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Analoge's blog

2:01 PM on 11.08.2013

Where it all began: A transition story and a plea for help

I've got a lot of history with Destructoid.

I first heard about Dtoid back in 2005 because I was looking for a game site I could trust. The general attitude Dtoid had, that STFUAJPG attitude was exactly what I was looking for. I read several reviews for games I was interested by one Mr. Jim Sterling and found that we had very similar tastes in games. I came to trust his reviews so much that I began to listen to the podcasts he was featured on. That's when it all clicked. 

I was in the United States Navy then. I found Dtoid right before a six month deployment in which I would be stuck on a ship with no access to internet. I had just found this amazing site where I felt I could really belong, and now I had to say goodbye to it for 6 whole months! I stockpiled old episodes of Podtoid, Podcastle, and Retroforce Go! That whole deployment, I listened to the podcasts whenever I could. If I was cleaning (you do a lot of cleaning in the Navy) I'd have one earbud in. If I had a moment alone, I was chuckling or full blown laughing my ass of at the antics of Jim, Anthony, and Samit. I spent long nights on watch, on top of a ship with an M16 on my shoulder and an earbud in my ear, getting my pants charmed off by the likes of Chad, Colette, and Topher. I swore when I got back, I would become a member of that community. I would be a dtoider.

So I did. I came back and started posting on the forums, chatting in IRC, playing in FNF's. Just being a part of the community. I met Johnnyviral, Ryu89, and Tactix and we eventually went on to host a (still running) community podcast called 321GoCast. I attended PAX's and met and fell in love with the amazing people who make up this site. This was home.

And the dtoid community welcomed me with open arms. I was a dtoider... But I was hiding something. Both from myself and the people I loved. See, Analoge used to be this boy. Man. Whatever. He had his charms. He was funny, and spunky, and cynical. But he wasn't a real person, a whole person. He felt hollow and alone, even in the company of friends, but he couldn't figure out what was making him feel that way. So he went to therapy, determined to figure out why he felt so sad when he was so happy. 

And one day, I figured it out. One day I walked out of a therapist's office a very confused person who really only knew one thing myself.

All my life, all I've wanted was to be a girl. 

That was 2 years ago, and every moment since I've grappled with and grasped with my own hands the gender that I knew I was. There've been truly ugly parts, too: Friends lost, family members disowned. But I did it. I can truly say that when I look in the mirror I see a beautiful woman.

But there's still something wrong. Something so wrong that it's all I can do to not let it consume me. I was born with a body that does not fit me.

I've done everything that I can to right what's wrong with my body, but I have come up against a wall. A wall of about six-thousand dollars. See, that's how much it's going to cost me to get the surgery I need to make me a whole person, and I simply don't have it. I don't have any way to get it. I live paycheck to paycheck just to make rent, eat, and pay for the myriad other expenses that transition comes with, including the cost of hormones and laser hair removal on my face.

Some of you may know me. You may have known me before transition, or you may have known me after. You may know me as a girl who speaks her mind, and I may have said something in the past that upset you. You may have even said something that upset me. I had even left the community in a bit of a huff over some of it. but I want to get past that. Move forward.

Because that's what families do. They put their differences aside and help each other when they need it. Destructoid is a family. It's my family.

So I'm asking you, my family, to help me. I'm crowdfunding my surgery and I would be beyond grateful if you would give as you can. If you cannot donate, but can help in any other way, such as spreading the word on your social network or on the sites you run, I would be forever in your debt. 

I've gotta make this happen somehow, and I'm inviting you to be a part of changing a girl's life forever, giving her the body she needs. The body she deserves. 

Please help.

Click Here to Save a Trans Girl's Life and Support Jill's Surgery   read

11:17 AM on 05.15.2013

Chloe Sagal, Allistair Pinsof, and Destructoid's Response

The story, for those of you who haven't heard, can be found here. The word's straight out of Pinsof's mouth can be found here. The tl;dr version is that Allistair Pinsof found it necessary to out a transgender* woman who is closeted everywhere but the internet (a common survival tactic among trans* folk who don't feel safe coming out in their real lives) over his twitter, claiming that he was justified in doing so in the name of journalistic integrity.

This isn't about a possible scam. It isn't about the definition of the word "lifesaving." It's about a Destructoid writer acting in a completely unethical manner. It is never, under any circumstances, okay to out a transgender* person. To do so while that person is recovering in a hospital from a suicide attempt is beyond contemptible.

I am an out trans* woman. I am also a member of the Destructoid community. How Destructoid handles this issue deeply affects me and the large group of transgender* Dtoiders who are not out. People who have come to me to tell me how strong I am, and how much it means to them that I am out and proud and that I speak out on the site for those who can't. I could no longer face those people if I did not speak out now.

What can Destructoid do to fix this problem? It's a question I don't completely have the answer to, but I know it starts with this: I am calling for the termination of Allistair Pinsof as a Destructoid employee. I am also asking for a public apology from Destructoid. Finally I would ask that Destructoid run an article that raises awareness about transgender* issues as they relate to the games industry (yes, I am aware that a community member's article was promoted, that's not what I'm talking about). Think of it as community service.

Destructoid has be a home for me for many years. Some of my best friends I have met on the site, and I would not be living where I am right now were it not for the connections I made through Dtoid. It hurts my heart to have its name attached to such actions, and the sooner it makes amends for this, the sooner I can go back to being a happy member of the community. Until then, I feel like an outcast.   read

3:20 PM on 04.10.2012

Mass Effect 3: Extended Cut [SPOILERS!]

Hey, Dtoid! Long time no see!

How's your family and every little thing with you? Okay, enough pleasantries. I'm here on business.

I made a video of what I think the Mass Effect 3 extended ending should look like, and I'd like you to watch it, because it's funny. That's pretty much the long and short of it.

Here's the video:

Thanks for watching it (unless you didn't watch it, in which case, thanks for not watching it).   read

1:12 PM on 03.31.2010

PAX East: Always I Want To Be With You

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly a group of Destructoid community members, new and old, take to each other. I would liken it to some kind of biological fusion, but that seems kind of gross. It takes the span of about two seconds to feel like you've known the group your whole life.

This PAX was a pleasant surprise for me. In fact, up until about a week before the event the thought hadn't even crossed my mind that I might be showing up. Luckily, due to the efforts of JohnnyViral, Necros, UmbrellaExile, and the other great people rooming with us, as well as Bunny for selling me a pass (at a five dollar discount, I might add) I was able to make it to this wonderful event. I honestly didn't care much for the convention itself. It was overcrowded and most of the panels didn't interest me. The show floor was really just a smorgasbord of crap with a few gems snuggled into hard to reach places.

No, I knew from the start this PAX would be all about the community. For those of you playing along at home, we've now reached the name dropping portion of the show.

DanlHaas It was awesome meeting you for the first time, and you've gotta get up in some skypes sometime.

Dyganth Thanks for sharing your room with me and talking about TMBG with me at like 4 in the morning.

Chewie You were my pillar of strength at the most traumatizing visit to a mall food court I've ever experienced.

Nelson ... Oh dear, Oh dear, Oh dear. Where to begin. Seriously though, you're a true bro. Good luck with your wannabe military career.

Power Glove You had a huge behind-the-scenes hand in making this PAX as awesome as it was. Thanks, man.

ScottyG You're just plain awesome, man. I don't even know where to go from there.

CasualWeaponry Thanks for drinking lots and lots of PBR with us at the risk of great bodily harm.

Tino I fucking love you, man. I'm super glad you made it out to Boston so we could hang out again. I wish you'd came out to karaoke with us, but I unnastand.

Val Get a damn account, bish! For reals though, you're awesome. I've never seen anyone more happy to see me turn up somewhere. Thanks for making me feel like I was cool for a bit. :3

UmbrellaExile You know man, when I first saw you, I couldn't believe my eyes... Welcome to the commurrrnities, yo.

Johnny meeting you was one of the biggest reasons I even came to PAX East. Even though you look nothing like how you sound, it was fucking amazing. See you on the podcast.

Necros Playing Geddan at like 3 in the morning? That's hardcore, yo. Great meeting you, Bob.

Greks I completely spaced on your name like 10 times during the trip. Sorry you couldn't get into karaoke, but thanks for accompanying me on the way there through the relatively seedy looking part of Boston.

Topher I think I might have come off poorly upon first meeting you. It was only because I've been a huge fan of yours since I began at this site. You should see how I reacted when I met Collette, Stella, and Dyson at PAX last year. Suffice it to say there were tears. Either way, I'm glad you were there.

Hamza I assume you haven't washed your cheek since Johnny licked it? Awesome meeting you, as briefly as it was.

Johnathan Holmes We only met briefly as well, but it was great. I love what you do on the site.

Bunny thanks for being awesome. Good luck with stalking Harmonix. :P

Bunny's roommate With your manly crooning and my high pitched warbling we could be a force to be reckoned with in the music industry. I'll have my people call your people. Ciao!

Mark Thanks for being awesomely drunk at karaoke and blowing my mind with some awesome Meatloaf.

Funktastic I hope you enjoyed my rendition of the Wild Arms 3 theme song as much as I will enjoy playing the original Wild Arms. Thanks, bro.

Petiepal I recently watched some video I took from karaoke, and you were the only one who knew to clap during that one part in Shake Senora. With the amount of alcohol we'd imbibed by that point, that is a truly impressive feat. You were awesome, bro!

Zerotolo Thanks for setting up Sunday's lunch thing and just being generally amazing. The next time I'm in town, maybe I'll show up with a guitar case and ask if you know where to score some pot.

Samit A pleasure, as always. This year, the same as last year, you were the most approachable, down to Earth, and just generally fun to talk to of all the editors. Thanks for that.

Adam I regret that I did not witness the spectacle of you throwing down on those chicken wings. I'm sure I would have swooned, though. Great to meet you.

Wexx It was great to finally meet you. If only I'd known you were so damn close the WHOLE FUCKING TIME I was in the navy... Oh well.


WalkYourPath Another of the big selling points for my trip was to meet you again. Your wit rivals my own, but my unflappable cheeriness gives me a distinct edge. I can't say enough nice things about you, Seanathon, so I'll just stop. Good luck in all your endeavors, Dtoid and otherwise.

Kauza You, my good sir are living the dream. One day, I hope to write for video games (that phrase carries just as much stigma for me now as it did for you) and it's people like you who fuel my aspiration. I'm getting slightly emotional now, possibly due to recounting all the people who made this event so wonderful, and I thought I had more nice things to say about you, but I'm sure you get the gist. Someday down the line I hope to meet up with you at one of these events and we can just laugh about the times that we weren't hotshot game JOURNALISTS.


I am now emotionally exhausted from writing this giant lovefest of a cblog, but suffice it to say that the tons of people I forgot to mention were just as awesome. I'll see you all around the site. Oh, and just to get it out of the way before I get a thousand of them in the comments: OOOHH NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Awesome count: 10
Amazing count: 3
PAX East 2010 review score: 4.0 out of 10   read

5:26 PM on 03.16.2010

Happy Boifday, Dtoid!

In a few months I"ll be writing my dtoid anniversary post, so I'll keep this short. You guys are fucking awesome. Don't stop doing that.


7:01 PM on 03.08.2010

Something About Sex: We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off...

Sex is everywhere. You can't be exposed to television, movies, music, advertising, water cooler conversation, or just walk down the street without being bombarded by sex. Sex is in video games as well. Why? Is it because it's part of the human experience and therefore deserves a place in a culture-affecting medium or is it because sex sells? Playboy editor Scott Alexander said, "If there is a new technology, we will try to fuck it". I don't think we should fuck this one.

A lot of the pro-sex static comes from the "games are art" crowd. If games are art, do they need sex? Let's look at some actual art.

This is The Birth of Venus by Sandro Botticelli. It's a painting of (you guessed it) the birth of the Roman goddess Venus, a deity who aroused humans to physical love. It's art.

This is from Googling the word "sex". With the exception of my masterful editing, this is not art.

Here's the difference. Sex is cheap. Sexuality is art. As an artistic medium it's not right to force sexuality out of video games for the sake of morality or an obscenely flawed ratings system. By the same token, it's not right to force sex into games when it doesn't belong there. I'm not talking about the more tasteful stuff right now. I'm talking about sex in games for either the shock value and profit (BMX XXX) or for raunchy humor (Hot Coffee or the Saint's Row 2 Prostitution game). Granted these examples aren't exactly looking for kudos from the "games are art" community (they call them beard strokes), but it still hurts the medium as a whole. If you're into looking at drawings and numbers get it on more power to you, but it has no place in a mainstream retail title. I'm not in favor of censorship, but there's a reason why hentai games are a sub-genre of video games.

But enough about the obvious bad apples in the bunch, let's talk about the group that seems to be doing their very best to add some legitimacy to the sexual content in their games, Bioware (What, you thought you'd make it through this thing without them being mentioned?). Bioware is the vanguard of video game relationship simulation right now (See what I did there?). Their latest attempt at "sex scenes" are done well. It's all about subtlety; A furtive look, a little tasteful skin. Unfortunately the lead up to the actual scene is too sudden and forced. There's no "are they, aren't they" drama. You know as soon as you recruit a character whether or not you'll get to bone them. If they'd just hang up this idea that every choice in the game has to be made by the player they'd be able to give you a decent love interest instead of shoehorning them in then killing them off later.

As well done as they are, it seems like the sex scenes are just a check in a box for Bioware, and with their success I can see more like it on the horizon. I'm not saying that sex flat out doesn't beling in games (though I doubt I personally would be interested in a game heavily driven by sex), but I do think that, like any serious topic, it needs to be eased into video games in small, tasteful bites. I don't play video games to get off, and anyone who does is playing for the wrong reason. If games are ever to become a form of entertainment respected on the same level as some of the more established ones, we need to go in head first, not dick first.

"It's like I've eaten spam a few times from a few popular brands and in a few serving suggestions, and found I'm not really keen on spam, 'cos it's salty and slimy and looks like something you might find in the alien queen's litter box. But I've found myself in a world that's completely obsessed with spam. People spend their entire lives in pursuit of spam. Every single advert on TV sells their product by placing it alongside spam. Movies have to work in at least one spam scene to reach the broadest audience. People break up and get divorced because they don't exchange enough spam. Soldiers are given time out to go have some spam. Low-risk prisoners are given spam visiting rights. People die for spam. Entire economies have been based around spam. Selling spam is the world's oldest profession. The lack of spam has been linked to mental disorders. The only thing getting teenagers through difficult puberty is the thought of one day getting to have spam of their very own."
—Yahtzee   read

1:57 PM on 03.05.2010

Friday Night Fights: Minecraft!

Tonight, we craft mine.

In case you're not aware, Minecraft is a sandbox construction game of the highest caliber.It let's you build awesome stuff and doesn't afraid of anything.

If you're interested in playing, here's what to do:

Go here and download the custom client (You'll need to register).

Next go here and register (quit whining there's isn't even an email confirmation for this one).

Now go to the folder you put the custom client in and open the run.bat file.

Finally, put this ( into the url field, click go and away you go!

The server's up right now, but just for organization's sake let's say the festivities kick off at 5:00 Central/ 6:00 Eastern/ ???? Mountain (because if you live in mountain time fuck you anyway).

Also, be sure to get on skype! My skype name is analoge2. Send me your contact information and we can have a gay old time.

I'm out like the gout.   read

9:59 PM on 03.02.2010

Dtoid Minecraft Server! (We Built a Giant Mr. Destructoid Head!)

So Minecraft is this amazing sandbox game where you can build things on a giant map with a bunch of other people. I made a server today and this is the fruit of Ryu89 and my labor!

If you're interested in playing (Protip: you are), here's what to do.

Go here and download the custom client (You'll need to register).

Next go here and register (quit whining there's isn't even an email confirmation for this one).

Finally, go to the folder you put the custom client in and open the run.bat file.

Then put this ( into the url field, click go and away you go!

See you there!

(not made by me :3)   read

4:54 PM on 02.13.2010

RAAAAAGE [Short Blog]

My face when I accidentally clicked on the Halo Legends link FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME:

7:36 PM on 12.18.2009

Dtoid Secret Santa: Best Present Ever!

So I got my present today, and I couldn't be more thrilled.

Let's jump right in and see what I got.

First, a card:

What's that? a hand drawn Captain Strong?! Wait, do my eyes deceive me?

No, they don't! That's the coolest thing ever!

Alright, alright get it together. What else have we got?

A neat button:

A cool sticker:

And the Piece de Resistance, the incredibly well made Mother 3 fan handbook!

This thing is badass. It's got all these neat claymation illustrations (I think they were part of the original games advertising or something) as well as seperate illustrations of every enemy, including one of my favorites:

And check out this bitchin' poster that it comes with:

So it goes without saying (even though I said it) that this is the best present ever. I don't know who got it for me, but they rule.   read

9:56 PM on 09.10.2009

PAX 09: Dig Or Be Dug

I posted half of a comic purchased at the door of PAX yesterday. This is the second half (or first half if you want to be difficult about things) of that comic. I feel as if I should make a few things known beforehand. I neither support or un-support Mormons. I bet some of them are pretty rad dudes. Lastly, my scan abilities are less than desirable, so for the unreadable parts on the notebook paper, I have included the text below with spelling and punctuation intact.


Dear Jesus or other high ranking Angels that may find this letter,
My name is Nathan Rogers, I'm a member of the LDS Church. I'm writing you this letter as a very desparate attempt to save my family and friends who have made a colony here in heaven on the planet Kolob. I don't expect to save myself and I don't really think I deserve to live. Because right now I don't really understand the difference between heaven and hell and I really don't believe you exist at all.

We've been here for about 5 months. We came here from the planet earth to be by your grace and to see all our loved ones again who passed away during the Great Holy War. Maybe it's because we cheated and came to heaven the wrong way. That's why it's been so hard.

Coming to Kolob has been a struggle for all of us. We lost a quarter of our settlers of New Salt Lake during the first 2 months from radiation sickness while we were still building safe housing that can withstand the immense radiation from the God Star. Most of the deaths were of the more able bodied men doing the construction work of our housing. Sacrifices were to be expected, I thought their deaths were just a minor set back, and very soon they would be reunited with their loved ones when we located exactly where you castle is along with the cities where all the normal angels and saved lived.

What my dad said, really disturbed me. Until that time I never doubted that I would be the one to locate heaven underground and save every one. I put all my trust in Thomas Woodruff, my parents, and the Mormon scientist. They were all so smart. I mean, the scientists discovered a way to travel here to Kolob using wave propulsion engine and they created the Digdug arm that drills and blows dirt clear to move through solid ground with ease. With such brilliant minds, who am I to question anything they say.

Tunneling underground reminds me a lot more of earth, compared to the surface, with the extreme heat and radiation. I don't really like thinking about what we left behind on earth. I don't like to dwell.

After I escaped the underground that's when I decided to write you this letter. What am I supposed to think, now? Is everything I've grown up to believe all of my life and everyone that I've loved and trusted wrong? Is there no heaven, no golden paradise, no God? Are all my fondest hopes and aspirations, everything I believe an elaborate fable?
I've lost everything and everyone in life and death.
I can't return home. I won't spread what I've discovered to everyone else. They wouldn't accept me, anyhow. Please help them if...


9:29 PM on 09.09.2009

PAX 09: The Legend Of That Link Kid

Here's my contribution from PAX 09. 1/2 of a Morman comic that I didn't even pay the three dollars for (Chooly did). I stood in line to play Borderlands and read this, and thought, " This is so over the top. People have to see this." There wasn't any fine print in this book saying not to post it on the internet, so if you're Aaron Wright and want me to pull it, just let me know.

This isn't the best scan ever made, but it gets the job done. Without further ado, I present to you The Legend of that Link Kid: An 8 Bit Tragedy Presentation.


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