Hello everyone.

I've been on Dtoid for quite some time and I don't often say much. However for the past few days I have been speaking with a rather smart user here of whom has encouraged me to make a blog. Rather than start off with some bland discussion about morality (Which I enjoy) she instead suggested I tell some of the more amusing situations I've come into in repairing laptops.

They will be described or listed in no particular logic or order.

Disclaimer: I would also like to mention that I do not search customer's computers unless it is necessary (Which it rarely is.)

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I recall once a customer requested I search her HDD for some particular pictures. Problem is, she had no idea what they were called or when they were created or even the roughest idea of where they could be. (She scattered all her files along my documents, various subfolders to various subfolders.) The dialog now begins...

Customer: I'm sorry sweetie but I just don't know where they are.
Me: Well... I'm going to need more information if I'm to find the photos you're looking for.
Customer: OH!! I know! There's a kite in them! If you find a kite, you've found the photos!
Me: ... kite.
Customer: Yes! It'll be multicolored!
Me: ... Oooookay.
Aside: So I manage to find her some of her photos, now keep in mind she is on the phone the entire time, telling me of her family vacation.
Customer: Blah blah Mexico blah blah beach
Me: Ma'am? I think I found them.
Customer: Oh good! Oh! Do you see any of a beach?
Me: *After short while* Yeah I see them, some bald fellow too.
Customer: Oh, that's my husband! Do you have any of the hotel?
Aside: So I scroll down a bit and am treated to the sight of a forty or fifty year old male COCK. (In bold for effect)
Me: *Trying to keep from laughing* Yes... I think so.
Aside: Now this is where my morality fails... I click to see next picture and yeah... he is... 'involved' with a jar of peanut butter. (Read: HE'S FUCKING PEANUT BUTTER!!)
Me: Yep... found the hotel picture. Your husband is in these too...
Customer: *silence*
Me: Well... since I found them I'm just going to put these on your desktop, m'kay?
Customer: *silence* Yes... ok. Thank you. *hangs up*

The best part was when she and her husband came to pick up the laptop, she asked me...
Customer: So... were you the one who fixed it?
Me: Yes.

Both she and her husband turned fire-engine red.

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Random statistics from what I recall...

Number of pornographic screen savers: About 10

Number of those involving homosexual males: 3

Number involving tentacle porn: 1... but it was memorable.

Number of discs in the optical drive of a pornographic nature: 2

Number of homoseuxal pornographic discs I set to play automatically on my manager's computer when he booted up in the morning: 1 (He wasn't my manager at the time, so... probably why I'm not fired.)

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Statistics not related to porn...

Some of the oddest whole objects found inside laptops: Pretzel, insects, wedding ring (I saved that man's marriage I'm sure.)

Funniest excuses for a shattered LCD: I just touched the screen and it shattered! It was just sitting on my desk and it shattered! I had my window open last night and it must have been too cold! I had it in front of my fan!

Downright dumbest bitch: This was on a fairly recent MacBook with an aluminum keyboard and the keys on .... well the keyboard were all mashed up, which usually indicates a customer with an anger issue. This woman tried to explain that the HEAT OF HER FINGERS melted the ALUMINUM keyboard. Aluminum is used to make goddamned fuselages!!

Notable attempts at customers trying to get a good deal: This one fellow would have to pay about $300 to get his motherboard replaced. He, I should mention he is Russian which is only of consequence since I am not Russian and am not used to 1. The accent 2. Concept of bartering. He kept saying 150. It took a few seconds, but I got it. So I said,
Me: OH!! You want to barter!!
Aside: He looked very pleased and said,
customer: Yes!
Me: Ok, now the cost to fix your laptop is $700. Now what's your offer?

(I suppose that was a dick move on my part, but he was what I call... a pain in the ass.)

Oddest substances found in/caked on laptop: Semen, hot cocoa, jam, some sort of massage oil (It was oily and smelled like jasmine), melted marshmallow.

Most racist thing to me said by customer in reference to tech support: Those Goddamned Towel Head motherfuckers can't speak a lick of fucking english!!

[Funniest thing a customer said to me after I left him a voicemail of the cost of repairing his laptop... (Dialog)
Me: This is Service.
Customer: Yeah is this Anthony?
Me: Yes sir how c...
Customer: FUCK YOU ANTHONY!!!!

Shittiest brand of laptop I work on? Toshiba. Nothin' funny there. Toshiba sucks.


Well... a shitty first blog but there you go.

I noticed a lack of images... so I'll upload something either relevant or random from my HDD