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Community Discussion: Blog by Alphadeus | My Last Blog.Destructoid
My Last Blog. - Destructoid




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Alphadeus
7:50 PM on 04.03.2014

Dramatic title! Grabs the attention of the eyes and heart! But why so drama?

I want to get some things out of the way. I'm not leaving Destructoid. I love the website and the community. I should still pop on occasionally to throw out a comment. A good way to summon me is to talk about video game music.

Of all the people that I've befriended and defriended, I only really have an issue with 1 person. I will not say who or why, but I'm sure if one were to dig, they could figure it out. I will say there's a very good chance it's not you. Their behavior makes mine look acceptable, and the "beef" only goes as far as simply disliking them enough to make a paragraph about it on my last blog.

At the moment, none of my projects are being worked on, and I'm fairly certain most of them are cancelled. I have been making piano journals since I've shared the last few, but since YouTube is being a bitch about either making me use a Google+ account, or turning my main account into a Google+ page, I haven't been able to upload anything with any of my passwords, so fuck it. They're on a Dropbox. If you want a link, you'll need to get in touch with me.

Blogs hidden. Social media accounts unused. This is pretty much it. I'm "done". No one did anything wrong. I have problems that will never go away. I do not want attention, but I feel almost obligated to let the people I care about know that I'm still alive. I get to spend the rest of my life with a single question that can only be answered by a dead man.

"Why?"

But that's just a part of it. If you know me at all, you know I don't want to be alive. I don't exactly want to kill myself either. I want it to happen on its own, and if I can control it, I'd like a little time beforehand to treat it like Christmas morning. Death is the only guaranteed thing in life, and when you're stuck in limbo, it seems like a logical desire.

I like the term "neutral". I do not move. The world pushes me around, and I just get to enjoy the ride. When you've experienced both ends of the spectrum, you no longer want anything anymore. At least, anything worth wanting.

I've gone on and on about the shit I've been through, and you know what? It doesn't matter. Negativity is the fire that forged me into the blade I am today. Yeah, I grew up in poor conditions, but I was happy for the most part. Or at least what I think happiness is. It's not the magical rainbow bullshit they show you in the media.

But I'm not in shambles. I'm not really broken. At least in the sense that I try to hurt other people, and eventually drown myself in alcohol. My fatalistic mentality has gone through some major growth. I've gone from hating myself, wanting to kill myself, not really caring in the negative sense, hating everyone else, eventually understanding the human condition and learning to accept it, wishing I could just go to a hospital and donate all of my organs because there are people out there that want to live that can use them, to where I am now. I exist. I have no plans. I have no needs. If you take the ground from under me, and the roof over my head, I'll drift.

Never focused. Always losing the point I try to make. Things are good. I'm not broke. I'm not rich. I'll never be famous. I want to reach out to my friends, but I don't know how, so I submerge. I'd like to think that nothing can happen to me that could destroy me, but I know to expect the unexpected.

No matter how many simulations I run, something always happens that I can't expect, because I never experienced it before. When I recover, I adjust my way of thinking to incorporate the new data. I suppose that's a stupid way of saying what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

This is my last blog, same as the previous, and the one before it. Nonsensical. That's what I am, and always will be. This is not goodbye. Chances are high that we will never say goodbye to each other.

So yeah, I'm fucked in the head, but I'm okay. Things are moving around me, and I'm trying to avoid obstacles on the way down. But unless I die, this won't be the last you hear from me. It just won't be another one of these pointless, over-dramatic blogs.

I miss you guys. I don't know how to reach out to any of you, so I'll just stop trying. You want to reach out to me, I won't ignore you. But I honestly have no clue what I'm doing, and what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing, so I guess I'll write a stupid blog just to let people know I'm not dead.

My song isn't over yet, but I guess this is the rest in between the 2 movements. You guys keep on being the best community I've come across. If we never speak again, then forget me.

So many words to say something so pointless. I'll be around, okay? I hope that if I do get what I want, that maybe you never find out. Maybe you assume I lived happily ever after, whether I actually do or not. I don't have too many complaints with my life. I've been with the woman I love for over 14 years. I'm snipped, so I cannot possibly contribute to creating another living being. A bit of planning on my part. I'm not miserable. I just can't do it anymore. I can't keep reaching out to people only to watch my words fly by.

I'm one of those guys that are supposed to just fall through the cracks.

Ugh. I'm stuck in the doorway! Play me off, I'm boiling up here! I suppose if these were my last words ever, I should end on some wise words based on my life experiences.

No matter what happens, no matter how hard life pushes you, you resist. If you fall, try to get back up, and keep standing. Move in any direction you feel like, because every step in any direction is progress. Every major (positive) scale has a relative minor (negative) scale. You need both to exist in harmony.†

Music would not be as beautiful as it is if the notes only went up. They go wherever they need to be. The higher up you are on the scale, the more it hurts when you hit what you consider the bottom, only to find that the hole can get deeper. Learn to dance between the ups and downs, and never stay neutral. Don't play the same note over and over, or you'll become like me. The 1-note nobody.

That sounded way cooler in my head, but on the screen, it looks depressing. Just uh, keep your songs going :P



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