Sometimes there are characters that just stick in your head. You can’t help but find them incredibly identifiable. You’re so taken with their well-fleshed out back-story, their rapier wit, and their spot on character design.

These are not those characters.

These are the characters that turn up in otherwise amazingly deep games and completely shallow it out with their mere presence on-screen. These are not the characters that experience earth shattering loss, who find real love, or who save the day with daring and panache.

These are the B-squad of video games.

Double H


Never have 4 syllables expressed so much pain, joy, and sadness. So much humanity. The very utterance of them literally gives me goose bumps. Oh please, Double H, Won’t you please just hold me close one more time and whisper lightly in my ear … “10-4 Miss Jade!”

Now don’t get me wrong. The AI in Beyond Good and Evil was quite nice. It did what you wanted it to, and you rarely even had to think about it, but after some really great back and forth between Jade and Pey’J at the start of the game, Double H and his incessant “Yes, Miss Jade!” for the majority of the game is simply not acceptable.

Amarant Coral


Poor Amarant. Not only did they neglect to include him in any worthwhile plot, (Zidane stole his goatee back in ’84 or something. I don’t remember.) but they also forgot that he was a playable character, and as such needed to actually not suck. They even went so far as to pit him in an incredibly easy battle against your main character upon his first appearance in the game, just to cement the whole “nothing to see here” aspect.

I can only imagine what Amarant, Eiko, and Quina have to say to each other as they sit their asses on the bench for every second of the game that I’m not obligated to humor them by sticking them in my party.

G-Man


I don’t know…. If they’re trying to make G-Man mysterious…. Or what,
But talking…. Like Christopher…. Walken…. Isn’t helping.
Sure, its cool how he just shows up in random places, and there’s all the speculation about who he really is, but does he really have to be so deadpan?


The weapons dealer


I get it. I really do. He’s just there to sell you weapons. He’s got a trench coat lined with a rocket launcher and unlimited ammo for the Chicago Typewriter, but he doesn’t stop to think, “Hmm… Maybe I should do something about this whole Las Plagas thing.” Nope, he’s True Neutral. NO, HE’S NOT TRUE FUCKING NEUTRAL. HE’S A BAD IDEA!

Let’s think about this for a second. I just ran into this seedy guy in the middle of South America and the first thing he does is open his trench coat at me. Did I mention I’ve been attacked by maniacs since the second I got here? Did I also mention I’m carrying a gun?

Ignoring the fact that in a more realistic situation, that guy would have joined the rest of the grease stains I’m already leaving in my wake, the guy calls you stranger throughout the whole game. The whole game. I’ve been buying weapons and hocking stupid trinkets on you for quite some time now. We’re acquainted. Now bring that fucking arsenal you’ve got shoved up your ass and get in the game, or I will throw you in that trash can with the weird wriggly thing (you know that thing scared the shit out of you guys. Don’t act like you don’t remember it.).

That’s all the character abortions I could think of for now. I’m sure you guys can think of more, so if you do be sure and tell me.