Letter to My Ex-Boyfriend, NPC - Destructoid

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I'm a nine year old Ogilvie Mountain Collared Lemming. My hobbies are skydiving and colour identification (I'm up to 2307!). My top 10 games are, 10. Batman (NES), 9. Reading Rabbit (CPU), 8. Bubble Bobble (PS3), 7. Leaving Las Vegas: The Official Video Game (N64), 6. Ms. Pac Man (Arcade), 5. Final Fantasy II (ROM Hack), 4. Pac Man Plus (Arcade), 3. Baby Pac Man (C64), 2. Gears of War (XBox360), 1. Pac Man (Wii).

I am currently playing Gi Joes.
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Dear Tony,

It's so hard to write this. You know I love you. You've been such a great guy, always at my side and all, always there. We had fun at Rollerworld, though you insisted on just walking back and forth in a predetermined pattern, I could tell you had fun. And you let me have fun, which is really what made us work. You never let anybody get in your way either. If they stood in the way of your path, you just waited, never pushed, just waited until they were gone, and then you were on your way again, doing the rounds, up from the corner of the old Wattlers place, and then down, around the foutain, past those continually steaming pipes. It was heartening to see old Spanner Rick on those things every day. Though why he never got them fixed is beyond me.

Anyway, I guess what drew me to you in the first place, your single-mindedness, your strong, silent personality just kinda wore thin after a while. I mean, it's not your fault, it's me. I just couldn't live up to the routine you set for us.

It's also, I don't know. A girl gets tired of the same thing day after day. Good morning honey! "The Baron owns a special blade, I've seen it, I know," How was work? "Have you seen the knight that rode in from Hysidia? He's staying in the Inn," I love you, "The Dragonmaster wants to reclaim the four stars of Briaradak, he's not coming here is he?"

It's not that I don't appreciate a bit of news. I liked that you would tell me about what was going on in the world. It always made my head spin to think all those things were going on in our sleepy little village. But after a while it seemed like you were repeating yourself, over and over, just waiting for the next big thing to happen.

I also felt that there was a problem communicating with us. Why did you always have to put the Herbs in that old chest of your Dad's? You know it doesn't have a lock, and that just invites thieves. Not only that, it was inconvenient when you wanted me to make dinner to go all the way downstairs, open the chest, receive Herb, trudge back up the steps, and cut it up over dinner. Why couldn't we just store it in that row of bottles on the right side of the counter? Nobody would steal it there. And yet, all you would say when I tried to bring it up to you in open conversation, you know, let you know my feelings, you would get all "The King has transferred Be'iyomarr and the Blue Regiment to fight the Goblin King in the North." Honey, I know that. You said that while we were making love last night. Over and over.

Anyway, I guess you know too it just hasn't been working out too well for us. I like variety, spice in life, you like to walk the same route all day for seemingly no reason. There was that whole week where all you said was "Welcome to Helinicca." What was that about?

In the end, I just feel, it's not you, but I'm getting stifled in this relationship. You're a great guy, you really are, but I can't do this forever. And, well, that's not all. There's more I guess, and this is the part I've been dreading.


I may as well tell you, it's not like you're going to ask.

I'm going out with Ryan. It's really not you. Only, he's got a whole dialogue tree I haven't fully explored. It's not that orange exclamation mark over his head, I promise.

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