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AlmostApollo avatar 9:01 PM on 02.21.2012
Character Guide: Mass Effect Series

With Mass Effect 3 coming out soon and me having just finished Mass Effect 2, I thought I would write a piece on the important characters of Mass Effect to remind people who they were. The following descriptions are my perception of the characters and may or may not be factual.

Saren Arterius:



Essentially the “big bad” of the first game, Saren is a rogue SPECTRE who is working for the Reapers. If you really dig hard enough through the codex, you’ll find out why. Which is, of course, that he’s gay for Sovereign. Saren is a well-known nihilist and is always looking for a man who can give him everything he’s ever wanted: nothing.

Kaiden Alenko:



Play KotoR? He’s Carth.

Ashley Williams:



Ashley Williams is well-known for two things: being named after Bruce Campbell’s character in the Evil Dead and being a space-racist. One makes up for the other, though, so I won’t judge. Towards the end of the first game, Shepard is forced to choose who is killed, Kaiden or Ashley. He loses either way.

Garrus Vakarian:



Ex-cop. Awesome eye-patch/DBZ-scouter. He probably knows what a TV dinner feels like. And I’ll bet he takes down people who could talk about industrialization and men’s fashion all day for breakfast. What I’m saying is that he’s John McClane: Space Edition. You should have caught that already.

Tali’Zorah nar Rayya:



She’s probably pretty hot under that uniform, huh? *blush*

Liara T’Soni:



She’s a sassy blue lady. She’s really sympathetic towards Shepard. If you know what I mean.

Urdnot Wrex:



Shepard.

David Anderson:



More like KEITH David Anderson.

Donnel Udina:



Donnel Udina is widely known throughout the galaxy for his “smile that pierces the galaxy.” His sheer intense joy causes love and emotion to take over for a radius of hundreds of millions of miles.

Jeff “Joker” Moreau:



Sticks and stones may break his bones, but so does everything else.

Jack:



She’s pretty much the Weapon X of the Mass Effect Universe. Covered in tattoos. Hawt.

Grunt:



A test-tube baby, meant to be the perfect Krogan. The way he says, “Shepard,” is second to none. Except Wrex. It’s second to Wrex.

Miranda Lawson:



What an ass. *cough*

Jacob Taylor:



He had Miranda first. I’ll never forgive him for that. What an ass, in a completely different way.

Mordin Solus:



He is the very model of a scientist Salarian. Also, one of the most avid supporters of birth control in the Universe.

Legion:



HK-47, but less cool. That’s right, I said it. Deal.

Samara:



Samara is probably a pretty interesting character. She wouldn’t let me have space-sex with her, though, so I wouldn’t know.

Thane Krios:



Those double eye-lids are DOPE. Oh, and he’s pretty good at killing people. And he’s going to die soon. Or something.

Zaeed Massani:



A face only a mother could love and a personality that even she couldn’t. If badass facial scars are your thing, though, you could do worse.

Kelly Chambers:



Kelly feeds your fish. You can also feed her fish. Know what I’m sayin’? Eh? Eh?

The Illusive Man:



The Illusive Man is literally the only character cool enough for male Shepard to be gay with. Bioware should make it happen. Those eyes. I just want to stare into those eyes…

And that will do it! Now you know everything you know about the characters in Mass Effect! Now you can jump straight into 3 and not even worry that you’re missing out.

Those eyes…

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