Last year, I took you on a tour of videogames that personally offend me. As you may recall, I used to be what you nerds call a "hardcore gamer." Sure, I played many examples of your interactive softwares, and it was all fun and games -- until I was personally offended by something. Now I want videogames to die.
It's like South Park. That show used to be hilarious until it satirized something I was personally invested in, and now I can't watch an episode without coming up in hives and attempting to vomit my own rib cage. Why can't the media stop personally upsetting me? I wouldn't want to ban things if every form of entertainment was tailored to suit my own unique sensibilities and moral compass.
Unfortunately, that is not the case. Rather than heed my words, the so-called games industry has continued to promote tastelessness and recidivism in place of virtue and total submission to everything I want. With that in mind, it's time to name and shame those offensive games once again, this time with an eye to a banning.
Yes, some games have upset me, and now I want them made illegal! Join me!
Fable II for the Xbox 360 is a perfect example of the kind of immoral garbage that our children are being force-fed, with its sick and grotesque promotion of homosexual relationships. I'm not gay, and the fact that other people are has a negative impact on my life and is totally my business. This is why I am utterly distraught by the fact that gay marriage is advertised and glorified in Fable II. It reminds me that gay people exist, and that causes my hands to shake as I try not to burst into tears and collapse on the floor in a sobbing, twitching heap of pure, unadulterated, abject misery.
Everybody knows that allowing something to happen is exactly the same as promoting it, and that's why Fable II and its creators should burn in Hell. Letting you choose to do something in a game can be nothing short of total endorsement, and is a clear indication that Peter Molyneux is, himself, a homosexual and is trying to lure young boys over to his disgusting cause -- since all homosexuals are also pedophiles, of course.
The lesbian stuff can stay, though. No problem with chicks lezzing off.
Henry Hatsworth in the Puzzling Adventure:
The well-worn script reads like this. A protest group blasts a videogame maker over its latest offensive and evil game loaded with insulting and demeaning stereotypes. The videogame team and its supporters yelp that games are just harmless entertainment, has some racial minorities on the development team, and gets high marks from the industry. We know this scenario by heart, so it could come as no surprise when I tell you this -- Henry Hatsworth is racist against English people.
Obviously, nobody English worked on this game. They say it's not racist, but what else could it be? It features a stereotypical Englishman (modern-day limey), wearing a monocle and drinking tea while having quaint adventures. To the ignorant developers, this may seem like a good lark, but they clearly have not paid sensitive attention to the history and culture of British people, who have been marginalized and trivialized for the sake of entertainment.
Henry Hatsworth in the Puzzling Adventure plays on well-established historical stereotypes and one cannot help but see that it's charged with racial imagery. Speaking as an Englishman, and taking it upon myself to speak for every other English person, regardless of their own opinions, I believe this game should be boycotted for perpetuating untrue and offensive material that exploits the problems of modern Britain in the name of cheap laughs.
We don't all go on quests to search for magical golden hats, you know. Only some of us do that.
God of War III:
I am a Christian, which makes me the most important person in the world, so when I get offended by something, dagnammit, Congress is going to do something about it. This is why I am lobbying the government to do something about Sony's upcoming PlayStation 3 game -- the blasphemous and heretical God of War III.
I will not abide a videogame taking the name of the Lord in vain, and to furthermore imply that our Father (who art in Heaven, by the way) is interested in War. Obviously this game is talking about my Christian God and mocking Him, since He is the only God that exists, and if Sony attempts to imply that this is some other God, well that's even worse. For the Lord did say, "Thou shalt have no other Gods before me, be they of War or otherwise, and if you dare do videogames about them, I'll cut your fucking head off." I'm paraphrasing a little, but it wouldn't be the first time we've twisted God's words to suit our own agendas.
This is almost as bad as the time I tried to get Christian Bale to change his first name. We will prevail, though, America!
Super Smash Bros. Brawl:
Like most people, the welfare of animals is very important to me. This is why my liberal, progressive friends and I were horrified to learn that videogames were cruelly murdering animals for sport. We came across the vile, animal-hating game Super Smash Bros. Brawl, in which a helpless little hedgehog was beaten senseless and slaughtered in some kind of violent ritual.
Killing hedgehogs, over and over again, for entertainment. That's one of the objects of the game. Parents need to know what they are buying their kids. Killing animals should not be a form of entertainment. My own little pet hedgehog, who I've named Peter Rabbit, is sitting right next to my brother as he plays this sick game. My brother won't be killing any hedgehogs after playing Super Smash Bros., but some people might. I have no evidence to back that up, but it sounds kind of scary if you trick yourself into thinking it could happen.
I've been playing games and killing human beings for years, but killing an animal crosses the boundaries of taste and decency. The loss of human life is fine, because they're not all snuggly-wuggly like animals are. In fact, as an animal rights activist, I didn't shed a tear when 9/11 happened, but I had a nervous breakdown when I saw that Free Willy's fin was all floppy from being in captivity.
Star Wars: Battlefront III:
Although this game has not been released yet and I know next to nothing about it, that won't stop me from calling this game the most tasteless title of the year. If ever you needed a dictionary definition of the phrase "too soon," then you need look no further than Star Wars: Battlefront III, a shocking new game from LucasArts that seems to think making fun of one of the most brutal and tragic conflicts in human history, the Star Wars, is perfectly okay in the name of entertainment.
You know what? Real Stormtroopers don't get to just pick up "health packs" and continue shooting. There's no "extra life" for poor Davin Felth. When Greedo was shot, Greedo died, and he didn't shoot first. The Star Wars are a very real and very traumatic set of conflicts which have taken a toll not just on the lives of our soldiers, but of innocent civilians caught in the crossfire. Considering the enormous loss of life in the Star Wars, glorifying it in a video game demonstrates very poor judgment and bad taste.
These horrific events should be confined to the annals of history, not trivialized and rendered for thrill-seekers to play out, over and over again, forevermore. What's worse, it's entirely possible that Imperial families will buy the game, and for them it may prove particularly harrowing. Even worsererer than that, it could end up in the hands of a fanatical young Rebel and incite him to consider some form of retaliation or retribution. He could use it to get worked up and want to really "finish the game."
The movies were fine, because movies aren't an instant glorification like videogames are. What were they thinking?!
Videogames are fun and games, but they're not all fun and games, y'know. I urge you all to pay heed and join in my quest to boycott anything and everything that has personally upset me. You may not think it matters now, but one day someone might do a videogame about something you find distasteful, and then you'll agree with me that freedom of creativity should be limited to people who march in step with prevailing societal demands. Just make sure it's upset me as well, otherwise it'll go against free speech.
What's Up? Our panel at PAX Prime 2014, Far Cry 4, Destiny Beta, Vietnam & a ferret
8:00 PM on 07.25.2014