Welcome to the Xbox One troubleshooting guide! As the title suggests, this guide is being distributed due to some of the slight performance issues experienced by a small percentage of new Xbox One owners in the hopes that most of these can be solved by the end user without having to return the console to the retailer where it was purchased for an exchange. Due to the limited supply of Xbox One consoles in circulation, we understand that this could potentially lead to a frustrating experience for our customers who pre-ordered the console, and so we here at Microsoft want to do everything we can to prevent future dissatisfaction with our console.
A small percentage of new Xbox One owners have reported a degree of pixellation, distortion, and fragmentation of the image produced on screen by the Xbox One system. There are varying levels of this problem occurring among those who have run into this unfortunate problem, but we have found that many of them will disappear entirely if the HDMI cable the system came with is replaced with a suitable substitute. We will be planning to ship out new HDMI cables to people experiencing this problem in mid February, and there will soon be a replacement request form available on our main website, www.xbox.com
Some users are experiencing isolated fits of vomiting and nausea when playing the Xbox One. This is most likely due to the extreme fluidity with which full, 360 degree motion is portrayed as a result of our high definition graphics processors. A small percentage of users who are experiencing sickness as a result of the Xbox One may want to consult their doctor, however, and request a bottle of potassium iodide if they wish to continue use of the Xbox One. Due to the High Fidelity Shadow and Lighting engine contained within the hardware of the system itself, a small, non-lethal amount of radiation has been reported as emanating from the interior of the system. Microsoft will be sending out a Hazmat Brochure Package to the emails of all current Xbox Live subscribers, which can be traded in for fifty percent off of a high density hazmat suit for those still experiencing difficulties in the future.
A very small percentage of our user base has reported to us that their Xbox One Premium Silver Ultimate Package did not contain an Xbox One system at all, but rather an inter-dimensional tear in the space-time continuum which immediately began to absorb all matter within its immediate proximity into its nucleus upon opening the box. If this is the case, do not be alarmed; this is an isolated issue that has occured do to rough handling during shipping. The thousand hateful trumpets playing in terrifying harmony are a side effect of the dimensional rift, which is merely a gateway to the end of space and time, home of Azathoth The Nuclear Chaos, Father of Nyrlathotep The Goat With A Thousand Young. Please resist any compulsion to to engage in a ritual bloodletting to appease the Elder Gods, and immediately call our customer service hotline for further instruction/preventative incantation.
THE DISC DRIVE IS SPEWING OUT HUNDREDS UPON HUNDREDS OF MAGGOTS
We are not exactly sure why this is occuring, but we recommend that until a further solution can be relayed to you that you isolate play of the Xbox One system to graveyards, cellars, and compost bins.
MY MOTHER WON'T LOOK ME IN THE EYE
Your family has abandoned you. You tried to give your sister a hug and were met with a cold, listless stare. Your father spends his days carving faceless idols from bits of his old computer desk, his fingers a mess of bloody nubs as he claws away furiously, whispering something in tongues. On television, every channel has now been replaced with a single, red, pulsating snakes eyes. Your children sit motionless in the corner of the room, and your uncle laughs madly and throws fecal matter at your Chrysler whenever you drive by his house. Your mother chants in hateful slur in your yard at midnight, and burns an effigy of her own soiled lingerie shaped like a pentagram, while raising a phallic symbol high in the air as she shouts chaotically at the blood red, full moon. This is an issue entirely unrelated to the Xbox One, and if this is something you are experiencing, it is an entirely coincidental side effect to your purchase of the new Xbox game console.
Thieves. There are thieves, everywhere, and they have somehow managed to penetrate the walls of your Xbox One system box, and have pilfered your controller. They are on their way to your house now, and your family is no longer safe. You must return your Xbox One to your nearest retailer immediately and exchange it for an available fire arm; preparations for your future safety rely on it. Stockpile soap, fuel, and dried grains. Mans longest winter is about to arrive.
Thank you for your patience. We hope this troubleshooting guide will be of use to you in the dark, apocalyptic times ahead. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtag.