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Blah Blah Top Five Blah Blah World Cup Blah Blah Soccer

2:45 PM on 06.29.2014 // Jonathan Holmes

Blah Blah Popular Thing Blah Blah Pageviews Blah

[Art by SnowmanEX711]

Everybody's blah blah blah World Cup blah blah blah to celebrate top five blah blah blah soccer videogames blah blah blah.  Blah blah blah piggybacking off Google search result algorithms blah blah blah pandering to the interests of those who are more interested in thing other than videogames? Blah blah blah everyone's talking about it blah blah blah you don't want to be left out blah blah blah popular because it is popular blah blah blah Hamza's gotta eat blah blah blah Sup Holmes starts at 4pm blah.

So with out further blah blah blah, lets blah blah blah do blah blah blah this blah blah blah.

5) Mega Man Soccer

Blah blah blah remember when Capcom was good blah blah blah nostalgia and shared experience with obscure and outdated games blah blah blah. Things were different then blah blah blah why don't they make them like this anymore blah blah blah ironic enthusiasm for a thing that is obvious not that great blah blah blah. 

Blah blah blah lets take it personally that a videogame company no longer makes videogames about a particular videogame character blah blah blah entitled to right to demand that the videogames that suit my particular tastes get made even if those demands would cause a publisher to lose money blah blah blah. If you don't agree with me blah blah blah then you are a bad person. Blah blah blah quaint retro irony charm.

4) Mario Strikers Charged

Blah blah blah Nintendo is in trouble right now blah blah blah Wii U isn't selling that great blah blah blah actually I have no idea how well it's selling because Nintendo doesn't release those numbers blah blah blah but everyone else says it's a failure blah blah blah so they must be right blah. They should have done this blah blah blah they should have done that blah blah blah crossbuy unified account system blah blah blah smartphone or go 3rd party blah blah blah but can they save the Wii U blah?

Blah blah blah Mario Strikers Charged. Blah blah blah should have released it on the Wii U virtual console for $5 blah blah blah why haven't they done this yet blah blah blah Wii was popular because reasons blah blah blah Wii U is not popular because reasons blah blah blah I am better at managing a videogame company than Nintendo blah blah blah Reggie should be fired blah blah blah I should be hired blah.

Get with the times, Granddad. 

3) Inazuma 11

Blah blah blah haven't actually played this game but I have watched lets plays of it so close enough blah blah blah aware of its passionate cult following blah blah blah hoping to seem legitimate and well researched. Japanese Anime blah blah blah righteous indignation that other games in the series haven't been localized yet blah blah blah if they were I wouldn't buy them anyway.

Blah blah blah Japan gets all the cool stuff blah blah blah not having all the videogames that you might want is a terrible hardship blah blah blah assume victim posture because it offers the illusion of empowerment blah blah blah show no appreciation for the things I actually have because appreciation isn't marketable or attention getting. 

2) Rhythm Heaven Gold

Blah blah blah didn't see this one coming did ya blah blah blah forced and inappropriate inclusion blah blah blah fitting for a list which is forced and inappropriate by design blah. It has a soccer ball in it blah blah blah videogames blah blah blah pretty clever, right guys?

Blah blah blah every real gamer has played this game blah blah blah gamer cred blah blah blah videogame hipster blah blah blah pay envy my superior level passion and knowledge regarding a generally disrespected pastime blah blah blah, feign expertise in something so that I can fool myself and others into believing that my life has a sense of meaning and worth.

1) Sega Soccer Slam

Blah blah blah 90's kids blah blah blah nostalgic for a time before they had adult responsibilities blah blah blah rose tinted glasses. Remember Eurkle blah blah blah Sailor Moon blah blah blah Pokemon went downhill after Generation 1 blah blah blah Hamster Dance. 

Blah blah blah more irony blah blah blah more nostalgia blah blah blah more attempts to pander to the shared experiences of a disaffected readership blah blah blah more gamer cred boasting blah blah blah more fashionable resentment towards a long time videogame publisher who hasn't changed in the ways that would best cater to my interest enough.

Bonus) Wacky Boccer videogame glitches

Videogames don't work right sometimes. 

Jonathan Holmes, Bad Joke Uncle
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"Where do dreams end and reality begin? Videogames, I suppose."- Gainax, FLCL Vol. 1 "The beach, the trees, even the clouds in the sky... everything is build from little tiny pieces of stuff. Ju... more   |   staff directory

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