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AkaiNanashi's blog

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AkaiNanashi avatar 8:23 PM on 04.16.2010  (server time)
Hello, If I May Share a Few Thoughts

As I sit here listening to Weezer at midnight I cannot but sit here and think about the past couple of days thatís happened to me and the ways that has progressed for me. Originally there was a suggestion made to me that for my first C-blog I should draw all of this fanart and then in turn would get help from this same person to write something up. In all honesty I havenít drawn any serious fanart since I was maybe twelve, the latest fifteen. Thatís almost a decade ago... However, thatís not the point of this. Letís now take a little trip down a (hopefully) short story.

Once upon a time way long before a lot of shit happened, the first major mishap that happened to this child was being kicked out of school for the simple reason that the particular catholic school they went to didnít feel like dealing with their problem which this child wasnít a troublemaker. So while amidst about half-way through 2nd grade the teacher just randomly walked up to that child and told them to gather all of the books in their chair/desk and take them home as theyíre not allowed to come back to school tomorrow or any day following that. The child heartbroken and horribly confused packed up their things and trudged home with their older sibling. Next thing the child knew they were standing in the doorway to their home bawling, and trying to telling their mother how the school told them to never come back ever again. Thankfully the mother took the child in her arms as the child cried on the floor and called the school demanding that this shit needs to get fixed now. Sadly things never got ďfixed,Ē as the child ended up having to go to another school while their sibling stayed at the school they were attending before in some sick sense of irony.

What was the point of that story? Why that child in the story, if you hadnít figured it out, was me when I was little. I suppose some could say that Iíve lived an interesting childhood as I was usually picked on horribly for the problems I had with school then. So why am I telling you all all of this crap one would keep in the closet? Mostly because Iím told at times how much either said life sucks, or that they have no idea what the fuck there are suppose to do with their life.

Here you are grown up and what to show
You live in your own world

No one can really tell you what to do really when youíre dealt a shitty hand. Either you cash out and take your own damned life, or you find some way to continue living. And that may be a cold way to see things that basic, but when you get right down to it, you usually only have two choices to choose from. Iíve never been told what to do with my life when I got older. This has led me to six crushing years after high school of wondering about in a fog. For about the first two years I attempted attending the community college in my city. It ended with me changing my major from art, to music, to thinking about changing to photography, but never did. I was horrible at English. Iíd fail one class and then pass that next. The last one I had there I ended up failing because I was out one too many days, and instead of saying anything at home I would spend the days wondering about the campus in shame. I ended up owning up to it and left that school to go somewhere else for six months and repeated the same mess. This time while I was on ďsummer breakĒ I didnít tell a soul or the three months thereafter and spent my days wondering different malls looking for work. I felt extremely depressed and alone in the world. My artwork became very depressing, though thankfully not violent.

It was until after I had finally took a healthy step in life and started to date again did I realize that if I really wanted something that I really just had to grab that fucker by the balls and do it myself. Literally, as the one that I was dating then I was the one that chased after them. Iíve never pondered about what could have happened if I hadnít, but somehow it probably wouldíve been crap.

When I lost my crappy job I knew there was something that had to be done. I either had to go to back to school (which I hated the idea,) or find another dead end job to slowly have my soul crushed. For a few weeks I looked up different jobs that at least had some use to my better talents. Finally I had to do another hated thing and wonder to different schools and pretend to be nice to strangers in hopes they had what Iím looking for. So far itís going to be a year that Iíve been in school now, and two years that Iíve been dating my boyfriend come this October. And you know what? I couldnít have done it solely alone. Remembering back when I was trying to decide whether to attempt school I looked to my boyfriend quietly and thought, Ďwow, if he is juggling three part time jobs right now, why the fuck am I complaining?í Right now, Iím only twenty-four.

Itís true we all have potential to do great things in life, but weíre not islands. Not completely anyway. Yes, you are the only person who can make you do the things you do is you, but at times it feels like that isnít enough. Thatís when you look to a friend, a loved one, someone to give you some help, give some kind words. Sometimes we need a good ass kicking before we realize that we need to get shit done. Or some people need some inspiration to get them motivated. Hell, some people know what destructive force is keeping them from doing what they want, but still need to break old habits, or need to get away from that negative force. Well, Iím telling you right now, start now. Donít wait for tomorrow, if you fail, then you fail. You just learned one way that wonít work and still have countless more to find the right one. Iím still going through crap here and there, but I know things will get better if I work at it. And I hope that if anything, this story will help any who are feeling down in the dumps.

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