken into a million shining pieces when she ran into the path of a rampaging ice wizard.
C is for Cissnei who Called out for help, but remained unheeded as she slowly starved at the bottom of a deep wide hole dug by hunters to trap the man-sized tarantulas they were after.
D is for Desmond who Drove straight off a cliff while he was distracted by a passing UFO shaped exactly like an apricot.
E is for Esme who Entered straight into the gates of Hell which she mistook for a rather elaborately themed amusement park.
F is for Fran who Forgot to breathe for 10 minutes and died due to a lack of adequate oxygen supplied to her brain.
G is for Gregor who was Given a choice between his life or his wallet by an unscrupulous man in a trench coat and made what would be considered by most people to be the wrong decision.
H is for Harvey who Hated everything so much that eventually his mind consumed itself in a violent act of internal aggression and he fell into an endless red void for eternity.
I is for Iris who was Impaled upon a sharpened stick that her brother had been crafting for history class. Oddly enough, he is always silent when questioned about this “accident.”
J is for Josiah who Jumped so hard, he landed right in the basket of a passing hot-air balloon piloted by an escaped serial killer convict.
K is for Keira who Killed herself and there is nothing more to say about that.
L is for Leon who became Lost in a clump of trees that quickly became a forest, then began morphing into an infinity of trees in every conceivable direction, and no one was there to hear him scream, so can it really be said that he ever made a sound?
M is more Mick who Met his match when his boxing opponent punched his head clean off his shoulders, yet still won the match as the rest of his body remained resolutely standing in the center of the ring until all who knew him had long vanished into dust.
N is for Nessie who is Nothing and always has been Nothing and always will be Nothing.
O is for Olivia who Opened an old decrepit wooden box in her attic and found the one thing she had desired most her entire life and was immediately crushed by an old rotten beam that had been feasted on for years by industrious termites.
P is for Prince who was Pushed a little bit too hard one day and decided to push back even harder, which is not a wise decision when your bully is currently driving a Hummer.
Q is for Quentin who Questioned everything in his desire to find the truth to life and existence, and one day, he found it.
R is for Randy who miraculously Remained alive despite falling from a 3-story building, but was Rent apart when his high-tech hospital bed malfunctioned in such an odd way all the engineers remained confused to this day.
S is for Saul who was Shot 5 times, twice in both knees, once half a centimeter to the left of his heart, once through his right ear lobe, and once through his only good eye. The autopsy claims he died a few minutes before the first bullet entered his body, though from what, they cannot say.
T is for Tucker who Tried so hard to be the best he could be and eventually, he succeeded, making countless powerful enemies along the way who weren’t satisfied with being second best. Perhaps if he had been in a line of business besides organized crime, he might have made an outstanding and inspiring role model to us all.
U is for Ursula who was Unused to the climate in the area that she moved to, eventually contracting a terminal illness, causing her parents to regret ever deciding the bottom of the Mariana Trench would be most beneficial to her education.
V is for Vanessa who Voted for who she thought would be the best leader for her country, unaware that there has always only been one option and that the opposing candidate was merely being used as bait to weed out those who still have free thought.
W is for Wally who Wished upon a star, which did not heed his very reasonable request to not be crushed by a falling star that night.
X is for Xavier who suffered from Xerosis so extreme, the High Priest saved a fortune when burying him beneath his pyramid.
Y is for Ysabel who was Yeast and baked into bread. Some fates are stranger than others, but then sometimes sentient beings come in the most unexpected forms.
Finally, Z is for Z who was Z when Z and ZZ Z zZZzzzZZZzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. And that is worst way that anyone can go.

Now I know my ABC’s, next time won’t you sing with me?

Sorry this was so dark guys. Maybe my next blog I’ll write about happy puppy/kitten hybrids eating custard pie or something.   read

9:12 PM on 05.26.2011


You know what, Destructoid? I haven't written anything in awhile because I've got nothing to say, so I'm going to continue sharing old stuff I wrote long ago. it's somewhat decently written i guess and it might be worth a read. so here is more crap from my gametrailers blog (part 2 of maybe 3).

some context first. stuttering craig (Craig Skistimas) is from a website called screwattack and he does a series of videos along with the rest of the screwattack staff called video game vault. it's a quick retrospective of a couple of oldschool games the crew has played through. a lot of months ago, craig stirred up a shitstorm. here is a blog i wrote about it.

also, is dtoid chat down for anyone else? it is for me. never mind. on with it.

so, apparently craig managed to piss off a whole mess of people sometime over a week ago (yes, i realize my blog is not exactly current events) with his Asterix and Obelix Video Game Vault video. the main complaint i seem to have gathered from the comments is that craig understands nothing about these two uber popular characters, yet felt the need to provide colorful commentary on their adventures and sexual orientation. now to me, this seemed like pretty standard stuff from the screwattack crew: off color, cringe-worthy, yet still funny humor. however, i wouldnt have thought of a topic for a blog post if that's all there was to it.

now, as for me, i actually have heard of asterix and obelix before. unbeknownst to many, i took one semester of French waaaayy back in 7th grade. on one out of the roughly 915,678 days in a middle school year (or so it seemed at the time, each successive year more interminable than the last), asterix and obelix were mentioned. we even got to watch a short clip of them doing something presumably rather heroic in their cartoon show. back to the present, i see this new vault video, and i'm like ok. that's pretty cool. i see the rating. man, i'm thinking, craig must have really done something stupid this time. he probably replaced the video with a short film depicting a jar of mayonnaise being neglected or something. but nope, just his usual thing. i left a comment to the effect that everyone was getting all worked up over nothing and i got cut down too.

now i'm thinking: who are these guys? in the vague recesses of my memory, i remember, these are two warriors from gaul. asterix is the brave one, the straight man. obelix is the muscled one, the comic relief. they were popular in france back in the 70s and 80s or something like that. so what's the deal? if someone starting cracking jokes about mickey mouse, no one would bat an eye.

i was doing some yardwork the other day. i was getting pretty tired (which usually happens after about 10 minutes of work) so i laid down on my back lawn. i looked up at the clear blue sky and saw the tops of some very thin and tall trees growing behind the lawn. the wind was blowing a nice pleasant breeze, being one the most comfortable times of the year right around now between the chills of winter and the humid fuckery of spring. the trees swayed a bit. and i was happy with life for at least a little bit. i noticed that the trees thinned out a bit towards the left, towards the small road, probably a side effect of prolonged construction. and i started remembering my childhood. i grew up in the 90s, with the animated batman series, all dogs go to heaven, animaniacs (on kids wb), digimon (on fox kids), hotwheels, and the good ol' innsixxteefore/peiesswunn combo. nowadays, you pretty much have to have cable to get any decent children's programming and everything, including video games, feels so cold and sterile. i'm not knocking the quality of entertainment these days, just the feel i get. everything soft and warm, like your pillow at night, starts to fade as the encroaching modern age coupled with growing up destroys everything you held dear. those trees that were so relaxing to watch faded too, like the tattered end of an old tapestry, my life and my childhood. all that's left is nostalgia. forget what the prince says, time is definitely just a river, the past never to return. and it hurts. it hurts so goddam much. my heart feels like it could turn inside out with the pain.

so, back to the present again. nostalgia isnt just a telescope for looking at the past. the lens in the tube are all messed up, distorting the view of the past. things that we thought were awesome back then, arent as good on repeat viewings today. you know, i actually thought the pokemon movie, the ones with the clones was pretty damn epic and touching and brilliantly plotted, and oh god. i need to invent a chrono glove so i can punch my past self in the gut and stand by watching coldly as he writhes among his k'nex. but maybe i dont want to. maybe its good to have something to look fondly upon as i become increasingly tired each year i fail to die, each successive year more interminable than the last. i have been tired. incomprehensibly tired for over 4 years. was there a time when i actually looked forward to waking up to each day, filled with infinite possibilities? a time when two goofy warriors from a now defunct land were the best thing in your life, providing hour and hours of entertainment? and if someone made any move, no matter how innocently or how minuscule, to take that away, leaving you with the cold empty shell that is the modern age, would you leave angry comments on the internet in retaliation? i dont know. maybe. arguing over the internet is still pretty fruitless and stupid though. cut it out.   read

8:37 AM on 03.29.2011

April Fool's!

So, april fool's is coming in T-minus 3 days. but what are you gonna do all day? you're gonna pull some mad pranks on unsuspecting friends, that's what! here is a simple list of some pranks you might want to try out!

-Go to your friend's microsoft word. Find the tool for auto replacing words and make it replace all instances of the word "the" with something wacky such as "long-necked giraffe." your friend will have no idea what's going on!

-if you or anyone you know has one of those water sprayer things attached to your kitchen sink, tie a very tight rubber band around the press handle. then, position the head so it's pointed directly at anyone who uses the main faucet handle. they'll get a surprise spray when they go to use the sink for any purpose!

-if you know anyone who's going on a road trip, replace their iPod or other music playing device with an identical one, identical except all the music on it is music they absolutely cant stand! they'll have no choice but to deal with the ever-changing stations along the way to their destination!

-borrow your friend's well trained dog and somehow teach it to respond violently to the phrase "Good Dog." talk about being unable to take a compliment!

-throw red paint indiscriminately all around your friend's room. when they come back in, tell them PETA managed to break into the prankee's house and was angry that their consumerist lifestyle is built upon the broken bodies of other God's loved creations. a classic!

-this one may take a bit of preparation and investment. convince your friend's parents to fake a nasty car crash and go into hiding for 15 years. then, on the april fool's 15 years after this one, have them casually stroll into the prankee's current residence and ask how their day went. be careful neither parent actually dies in the intervening 15 years or all your hard work will go to waste!

-a twist on an old prank. balance a bucket on top of a partially opened doortop, but instead of filling it with something boring like water or glue (everyone expects that), put something really crazy like scorpions, boiling tar, HF acid, or coconut syrup! brilliant!

-arrange for your friend to win a free trip to Hawaii or some other pleasant vacationing spot. Halfway there, have the pilot (who is also in on the prank of course) pretend to be hijacked and fly to Antarctica, then crash-land the plane in such a way that return is impossible. Your friend will have loads of fun freezing his ass off in sub-zero temperatures while awaiting rescue!

-call out a hit contract on your friend and make it very clear their life is in constant danger. then, when their life is flashing before is eyes, the hitman's Magnum pointed squarely between his eyes, your friend's mouth only able to contribute incoherent half-words, the moment of truth, jump out from the shadows and yell as loud as you can "April Fool's!" Studies have shown the hitman would definitely not carry through with the assassination if you do this and your friend will be too busy laughing to stay mad for long!

-start by burning your friend's house down. then steal their identity, cancel all his bank account, spread vilifying rumors about them throughout all their other friends and family, ruin their reputation by putting a few rap sheets to his name, and deny all their health care access. Then, as the prankee lays broken and alone begging for some money to keep their ribs from meeting his spine, walk up to them, give them a dollar, and tell them April Fool's! if you hear through their parched and cracked lips the first sounds of laughter they've made in a very long time, you know your prank was a success!

-convince your friend that everything around him is unreal and that all the people he knows are simply electrical signals firing throughout his brain, which is itself fictional. then, in the depths of their existential despair, it should be very easy from there to convince them to go on a law-defying rampage with a shotgun and a bottle of cheep booze. when the bodycount rises high enough, run out to them and let them know you were joking the whole time and that they just got pranked! careful though, they may not believe you at first since you may appear to be nothing more than another lie they've had to endure, so be sure to wear strong bullet-proof protective gear to reduce risks!

If you try out any (or all if you're feeling feisty!) of these hilarious pranks, I'm sure you'll have a great april fool's day that all your friends will remember for years to come. Merry Pranking!   read

11:23 PM on 03.26.2011

83rd Annual Academy Awards

So, the Oscars happened. February 27th 2011 (yes I realize my blog not current events, and it wasn't even when this blog was originally posted), 83rd annual show, continuing even through major world wars. I personally love watching the Oscars, far more than the super bowl, because I love movies (and hate football). here is my personal rundown of everything I think worth mentioning in a rough sort of order, which may prove interesting (but probably not) even if you watched the show yourself. It will be 100% subjective, ignorant, mostly devoid of facts, and rambling. Enjoy!

(note: my capitalization and such is terrible and inconsistent, as it often is when i don't even try. sorry if this bothers you.)

Opening skit: Pretty traditional stuff here. the hosts, anne Hathaway and some guy, whose name I will google later but cant be bothered to recall right now, insert themselves into nominated 2010 movies. Inception is the framework and they enter a skit within a skit within a skit. Nothing too funny, but I just want to note that I find 1930's microphones absolutely awesome.

Best whatever the first award was, it wasn't very important anyway: wow, great start to the acceptance speeches. This was almost painfully awkward. I feel for these guys though, public speaking isn't my strong suit either, but, geez. Ouch. oh well. moving on.

kirk douglas: Oh cool, it's kirk douglas presenting best supporting actress! he's a bit hard to understand since his stroke but that's overwhelmed by pure charisma. Good stuff. and his presentation was pretty damn hilarious too!

best supporting actress: followed immediately by melissa leo saying "fucking" on almost-live national tv (or did she say "sexy and"? Maybe the censors hate women calling other women sexy? i'm going with that). everyone's heard about this who hangs around news sites at all. i personally lol'd a bit. and what the heck is hailee steinfeld doing here? she was definitely the main protagonist. oh well. i guess sometimes the awesomeness of jeff bridges tends to blind those whose vision is already beginning to fail. also of note: helena bonham carter! yeah! didnt win, but it's nice to see her more often.

the stage: it looks fairly cool. circular design seems to be the key this year. nice ciruclar shape with great chromey circular circles above. it looks great when used for alternate presentation purposes, such as the "in memoriam" segment in which formerly alive actors and actresses appeared to tug on everyone's heartstrings. sad.

best visual stuff: includes cinematography, costumes, make-up, etc. alice in wonderland, despite its supposed weaknesses in storytelling (I haven't seen this film yet) looks absolutely stunning and deserves all of these. Inception (which I did see) also looked very nice, though in a very different way. You know, for a movie about dreams, inception wasn't very artistically surreal, like alice was. It was more taking very real things and manipulating them in unexpected ways, which I guess is a kind of surreality. But again, not like alice. Let's hope the upcoming alice game isn't just brilliant design without much substance. And wolfman, actually winning an Oscar? Classic.

Sound mixing/sound editing: inception dominated here. I could never remember the difference between these categories. Too lazy to look them up now. Something about making existing sounds more impressive and creating sounds that do not exist. hey, that sounds pretty good actually. is that actually correct? i honestly do not know. Whatever. Don't care. Moving on.

That guy: he's james franco, from 127 hours. okay.

Helen Mirren: nothing much to say about her. Her award-presenting joke with tommy wiseau (I know, I know) was pretty amusing, but mostly, I just mentioned her cuz i like Helen mirren. Moving on.

Another pained speech: i honestly dont remember for what. was it costume design? well, the woman (presumably colleen atwood?) read the entire speech off a scrap of paper, glancing up at the audience only when thanking her family and friends. the audience was probably being too naked for her to look at.

Best documentary: haven't seen any of these. i want to know more about banksy, so i'll watch that one eventually. he's got style, that man (or woman). In fact, the only 2010 documentary I saw was Waiting for Superman, which wasn't even nominated. That's cool I guess, academy. Whatever. Neglect mentioning our children's educations, it's not like you'll be alive much longer to see the dire consequences anyway.

Commercial break! This blog will be back right after these messages!:
Is it just me, or do the ads seem a bit more arty during the oscars? there was that one ad with the colorful moving pastiches inside silhouettes of people switching from scene to scene. there was that other ad where the entire thing is an elaborate stage performance with one actor and one actress switching roles constantly on the fly as the scenery behind them rapidly shifts. there was one (t-mobile?) commercial in which an entire city is covered in rampant orange flowers. but most of all, there were a hella lotta mitsubishi hybrid car commercials. anyone here watch South Park? hybrid car ads? during the oscars? their marketing sure knows their target market. pretentious guys who make a big show of being heavily interested in cinema. who probably then write about the awards show in a blog. assholes.

that guy, james franco, whatever: seriously, what is with this guy? he is not only boring as hell, but actually looks like he is in fact bored himself. in front an enormous audience of hollywood's best stars and on national teevee? seriously, what is his deal? anne hathaway's cool though. it took me a while to notice her dresses kept changing.

best original song presentations: one of my favorite parts of the oscars is always everyone performing the nominated songs. some pretty good stuff this year. except that randy newman song he did for toy story 3. that song is horrifically generic and there's no way it will win. i personally loved "if i rise." oh yeah, remember that one year where a troupe was doing shadow impressions? a group of people use their own bodies to simulate scenes and events. that was really cool.

best original song: what the fuck? that randy newman song won? FUCK THAT. i know what i said in my intro paragraph, but i am convinced that it is an OBJECTIVE FACT that that song was terrible. awful. no redeeming value. not even catchy, which makes it even worse than lady gaga songs. what the hell academy? just because it was in one of the greatest animated films of the past decade or so does not mean it was any good at all! ok. i'm good. moving on.

justin timberlake!: yeah! justin timberlake! singer, dancer, and absolutely mesmerizing actor. justin timberlake! paired with mila kunis makes the oscar stage a hot steaming arena of hotness. coupled with the fantastic lord of the rings background that the stage turned into, TOO MUCH. but still hot.

best animated feature: what's this? pixar won? what the hell? how could this happen? i'm shocked. just shocked. shocked? pixar? seriously? with one of the most emotionally punishing animated films since spirited away? what? winning best animated feature? huh? zwuh? so confused. confused? con...fused? OMG! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOOOODD!! they're eating her! and n

best supporting actor: christian bale. along with melissa leo, won "the fighter" two acting awards. has this happened before? i dont know, but that's pretty rad. justin timberlake was also excellent, but wasnt nominated. cant think of a joke for that. moving on.

best adapted screenplay: ha. sorkin looks like such a writer. i bet he hangs around starbucks, typin shit up on his iPad.

best score: oh hell yeah! i love movie scores! really, really good stuff this year. it's anyone's game for this. i love hans zimmer's epic and bombastic score the best out of all these, but the king's speech's more classical sounding score was great too. in the end, trent reznor's unease-inducing, electronic score won out. that's perfectly fine, as it really does what a score should do, complement the plot while enhancing the emotions of each individual scene. and "in motion" really is one of the best movie songs of the year. well, that's it for this, other than to say: "The pigs have won tonight. Now they can all sleep soundly. And everything is all right."

anne hathaway: in a tuxedo. that was actually pretty hot interestingly enough. great singing voice too, which was unexpected. then... god, that other guy... gah, in drag... pfffffffffft.... Stupid Sexy Franco. if it was timberlake, i wouldnt have minded as much. at all. i might've enjoyed it. er, never mind. i could probably make an interesting point here about the inherent unequalness of women in modern American society's perceptions, pointing out my (and the audience's) wildly different gut reactions to the gender-reversed clothing choices of our two hosts as evidence, but, eh. some other time. moving on.

best actor: colin firth was brilliant. he deserved this oscar. it's not easy playing royalty, especially one with such a debilitation, but you actually believe he might be long-lost 3rd cousin or something to england's current elizabeth II after finishing this film. apparently she loved it too. that's major props there. what, franco, did you think you would win? ha, dont make me laugh. actually, i haven't seen your film yet, so i dont know if you were any good or not, but based on you performance in the role of "an interesting and engaging host," i'd say you aint got the acting chops, son. also, i really liked jesse eisenberg as zuckerberg, but colin winning is ok with me. no one likes a smart ass, apparently, even a fictional (semi-fictional) smart ass.

best director: this was added in an edit. if you read this blog post already, don't worry. you're not going insane. words are not appearing where there once was emptiness. except that idon'treallyexist ooooooooOOooOOO. anyway, sorry, forgot to mention, why the hell didn't david fincher win? i realzie that the academy Looooves king's speech, but come on, you have to admit the skill required to make a movie that is 97% dialogue and dudes staring at screens immersive as hell is not undeserving of an award. and chris nolan wasn't even nominated. i hope you enjoy that trophy hooper. it's built from the hopes and dreams of more talented men.

true grit: okay, before we get to best picture, i have a question for hollywood. hollywood, why do you keep riding off the gaming industries successes? here, let me tell you what i'm talking, as if you needed it, you clever bastards. 2007: 300 came out, a movie about Spartans killing stuff. also 2007: god of war II came out, a game about a spartan killing stuff. coincidence? maybe. okay, i'll give you that. but wait! 2009: avatar came out, a movie about earth's military killing aliens. 2009: halo ODST came out, a game about earth's military killing aliens. coincidence? sweating now, huh? not done yet. 2010: true grit came out, a western movie, with like, horses and stuff. 2010: red dead redemption came out, a western game, with like, poker and stuff (also horses). coincidence? COINCIDENCE?! i think not! no dont give me that bullshit! this is irrefutable evidence! next you're going to tell me you killing off all my reincarnations, including a potted plant, consecutively was an accident and a coincidence! liar! you'll pay for this some day, hollywood. just wait. i'll employ all your cliches against you. i just need to come of age first, give up my familiar surroundings and ties, then acquire a wacky sidekick, then you'll see!

pre-best picture montage: ok, this was cool. with king's speech as the framework instead, we get the final king's speech droning over edited together nominee clips complete with beethoven's 7th. though, i guess this shows some bias? doesnt matter, this will all be over soon enough. still, pretty fantastic idea, whoever thought of it.

best picture: man, this 10 movie (formerly 5) thing is awesome, the best thing that's happened to the oscars. not only do i feel good that more movies i loved get oscar nominee written on their blu-ray boxes, but i get introduced to more movies that i might not have heard of, such as winter's bone, which i will check out, totally. and spielberg presenting! awesome. he may in fact be the best looking director ever. anyway, my personal favorite movie of 2010 was inception, but that really had no chance of winning. my second favorite was social network, but i'm guessing the reanimated corpses that comprise the academy dont like these new-fangled college kids doing their new-fangled hacking and internet business creation thing. oh well. the king's speech was still a bloody great film (5th fave of 2010 since you didn't ask), with easily one of the most powerful climaxes of the year.

man, this turned out really long. i've been pretty bored lately. anyway. the awards show this year was pretty run-of-the-mill. the actual winners were pretty good, but the in between stuff was lacking. the presenters were great, but the hosts were running at only about 50%. oh well.

So, this is the first real sampling of my tenaciously hard to kill blog, despite its obvious ability to instill disgust in all who see it. Should I give a title to it? How bout, the Blogroach? See you tomorrow.

(*plagiarized from my Gametrailers blog. Part 1 of 4)   read

9:08 AM on 03.26.2011

1st... blog?

Ok, so here's the deal. This is not my only or first blog. I actually started a blog on Gametrailers about 5 weeks ago. However, I also wanted to share my aimless and intellectually deficient rambling with you guys here on DToid and I sure as hell am not going to write two concurrent blogs.

So, what I'm going to do is cheat, like a politician casino owner who has 14 cheetahs and hangs out with Beezlebub's godson. I'm going to write a blog entry here and then copy and paste it into Gametrailers. I'll essentially be plagiarizing myself. Don't worry, I'll leave a reference, so it's legal and stuff. I'll also be doing the same to the blog entries already in my Gametrailers account over the next few days, only slightly or not at all edited, starting with my rundown of the 83rd Annual Academy Awards (which was already posted waaaay after the event ended anyway). If anyone has any serious ethical concerns with this practice, feel free to let me know. Don't worry. It's not like my feelings will be hurt or anything.   read

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