As any of you who know me will no doubt sigh heavily and admit too, I fucking love the Elder Scrolls games. I won £400 worth of top-end graphics card from PC Gamer UK because I sucked it off so much.
Bethesda, for some a monolithic, malevolent octopus of a corporation, for others a bunch of friendly nerds that may have sticky fingers but you wouldn't mind hugging on their birthday, and for me a subtle and fruity mix of the two, has pretty much gone ahead and announced a new Elder Scrolls game in 2010.



The crowds rejoice!



And then... the inevitable rumblings... the seismic thrashing of the collective Internet begins, and a Leviathane, serpent-collective emergeth.

Angry young men. Ecstatic young men. Wishlists. Arguments. Discussion. Debate. Most of these are the basis of Platonic, democratic society. The Internet facilitates this. Even the word 'forum' has its origins in the noblest of govermental processes.

However, even a cursory rock thrown into the scrying pool of the Tubes dredges up horrific amounts of hate, bile, anger and rage against what, if we are excruciatingly honest, is either a fantastic and exciting announcement, or something that doesn't really affect you in the slightest.

Here are a few choice musings.

Dragons (one for each element)

Would like the feature of online

Giga-wolves

OK, the last one was made up, and I'm not entirely sure what would qualify a wolf as 'giga', but these, and many worse that I couldn't be arsed to find again, characterise the furore that occurs when an established series that is known for being something of a 'flawed genius' opens its development doors again.

I am a massive Elder Scrolls fan. All of them. Every one. They are all fucking amazing. Trying to change my mind with rational thought and argument will only cause me to wave my naked buttocks at my monitor. I can, however, admit that there was a lot wrong with them. This is not inversely proportional to brilliance. Oblivion, especially, while deep, beautiful, rich and unique, sometimes handled like a magpie with multiple sclerosis.

I feel, therefore, that I am entitled to have my say. And what better place than a blog? Some people may disagree with me on some of these, and others may say they are exactly the same as thousands of other complaints, but...

...shut up. That's all. Nothing witty. Shut up.

Dear Santa, for Last Quarter 2010 I would like...

DO NOT LOSE THE CONSTRUCTION SET.
I realise that it is about as likely as the sun farting pigeons that they would drop this user support tool, but I really cannot iterate enough how important this is to the Elder Scrolls' survival. User-generated content. Oodles of it. For those of us playing them on PC, this avenue of modulation has created thousands of game hours of extra content, all for free. I have seen model and texture work that would rival that of professional game designers, and some of the quests are so bat-shit brilliant I cannot understand why Bethesda does not descend like some greedy, leathery vulture and snap these geniuses up. Keep the Construction Set. It is the reason I still play your games.

MAKE IT MMORPG AND LOSE YOUR COLLECTIVE KNEECAPS
I thought that it was just me who was not caught up in the warped cult of MSN with pointy ears, but apparently there are many others who agree with me. I hate fantasy MMOs. The graphics are usually quite bad in order to be scaleable to 13 year-old Jimmy's glorified calculator, it is mostly inhabited by griefing wankrockets, and, most importantly, you don't feel important. Irony. The point of a fantasy RPG, I feel, is to escape the fact you are overweight, a fan of My Chemical Romance, and have a skin disease. My forays into WoW and Guild Wars made me feel like one of those kids that follows superheroes around in comics, dressing like them and generally getting in the way - I was inexperienced, looked ridiculous, and wasn't riding a mammoth to compensate. In single-player games, the world revolves around you. The Elder Scrolls games are a great example of this - total freedom deciding how you interact and shape the world. Have a mammoth! Have everyone cheering and showering you with crisps and tiramisu as you ride your mammoth! I love the power and importance. The Elder Scrolls are single-player, and it wouldn't be innovative to make it an MMO: it would be shameless, soulless and remove a lot of character and style from the game. Don't make me be a wankrocket. Please.

A Fighting System That Doesn't Make Me Feel Like A Rock-'em Sock'em Fucking Robot
The fighting system has improved. Yes. I will admit this. Morrowind, though brilliant, shall not be spoken of in this respect. But when I draw my sword I want to feel like a titan, broiled lightly in the bath of combat; I want to jump off things, slice things, use some fucking physical combat. I don't want to look like a Monty Python extra, hitting my enemies with a soggy baguette. Fallout 3 was guilty of this as well; pistols are cool, but I feel like the Crown Prince with his little sailor suit and his withered arm when I lope across the wastes, hugging my blast-stick to me like it's my sodding infant. Yes, it will take extra work, animation and manpower. Yes, not everyone plays as a hitty-hitty-hurty man. But it is one of the most common complaints about Morrowind, and Oblivion, and a visceral, mobile fighting system will add so much to your game. Please. I am serious about this one.

A Script That Sounds Like You Give A Shit
OK, that sounded a bit harsh. And it is. The scripts aren't that bad. And Morrowind's was a lot better, probably because it didn't all have to be voiced by Joe America. But make a decision. Voice-acting does bring a lot to a game, (see my previous blog) but commit to it. Produce a script that is deep, over-arching, sometimes controversial and strange, makes people laugh. I am being harsh with this one. There were lots of amazing touches, particularly in the side quests, and Shivering Isles (having everyone be huffing-paint insane certainly helps), but I sometimes felt like effort was lacking. The main part of any RPG is the story. Tell it well.

Set It Somewhere In Your Fantasy World That Isn't Dull. Or Germany.
The Elder Scrolls has a heritage. It has a history, religious wars, Acts of God, crevices and nooks where everything can and will happen. But Oblivion made a boo-boo. Instead of choosing a beautifully characterised, eldritch scenario, they chose the province that was most like home. It looks like Oblivion out my bedroom window. Which is lovely. It is lovely. But I could reel off any number of RPG that uses such an environment. I can get lost completely in Oblivion's world. But not very often did I turn a corner and go "Wow, I was not expecting that". I remember stepping off the boat in Morrowind and feeling slightly scared and out of my depth. This is exactly what you want from a player. Oblivion feels like Kent. Not the moon. I would rather behead rats on the moon.

I'm not going to be greedy, and ask for anymore. And I don't think that I succeeded in remain fanboydom-free. But fanboys, at their most basic, are what a game needs. Diehard fans, who follow the games and knows them in and out, and can offer advice on where to go next.

But no. Instead we have this. This is the fanboy. Facepalm indeed.