Left 4 Dead's recent release has stirred some memories in my head regarding an absolute fate that I am nearly positive will be occurring relatively soon: the Zombie Apocalypse.

Oh yes, it is coming, and when the unfortunate event does come about I plan on being prepared. In one of my less well thought out purchases, I picked up this alluring book-- arguably the most flippant 11 dollars I've ever spent, but an interesting read none-the-less.

Perhaps it is my childhood memories of creating a fort and fending off intruders that causes me such a readiness to run for the hills and construct an impenetrable castle armed to the teeth with bullets and obscenely massive firearms.

In case you were wondering, here is what my chateau(s) du cataclysm will be like. (All of this assumes that I someday make it big with my rotating-barka-dog-lounge chair and become grotesquely rich).

1: Orient primary location of residence along the shore with a high cliff at its back, and at least 10 ft. high walls surrounding the premises.

2: Have a secret underground passageway leading below the manor, to an outdoor dock accessible only from the passage. Allow no one to ever enter from this entrance other than the two compatriots whom I have

3: Hired to watch my back and pilot my sea-borne vessel. This vessel will have the capability of running on sun energy as well as wind. One of my hired hands will be trained in all methods of seaward navigation. The other, trained in medicine and alternative survival techniques. Favorably, both will have been spec ops, and each of their names contain either "Bear," "Les," "Rasputin," or any combination of the 3.

4: Once aboard this vessel, enjoy a leisurely cruise to the farthest northern reaches of the planet where I have also

5: Built a castle, with equally high walls as the first house, and enough provisions to last 6 months for 40 people. The construct will contain a greenhouse and run off of green technology in case the stay becomes longer than anticipated (oh, and there are weapons beyond anything I can imagine contained within the complex). Hopefully, the naturally harsh conditions will deter any of the walking dead from ever finding us, and if they do, they will be significantly slowed by the booby trapping precautions I have taken years in advance.

So there.

I currently have 5 dollars stashed away in my ZA fund (the bank didn't find Zombie Apocalypse too entertaining). Any significant contributions to the fund will ensure you a spot on the ship for a complimentary cruise to safety. If you fell that I am missing anything, throw me a comment. You can never be too prepared.

Checks made payable to
-Alocide