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Life is all about perspective. No matter how bad we think things are, there is always someone worst off... so thinking of a few positive things can help to change perspective. Focusing on the positive instead of the negative is often helpful for myself (especially when dealing with negatives that have to be accepted and can't be changed).
(and I do hope you have talked to your Doctor or family members about how you are currently feeling... often there can be medical reasons for depression - you have to reach out to people who can help).
I used to suffer from epileptic seizures.
I've had brain surgery three times.
Once for a cyst.
Twice more for spinal fluid build up in my skull.
I live with a shunt inside me to prevent it from happening again
I've been hit by an SUV when i was legally crossing in a crosswalk in collage.
I'm still here. The world has done its best to take me the fuck out.
All I can say is you are still here for a purpose. Its up to you to find out what the hell it is, but the second you throw away your life, you'll never know what that was and you leave others with irreconcilable sorrow and anger.
I could sit here and mope about how shitty my life presently is, but its things like writing, creating, making people laugh, exploring ideas and just playing fucking video games that keeps me going.
Don't sit there and blame your life on Asperger's, You have a passion and you're probably just taking it for granted. Shit happens, failure happens. Its part of life. Get back up and dust youraelf off.
Fight.
For me personally, there's no point in fixating on the big things to a point where you'll just crack under the pressure. Each day at a time and make each day count in the way you want. If that means sitting in your underwear watching reruns of Batman The Animated Series for a day, then go for it.
One of those things that engrossed me in the past year is the animated film Mary & Max, which just happens to be about a man living with Asperger's and a depressive little girl corresponding by mail. Have you seen it? I don't especially recommend it to you, as you may already know too well the things that this movie tries to teach us, but there is so much love, craft and genuine passion poured into this work of art that it reassures me that life is worth living. I certainly recommend it to everyone else reading this.
Things can go wrong, bad and cruel sometimes. I just keep on going. Not because I know everything is gonna be ok, or cause I know that if I keep going something good will happen to compensate everything it's happening. It's simply cause I have faith and I'll never give up.
I just keep on going. My life was given to me for some reason and I won't give up on it ( I was going to say "I won't give up on it so easy" but that's not the point, cause even if at somepoint things get worse than I can imagine, I'll continue with it ).
I don't have any idea what's like to go through your situation, but still. Never give up, always have faith in God.
Dunno what's your positio with religion, but what I said, I said from my heart.
@Elsa: I take words literally. I have difficulty seeing the emotions. I can't read between the lines. When you say that your cats have unconditional love for you, to me, unconditional love means that they will love you regardless of what you do. I guarantee you if you decided to be mean to any one of them, there's a good chance they wouldn't love you anymore. So love is always based on conditions.
Life is all about perspective, and I can only see my own. My condition makes it difficult to understand what others are going through. I understand that we all have our programming, but I am missing a key function in order to survive in this world. I am missing the ability to connect emotionally with other people. It's not that I don't feel emotions, it's just that I don't always understand what it is I am feeling. I also never understood how thinking someone else in the world is worse off than me can possibly make me feel better, as I take it literally, and I word it as "I'm happy knowing someone else suffers more than I do". I realize that is a very popular statement, and I hear it all the time, but unfortunately it doesn't work for me.
I've come to the conclusion that all things in this world are both positive and negative. And one must be able to understand and accept both as equally as possible. As you said, it's all about perspective. Something you consider bad, someone else thinks is good. My brain works more on logic than emotions. In order for both people to be right, they have to be wrong.
All things are negative and positive. If I choose to focus more on one side, it means that I am ignoring the other side.
I am currently seeing a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist. I started seeing my Psychiatrist on October 15, 2009 for my Adult ADHD. He prescribed me medication that has since helped me focus better. Once I got used to the medication, I started paying attention. I started seeing things I never saw. I saw problems with my life, and I tried to fix them, one by one.
For almost a year, my driver-side door lock cylinder was broken. I had to open my car from the passenger side to get in. I dealt with it because I couldn't focus enough to figure out a solution. I also couldn't hold on to money because I couldn't focus on saving. After the medication, I realized the best way to fix the problem was to get a keyless entry installed so I never have to worry about lock cylinders. I thought about it long and hard. I could have just replaced the cylinder, but logically it could have happened again a few winters later.
I got better at taking care of myself, but then I realized a significant problem. I wasn't happy at work, and I wasn't safe at work. I worked in a warehouse overflowing with excess product that got stacked 2-3 high, and important fire exits were almost always blocked. I started to feel worried that I might die, and I started trying to fix the problem. In order to fix the problem, I needed the support of the management, but they weren't willing to help me. They only put just enough labor to handle incoming and outgoing freight. The situation wasn't going to be fixed, so I quit.
But the way I quit disqualified me for unemployment. I didn't go about things the "proper" way. I didn't know. I don't know what people are "supposed" to do in a situation like the one I was in. Now I'm unemployed and I can not work because as soon as I got denied unemployment, I realized the problem all along was me. I spoke to a Psychologist and have been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, as I figured it would be, because it describes everything about who I am. It describes pretty much all of my mental problems not related to ADHD, possible Fibromyalgia, and depression. Alexithymia and Asperger's go hand in hand.
I fucking hit the mental jackpot. I have almost all of the co-conditions associated with Asperger's, but I'm intelligent enough to know that I'm here. I'm broken enough not to be able to function, but I'm functional enough to know that I more than likely can't be fixed.
I try my best to fit in, but people connect with each other emotionally, and up until now, I'd pretty much been faking it. I do feel emotions, but I can't always describe them. The only way I could accept staying alive is to "pretend" I'm a robot, and try to ignore my emotions completely. But they are there, wanting to get out, screaming, threatening me that if they don't get out, I'm going to get hurt. Again, I don't know how to describe what is going on inside of me.
How can I get the help I need if I can't tell a doctor where it hurts?
@The Silent Protagonist: Technically, unless someone else intervenes or I drop dead on my own, I am only here by choice. I am trying to get the help I need, but in the meantime, I still have to deal with the pain.
It's not so much that my life is shitty. My life has always been shitty. It's that I now realize my problem is in my programming. I'm basically alone in this world, because I can't connect with other people, and people with my condition have trouble connecting with one another. I'm basically a rectangular puzzle piece that lacks the teeth to find his place in the picture.
It's not that I blame Asperger's for my problems. "blame" is an intangible concept I have difficulty understanding. But the fact is, Asperger's is a huge part of why I can't find a place to fit in. Even if this community is willing to accept who I am, no one is going to be able to connect with me unless they're willing to accept that I most likely won't return the affection.
It's kind of ironic, I think that's the word I'm looking for. That most humans have much better control of their intangible feelings, yet they're not willing to accept that a person could be emotionally disabled not by choice. They need a visual cue to trigger the sympathy response. I honestly wish I was fully autistic because then people could see it and I would get the help I need.
But no. Because I sound so fucking intelligent, and I seem to be able to handle things alright for the most part, any kind of impairment he possibly has is purely mental. If I can't see it, it doesn't fucking exist. So I am forsaken.
Fight. That's all I know how to do. I'm trying to get help. I need to communicate with people, but most people can't tolerate me because I'm too robotic or logical. I can understand why they feel that way, but it's not exactly helping my "stay alive" case. Why should I keep fighting when I manage to succeed in being so fucked up that I can't function, yet so intelligent that I look fine to anyone that talks to me? I can't win this battle. All signs point to suicide. But again, I am trying to change that outcome.
As long as I'm alive I can find things to keep myself going. Like you said, writing, creating, making people laugh, exploring ideas and just playing fucking video games. I share these same activities, and they serve their purpose.
@Static Jak: It's all about the little things. I like your way of thinking.
My problem is that the little things make up the "big picture". It's how life is formed. Little things make big things that make enormous things and so on. You can't only focus on the little things without acknowledging the possible monster they become. It's like letting King Kong do his thing because he has nice eyes. All things, big and small, need to be addressed.
I really do appreciate you guys taking the time to respond. I'm sorry if anything I said just now upset you. I'm trying to share my world with other people, but it's only proving me right, that I simply can't win.
I can't change what I am. I can try to handle it better, but it won't change the fact that I'm in an emotional wheelchair, and everyone around me wants to play basketball.
Thanks again.
There is no beauty from where I am standing in any emotion. I can't even tell the difference between them. People get emotions from looking art, all I see are the physical aspects. I'm not even sure what it is about music that makes me feel so emotional. I just love it when so many different sounds work together to create something amazing. It only seems to apply to music, and if I ever tear up during a movie, it's usually because of the song playing when the sad scene happens.
It sounds to me like either you enjoy being fucked up, or you accept it as who you are. Either case is acceptable.
@confusionbomb: To me, a gift is something a person gives to another person, or another living being gives to another living being. Logically, you cannot receive a gift from nothingness, and waking up is simply part of our routine. I take pleasure in all positive activities I partake in. The problem is not that I only see negative. The problem is that logically, I'm wasting mine and everyone elses time by trying to fit into a puzzle I wasn't designed for.
Part of my problem is not so much due to me and how I am, but how communication works. Communication is a 1-way street. I can only say one thing at a time. I can't make statements like what I hear in my head. "I love and hate my girlfriend because she gets frustrated with me and has sex with me". Which is which?
The issue is not positive and negative. I get enjoyment out of certain things, and I pursue those things to keep me happy. But at the same time, there are things I wish I could have that seem out of reach. I want to be connected to people. I want to see the world the way they do.
Positive and negative are subjective. If you wanted my honest opinion, if I had to say what I currently felt, I would tell you that committing suicide would be a positive way to handle my situation, because it eliminates ALL of my problems in one shot. I understand it would hurt a lot of people, but just as I have been hurt by the people that left me (me and my siblings feel that our father killed himself intentionally by not taking his insulin or treating his infection), I adapt.
People are designed to survive. No matter how much it hurts, we take it in, and keep moving forward until it is our time. I have the survival instinct. If I see a car coming towards me that can't stop, I'm going to jump out of the way. As much as I want to die, I want to live. I want to find my place in this world, but it's hard. It shouldn't be this hard. I shouldn't have the thought processes that I do.
@DoctorTabarnac: So you are happy watching other people be happy? That is a fine way of thinking. Part of why I survived my father essentially killing himself is because I knew someone at the time that was always happy, and I enjoyed watching it. That person later became my girlfriend.
I have not seen Mary and Max, but I will look out for it. I recently saw "Mozart and the Whale" which is about a man and a woman with Asperger's trying to be a couple. It was interesting to watch because I saw traits in both of them that I could associate with, even though I felt they were a bit exaggerated. Then again, I don't know anyone with a worse case than me. I can't even imagine what kind of things they deal with.
I like to create music. I'm not too concerned about whether people listen to it or not, but I just like doing it. It's interesting because at first, only I can hear the music in my head, and then I reach in without anything physically moving, and pull it out and translate it into something everyone else can hear.
@Vigilante8: "God" is intangible, and as such, I have difficulty comprehending it.
However, the way I think of it is, life starts small, then it grows, evolves, connects with similar cells, forms a physical object, either simple or with complex systems that generate what we call life. The non-living form materials that make up the planet itself, and then the solar system, the other galaxies and ultimate the universe. And that's about all we can comprehend. There could just as easily be more. I believe that God is to the Universe as we are to our own bodies. We are the consciousness of countless tiny cells that make up our bodies.
Little things make big things, and they all have a purpose. They are all designed to perform a function.
It applies to almost every aspect of life. People form bonds with family, friends, and so on. They join together using invisible ropes that make them one being, in a sense. Everything can be summed up. My family is the Satchell family (being simple, it is ultimately many families with different last names and origins). We lived in Brooklyn, NY which is full of people joined together as one Borough. Then you get 5 boroughs, New York state, The United States, The entire human population.
I'm trying to keep it simple. There are tons of other associations between people. Whether emotional or if they share a common interest. All living things, animals included, are designed to form groups, either physical or what have you.
Anyway, back to the point I was trying to make about what God means to me. God is to the universe as we are Gods to our systems and groups. You can't tell me you know exactly what is going on at all times in your body, can you? What about the cancer hidden somewhere in your body? You have no clue what the individual cells are doing in your body. You don't know until it makes you sick and you try to get help. But you can't solve your own problem. It took many years for people to work out what causes what in people, and even now we don't have all the answers.
Science and medicine have come a long way, and people are living longer, healthier lives. But it could always happen. It's possible that Vaccines are what caused Autism in some people. Do I believe this? I do not have enough data to form an opinion. It seems possible based on what I know. From what I know about vaccines, they inject a dead or weaker version of a disease that your body uses to learn how to fight it. But what actually happens? We can't see what's going on with the disease.
Perhaps a weakened version is strong enough to cause damage before it is killed. Maybe it fucks up the brain, perhaps? Now let's use a human example. How would society react if all of a sudden, it started raining dead bodies? A lot of people would be traumatized, maybe not want to fight, maybe they end up fighting too hard as a reaction and they themselves attack the brain. I'm not a doctor, and what I say is my own opinion.
The fact is, we simply do not know. In order for us to exist the way that we do, large but unaware of all the tiny cells individual lives, in order for "God" to exist in any manner, and for us to be "in his image", he would need to be the same way. Maybe our "God" is just the ground we walk on, and we're nothing more than bacteria making him sick? I don't know, just throwing it out there.
All I'm saying is I can't put my faith in something I cannot see. And that right there causes most people to ignore me, and forsake me, and leave me for dead.
I've thought about this. A LOT. Way more than any single person should have to think about anything. I've run countless simulations, experiments, theories, etc. The general opinion right now is that I cannot be fixed. I cannot fit in, and logically, I should quit before I take others down with me.
But again, I want to be helped. I just don't know how to get it.
As far as how God affects other people, I'm glad it exists. It seems to bring a lot of comfort to those that need it. I just wish people could accept that if there is a god, there's a god in every society. There's a higher power, a higher purpose, in everything. People are free to believe what they want, but the problem I have with people is that they choose to only see what they see and are not willing to accept any other possibility.
I am flawed, in that I can only see what I see, yet I try to be as open-minded as possible. I just can't win.
I can't even imagine how long this comment is.
Thank you all. I'm actually feeling a lot better. I hope I didn't say something to make someone else feel worse.
Altruism is another factor in why I am still here. I feel that no matter how much I suffer, maybe something I do or say can affect other people positively. Maybe I'm the difference between a bright day and a dark afternoon.
The longer I exist though, the more data I have to analyze. It's getting overwhelming. I can't even focus on other things because I need to sort all the new data. When I hear a personal story, I immediately begin breaking it down. I strip away the people involved (nothing personal, just how I process) and it becomes a series of events, processes, and results. So now I have processed data that could help me if I ever come across a similar situation.
I don't like to describe how my brain processes things, because it takes the person out of the story. The emotion is stripped away, and if it ever happened to me, and I told a similar story, it would sound robotic.
Asperger's pretty much affects everything I do or say. It is the filter before and after data is processed. I am trying to tell a story with my album "Walking in Circles" about a man named Alphadeus. He wears a visor that makes it difficult to see what is in front of him, but the visor is also a computer that can show him data and images on command. It only records the physical aspect of things, as opposed to emotional.
One time I was eating dinner with my girlfriend and her family, and all of a sudden the mother starts coughing and choking on her food. My first instinct, and the one I followed, was to run out of the room. The reason I ran is because I didn't know how to help her, and thankfully someone else did. I ran out of the room because I had no experience in that situation, and in the split-second it took me to run, I had already logically said that my physical presence might hinder others in being able to save her. My girlfriend called me a coward at the time, but I explained to her what was going through my head when I saw all that, and she understands now.
That's why I collect data. I need to be prepared in case anything happens. That's all life is to me. Data. Cause and Effect. Occasional, inconsistent pleasure. Uncontrollable, consistent pains, physically and mentally.
I just needed to hear other people talk, so I could process their data and add it to mine. It helps me get through these urges to take my own life. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to share with me their answers.
When you made the question I just answered it without much thinking. Not beacuse I was lazy to write something too long, it was beacause of your question.
I made that same question many times and people close to me made it too ( to me ).
Sometimes things without answers bug me so much that it can ruin my day, but when it comes to this...to why should I keep going...why do I need to keep going...if it's worth or something like this...the only answer ends up being faith.
I can't truly understand something, I may not even be able too explain it...but I try to just have faith and go on with anything I can... the old "do your best the best way you can"...
What I know is that I CAN give up, but I don't want to. I'll keep on going until the end trying my best and being myself even if the "myself" part is awkward...I'll just keep on going and have faith for what's next.
that's all
I've got literally gallons upon gallons upon gallons of ideas in my head, and I just can't rest with all of them in there. Once I get them out in physical media, whether it be video games (number one choice), TV, movies, music, or books, even if they all suck, until I get each and every one of them out, I don't think my subconscious will let me quit.
I don't know what happened to me. I used to have faith. I used to believe in god simply because everyone else did.
I also used to bang my head against the wall and find other ways to abuse myself, because I couldn't understand these feelings in my head, and knowing things exist that I cannot process really upsets me.
It was really bad in my childhood. We had quite a few cats in a small apartment (due to not realizing the 3rd cat we got was male.. had 2 females, although 1 never had kittens). We had about 10-12 cats at any given time. I used to play wrestle with the cats and let them scratch me (I never tortured animals, if they ever yelped or looked hurt I immediately stopped and let them go). My arms were covered in cat scratches for months (possibly years). It raised a lot of flags with school. They thought I was being abused.
In a way, I was, except I was abusing myself. I intentionally caused myself pain because I was so angry and frustrated over certain things, like not fitting in or being able to talk to people. I was teased because I was so uncomfortable in my own body, that I couldn't shower often, and I never cut my nails. I let them "grow until they broke off". I wore the same clothing for weeks at a time.
It's not just mental, although in my case, it seems to be my brain overreacting to normal stimuli. My skin is extremely sensitive to the point where I am almost never comfortable simply being alive. I feel every keystroke and I have to constantly rub my fingers when they feel grimey, or if I'm eating something with crumbs, I can feel all the little crumbs. If there's a tiny little piece of anything in my shoe, I can feel it.
Even if I "fix" my mentality, I'll always be uncomfortable. There aren't too many treatments for what I understand to be Fibromyalgia. I'm going to get tested once I have enough money to afford it.
I mean that's all there is to it. I'm a real winner. I want to give up, but I can't. I need someone to tell me it's OK. Someone with the authority to say it's OK for someone in my condition to kill oneself. The fact is, it's not OK to want to die. I accept that, but it's becoming the only thing I want the more I suffer.
@Daxelman: I'm somewhat similar. I have so much music I want to write that I don't know where to begin. That's why I do Piano Journals, which are basically me "brainstorming music". I guess my thing is I don't really concern myself with whether they manifest themselves in some kind of media. It's just something I feel the overwhelming urge to do.
Thank you for sharing. If you're ever interested in sharing, I would like to hear of your ideas, whether they become a game, or any form of media. I like seeing what other people can do.
It's ok beacause you CAN. You have free will. You can choose to do it.
It's not ok because you'll be choosing something that not only can me called a crime against yourself but also a waste.
Into the eyes of my religion suicide is wrong.
Into the eyes of other religions it can be called sacrifice and you can end up being rewarded for it.
Don't get me wrong about it...I'm against it and I think you should never do it.
But why?
Imagine if you sometime from now end up finding THE reason to continue? You'll at sometime also looking back at those moments when everything you could think of to bring you some kind of "peace" or "resolution" is death.... Imagine you saying "....thank God I didn't stoped there..."
The fact is; If you choose to die and do it, than you'll know for SURE you wont know if there's some kind of reason to keep on going.
Never give up..... if death is you solution for life,even if we're talking about a difficult one, so why not keep on going until the end and let your life runs out naturaly?
If at the end of it everything continues the same as now, than death will come sooner or later
You're alive. The time that was given to you is precious...find someway to use it and something to believe when it runs out.
You don't know if you'll need it someday
Also, Enkido you are BADASS!!
My only true advice to you is that you shouldn't give up trying. Even if it seems pointless, especially when it seems pointless, you have to just keep going. As Vigilante8 pointed out, suicide for any reason is a waste. Being agnostic I'm not entirely sold on the idea of an afterlife so I figure if this is the only shot I get then I'd better make the most of it.
You have a rather analytical mind and while you seem to think it puts you at a disadvantage you actually have a rather unique opportunity to be able to study things far more objectively than most of us could ever hope to.
Your writing is very smooth and easy to read. I learned back in college that the majority of people just can't write well, so you are already ahead of so many others just in being able to detail your observations.
Find something that fascinates you and pour yourself into it until you feel like you can function again. Keeping busy and learning new things can do wonders for clearing your head and making things easier to deal with.
Best of luck to you.
I don't think I have anymore long posts for tonight. I'm recovering from my inner conflict that started before I posted this blog (and was why I posted it, I needed something to distract me, as well as collect information). It amazes me that a problem with the mind can affect the body the way it does. I actually couldn't stand up because I kept losing my balance. I have a bad headache now.
@CelicaCrazed: I live to see tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes. As soon as I think it is tomorrow, it is still only today. Just saying the first thing that came to mind :P
@Zodiac Eclipse: I'm trying not to think about giving up, it's just that I've thought about it a lot, and it seems like the best choice for me based on current conditions. My main problem is money, honestly. I'm not making any money because I can't work. I'm trying to look into disability because I genuinely can't handle being around people.
I've quit so many jobs simply because of people. I love working, but unless you put me in a room with no other person, no supervision whatsoever, and no communication other than mailing me a check or direct deposit, I will eventually be unable to perform the job because I will be obsessed with how people are treated around me. Most of my jobs only lasted a few months.
My analytical mind is useless. I can only use it to research topics I am interested in, and I'm usually interested in specific things like Guitar Hero, Yu-Gi-Oh, and other hobbies. The thing is, I really don't have an interest in s lot of things people like.
I don't follow sports. I don't follow politics. I don't study religion. I rarely read news other than gaming or technology. To be honest, it's easier to say that currently I'm only interested in playing piano as a hobby, Rock Band, and Dragon Age/Titan's Quest for the time being. I'm also interested in Asperger's, but for the time being, I think I learned all I could know about it, and I'm starting to get sick of thinking about it.
At the very least, it should stop me crying about it over time.
I was talking to my girlfriend before I started responding to this blog. I told her what I felt. The fact is you could put me in the center of a room filled with people interested in me, wanting to get to know me, and I'd feel like the loneliest man on the planet. I just can't connect on an emotional level, and even with my girlfriend, it's more of a physical thing and she is OK with it after years of talking about it.
Thanks again for your responses. I think once things start falling into place, I'll be able to at least cope. The bankruptcy process is being started by a nice attorney willing to do it pro-bono, and I just need to hear back about disability.
Smoking a cigarette while people watching and listening to Talking Heads.
The way the cold air smells on a clear night.
Greek food.
Helping my girlfriend beat Lost Odyssey.
Staring down hipsters on the college campus I work at.
The look on middle-aged womens' faces after I quote Fried Green Tomatoes to them.
Golden Girls reruns.
Watching my cat sleep on her back with her paws curled up in front of her.
Plenty more for sure but you get the idea. Now lord knows some or all of these don't apply to you but I hope you can find some little things in your life that help. Feel better.
Indeed the little things are a huge part of why I stick around. I mean I don't want to kill myself. It's just that it makes the most sense based on current conditions. I really hope things get better.
You can do it at home just with you PC, no human contact at all
Requires deep and cold analysis of market situations
It can be applied to almost any area that you want.
If you do it right, it can be profitable.
Silly to think about it, but you can do it with games if you want. Companies stocks come and go all the time with the floating of news, releases, sales, reviews, audiences...
It's just an example ( probably a bad one ) but if you have something that gives you trouble to get a "normal" job, try the "special" jobs...
Got to keep trying!
What kept me going?
A family (both my parents and my wife) that love me and encouraged me during that time.
My religion, the social, spiritual, and philosophical elements of it.
Gaming, quite honestly, helped me out allot. Not the long half-a-day down the drain sessions, but gaming in moderation. It game me both entertainment and a sense of accomplishment when I was not getting allot of it.
A realization that the world just does not make sense from where we as humans are now, that things like fairness and justice only happen rarely in this world. It might seem strange that this is a help, but when I stopped expecting this I felt better. I never stopped hoping for these things, I only stopped expecting them.
A similar realization that all things change. While some things endure other things will change especially if we put forth effort to change it or change the way we look at or deal with it.
And like so many have stated, the little things that made me happy.
@NateT: Thank you. Yours is a very well-rounded answer.
I think my problem is inconsistencies in the data I gather from humans. Part of the reason I think I have trouble understanding emotions is because it is different things to different people. If I ask 5 people what love means to them, I'll more than likely get 5 different answers.
And as you said, things like justice seem to rarely happen, and sometimes people get judged by mistake due to perception.
I hate thinking of my existence as a computer, but it's the best way to describe me. When I was a kid, I never said a word to anyone, and if I did, it was usually repeating what they or someone said at the time. After a while, I collected more or less enough statements I heard from people in real life and on TV, that I started talking more.
I don't really look at individual words. I gather sentences that people say or type, and they become my voice, whether whole or in fragments. That could be a reason as to why I'm good with words, although I try my hardest to keep it simple.
I try to read articles on certain things every now and then, and they use a lot of big words. I'm constantly having to stop and try to learn the definition of these words. Then when I get to the definition, I'm like "well why didn't they just use the simpler word?". I understand the concept of people using big words to sound smart, but it seems to me that it only makes things harder for some people to read and accept the message.
Not sure where I'm going with this, but that is part of the point. I can't recall data without a reason. Your responses both help me collect data, and use it to either reinforce or change incorrect data. Thank you all for being understanding.
Tomorrow never comes if you sit around waiting for it to come to you. It just doesn't happen. You need to get up and go find it yourself. You need to keep walking because tomorrow isn't here.
Today is the here and now. Tomorrow is hope, and yesterday is remembrance.
Anything you plan in life for tomorrow, eventually happens today. Whether you physically move or not.
Again, I'm taking everything you say literally. Sorry. I understand you mean that I should live for tomorrow in the sense that I should do proactive things today for a better tomorrow, and/or the tomorrow I want to come. I get that, but at the same time, when I think about a better tomorrow, and I try to be proactive, that tomorrow never seems to come because I'm always hoping for it.
Which is why I used the logical statement that tomorrow never comes, regardless of action. Even if you get your "tomorrow", it is human nature to move up to the next "tomorrow", and it never ends. No one ever really stops and appreciates the Now.
I talk a lot, but ultimately I'm just doing what I do best. Everyone has this magical ability to read between the lines and see words I don't see. All I see are the words put in front of me.
Us people are fascinating. We have the power to use our hands to take our own lives. At any moment we can decide to just end it all. But we also have the power to use our hands to build a better life. Life can be pretty fucking scary at times. It is easier to just hide in our comfort zone and try to get by with what we have. That is not what living is meant to be though, that is not living your life. That is existing, just like a rock does. We don't have to always sit out in the rain if we don't want to.
Your life is like a house that you build brick by brick. Don't like how the wall turned out? Tear it down and try it again. Don't really know how to do the electrical work? Ask someone for help. Things don't change over night and they're not supposed to be easy, no matter how much we wish they were. It takes a lifetime to complete and only you can judge whether your satisfied with what you've built in the end.
Things go through my head nonstop as long as I'm awake. It's hard to actually get to sleep because a lot of my thinking is out of my control. I get these images and sounds in my head that don't make sense. Sometimes I hear music, whether mine or someone else, and even music I've yet to write.
When I try to quiet the music and my inner voice, I hear random sounds and voices. Sometimes I hear people talking in a muffled voice. Maybe I'll hear the sound of traffic even when there are no cars on the street. I'm constantly bombarded with sounds, images and music that I have trouble making sense of it all. I don't know where it comes from, it's always been there.
Sometimes I'll feel the urge to say something in a conversation, and as I say it, a person I'm talking to says it at the same time, then they look at me funny. I don't know if I'm predicting their response or what, but that's just an example of the weirdness that is my life.
The house around me builds itself for the most part. There are a lot of pre-built walls and barricades that I don't know to remove. I'm also missing supplies. I can build a house that is stable, but it won't have furnishings because those are emotional purchases. Any furniture in my house will be out of necessity. A chair to sit, a table to eat, and a bed to sleep.
This is what I do with my time. Piano Journals (2010). I play piano. I don't play songs other people wrote unless I'm trying to learn. I just sit, and play the first thing that comes to mind. I can do this indefinitely. It doesn't always sound good, but a lot of what I play just pours out of me.
Listening to today, 03-21-10, I think defines me pretty well. This is all I want to do. I want to play piano. Everything else is secondary. I just want to sit at a piano and play for the rest of my life.