I was an odd child. Reveling in things beyond my years, due to my lack of interaction with children my age and essentially being raised by teenagers. So my interest in Survival Horror came very early. By the age of six, I had seen a few horror movies. I can remember my brothers playing Dawn of the Dead on the VCR and having to run up and shut it off whenever my mom came out of her bedroom. Not to mention my cousin practically forcing me to watch the Nightmare on Elm Street movies with him.



Anyway, since I was a child I wasn’t really allowed to play the Playstation because of the fragility of the discs. That was the rule, despite the fact that I was always more careful with them than my brothers. I can remember waking up in the living room (where the TV was) and hearing gunfire. Gunfire wasn’t too unusual at my house as my parents are survival enthusiasts (that’s a nice way of saying they’ve made me watch Red Dawn about 60 times.) I peeked from under the covers to see a new game being played. I went to set next to my brother to watch, and he immediately told me to go back to bed. This was odd as I’d seen all kinds of horror and terribleness with my brother. If something was so bad that he didn’t want me to watch it must be awesome. In response, I put on my best six and a half year old girl “I wanna play too and I’ll cry and I might tell mom if you don’t let me” face and he eventually conceded. Though he did say “If you have nightmares it’s not my fault.”




As I watched I was intrigued, there was a mansion a real place on the screen not only that, but my brother was playing as a girl. That amazed me because the only games I had played where you could be a girl were Secret of Mana and Final Fantasy 3. This girl was in 3D which was also amazing to me she actually looked like a real person. As I watched her explore this faraway placed I was entranced. Then however the zombies came…



I want to point out here. That at the time I already knew what zombies were, and in general was not scared of them. I had seen Night of the living Dead and both versions of Dawn of the Dead, and then I had seen Freddy and in my 6 year old mind there was nothing more scary than Freddy. However, I had never seen zombies in a video game. So I was kind of surprised to see them there. I remember asking my brother if Freddy was in the game just to make sure I wouldn’t get scared in front of my brother. I saw these zombies lunging at Jill, and her just running away. I was furious with my brother. I knew how to handle zombies. I had seen the movies! You shoot them or hit them in the face, and then they die! You don’t ever run past them ‘cause they’ll just keep coming. So I begin asking my brother why he’s not killing them. He says “You can’t always kill them.” I get mad and say “Why not!? That’s what you’re supposed to do to zombies!”
And in reply he says “Because Angel, I don’t have any bullets.”
Those words astounded me. You’re in a game…with zombies…with no bullets? That mangled my little brain. Why would ever play a game where you are with zombies and no bullets?
That’s a death sentence….


I proceeded to imagine that the game was a death simulator. That’s all I could fathom in my little mind. I asked my brother point blank. “Why do you want to kill the lady?” I think my brother was struck a little by the question, and it took him a few moments to respond. “I’m not trying to kill her. I’m doing my best to make sure that she survives.” The word survive is well known in my family as I mentioned earlier. From that moment on I knew the mission that this lady had: To survive. From then on I wanted that lady to live. I became a spotter for my brother pointing out herbs and glowing objects.




I was terrified of the game. Watching the cut scene with the first zombie gave me nightmares. The dogs crashing threw the window made me scream. The creak of the doors and ladders still make me wince a little.





From the typewriters to the bullet supply everything in this game wanted to kill the lady, Jill. As of six and a half I would not let them win, and I still don’t now that I’m in my 20’s.





I remember those nights full of fear and the big difference between the movies and the game. In the game, I had a chance to save the good guys. It wasn’t a big chance, but it was still there. I liked that. I liked having some control in the world full of horror. To be able to bitchslap Freddy would have changed my entire outlook on life as a child. Either way, even though I couldn’t slap Freddy. I could save Jill.


Over the years, I never have given up having that excitement of fear. The thrill of survival and the accomplishment of helping the character survive.


From Clock Tower to Silent Hill
Parasite Eve and Haunting Ground and more Resident Evils
Fatal Frame to Even going back to Alone in the Dark ….

I’ve been there. I don’t think I’ll ever leave…And I doubt they’d even let me.