So I waited in line, patiently anticipating the puppies, rainbows and Vietnamese hookers that was going to come pouring out of my 360 when I stuck in GTA 4. And I was mostly correct in that assumption. Concelmo riding a dolphin level happiness ensued upon playing this game.

Then it died. I don't know why. I felt more finished than Daniel Day Lewis at the end of There Will Be Blood. So I took a few days off. I felt overwhelmed with the sheer amount of stuff in the game. 200 pigeons? WTF? Why not make it 400, you arbitrary sadists?

I fell back to my standby: the SNES. Unfortunately, I didn't bring my SNES to college, so I play Wii VC. So, Here I am, playing Super Mario World, cowering in my little Nintendo security blanket. And I gotta tell you all, it's pretty awesome. Not punch a hooker awesome, but close.



So in lieu of my GTA impressions, I'm gonna give you all some Super Mario World impressions. Maybe you got Rick-Rolled, but I think this will be more entertaining than the glut of posts about GTA.

First and Foremost:

Fuck you, Gamecube Controller.



I somehow have to be able to hold Y and press B without touching the HUGE FUCKING A button. My thumb is not meant to bend this way. Everytime I want to hold a turtle shell or do a long jump, I end up spin jumping. I hate that goddamn spin jump. The worst is when I am riding Yoshi. When I try to make a jump, if I even so much look at the A button it boots my fat Italian ass off that dinosaur and laughs. LAUGHS.



Second,

How damn awesome are the rainbow road levels? Let's ask them! We have:

Gnarly
Tubular
Way Cool
Awesome
Groovy
Mondo
Outrageous
Funky

They are so awesome they make Mario explode:



Best level names Ever? Pretty much. Best levels ever? I still love gnarly, due to the message box at the beginning of the level. Funky was amazing due to the coin message at the end proclaiming "You are a Super Player!"

However, Tubular is one of the most frustrating levels in Mario history; and I'm including the lost levels.



Basically, Mario has to maneuver his way to the end of the level by maintaining a chain of P balloons, otherwise he falls to his death. If any enemy touches him, he dies. The game throws every projectile hucking charging chuck and volcano lotus it can at you while your bloated mustache tries feebly to rise and sink to avoid baseballs and footballs. FOOTBALLS. I have never been screwed so many times by a football in this level (outside of Madden). Wait, projectiles? Awkward handling? One hit Kills?

Tubular is a Mario Shmup. I love hyperbole, so I'm gonna say it is as hard as Ikaruga. The floating mechanic is just terrible. P balloons are the worst power up since the frog suit.

However, the best part of Super Mario World comes after completion of the extra levels. The entire game is given a sprite-swap, giving everything a neon, trippy quality. The levels become neon green and orange, and the koopas turn into little mario clones.



My personal favorite transformation is the piranha plant into pumpkin. It reminds me of Halloween, the best time of the year.

Overall, 11/10.


Now, GTA might be more beautiful and better many senses of the word, but why did I return to a game that I have played at least 15 times? I think Rockstar should percolate on that.