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Andrew Kauz avatar 10:26 AM on 10.19.2009  (server time)
Toxic megacolon and other fresh status effects

For part one of this three-part status effect miniseries, head over to this post, Status effects are poisons that turn my silent heart to stone. For part 2, head over to Curse you, status effects, stop confusing my heart.

The walls have ears, and I know what you’ve been saying. “Ohh, if you hate status effects so much, I’d like to see you do better!” you said in your best Scottish accent. Bagpipes played softly in the distance.

Well, I’m here to take up this challenge in my best Armenian accent. To you I say “Bring it on!” Let’s do this thing.

But wait. There’s a voice from the darkness. “You’re not going anywhere without me,” it says in a stunning Ethiopian accent. Impressive! I didn’t even know what that sounded like. A figure emerges from behind the curtain…

…it’s walkyourpath! His stern glare burns holes of creativity in my soul, and I know what I must do. It’s time for a tagteam.

So sit back, relax, and keep your panacea bottle handy, because we’re about to bust some mad status effects all over the place.

Trollbait: The trollbait status causes all of the affected character's actions to be replaced by random idiotic statements, inciting rage within the party. All other party members may attack the affected character until he is incapacitated or until the status is cured by item "forum beatdown." All characters with intelligence stats above level 12 are immune to this status.

Toxic Megacolon: This status may be inflicted upon a player character through various infectious bites or attacks. This terrible medical condition causes the affected character's colon to become highly enlarged and the blood to become toxic, rendering the character ineffective in battle. If not cured quickly, toxic megacolon may cause poison in other party members as the floodgates open. This status can only be cured at a town hospital.

Noodly Appendages: A character afflicted with noodly appendages loses all muscular control of his or her arms and legs, causing an inability to move in battle and a severe reduction in damage. However, the character is still able to counterattack melee damage by flopping about, though this damage is extremely low. Item Viagoro can instantly cure this status, but may have unwanted side effects. Characters are advised to seek medical help for an erection lasting longer than four hours.

Roidrage: This status is automatically put into effect if a single character uses three or more attack stat buff items in a single battle. This causes the character to increase all stats by one for one turn as euphoria kicks in. On the character's next turn, the character will begin to attack with reckless abandon, extending to trees, rocks and other background objects. The character may also attack fellow party members. After five turns, the character will commit suicide. Item "Bobby McFerrin's Panpipes" has a 50% chance of curing this status.

Puberty: This status has a random chance of affecting younger party members and causes a variety of negative effects. As the affected party member's voice cracks, spells that rely on vocal recitation have a 50% chance of failing. The affected party member may randomly become enamored with party members or enemies of the opposite sex, causing them not to attack. A character with "puberty" may also randomly acquire the "fapping" status, which stops all battle actions until item "nude portrait of Carrot Top" is used. If two party members of the opposite sex are afflicted with "puberty" simultaneously, both have a random chance to get the "experimentation" status, causing them to disappear from battle for no more than two minutes. They will then acquire the "embarrassment" status, causing them to fight in different rows of the formation for five turns.

Bleeding Heart: Affected party becomes a monster-rights activist and will interpose himself between the monster and any attacking characters, absorbing all damage dealt. The affected party will also throw a red dye potion at any party member wearing leather armor or bear-skin items. The affected character may also summon celebrities to assist them. Any healing items containing monster meat or other substances made from monsters will be ineffective.

Gender Confusion: Androgynous characters may receive this status when item "mirror" is used upon them. This status causes the affected character to attack himself/herself for the remainder of the battle. This is an incurable status in any game in which the status applies and will remain in effect until the end of the game.

Papercut: Player only receives this status from damage equaling 1hp. Affected character takes no action until a healing item is used on him. Character's moral is lowered until the end of the battle. Status also has a chance to inflict fear and sadness.

Identity Crisis: This status can only be acquired if spell "Severe Concussion" is used upon the character. As soon as this status is inflicted, the character will immediately be transported out of battle and a popular character from another videogame will take his place in battle. This character will have a personalized skill set based upon the game that he or she comes from. Others members of the party can cure this status either by using "Freud's Herb" or by attacking the character's head with a lightning spell.

Gump: The gump status is afflicted randomly upon party members. If gump is active upon one character in the party, the entire group will be unable to flee from battle until the status is cured. It does not disappear over time, and can only be cured if "leg braces" is equipped on the affected character. The character also has a random percentage chance to replace the selected action with the special skill "Life is like a box of chocolates," causing the character to cast a random spell.

Babydaddy: This status affects only male characters and can be acquired at any time. Upon receiving this status, the affected character begins to slowly lose energy points, and money begins to be deducted from the party's wallet. Using item "paternity test" has a chance to cure this status. This chance is calculated based on the character's charisma and luck stats.

Apathy: Upon being afflicted with this status effect, the character ceases to be interested in combat. If the character is attacked, any counterattack will be replaced with a shrug and a sigh. Character's theme music will change to an emo song, and any equipped armor will be temporarily replaced with a Hot Topic t-shirt.

Passive-Aggressive: With the Passive-Aggressive status, an affected character is unable to directly inflict damage on their enemy, and may only cast status effect spells in response. The spells Guilt Trip, Poor Me, Backhanded Compliment, and Undermining Gossip all double in duration and potency for the player.

Impotence: When stricken with impotence, the character's equipped weapon becomes malleable and noodle-like. If attacking, the character will inflict no damage, and immediately apologize to the enemy. "This has never happened to me before." will become a dialogue option in conversations. Player can remove this effect using the Powdered Bull Horn item.

Fanboy: The affected character is restricted to one type of attack and one weapon to the exclusion of all others for the duration of the battle. Any attempt to swap out the characters attack or equipment will result in character being afflicted with the Nerd Rage status effect as well.

Severe Allergies: Any character under this status effect will be unable to use plant-based healing items for the remainder of the battle. Any use of herbal HP items will result in sneezing for 3 turns. Player may use the item Benadryl to remove this effect, but at the cost of halving their action speed and losing all initiative rolls.

. . .But What Am I?: An enemy may cast this status effect spell once they are under 25% of their original HP. Player's HP/SP are changed to the enemy's. Players may negate this effect with the use of the Snappy Comeback skill.

PAX Plague: Any player affected with PAX Plague will immediately lose the ability to take all actions other than feverishly sweating and clutching their swag items. Character will gain immunity from item theft. Unless the character is removed from battle, all remaining party members will also receive this status effect the following turn.

Ahh, so much to fear. The world of RPGs is truly a terrifying one. But the horror doesn’t need to stop at the end of this post! Indeed, I have created a forum thread for the status effect party to continue forever! (Doing so here in the comments of this blog would be too difficult due to the lack of bumping ability.)

Please join the party! Invent status effects funnier than the world has ever imagined!

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