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I write music. I also set up a Patreon if you'd like to support me making more music.
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I read Mr Andy Dixon's blog and it inspired me to make a similar one. It's difficult for me to come up with 10 things about myself, because there's a lot to know about me. I'm going to compare myself to Andy's list of 10 things to start, then I'll try to come up with 10 new things.

10 Things About Me (Compared to Andy Dixon)

1) I usually get obsessed with 1 or 2 games, and I rarely finish games.

I've had my fair share of addictions. Bejeweled 3 (Unknown amount of time), Animal Crossing New Leaf (Around 600 hours), Skyrim (200+ hours on PC, 80+ hours on console), Final Fantasy XI (Over 300 days of playtime spanning 10+ years). Other games rarely hold my interest. I also rarely beat games. I beat the original Borderlands, and Saint's Row IV. I collect digital games for reasons I'll talk about in the 10 new things about me.

2) I'm okay at fighting games, but it's usually luck.

I know my way around Street Fighter 2+, and am fairly quick to learn other fighting games. I don't consider myself great, but I've beaten people that considered themselves better than average (as in tournament people). I don't rely on any sort of cheap tactics, if I'm throwing fireballs, I usually stop at 2-3, then rush in.

The thing about fighting games is that I just want to enjoy playing them. I don't like being competitive, so I play very casually. I feel like I would probably have skills if I wanted to, but what's the point if I'm not having fun? If I'm absolutely destroying someone, I'll pull back, but if I'm being pushed, I give it my best shot.

3) My gamer card shall remain intact :p

I spend a lot of time playing games, mostly on PC or iOS at the moment. I've been grabbing Wii U titles as well. Just picked up Warioware Touched to see how DS emulation works. Seems pretty good. I hope to be gaming until I'm dead.

4) I was a console gamer in the 90s due to not having a PC.

I played tons of NES, SNES, Genesis, Turbografx, Gameboy games, and so on. My father would sell used games in order to pick up other used games. My friend introduced me to backup units on the SNES, leading to a collection of 250+ snes games on floppy disks (I also had around 60 carts). The only experiences I had with 90s PC shooters was at a friends house. I used to love playing Doom, Descent I and II, and probably a few other games he had. 

5) I like Rollerblading, when I can do it.

I've never went Ice Skating, but I used to Rollerblade when I was a kid. Due to being old and in bad shape, I don't do it anymore, but I wish I still did. I think rollerblading has given me a good sense of balance.

6) I will never be a father.

I had a vasectomy back in 2009 (by choice :p). I would've had it sooner if I could have. All my life, I knew I was never going to want to have children. I can barely take care of myself. I would make a terrible father. I also don't want events to repeat (what happened to my father and how it affected me as a child). 

7) I welcome death whenever it is ready for me. 

I don't care how good I'm doing in life. If death comes knocking, I'm going to answer the door. This is different than the suicidal thoughts I dealt with before I went on a decent medication. I want to die, I can't wait. But at the same time, death is the absolute end, and I figure it'd be interesting to stick around to see what the world turns into. 

8) I'm not fond of heights.

I don't like to use the word scared. I might be scared of heights, but I'm also curious. When I'm high up, I look down because I like the rush I feel at the thought of falling. I do not get this experience in video games, except for one. Jumping Flash 2. It was the only game that ever made my stomach feel weird as I jumped to insane heights, and started falling. I've tried to experience it in newer games, but it doesn't seem to work anymore.

9) I don't know what a friend "is".

Seriously. When does a person become a friend? I almost never talk to anyone, and when I thought I had friends, I pushed them away because I didn't want them to be sad if I killed myself. Things are different, and while I still get depressed, I wish I had friends like I used to have. At least, what I remember them being like.

I want to chat with people, either text or voice. I like getting to know people. That's why I wrote this blog. I learned a lot about Andy, whom I consider to be a good friend. I compare myself to other people, mainly to see just how different life can be. But I don't know what makes a person a friend.

10) I'm Alphadeus, one of the local musician/composers. Ask me anything!


10 New Things About Alphadeus

1) I'm a digital hoarder.

This stems from when I used to collect video games (to play, not to collect) on physical consoles. When I have an interest in emulation, I want to download every rom that exists. These moments pass fairly quick, and I move on to another digital item I can hoard. My biggest collection is actually video game music soundtracks. I believe I have over 3,000 official soundtracks in MP3 format, although I stopped collecting after a certain point.

2) I don't know why I'm able to play the piano the way I do.

If you know me, you know I make Piano Journals. I just sit at the piano, and play whatever I feel like. I generally avoid playing songs I learned (whether original or a cover), so it's really just a mess of semi-random notes. I don't know how I can do it, but I can sit at a piano for a long period of time, and just play. On the other end of the spectrum, I have difficulty playing pieces that are "written", such as original tunes or vgm covers. Something weird happens in my brain, and I get moments of "forgetfulness" that cause me to screw up briefly.

3) I've only had 2 girlfriends, 1 of which I've been with for more than 15 years.

My first relationship was when I was 16-17. It did not last long. My second, however, has been ongoing since February of 2000. I love her very much, and she's a major factor as to why I haven't killed myself yet. I can't imagine life without her. She means the world to me.

4) I don't like social media, and during severe depressions, I will delete my accounts, or unfollow friends.

If you've ever been unfollowed by me, don't take it personally :p Social media is a pain in the ass. There is so much data being flung around, that it overwhelms me. I try to restore connections, but I imagine some people are sick of me with the on and off. If you want to follow me on twitter, the handle is @Alphadeism. I also have a music-only twitter called @Okinui. Facebook is pretty much dead to me, although I might look into joining groups.

5) I wake up at 5am even though I have nowhere to be.

I don't know when this started happening, but for some reason, I wake up at 5am or so every day. This is a pretty boring thing about me, but just running out of things to share :p 

6) My Short-term memory sucks. 

This is why it's difficult to learn to play music on the piano. I don't remember what I did a few seconds/minutes ago. I feel like my mind is a polaroid camera, taking a while to develop the memories.

7) I like numbers, and sequences, and such.

When I worked as a dispatcher for a furniture installation company, I memorized everyone's phone number. It wasn't a "first time seeing, first time remembering" kind of thing. It did take a few uses of the number to remember them, but I had at least 40 people memorized. I was so confident in my ability to remember phone numbers, that I didn't use the contact feature on my phone. When I did start using it, I more or less forgot the numbers since I stopped referencing them. I also like sequences, patterns, etc. I guess this is a byproduct of my autistic mind.

8) I am extremely disorganized.

This applies to everything. I have papers all over my room that I don't know if they are important or not. My music files look like crap, since I rarely label the instruments, or keep track of other important information. It used to be worse, but it's still hard to manage.

9) I don't consider myself a good friend, and I must be afraid of strangers.

But this goes back to the whole not knowing what a friend is thing. I rarely initiate conversation with people. I'm very shy. I also have difficulty playing multiplayer games, especially when strangers are involved. That is why my progress in FFXIV is so poor. I don't know why I'm afraid of strangers in the realm of video games. They can't do anything to me that could hurt me, to my knowledge. Which brings me to my last thing.

10) Words don't hurt me, unless they are describing a malicious action. Also, I'm a psychopath.

I've been in my fair share of flame wars growing up. The thing is, nothing anyone has ever said to me actually "stuck" to me and made me question if what I'm doing is right. I've been called all sorts of names, and it just makes me laugh. I've had bad things wished upon friends and family, and it still doesn't affect me. Words are words, unless they are being used to actually threaten me or someone I know. They don't hurt me, but they definitely raise my concern.

Because of my disconection with words, I also use them as severe weapons. Back in the day, if I wanted to get under someone's skin, I'd go through their internet post history, and find something to bring up to hit them where it hurts. Someone died recently? That used to be ammunition for me. I don't do it anymore, but it was something I kept in my pocket, in order to break someone down if they tried to break me down. Like bringing a nuclear warhead to a plastic knife fight.

I realize how that makes me sound, but I haven't been that way in over 5 years, maybe longer. Words are still powerless to me, but I've taken a more peaceful approach to situations.


So there's the terrible blog post about me. If you ever had any questions you wanted to ask me, now's a good chance. You can ask me anything.

Hello, friends. I wanted to write a blog to update you guys on several things.

First, a little bit of "promotion", I set up a Patreon, in case for some reason, someone felt like supporting me without having to pay for my music on Bandcamp. While the site mentions me using the money for hardware/software upgrades, there's a good chance it might end up going towards doctor bills, which I'll get to in a moment. There is only 1 "upgrade" I'm looking to get, which is Omnisphere 2, but I can save up for it. I'm not good at promoting myself, so I apologize for the scatterbrained paragraph. Patreon is a neat site.

Gonna knock out the doctor concerns. I finally decided to get a primary care physician, that can help me find the cures and treatments for my various conditions. I've already started taking a very good medication for my daily heartburn. I'm in the process of setting up Occupational Therapy sessions to deal with Sensory Processing Disorder, which is probably my biggest cause of pain and depression. My sense of touch is so amped up, that touching normal objects causes me a "ticklish pain-like sensation". I'd be seeing them 3 times a week for 4 weeks, and I don't know how much medicare will cover (I was told 80%, but I might be eligible for a charity program because I don't make any money).

I'm also looking into treatment options for my lower back. I've had a herniated disc in my lower back since I was 18 (34 now), so I've been suffering from that for so long, it feels like a normal part of my day, except when it flares up, and I end up in the emergency room because of the pain.

The least concerning issue, which I haven't brought up yet to my doctor, is my dandruff. I'm using clinical strength shampoo, and I still have issues.

All of this could potentially get expensive, but I can't live like this anymore. I need to address the issues with touch most of all. I'm not asking for money, just giving people options if they wanted to support me for some reason. I'm okay right now, even have a little extra money to buy GTA V on PC, so please consider that before sending money my way. I'm not rich, but I don't do much that costs money.

With all that out of the way, I wanted to talk about Songs for Gamers Volume IV. At the moment, the project is on hold, and I'm worried it could be an extended hold, similar to the gap between Volume I and II. There's also the possibility that it might not happen at all. Right now, I'm musically drained. I've written so much music in such a short time, that I feel like I have nothing left. Every time I think my batteries are recharged, I find out they aren't, and I write a song that doesn't sound like anything the person requested.

I want to keep people updated on what's been going on with me. Even if I was motivated to write music, all of these possible doctor appointments are going to eat away at me, because I've gotten so anxious, that the idea of going outside scares me. I don't know when it happened, or what exactly scares me, but I spend almost all of my time indoors, unable to go out and get groceries.

I think that's all I can say. If you have any questions, or want more information on something I wrote about, please let me know. If for some reason, Songs for Gamers Volume IV does not happen, I'm going to at least try to write the songs for people waiting 2-3+ years at this point, and combine it with Volume III. I hope that doctors are able to address my various conditions. Thank you as always for reading, and being a good friend.

EDIT: I'm updating this blog to let people know (since it's no longer April 1st) that this blog post was an April Fools joke. I originally hid it, but I figure it'd be fun to keep around, even though I spoil the "surprise". The first video link is genuine, while the rest link to variations of Guile's Theme.

Good day, friends.

I wanted to share with you my current progress on the Songs for Gamers Volume IV album. I've written 10 of the 20 songs so far, and it seemed like a good place to take a small break. Many of these songs have not been heard yet, as I have been waiting for approval to share, but I think you'll agree that these songs are ready for prime time.

First up, is the song you've already heard, but the rest are brand new:

Onstro (Cosmonstropolis)

MortyMnemonic (Morty)

It's Bardley Just Begun (Bardley)

Bubblegum Enema (BrowneyeWinkin)

Your Headphones are on Backwards (Nanashi)

Leonine Cowboy (Orlion)

Rain Over Midna (SeymourDuncan17)

Ramblings of a Reject Pony (Solar Pony Django)

This Guy Ain't So Scholarly (The Scholarly Gamer)

Hoffmann Hardcore (R. Hoffman)

I'd love to hear your thoughts, criticisms, etc on these pieces. I really enjoy writing music, especially for the community, since it has been so nice to me. I look forward to finishing the album.

As always, thanks for listening.

Good day, friends.

I released a new album earlier that I wanted to share (what else is new!? :p). It's called 2AD15 - I. I suppose it has an odd name if you haven't seen me post before, but since I'm terrible with names, it's what I call it to move the creative train along! It's basically the year the album is released, and the number of the volume it is.

Unlike my other albums, which are usually 13 tracks (some being 12 as an exception), this one is only 11 tracks. I was unable to come up with any new jams, and wanted to start work on Volume IV of Songs for Gamers. Speaking of which, I'm working on Volume IV of Songs for Gamers =p Here's a new track:

Onstro (Cosmonstropolis)

I have 17 confirmed people for this album, and would like to make it 20-25 if possible. If you're interested in a track, let me know. The sooner the better. I'm going to start with adding 3 more people, and depending on how the tracks go, I might add 5 more. It's important to note that it is extremely unlikely there will be a Volume V.

As always, I hope you enjoy something I've written. I apologize for not throwing around as many words as I usually do, but I hope my music more than makes up for that =P Thanks for reading, and listening.

Hello, friends. I wanted to write a somewhat personal blog. I used to write a fair amount of these, but I think they're all hidden at the moment (or deleted). I do not consider myself a poet, or a riddle-writer, but one day, I had one brewing inside me (could be considered a poem and a riddle). I was going through a very dark time, probably one of my darkest. It was a few weeks after Robin Williams died.

I'll be honest, I was on my way out. This poem was supposed to be my last words. I've been dealing with a negative voice in my head my entire life, telling me I should kill myself. Whenever I would find a reason not to do it, it would evolve, and flip things around until I agreed with it again. Even though I am on better medication now, I still feel the voice was right, that I should've killed myself, but back when I was 16. If I do it now, I'd be hurting too many people, but no one knew who I was back then.

I'm in a better mindset now without the voice chewing away at me. I actually look forward to the day, and I'm in good spirits overall. I don't care if it's the medicine making me feel this way, it's leagues better than how I used to feel, so I'll take it.

Right, the poem. I called it "The Riddle of Friend". It's a bit dark, but I think it's neat. I might've actually shared this already, but I wanted to share it again.



I am an object, created by man.

Designed to support, wherever I can.

I keep secrets private, or set them free.

It matters little what man thinks of me.


Open me up, and I just let go.

Fall to the ground, put on a show.

Take me off, and I can be more.

A tool most useful, in every war.


Free from my shackles, I am something to fear.

Designed to support, by making it clear.

I keep secrets private, by keeping them silent.

One end of me hurts, the other more violent.


Wrap me around, and pull on both ends.

My bark is loud, harsh warnings it sends.

Put me back on, and I can be more.

A tool most useful, behind the closed door.


It’s just you and me now, there’s no need to cry.

Come on, let me hold you, and show you why.

I keep secrets private, for I cannot speak.

I matter the most as the tears start to streak.


Wrap me around, and pull on one end.

Ignore the warnings your brain tries to send.

Take me off right before you hit the floor.

I leave you breathless, begging for more.


We’ve come to the end of the long road together.

I held you up, but there’s no getting better.

I’ll keep one more secret, for old times sake.

It’s the only choice now, and it’s yours to take.


I am an object created by man.

Designed to support, wherever I can.

Wrap me around, and secure one end.

Just lean forward, let go, my old friend.


Ignore everything this time around.

I’ll keep you up, you won’t hit the ground.

Close your eyes, and think only of me.

I’ll leave you breathless, and set you free.

If the answer isn't obvious, it's about a "Belt". During my darkest times, I would wrap one around my neck and pull on it. I never pulled too hard, I just wanted to see how it felt. I consider the belt my friend, in that it supports me, and if the time ever came that I would need an out from life, it would offer itself to me so that I can finally be free.
I didn't post this to be depressing. I just wanted to share something I don't normally do. I write music, I don't write poems/riddles. This will probably be the only one I ever write, and I thought it was worth sharing.
Again, nothing to worry about. If I die, I die. It most likely won't be suicide, based on how I've felt since mid-late September of 2014. I want to try to keep going, to see where this life takes me. I just wanted to share something other than music, possibly for the second time.
Thanks for reading.

Hello friends, I wanted to share with you the Bandcamp link to the album I had been working on since the beginning of January. I'm sure you've seen it before, but now you can download it! I highly recommend free. I encourage free. Grab it! Pay what you want? The simple act of downloading it for free is currency to me :p

Songs for Gamers Volume III

In case you do not know who I am, and what this is, I'm Alphadeus. I write music for fun. I've been doing it for a while, so I have a lot of music that I can share (over 300 original tracks not including remixes/rearrangements). These 20 tracks are the latest in a series I call "Songs for Gamers".

Songs for Gamers, originally called the Destructoid Community Album, was exactly that. I reached out to over 60 people from the various sections of Destructoid (Staff, C-blogs, Forums, Twitch channel, Front Page Comments, etc), and asked them if they wanted me to write them a theme song they can call their own. They would send me a song title, and music to use as inspiration for the track, and I would try to write something I hope they enjoy. It has worked out wonderfully. Everyone genuinely seems happy with their songs, and their love and support keep me going.

Reference: Songs for Gamers Remastered (collection of songs from Volume I and II remastered)

I suppose some of you are wondering why I would do this. The simple answer is that I love this community. The complicated, long answer, is that this community accepted me without hesitation into its wild assortment of unique and wonderful people. This was back in late 2009, although I had been browsing the site since maybe 2008. The people have always been supportive of me, even though all I do really is post very personal thoughts, and music, including piano performances and such. I wanted to give something back to the community, so I came up with this idea of writing theme music for people.

A lot has happened since the release of the first volume in 2011. I've been through a hell of a roller coaster ride, where one day I felt like I was pretty much at the end of my rope. When Robin Williams died, I almost lost my shit. No matter what has happened to me in this life, I've managed to (somewhat) keep my cool, and avoid going to the very dark place in my mind. But something about losing my "celebrity father" set me off, and if it wasn't for Tristrix, I don't know what would've happened.

A recent change in medication has allowed me to return to a somewhat normal mindset. I haven't given much thought to suicide in a few months, although if I'm going to die because of a disease or condition, that's fine. I feel I've lived a fairly long life (33 years). I didn't expect to live past 16, so technically everything I do at this point is a bonus stage.

I guess I'm being a bit too personal again, but that's just how I've always been.

Volume III is another big thank you to the community, and something I've had planned since 2012 (the release of Volume II). While it is only 20 tracks compared to the 30-35 of the first two volumes, I feel comfortable enough in releasing it, with the intent of working on a Volume IV consisting of 20-25 tracks. Will there be a Volume V? Probably not. I think 100~ songs is a good number :p

I'm very proud of these songs, as they represent growth to me. I've written music in styles I've never considered before, and I think they all came out amazing. I hope you find something you like in these songs.

Also, I have tons of other albums on Bandcamp. I recommend the 2AD14 series, as well as older albums like Walking in Circles/AD Infinitum I, and From Alpha to Omega. If you want something Nonsensical, there are 4 Nonsensical albums on the site. If you're looking for something dark/serious, I strongly recommend A Well-Known Stranger. I have tons of music in different genres, I don't even know what I'm doing. I just like to write music. And it's all free. I'm not looking for money (if I ever am in need of money, I will let you know, as I have in the past). I don't want to be rich. I just want to get through this life comfortably, preferably with a roof over my head.

I appreciate the years of support, and I love you guys. Even in my darkest moments, you guys were always there to pick me up, and now that I'm on somewhat stable ground, I want to continue to show my love, by releasing as much music as possible. Thank you.