I hate to say it, but I've been doing a bit too much reflecting lately, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm in a way ashamed of who I am.
I'm guessing it started from high school, for you see, I fucking loved comics & videogames. I had my folders plastered with Spawn, Mortal Kombat and Final Fantasy and I didn't think anything of it because I FUCKING LOVED those things. You could probably say that at that age I was spending way too much time focusing on that shit rather than focusing on other things like sports and girls. As I went through the years at high school I slowly started realizing that the things I loved just didn't seem to be what the majority of other kids were into. At first this didn't seem to bother me, until I started to get openly mocked for being into comics and games, and once I had built a reputation around myself, it stuck with me for the next 6 years, from Yr 7 right through to Yr 12. Guys would bully me because I was an easy target as "the geek", and girls wouldn't talk to me because of the embarrassment that would come as a result of with being seen with that nerdy kid. All of this because I was openly a fan of games and other elements of geek culture.
Of course thatís just high school, and I'm sure a lot of you went through a similar experience yourselves. Once we all grow up we finally realize how dumb and pointless that crap was and we move on. We go out, meet people, make friends, meet women (or men), get laid, and no one judges you based on any bullshit pre-conceived notions. You are who you are and you should be fucking proud of that fact every day of your life...... yet for some of us, letting go of those old habits just isn't that easy.
I've taken too long to build up to this point, but the fact is that I'm still ashamed to tell most people that I'm into videogames. Maybe I'm busy making the assumption that people just won't get it, maybe I can't be bothered explaining myself if questions are asked, but the answer is more than likely that I'm still stuck in the habit of worrying too much about being judged because of what I'm into.
So how do I deal with it? Well, Instead of being open, I just hide who I am. It's not like I lie to people about it, I just don't tell them everything there is to know when I'm asked what Iím into, what I've been doing, how was the weekend and so on.... the main problem though is that videogames seem to be such a big part of who I am and excluding them from what I choose to tell people doesn't really leave me with much left to talk about. I guess it's no surprise that I usually have trouble relating to people. My close friends know what I'm into of course, as they're all fairly serious gamers too, and while my ex-girlfriend was well aware of my love for gaming, her complete lack of interest in it always made me extremely self-conscious whenever I spoke about it in front of her so that didn't help.
Now.... I know what Iíd tell someone if they told me this about themselves. I'm sure I'd find a nice enough way to say "Fuck off, you don't need to worry about what a single person thinks. You just have to be happy being who you are and if other people have a problem with that then they aren't worth fucking knowing in the first place. If you're happy with yourself then you don't have anything else to worry about". While this is the advice I'd expect from anyone who knew me, words are a great deal weaker than 14 years of self-suppression. It turns out that its a hard habit to kick. I'm definitely trying, and things are definitely getting easier in this respect, the process is definitely not as easy as I'd want it and at times i do still struggle with who I am, but I think I am slowly starting to finally learn to really accept myself so that I can learn to let others accept me too.
Now, just so you know, this isn't supposed to be some fuck-off emo-omg breakdown. I don't think my life is shit and I'm actually quite happy with things at the moment thank you very much, its just that I, like most other people I imagine, have thoughts about these kinds of things at times. I'm just here expressing myself a bit and opening up. So... while Iíve gone and opened my heart a little, how about you share a bit yourself. Does anyone feel the same way, or am I alone on this one?
Once again, thanks for reading. read