Okay, I'm at my wit's end here.

One of the toughest parts of the original Ninja Gaiden is memorizing the appearance of birds. Birds have this incredible ability to just kill you instantly in mid-jump. As with the original Castlevania, getting hit in mid jump is pretty much the same as getting kissed on the lips by Vinnie the Strangler, being passed the black spot or making love to Magic Johnson.

Too soon?

5-2 is probably the worst for this. There are dozens of these eagles that just dive out from the top of the screen at you, and depending on the angle of your leaps, you can easily either get pounded to death clinging to a bare rock-face, or just whipped an inch back, tumbling into the chasm below.



However, none of these are the the problem faced by my cat. The main problem my cat faces is actually in 1-1. He has no problem, given a little gentle persuasion, getting the guy to move a bit to the right. I've sometimes gotten him to even hit the sword button once or twice. But the complicated series of jumps right when you get to the first "Enjoy Coke" sign, is just too tough for his simple motor skills and tenuous understanding of how my old NES even works.



I've always found the simple, repetitive music between scenes in the original Ninja Gaiden to be eerie and haunting, despite their apparent simplicity. We need more remixes of those original tunes. The plot hops around somewhat randomly, but seemed to have a kind of genuine consistency of tone and character missing from a lot of games of that era. The level design was fiendish, and some of the bosses ridiculously hard, but mostly, it was all about memorizing patterns and exploiting them. And yet, my cat can't seem to memorize the simplest patterns in the game, even at the level of anticipating the third enemy or so. All he anticipates is my disappointment.

Now I don't know if there are strategy guides designed specifically for cats, because I've tried everything, from gentle coaching to treats, to a rolled up newspaper. I just can't get Wubby to clear stage 1-1. He's a smart cat, but apparently not motivated enough. Maybe if I rubbed catnip on the screen.

At first, I gave him a treat every time he killed one of those jaguar things or the boxers that seem to be hopping around punching thin air for no discernible reason, but honestly, I like to think we're beyond that. Now he only gets a treat if he at least manages to wall jump. I know he can do it. He's very intuitive.

Does anybody else feel that, more-so even than other games of the era, the enemies in this one are mostly just minding their own business before you slash their heads open and watch their 8-bit brains shatter on the sidewalk? I mean, yeah, they do tend to gang up on you, but who wouldn't if some ninja just cut the throat and shot a fountain of fire through your identical twin brother? Many seem as if they'd be happy throwing swords at random with or without you there. Some are just running or flying in a pre-determined arc, and you just happen to be in the way.



Sometimes I try deliberately to avoid as many enemies as I can, live and let-live I say. Those football players seem depressed enough as it is.

I really want my cat to enjoy the later levels of this game, all the stunning revelations, but nothing seems to motivate him. I've tried taping the controller to his paws, but that just seems to annoy him. I've tried cajoling him. "No wet food until you beat Bloody Malth," but I don't think it's going through.

Is there a Cat Whisperer that focusses on early NES carts? Seriously, there needs to be a Cat Whisperer that focusses on early NES carts. Maybe I should start him on something simpler like the first stages of the Adventures of Lolo or Dragon Warrior or something. Something where you don't need a lot of buttons. He seemed to do just fine at Wii Music.



I never really cared for any of the sequels all that much. I found the new angles in NGII and NGIII to be dull rehashes of the revenge-story of the first game. There's something really heartbreaking when you find out that your father is alive, only to see him under the control of the Jaquio. And what happens next is classic tragedy material. If only my cat would try just that little bit harder.

The original Ninja Gaiden is one of the most frustrating games I ever owned, but one of my favourites too. The whole game feels cinematic and fresh every time, and the difficulty builds in a way that feels organic all the way through, apart from a few really cheap deaths. Bosses start from the ground level, and work up to being a cavalcade of death and dismemberment. Without gore or boobs, the original NES version was a moody but fun piece, combining Ninja vengence with a quasi Indiana Jonesish quality of discovery and adventure. And yet, my cat can't even clear the first level.

Wubby is a clever cat. He can leap straight from the floor to the top of his favourite scratching post, at least, back when I let him use it. He could understand words like "food" and "bath" even though I can't understand a word of cat. He even knows how to use his own catbox now, something that obviously isn't a basic instinct. However, I'm not even sure he knows what's going on in the screen sometimes. He just looks up at me and mews until I remove the tape from his paws and let him have a sip of water. It's really disappointing.

If this keeps up, I might have to let my wife and son up for another try. I wonder how they're doing down there, anyway. Oh, who knows. As Wubby knows, it's all about the retro! Hurray!