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Analoge's blog

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Analoge avatar 2:01 PM on 11.08.2013  (server time)
Where it all began: A transition story and a plea for help

I've got a lot of history with Destructoid.

I first heard about Dtoid back in 2005 because I was looking for a game site I could trust. The general attitude Dtoid had, that STFUAJPG attitude was exactly what I was looking for. I read several reviews for games I was interested by one Mr. Jim Sterling and found that we had very similar tastes in games. I came to trust his reviews so much that I began to listen to the podcasts he was featured on. That's when it all clicked. 

I was in the United States Navy then. I found Dtoid right before a six month deployment in which I would be stuck on a ship with no access to internet. I had just found this amazing site where I felt I could really belong, and now I had to say goodbye to it for 6 whole months! I stockpiled old episodes of Podtoid, Podcastle, and Retroforce Go! That whole deployment, I listened to the podcasts whenever I could. If I was cleaning (you do a lot of cleaning in the Navy) I'd have one earbud in. If I had a moment alone, I was chuckling or full blown laughing my ass of at the antics of Jim, Anthony, and Samit. I spent long nights on watch, on top of a ship with an M16 on my shoulder and an earbud in my ear, getting my pants charmed off by the likes of Chad, Colette, and Topher. I swore when I got back, I would become a member of that community. I would be a dtoider.

So I did. I came back and started posting on the forums, chatting in IRC, playing in FNF's. Just being a part of the community. I met Johnnyviral, Ryu89, and Tactix and we eventually went on to host a (still running) community podcast called 321GoCast. I attended PAX's and met and fell in love with the amazing people who make up this site. This was home.

And the dtoid community welcomed me with open arms. I was a dtoider... But I was hiding something. Both from myself and the people I loved. See, Analoge used to be this boy. Man. Whatever. He had his charms. He was funny, and spunky, and cynical. But he wasn't a real person, a whole person. He felt hollow and alone, even in the company of friends, but he couldn't figure out what was making him feel that way. So he went to therapy, determined to figure out why he felt so sad when he was so happy. 

And one day, I figured it out. One day I walked out of a therapist's office a very confused person who really only knew one thing myself.

All my life, all I've wanted was to be a girl. 

That was 2 years ago, and every moment since I've grappled with and grasped with my own hands the gender that I knew I was. There've been truly ugly parts, too: Friends lost, family members disowned. But I did it. I can truly say that when I look in the mirror I see a beautiful woman.

But there's still something wrong. Something so wrong that it's all I can do to not let it consume me. I was born with a body that does not fit me.

I've done everything that I can to right what's wrong with my body, but I have come up against a wall. A wall of about six-thousand dollars. See, that's how much it's going to cost me to get the surgery I need to make me a whole person, and I simply don't have it. I don't have any way to get it. I live paycheck to paycheck just to make rent, eat, and pay for the myriad other expenses that transition comes with, including the cost of hormones and laser hair removal on my face.

Some of you may know me. You may have known me before transition, or you may have known me after. You may know me as a girl who speaks her mind, and I may have said something in the past that upset you. You may have even said something that upset me. I had even left the community in a bit of a huff over some of it. but I want to get past that. Move forward.

Because that's what families do. They put their differences aside and help each other when they need it. Destructoid is a family. It's my family.

So I'm asking you, my family, to help me. I'm crowdfunding my surgery and I would be beyond grateful if you would give as you can. If you cannot donate, but can help in any other way, such as spreading the word on your social network or on the sites you run, I would be forever in your debt. 

I've gotta make this happen somehow, and I'm inviting you to be a part of changing a girl's life forever, giving her the body she needs. The body she deserves. 

Please help.

Click Here to Save a Trans Girl's Life and Support Jill's Surgery

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