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8:26 PM on 09.03.2008

PAX 08: Where an asian dude licked my nipple and I forgot

You can't attend PAX and not come back with a head full of memories; a belly full of food, booze or both; and a bloodstream full of uppers, downers and STDs and not write about it -- it's in the bible, look it up. You've read the lovely digital diaries of other attendees and this little piece of internet handjobbery really is no different, but when you've spent 4 incredible days with some of the most ridiculously great people to ever be assembled in one area everyone needs to share. And sometimes people share more than just words.



I really don't remember what you see above happening and the worst part being I was definitely sober enough at the time to know what was going on. Therein lies the beauty (or horror) of the PAX experience because it's like one big, hedonistic whirlpool of grab ass and awesome. My parents would truly be proud, but it's all I could do.

I won't lie, prior to PAX I was feeling disconnected to Dtoid as a whole. Not sure what it was exactly but I was spending almost no time on the site beyond reading the news via RSS or hopping into the occasionally linked-to c-blog. Any feeling of disconnect went away the split-second I started meeting the community members. There really is something special about Destructoid and the people that are drawn to it. Here I was, having just met people I'd never met before, maybe not even interacting with on the site at all and it was like we were best friends from years back. Nothing but smiling faces, inviting hugs and plenty of latent homosexuality to fill the city of Seattle and spill into the nearby Puget Sound. It really was one of the greatest things I have ever been a part of and it's an experience I doubt I'll be able to match anytime soon.



I'm extremely thankful to be a part of this community and you ALL are some of the greatest people I have ever and will ever meet in my entire life. From the bottom of my heart, I consider you all to be friends -- editors and community members alike -- and I cannot wait to see you again.

I don't want to single anybody out because I would feel awful if I forgot anyone with all the greatness we experienced like failed attempts to find the IHOP on Butmac's iPhone (spoiler: it didn't fucking exist and breakfast sucked), the CBM kidnapping Necros at the airport and holding forced peace negotiations with the IRCartel, consistently terrible bar service that we returned to night-after-night, mouth raped by a shark and the arduous task of saying goodnight and goodbye one last time.



To contradict myself, there is one person I would like to single out amongst the army of many and without this man, none of this would be possible: Niero. He is, without a doubt, one of the most humble, nicest and appreciative people that has ever lived. He treats Dtoiders not as minions but as friends that he wants to see have a good time. It was an honor to have finally met him and a pleasure to witness the passion for what he does first-hand. Our last night together where everyone said an emotional goodbye group hug style and Kryptinite was in jeopardy of being arrested for his blackness will never be forgotten.



I hope everyone that attended this year will return next year to attempt a recreation of the experience and for those that couldn't make it this year, I beg you: FIND A WAY TO ATTEND PAX 09!!! I miss you all already.

Also, live show. <3

  read


11:39 AM on 08.06.2008

Liveblogging Chinese Democracy (GNR related)

A little while ago, a co-worker hands me a CD-R with "Guns N Roses - Chinese Democracy" hastily scribbled (benefit of the doubt) onto its surface. Could this be the mythical, 15 years-in-the-making return of Axl Rose and GNR in my possession...for reals?! Will it bring peace to mankind like Wyld Stallyns?! I'm hoping it's one of the recent leaks of whatever tracks have been "completed" for the album, but with my luck it's a Debbie Gibson "Best Of" collection mashed with Bell Biv DeVoe. We're going to find out together in this pictoral live blog since taking it to Stickam would bore the ever loving shit out of you as I fall asleep and/or pick my nose for 40 minutes.



12:49 EDT: We start off with the track, "Better." What the fuck is happening in the beginning? Is this album going to be all soft and sissy? Electronics? WHAAAA?



12:50 EDT: It got better. The guitars kicked up, Axl sounds like Axl and it's rolling along. It's definitely more commercially inclined and probably isn't going to please many GNR fans, but since I'm not a GNR fan I really don't give a crap. It doesn't suck.

12:51 EDT: HOLY CRAP! There was a solo for about 2 seconds and then it broke into some guitar/electronics breakdown. Now Axl is shrieking like a banshee and I'm having a good time. This goes against all law!

12:54 EDT: This totally isn't GNR. Not one bit, but the track will probably make 14 year olds go out and buy "Appetite for Destruction" afterwards.


Track 2: Chinese Democracy

12:57 EDT: What the hell is this? Was Axl listening to Suicidal Tendencies or something? He sounds like crap and this track is total cock rock. If this is how he chooses the album's namesake, I am worried. Oh the horror.




Track 3: IRS

1:01 EDT: Hey Axl, Robert Plant called; he wants his vocal stylings back.

1:03 EDT: Sweet fucking mercy this is lame. I had hope for this stuff when I discovered, "Better" wasn't going to make me want to drill my brain with a twizzler, but this is some seriously lame crap. They're channeling Santana now. Black Magic Douchebags.

1:05 EDT: There's a ripping solo now and Axl sounds like Axl, but this doesn't sound like GNR. OH YES! It's over! Moving on!


Track 4: Madagascar

1:06 EDT: Oh my hell. The track opens with a string arrangement followed by a downtempo electronic beat. Axl sounds like Billie Holiday if she chugged down a mixture of maple syrup and lighter fluid. GNR fans...stay away!



1:09 EDT: Seriously. What the fuck, Axl? This track could totally be the next shitty theme for the next shitty Bond movie. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? There's a weepy solo with a bunch of movie samples in the background and the grandiose string arrangement. Who brought the crack?

1:10 EDT: It's official: this out gays "November Rain."


Track 5: New Song #1

1:12 EDT: We've transcended the need for track titles here, folks. Axl just said "fuck" and the track actually kind of sounded like GNR with a little bit of that stupid track from End of Days, "Oh My God" throw in for whatever reason. That went out the window though because now there's some electronic whizzing going on and lots of bitch.

1:14 EDT: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. That's the sound both Axl and I are making.




Track 6: New Song #2

1:15 EDT: Wow. This is totally something The Frey would release. Next time someone gets clever and asks them, "how do you save a life?" they can cleverly fire back, "don't do what Axl does."

1:17 EDT: This song doesn't know if it wants to be a sappy pile of aural gymnastics or another Bond theme song. "Live and Let Die" this is not.



1:20 EDT: The end would be really cool if I didn't know this was supposed to be GNR. That's not discrimination, that's the truth.

1:21 EDT: I thought it was over...IT KEEPS GOING! COME ON!


Track 7: New Song #3

1:22 EDT: I'm moving on before the other song even finishes because it's nonsense.

1:23 EDT: Alright. In all honesty this track is actually really cool. Starts out with a spanish guitar and has a very latin rhythm with some synth strings in the back...and then Axl starts singing and I'm reminded of what I'm listening to. I'm pretty sure they say just before you die, you drift into serenity...if only it was true.

1:24 EDT: This song officially sucks. Seriously, Axl's vocals just do not belong in what could be a decent instrumental. Maybe the band should fire Axl.

1:27 EDT: Santana, circa "Supernatural" era going on right now. I thought Axl was supposed to churn out a NIN or Ministry clone? I would've been all for that.




Track 8: The Blues

1:29 EDT: One more to go after this....this track should've been called "November Rain 200Gay."

1:30 EDT: Hounestly, this song is pretty good. It's very grand, lots of piano, strings and Axl is really reaching for those notes. It's not bad, but it's definitely "November Rain" for a new generation. I blue myself.

1:31 EDT: Epic ending akin to Taranchula's "Moving Very Slowly." On to the end.


Track 9: There Was a Time

1:32 EDT: More strings, more programmed beats, more Axl doing whatever he's doing. Any semblance of what you thought was GNR is maggot feed.

1:34 EDT: Ugh. The song shifted sloppily into a hard riff and then hopped back to a bouncy little piano ditty reminiscent of The Beatles. If you ever stayed awake at night wondering how that would work, I can tell you that it does not.

1:35 EDT: MEEDLEY-MEEDLEY-MEEDLEY-MEEDLEY-MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

1:37 EDT: This has now become what my friend's band and I used to refer to as an "EPOS" -- Epic Piece of Shit. It's just a sea of strings, piano and guitar wankery. I think Axl passed ou......nope, there he is.

1:38 EDT: It ends with a small choir. CRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY LITTLE SISTER!! Oh wait, that would've been awesome.

1:43 EDT: It's over. 9 tracks done and dusted. I'm actually pretty disappointed because while I made fun of it above, it's not entirely bad but it's nothing really special. The music is pretty average and most pieces really do sound like "November Rain" knockoffs. If this wasn't the mythical hydra that is "Chinese Democracy" it probably would get a pass as being a valiant effort from some band in the middle of Ohio (Tazar and the Date Rape) but it being the oft-delayed GNR album, it's a ho-hum pile of nonsense. Time to thaw out Slayer.



I do not claim to be an expert on music, although I am. I also know that I'm not funny even though my mom laughs pretty hard when I tell my brother to go fuck himself at the dinner table. I love you all.   read


8:26 AM on 07.24.2008

Siren: Blood Curse creepily creeping onto US PSN today



I remember playing the original Siren on PS2 when it came out. I also remember, after about 6 hours, asking myself, "what the hell am I playing?" It was a jumbled mess of a game that was part survival-horror and part Metal Gear: Dear God, Please Kill Me. The story structure was laid out in a confusing timeline, played out-of-order, causing you to have to go back and replay sections to find an alternate path so you could progress further in the game. At first it sounds kind of interesting, until you find yourself caught in a wrinkle in time and playing in a circle of frustration for hours. I eventually had to give up for fear of stroking out and/or strangling myself with the DualShock. Apparently Siren 2, which never saw a US release, was a much better game due to the developers fixing a lot of the stupid from the original and making it playable. This is why I'm looking forward to the downloadable PSN title.

Siren: Blood Curse is a remake of the original game, by the original developers. The story involves an American film crew -- replacing the original's cast of Japanese characters -- who are investigating the legend of the vanishing village, Hanuda. The development of the game is said to further improve upon what the team did with Siren 2 in making it less suicidal for the player.

The game will be available today in 3 packs of 4 episodes, priced at $14.99 each or $39.99 for the whole kit and kaboodle. There's been no word of a retail release for the US -- Japan gets to chew on one in the near future -- so if you're a physical media whore such as myself, you may want to hold off a bit or throw money at an import shop. In the meantime, you can download the creepy but short demo from PSN, which definitely plays better than the original PS2 game, but doesn't let you know if you're playing a merry-go-round.

[via Playstation.Blog]   read


7:39 AM on 07.11.2008

GTAIV 360 on the cheap from 9AM EDT-1PM EDT in Amazon's Gold Box



We'll make this short.

If you don't have GTAIV for 360 yet or maybe you want to get one as a present for your mom or local priest, then jettison your internet capsule towards Amazon. In the Gold Box section (the link sits at the top of the site; login or create an account to take advantage) they're offering GTAIV for 360 at a discounted price of $44.99, but only from 9AM EDT - 1PM EDT. If you want it, be sure to get in there quick as quantities are limited.

tl;dr American Teetees. Cheap.   read


7:07 PM on 07.08.2008

Megaton PAX Announcement?



I sure hope so!   read


7:53 AM on 07.08.2008

Unreal Tournament III 360 is a black market baby @ Amazon today



No, your eyes are not retardo and neither am I (this time, at least).

Today's Amazon Deal of the Day is in fact Unreal Tournament III for XBox 360 at a price of $44.99 + free shipping. What's the deal here Amazon? This has never happened before and it makes me wonder (oooooooooo it makes me wonder) what happened in the warehouse that prompted a price cut before it's even officially out in the Amazon system (listed July 10th ship date).

Alright, maybe they decided since the PC and PS3 versions are out with price points of $24 and $40 respectively, they figured, "eh, what the hell?" It's possible and certainly not completely out of the ordinary, however, I think it's far more sinister than this.

What I think happened is when the shipment of Unreal Tournament III was opened, they found a cursed idol in the box. This prompted a flashback to that episode of "The Brady Bunch" where they go to Hawaii and Greg gets into some shenanigans while surfing and trying to bang his step-sister. No one wants that kind of bad juju, especially when there's semi-incestuous action to be had. Amazon's peeps know this and they don't need some curse mucking up their weekend plans so now it's a flip of the coin for you to believe this tall tale and skip a solid, brand new, cheap game or go balls deep and surrender to your desires.   read


7:57 AM on 06.27.2008

Amazon's Nintendo Gold Box Deals Revealed!



As you may all know, Amazon is devoting today's Gold Box deals entirely to the world of Nintendo. Starting with Super Smash Bros. Brawl, at $25.99 + free shipping, they're pushing their sweet, sweet product like candy-coated crack to the twitching masses all day and the secret's out.

Normally, you'd have to decipher the clues in the Gold Box listings to figure out what's coming up when-- which isn't exactly the job of Professor Layton -- but thankfully the deal addicted freakazoids on the Amazon forums uncover the truth like Fox Mulder. From here on, the mystery is unraveled and the only questions that remain in this post are, "what are the prices?" and "how is Amy Winehouse still alive?" Those questions will be answered in due time, but until then, enjoy some spoilers.

6AM PDT Yoshi's Island DS (DS) (Reg $29.99)

8AM PDT The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass (DS) (Reg $34.99)

10AM PDT Super Mario Galaxy (Wii) (Reg $49.99)

12PM PDT New Super Mario Bros. (DS) (Reg $32.99)

2PM PDT Mario Kart DS (DS) (Reg $34.99)

4PM PDT The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (Wii) (Reg $49.99)

6PM PDT Mario Party DS (DS) (Reg $29.99)

8PM PDT Pokemon Diamond (DS) (Reg $33.99)   read


9:13 AM on 06.04.2008

The Gears of a Mass Effect War roll down stairs, alone or in pairs and run over your neighbor's dog @ Amazon today



This isn't something you see everyday: two GOOD (GREAT?) games as Amazon's DotD.

First up, we have the sleeper hit, Gears of War. This was one of those games that kind of slipped in under the radar around the holidays and slowly gained some steam after word-of-mouth spread, saying how fun it was. A lot of you probably don't own this because it's hard to find, due to the small amount of units pressed. It looks like the treasure hunters at Amazon were able to uncover a shipment buried deep in Hangar 51 and now they want you to have a copy for $34.99 + free shipping. Sounds like a pretty good deal, but you're better off waiting a few weeks and picking up Gears of War: FES for $40 and getting all the extra content. Video gaming is a business that moves quick, you have to be on your toes for stuff like this.


Secondly and finally (it's been such a long post), we have this year's hottest exercise training "game," Mass Effect. I've seen this being heavily promoted all over the place, even a HUGE in-store push from Walmart for Mother's Day. It's kind of a kooky, outside-the-box idea that seems to be paying off in spades. I mean, a lot of people have trouble motivating themselves to get off the damn couch and do something; here they're being tricked by a video game. If motivation is what you need, you can get on the train for $34.99 + free shipping. However, the slicker, more streamlined PC version is available for $39.99 + free shipping, so you have some options. Hey, why are there aliens and crap on the box?   read


7:26 AM on 06.03.2008

Uncharted: Drake's Fortune will half-tuck its way into your heart (and pants) @ Amazon today



As they say, "good things come to those who wait." After a string of sub-par Amazon gaming deals, the sass masters have decided to bestow upon us peons (I read that as "penis," everytime I proofed my words), a shining gem of the fantastic. Sauntering through the miasma of crap games, comes Nathan Drake and his half-tuck, ready to chart a course to your heart.

If you've been on the fence about this game, now is your chance. $39.99 + free shipping is most definitely a solid and inviting price for a game, I think, was one of the best of '07. You especially can't go wrong if you thought Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was lacking in the Awesome Dept. because Nathan Drake is the new Indy. I really don't have much else to say other than, BUY IT NOW!   read


7:34 AM on 05.30.2008

Prey 360 was the pioneer for next-gen wrench violence and portals; it needs love @ Amazon today


You're excited, I can tell. Not many games allow you play the role of an angsty Native American mechanic who beats aliens with a wrench about the ass and face. Maybe that's not your bag after Bioshock's amazing depiction of wrench violence, you just can't go back, which I can totally understand. However, Prey also has portals; INTERDIMENSIONAL TRAVEL!! That's right, before The Orange Box's Portal made portaling cool again, Prey was keeping it real. This is the entire reason the game was delayed 10 years...that's hardcore! And all because the technology wasn't ridiculous enough to allow them the ability to have you walk in a spacehole and pop-out on the ceiling to blast some ass. Although, it could've been to let the technology for you to no not totally die in a FPS come to fruition. Either way, you're tingling, I can tell.

I can make jokes and fill the screen with lots of nonsense, but what it all boils down to is, for $14.99 Prey is so friggin worth your time. I hear the multiplayer is pretty decent, allowing for multi-plane deathmatch-a-go-gos and did I mention the single player lets you take control of an angsty Native American mechanic who beats aliens with a wrench about the ass and face? If you're still not sold then you need to go on a vision quest.   read


8:58 AM on 05.29.2008

Guitar Hero 3 Wired X-plorer Bundle 360 is a steal @ Walmart...wait, a Walmart post?


Sorry about the small image, but Walmart's website sucks and has the bigger picture in Flash. You can't see me, but I'm shaking my fist in the air and cursing something.

If you hop over to Walmart.com, you can snatch up the Guitar Hero 3 Wired X-plorer Bundle for 360 at the insanely reasonable price of $$39.72 + $.97 shipping or free shipping to a store, but if $.97 is a big deal then you need to sit down so we can chat about life.

I actually picked one of these up a couple weeks ago because the Rock Band guitar drives me insane on Expert difficulty and I thought it would be nice to have a clicking strum bar as well as a 2nd guitar for when my high brow friends come by for some rock and roll parties. If you've been on the fence, like me, for a while you really can't go wrong AND you don't have to worry about batteries -- you can save them for your bedroom toys.   read


1:50 PM on 05.28.2008

Butmac and -D- Confirmed for PAX





SEE YOU ALL IN SEATTLE!   read


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