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Alder B Dash's Profile - Destructoid




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About
First of all, I’m a guy.

I love video games, obviously. I also like long walks on the beach, stopping to smell the roses, and watching anything from deep and meaningful to childishly stupid and comical. And despite popular belief I expect dinner and a movie first before we start discussing what safety words I’ll need to use. I also enjoy a bit of manga and anime.

With a loving family, yet little parental supervision, I grew up watching tv shows and movies I most likely shouldn't have giving me a nearly unfiltered since of humor.

I don't facebook. I don't twitter. If there is some other face-twit thing out there and you are curious to know if I may be on that, the answer in no. I know, I know, you’re disappointed. I get that. It's just something that isn't going to change.
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Oh, umm... Hey there Destructoid.


I… I didn’t see you there. This isn’t what it looks like. This… is… for… A ROLE! Yes! Hollywood is thinking of doing a What Women Want reboot and before I audition for the part I’m trying to get into the same frame of mind as a woman like Mel Gibson did in that one scene from the movie.

Well I’m glad you’re here because there is something I’ve been meaning to talk about. Now it seems there has been a bit of a trend lately of new people signing up on Destructoid, writing some blogs, and not introducing themselves. What kind of an ass joins a community of people, starts throwing up a bunch of words in people’s faces, and doesn’t have the common courtesy to say hi and let others learn a little about them?

Apparently, I’m one of those asses!



Now I don’t like to toot my own horn. That’s what I pay a random stranger from Craigslist to do. However, if people would like to learn a little about myself then who am I to deny the public what they want?

I’m in my mid-twenties and just so happen to have been born the same day as Danny DeVito. Some of you reading may be asking yourselves, “Who gives a shit about Danny DeVito”? Oh, give a shit you should. Give a lot of shits you should. Because, he just so happens to be on one of my favorite comedy shows, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. It’s a show about awful, awful people and I love them all.


I highly recommend it.


I’m just a couple hours’ drive from Dtoid San Francisco. Sadly, I will not be going to PAX. I found Destructoid thanks to Jim Sterling when he started his Jimquisition videos over on The Escapist back in 2011 and occasionally browsed the articles here for a while, however, never bothered reading the comments or C-blogs. It is an understatement calling that a huge fucking mistake. Come for the articles, stay for the comments/community.

I think it wasn’t until the Medal of Honor news broke that I burst onto the scene and made my first comment on Destructoid. When I noticed people were up-voting that joke I started taking a look at the other comments and realized Destructoid is why cavemen chiseled on walls. Everything throughout humanity’s time on earth was merely leading up to Destructoid. I don’t think science can prove that wrong, but then who would want to?


My first gaming device was the classic NES.


At my young age I knew walking out of the Toys "R" Us with this giant box was something good, but I didn't fully comprehend just what a big deal it was until my parents set it up and I got to play Super Mario, Duck Hunt, and Golf. My favorite games as a child during that time were Battletoads, Contra, Double Dragon, Mega Man 3, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: The Manhattan Project.


That shit was my childhood crack.


I also had that brick sized GameBoy and while I didn’t have many games for it at the time I just so happen to have had The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening.



It was the game that popped my Zelda cherry and I forever love those games because of it. I thought for as long as I had played it my Game Boy would have died, yet surprisingly it never did even after the Game Boy Color was released. Remember everybody loosing their shit over that?! OMFG! Game Boy… IN COLOR!? What wizardry is this, Nintendo?!


I owned the turquoise one.


I was also an avid collector of videogame magazines. I couldn’t own them all, but I owned a shit ton of them. I owned videogame magazines such as, Game Pro, Tips & Tricks, and Nintendo Power. Sadly, they all had to go because one day my family thought I was being a hoarder and demanded I free up some space on my bookshelves. Dicks.

Well that's a little about me, Destructoid. If any other n00b C-bloggers read this and didn't post an intro blog then you should do one as well before I pull out my giant icy penis and coldcock the lot of you.


Don't think I won't do it.
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Friends, gamers, Destructoid community, lend me your eyeballs. I’d like to tell you I’m having a good day and this blog is sunshine and lollipop chainsaws, but Lollipop Chainsaw’s are part of the problem. I am so ANGRY that I could use caps to describe the emotions I’m feeling right now, which is good because I just did.



Some of you may be wondering out there, “Alder B Dash, what’s wrong? You’re usually so cheerful. What’s got your ladies underwear in such a twist”?

First of all, who told you about the ladies underwear?

You know what? Moving on…

Folks, I don’t have kids, as far as I know, but I’m constantly reminded I have the equipment capable of helping produce offspring every time I watch a documentary about some female high school student in her late 20’s failing in our public school system and looking to pick her grades up by sucking the venom out of her teacher’s snake bitten genitals. That girl is a hero and deserves an A+, because that thing was swollen as hell.

That’s why when I found out that parents are upset at the violent video games kids are playing these days I said, “I could be a parent someday so why not get angry now”?

And what spurred this anger? What reignited the outrage? Apparently Bioshock Infinite, however, I wanted to thrust deeper into the root of the matter until it feels my balls slapping against it from behind.



When the Sandy Hook shooting occurred there were a lot of victims in the tragedy and a lot of emotions were cranked up to 11/10. Now these “logical” people out there will tell you the problem was easy access to weapons that fire 30 rounds in just a few seconds, but that’s bullshit. The truth is all these violent video games are the problem.

The Norway killer wrote in a manifesto that he trained for his shooting spree killing over 70 people by playing video games. Now if you’re an individual worried about the violence in video games then obviously the message here is video games are brainwashing our children into becoming deranged and blood thirsty psychopaths. They are correct to think so. I know because I’ve seen it happen.



Now if you’re part of the “logic” crowed then you’re probably saying, “Alder B Dash, that’s not enough evidence to support your claim. Clearly that was premeditated and he merely didn’t use a product for its intended purpose. Also, that’s just a movie”. GET OUT! You click that little red box with the x at the upper right corner and just get the fuck out!

Early this year Asst. Clinical Prof. of Havard Medical School and Roy Brocksmith lookalike, William Pollack, went on television to discuss how violent video games have spurred this increase in mass shootings and present his evidence. There’s just one problem. He didn’t have any evidence and went on to say that it doesn't. Apparently, he claims he couldn’t find a connection between violence in real life and violence in video games.



This is really troubling people, because the more we claim that video games are brainwashing our children the more people research. And the more people investigate the less evidence there is to prove it. And with less and less to prove that we’re not being irrational the more we just look like a bunch of uninformed cocks for saying that violent video games is the problem.

So the obvious thing to do is stop looking into video games while continuing to blame video games. Because the real scary thing about all this folks, the most terrifying takeaway, is that without being able to blame the video games industry for making violent video games with situations like these both parents and the media will lose out on one of their most popular excuses to help shift the blame when a child, maybe even their own, goes on a rampage.



I mean, what are parents supposed to do? Spend time getting to know their kids? Be more involved and notice when they’re having difficulties in their life and/or homicidal thoughts?



I think I speak for parents everywhere when I say, fuck that!

Please good people here on Destructoid, help put a stop to "facts" and violence in video games and protect excuses before the media stops shining its light on video games and starts looking at the parents.

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It came to my attention that while Dead Space 3 was listed as the top dog in sales it is, however, doing less than stellar compared to Dead Space 2. So to correct this injustice I've taken the liberty of throwing EA a bone in hopes to drum up sales and show you people just how amazing Dead Space 3 really is. And what better way than to tell you its incredible story that will no doubt urge you all to buy not just one copy, but all the copies.



After the woman he risked his life to save abandons him to go on a quest he inevitably gets dragged into, Isaac is back to help put an end to the Markers chaos once and for all. Told his ex-girlfriend has gone missing as everything starts going to hell around him, Isaac will once again become the hero this series demands him to be, whether he likes it or not, as the players asks themselves, “How did Carver sneak into Isaac’s apartment without Isaac noticing when the sound from the only way inside clearly grabs his attention before it’s even finished opening”?



Join those that held their breath as they watched Isaac put his helmet on to protect him from the vacuum of space IN SPACE.



Meet the eldest of the group as nobody tosses him a Med Pack when clearly he’s in dire need of medical attention.



Witness Isaac, the engineer, piloting the CMS Crozier instead of Ellie, the Class IV Heavy Equipment Pilot, when it comes time to fly down to Tau Volantis, and it crashes.



See Buckell’s final moments 3 times the length (40 seconds) of any face to face conversation Isaac has with him. Which isn’t saying much considering he only talks to him in person twice, because the game doesn’t need an old engineer trying to steal the spotlight who was once in a secret Marker Ops program nobody has ever heard of as he bleeds to death when it already has a younger and more experienced engineer who downloaded information of the Markers into his brain by jamming a needle into his eye.



I hope he didn’t get tetanus from that.

Engross yourself in the budding bromance between Isaac and Carver.



Get to know Santos as she fills the vital role for most of the game as being the one person who actually reads books in a totally digital future.



Pretend to be surprised when it’s discovered the cowardly douchebag of a captain who bitches about being asked to perform the most simplest of tasks, like flipping a switch, has betrayed everyone by informing the psychopath who just wiped out an entire planet’s government and moon colony where they are so he can trade Isaac for a getaway shuttle, because he only has the best intentions for Ellie’s safety in mind.



Your jaw will drop in amazement as Isaac pulls an occupied elevator up by himself and single handedly stalls an elephant sized Necromorph from pulling Santos to her death, rather than use that herculean strength to leap over and punch it in its Necrotaint. Or, you know...



But later has trouble pulling Carver up after falling off an edge.



Be there when Ellie defends the need for Isaac to Norton as being crucial to the mission, but claims Isaac has sabotaged the mission after killing Norton, the captain who did nothing but bitch, even though it was already explained to her that Norton betrayed them and tried to kill Isaac.



What were her last words to Norton before he was killed?

“And, Ellie…” — Norton
“Yeah?” — Ellie
“I love you. You know that, right?” — Norton
“What? Yeah. Yeah, of course. Isaac, meet us at the cliff!” — Ellie

Endure as the game trolls Carver with false hope that he and Isaac will be together when it looks like Ellie dies, but then unexpectedly reveals her to be alive and as Danik’s prisoner.



Prepare your faces to be palmed as Carver hands the key to the safety of all humanity over to Danik for Isaac’s obsession with Ellie and basically contradicting his previous comments about not letting them get in his way of stopping the Markers.



Hold back your tears when Isaac and Carver defeat a Necromorph the size of a moon and fall from an extreme height with the dead creature barreling down on top of them.



Uncover the mystery as to how they survive with an explanation so inane it's ripped straight out of a Giorgio A. Tsoukalos meme.



They set off on a mission to save humanity from the Markers…



What they ended up unleashing...



Was far worse…



From the publisher that brought you SimShitty and the writer who went on to do Army of Two: The Devil's Cartel comes a Co-op videogame with the option of Single Player literally begging for the sales numbers the Resident Evil franchise has that will leave people feeling like it’s the best yet so long as they don't think about the plot.



Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take the barrel full of money that EA didn't pay me to write this and be on my merry way.

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Everyday

Every day around the world millions of the living dead suffer cruelty from shootings, burning, decapitation, and getting their decaying brains bashed in and their crying out for help. Well, groaning for brains actually, but whatever. I realize this must come as a bit of a shock to some of you out there, but zombies are people to. At least at one point they were. Just because they stopped living does that mean we should stop caring?



Developers and publishers seem to want us to have a love-to-kill relationship with zombies and not a lot is getting done about it except for more of the same. Violence against zombies in videogames is at an all time high and let's face it, the ACLU isn't doing shit to stop it. It's like we all have an addiction to killing zombies in any and every way.

At one time I was like many of you. Why, I can’t even begin to describe the ecstasy I felt at the sight of the undead now dead again after unleashing my full load of ammunition in its face. Sadly, no zombies were rescued last year and the bodies continue to pile up. If something is going to change we have to first recognize that we have a problem before we can do anything about it.

There Goes My Baby

After my gratifying playthrough of Dead Space 3 from start to finish I needed to quench my thirst with some much-needed Gatorade followed by a rejuvenating slumber after those long and late hours of stomping on Necromorphs like Mario making turtle wine. Oh, the joy I had killing those rabid sons of bitches. All that changed, however, when I later woke up and my mind began racing.

The thought of wanting something new, something different, something crazy, and something downright blasphemous to all the other typical zombie games out there on the market unrelentingly began banging the drum of my mind. I knew what it was I was wanting. I was wanting to play a zombie game as a zombie.

Recalling the last game I was given the opportunity to play as a zombie I jumped back in it to remember to good times and that game was Left 4 Dead and let’s just say it had me Left 4 Wanting.

Lonesome Town

As an attractive hunter on the prowl I went about scouring the land in search of the living to befriend with a loving, some may argue as brutish, embrace. Sadly each person I found was a bit of an asshole.



Going to great effort to climb up tall buildings for a better view of my surroundings I wanted to know who and what was out there. In a minute or less I would quickly find someone who had not been turned, a living, breathing human being. I immediately pounced at the opportunity to engage them, literally. Alas, I was quickly met with hostility by their companions and then… no more.

Tears On My Pillow

After several encounters ending exactly the same way it became quite clear that not only did they want nothing to do with me, but that they treated zombies with shoot first and high-five later attitudes like it was all some sort of game. That’s when I realized what kind of world this was. I was playing in a world that saw zombies not for who they were but for what they are. I now understood what it was like for zombies to be treated as a disease needing to be eradicated without mercy or hesitation purely for entertainment.



Yes, that’s right. This was a gaming world full of zombie bigots. "Zombigots", I call them.

So I did what any grown man would do after suffering such soul-crushing rejection. I locked myself in my room and reconciled myself to crying into a pint of Haagen-Daz whilst listening to Adele’s “Someone Like You” on repeat for 45 minutes.

Earth Angel

While I was not able to overcome the social stigma of my undeadness there was one who raised from the earth and he didn’t take shit from anyone. Not from pubescent teenagers, slack-jawed farmers, or fictional Pennsylvania police. He was a manly man of a zombie with more class than etiquette lessons at Downton Abbey. That zombie was Eddie Stubbs in Stubbs the Zombie in Rebel Without a Pulse.



Once alive as a traveling salesman during the Great Depression Eddie found love with a girl named Maggie Monday. It wouldn’t last long for her father discovered the two together and shot poor Eddie as he tried to make his escape. Around 26 years later Eddie burst from his resting place to discover a brand new city looking like the typical imagining of what people thought 20 years of time passing would bring with laser guns, and robots, and hovercars! Oh my!



It was an amusing game in its day and while I won’t go into complete spoilers I will say, however, that this was one zombie that had a happy ending.

The Living Dead



The fascination with being a zombie isn't limited to a small amount of people. A growing number of people the last few years from all over the world participate in what is called a "Zombie Walk". Large numbers gather decked out in the most amazing zombie cosplay you'll ever see and walk about the city acting like a zombie. The first walk was held in 2006 with almost 900 people gathered and certified by Guinness World Records. Over the years the participation has grown to staggering numbers with as many close to around 30,000 participating.

Even science has taken an interest in zombies.



Interesting stuff.

All I Have to Do Is Dream

Stubbs the Zombie in Rebel Without a Pulse was released back in 2005. It was crafted using a modified version of the engine used to make the first Halo. Yeah, that's right, the fucking Halo engine. With the hijinks one could ensue using Eddie’s special zombie abilities being able to turn humans into fellow zombies, dismembering his hand, guiding it, and attaching it to control the bodies of his human enemies, throwing his internal organs as grenades, and the nonsensical use of his head as an explosive bowling ball was all pretty impressive. Now that it’s 2013 what tools do digital carpenters have to work with?

Thanks to continuing advancements with PC hardware and new consoles on their way developers are able to make better use of their skills with the decreasing technological strains of inferior hardware and digitally craft magnificent worlds thanks to great looking engines, such as AnvilNext, CryEngine 3, Frostbite 2, Glacier 2, RED Engine, and the new Unreal Engine 4.



You want minions? Look no further than games such as the Overlord and Assassin's Creed games. You want mobility and crazy abilities? Prototype and inFAMOUS proved it can be done. Hell, I'm going to remind you all about Project Awakened from Phosphor Games which has crazy abilities coming out the ass. Certainly such a game would need a dark, gritty, and open world to crawl around and infest. Batman: Arkham City was a satisfying masterpiece of a dark and gritty open world.

If one were to pull these ideas together and make a single game from them my only concern isn't going to be whether or not it will sell. My concern is my heart exploding out of my chest from excitement at the sight of this dream becoming a reality. The only problem, however, isn't an issue of either hardware or software.

If I Only Had a Brain



If something isn't done soon I fear for the future of both our decaying brethren in videogames and videogames alike. Gamers want something new and developers are starting to want to take some risks with new ideas, but publishers seem dead set against it because new ideas aren't a sure thing. Originality isn’t dying out, it’s being snuffed out.

Project Awakened is the perfect example of originality snuffing after many liked what Phosphor Games was doing yet still turned them away because, "the company was only investing in sequels or similar games to well-known IPs ... 'tweaks' of ideas already in the market". We are heading down a dull path. It's time things change before we begin seeing games starting to copy each other left and right.



Have we already arrived at that juncture? Have videogames taken such a depressing turn that everybody is stooping to copying Call of Duty's zombie horde? Are people just going to keep doing more of the same and expect great things? Maybe I'm just overreacting here. I mean, we've already seen horde modes of zombies and Nazi zombies, but it's not like people are going to start giving zombie hordes guns or anything.


Oh, for fuck sake...
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The console keeps the fun going... and going... and going.

If you were fortunate enough to buy a copy of Aliens: Colonial Marines for the Xbox 360 then you are one lucky son of a bitch.

“Only 5 hours of gameplay for $60? You can pry my money from my cold dead hands!”

While many have complained that the game is short theoretically you could play indefinitely! It’s been confirmed that the console will sometimes randomly erase your save data, because why be bothered to erase it yourself? Finally a game where you can start from the beginning after having already played it like it’s the first time, because to the game it will literally think it’s your first time.



So while you watch your friends playing a game that’s only as long as a handful of episodes of Homeland, not even a full season (HA!), they watch you replay from start to middle over and over again looking upon you in envy.


The final product looks way better than the demo.



We’ve all seen the demo. Who wants all that water dripping from broken pipes, damaged light fixtures with faulty wiring dangling from the ceiling like a cold, lonely testicle, and fog clouding your vision from all the wonder and glory that the game has to offer? Who wants to pay $60 to immerse themselves in features you can see every day at the apartment buildings in Transylvania right before your own maiming? The good news is none of that was in the final game, but apparently some internet do-gooders are taking it upon themselves to mod the game and put all that shit back in.



Great, why don't we all undo the restoration of that Elias Garcia Martinez painting of Jesus while we're at it?



There are no words. Just look at it.


Intelligent enemies are stupid.

Let me tell you a tale and stop me if this sounds familiar.



A person is playing a video game; let’s call him “Spunk Guzzler Jr.” (Because children make the best heroes and if you have a fantastic name like Spunk Guzzler you’re obviously going to keep it in the family), and in the game little Spunk has his weapon at the ready when suddenly an alien crashes down and drags away his companion. Spunk opens fire, but the crafty bastard scurries away making use of its surroundings and every shot misses because Jr. couldn't hit the broadside of a barn. Before Spunk can collect himself he now faces a hoard of vicious creatures making their way towards him, dodging fire left and right as they maneuver closer and closer until he’s forced to take the beast head on in melee barely surviving the encounter yet soiling himself in the process.



Fuck. That. I don't play for fun, I play to win. You think this is some kind of a game?! When I fire my gun I demand those evil bastards jump in front of my bullets as I ask them to look down the barrel of my gun. You want to play a game that makes you work for your money then move along and look elsewhere ya snob cause you won't find it here. A game couldn’t possibly be more winning than a game that didn’t just make the enemy stupid, it downright gave it a lobotomy!




Women, who needs `em?

Oh please, female characters? That doesn't sell games! Haven't you been listening to the market? Bayonetta, Lara Croft, Princess Peach, Zelda, all the games featuring these characters and others would have sold a lot more if the developers had just slapped on a 5 o'clock shadow, shoved a lit cigar in their mouth, injected them with steroids, and strapped on a giant floppy cock.



Sadly nobody knows who these characters are or what games they were in because they lacked a Y chromosome, science has proven this. It’s obviously why I couldn't even name a fifth woman. Hell, what was the name of that chick in all those Alien movies? Bradley Cooper?

When will you people learn that if you don't have a bunch of penises constantly slapping you in your face that you will never truely be entertained?



Randy Pitchford doesn't need to say anything because he did more than just give us this game. He gave us something we won’t stop talking about for a long... long time.
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