Not being able to describe oneself in the first person, Alcochetano is a simple man who lives in a picturesque little village in the ass-end of Europe.

Is only companions in life are an imaginary pink pig who he believes is always contemplating ways in which to assassinate him, and a pack of fine bone china dogs who accompany him wherever he goes.

Unbeknownst to Alcochetano, his sole purpose in life is actually to become the one person Jim Sterling can look to complacently and think, "Bollocks, these Portuguese cunts actually have it worse than we do. Oh well, fuck them for not living in a real country".

In this moment in time Alcochetano spends most of his free time reading about the games he would be playing should he stop spending so much time reading about the games he would like to play.