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Steven Hansen

Ubisoft is sorry photo
Ubisoft is sorry

Ubisoft offers refunds, free games after 'deceptive marketing'

Also an obnoxious non-apology
Oct 12
// Steven Hansen
Promotional materials for Ubisoft's recently released Might & Magic Heroes VII promised a physical, disc copy of the game would be included with the $100 limited edition, as documented in detail on Imgur. As it turns out,...
Indie in Berlin photo
Indie in Berlin

Fired Dead Island 2 devs leave Yager, start indie studio

Plus, hints at super secret project
Oct 12
// Steven Hansen
Three Yager (Spec Ops: The Line, Dead Island 2) developers have left the company to go indie as inbetweengames. This is a few months after publisher Deep Silver dropped Yager as the developer on Dead Island 2, just a few mon...
Halo 5 microtransactions photo
Halo 5 microtransactions

Halo 5 is almost out, so 343's getting busy defending microtransactions

Oct 12
// Steven Hansen
"It's not pay-to-win," "you can get everything in-game without paying," "balance," "oral doesn't count as sex." Every time a game with microtransactions is about to release -- especially if it's a big 'ol game like Halo 5 -- ...
Broken Arrow photo
Broken Arrow

Call of Duty: Black Ops III unlocks all campaign levels from start

'Unlocking level system is [archaic]'
Oct 12
// Steven Hansen
If the (expected) seven hours it takes to finish Call of Duty: Black Ops III's single-player campaign is too much of a time commitment, note that you can just skip right on to the end of the game. (And if you're on PS3 or 360...

America the bootyful photo
America the bootyful

Your tax dollars at work! Official United States Army game out of two year beta

America's Army: Proving Grounds
Oct 12
// Steven Hansen
America's Army: Proving Grounds, the official game of the United States Army. Ahem. The official game of the United States Army. Official game of the United States Army. Official game of the United States Army. Is out of beta...
Star Citizen photo
Star Citizen

$92 million space game gets Luke Skywalker, more Hollywood actors

Story mode cast, latest gameplay
Oct 12
// Steven Hansen
Star Citizen, the massively crowd-funded, ambitious space game, has seen a rough patch this year of missed release windows and a more recent lawsuit threats against a media outlet, but there's also a video game in developmen...
Sports games are funny photo
Sports games are funny

NBA 2K: Jerk Kobe, teammates smacking each other, and the best dance moves

I could go for some jerked kobe
Oct 12
// Steven Hansen
NBA 2K16's been out for a while now and since both baseball season and football season are already over and there's nothing to watch, here is a collection of things people have shared from NBA 2K16 that have amused me over the past two weeks. Here's a cheeky, old man Kobe stealing a high five.
Los Angeles tax Dodgers photo
Los Angeles tax Dodgers

Minecraft streamer buys $4.9 million mansion near Notch's

Hollywooooood...Hollywood swinging!
Oct 11
// Steven Hansen
It may pale in comparison to the $70 million mansion Notch outbid Jay-Z and Beyonce on (spending G's indeed), but YouTube video maker Jordan "CaptainSparklez" Maron just bought himself a $4.5 million house in the Hollywood Hi...
Feature-complete photo

Two years later Gran Turismo 6 finally gets track editor

Separate app
Sep 30
// Steven Hansen
Nearly two years after release, Gran Turismo 6 has added its course maker to the game. GTPlanet has details on the course maker, which released as a separate iOS/Android app. After designing on the app -- you can have much mo...
MGSV save bug photo
MGSV save bug

New Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain save-killing bug affecting PS4 users

If you use multiple SEN accounts
Sep 30
// Steven Hansen
Given that no one reads the overbearing startup messages for Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain, let me point out a worthwhile one. Konami has identified "cases" of a new progress-killing bug affecting PlayStation 4 users. ...
Project Big photo
The original Project Big pitch video
This is an early animation test for Uncharted's Nathan Drake wherein he looks much more like a YouTube celebrity, a version of Sunset Overdrive's lead who missed the punk-by-way-of-Blink-182 phase, than the classically rugged...

Phantom Pain spoilers? photo
Phantom Pain spoilers?

Metal Gear Solid V has a real bad bird problem

Fun with mods
Sep 29
// Steven Hansen
Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain got a PC release. Thus, the above. Also that puppy D-Dog swap.
Virtual reality photo
Virtual reality

Oculus Rift will be 'at least $300'

Higher end of previous price range
Sep 29
// Steven Hansen
Forget possible implementation and motion sickness: the hill to climb for VR acceptance is paying hundreds of dollars for a goofy ass pair of goggles. It's not like smart phones, where increased functionality was mapped on to...
Fun with glitches photo
Fun with glitches

Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 5 is buggy junk, even with the huge patch

Don't buy it, maybe
Sep 29
// Steven Hansen
Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 5 is out today. The game is 4.6GB and there's a 7.7GB day one patch. It didn't help, if this video, captured by Eurogamer in just an hour's worth of play (with the patch), is any indication. The game launched today and Chris is working on the review. It does not look good.
Xbox One bundle photo
Xbox One bundle

Next Xbox One holiday bundle goes nostalgic

Gears of Capitalism
Sep 29
// Steven Hansen
Microsoft is announcing one new Xbox One bundle every day this week, starting with yesterday's Rise of the Tomb Raider set, which is only available in Best Buy and Microsoft stores, at least in the US. Next is the Xbox One 1T...
Hitman delay photo
Hitman delay

Delayed Hitman out March 11, rest of the game in April, May and June

Staggered release
Sep 29
// Steven Hansen
Hitman is releasing on PC, PS4, and Xbox One, unfinished, on March 11 after being delayed from its December launch. It was always going to release unfinished, though, by design. The Hitman website explains. March 11's launch ...
Bloodplat photo

Sony rewards Bloodborne platinum trophies with custom theme

In Europe
Sep 28
// Steven Hansen
Are you a bad enough snood that you spent hundreds of hours getting the platinum trophy in Bloodborne? Well, if you're in Europe, Sony is rewarding your efforts by sending out emails containing codes for an exclusive PlayStat...
Metal Gear Solid V photo
Metal Gear Solid V

Phantom Pain Hardcore mod ups Metal Gear Solid's difficulty

Big Boss Extreme
Sep 28
// Steven Hansen
Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain is real accommodating. That's not to say there aren't bouts of frustrating mission failures and humiliating chicken hat offers, but all things considered (even without the time-slowing Reflex mode), it is way more forgiving than past Metal Gear and other stealth games. Almost too easy. This TTP Hardcore Mod does the following:
Hot Pokemon ass photo
I know it's innocent, butt...
Just because you call it the "Hip Pop Parade" doesn't mean you're not selling a load of hot Poké ass. Starting October 10, Pokémon Center stores will be selling limited, butt-centric goods featuring Pikachu, Pip...

No more motion sick photo
No more motion sick

Valve: If VR makes you sick, it's the developer's fault

Blame the carpenter, not the tools
Sep 28
// Steven Hansen
Fear of motion sickness and living room ruining vomit is one of the sticking points surrounding the definitely-happening-and-not-at-all-actually-unlikely VR revolution. And while I kind of dislike the relative sensory depriva...

Cities: Skylines After Dark exposes the sexlessness of being an incompetent planner

Sep 28 // Steven Hansen
[embed]312756:60532:0[/embed] 17:28 I dragged one of our cat trees -- the one with the abandoned dumbbells weighing it down -- and set a pillow in front of it so I could sit in the middle of the living room, closer to the TV. I do not have my contacts in or the energy to put my contacts in. I am sitting on an inflatable, portable seat one might take to sit on bleachers in a stadium and my lower half is wrapped in a throw blanket. My feet tap at the entertainment center and I worry I will turn the Xbox One on. Fuck. I actually just turned the Xbox One on. This isn't even even a joke (not unlike much of my humor). I started writing fearing I’d forget whatever fevered nonsense was my dreamt-up angle and I just kicked the fucking thing on. Jesus. I am a slightly less put-together city planner than whomever drew up the East Coast. 17:36 The newsfeed in the new "After Dark"-tinged menu reads: "Problems Loading/Creating Cities? Click Here for the Solution!" After turning the Xbox on I am anticipating problems and feel like preemptively asking for the solution. 17:38 All my strength is going towards not choosing the "Diamond Coast" map for a new game because its "Suitable area for building" is 69%. I already can’t figure out which map best represents Tokyo or remember what "boreal" means. Google tells me. Google also tells me Diamond Coast is a place in Ireland, which I bet is a lot like Japan, so that’s why I have picked it after all (and not for the 69). 17:43 Oh my god the tutorial text is so small. 17:45 Building roads and also not drawing penises with the roads, a good start. 17:49 Oh god, not only are there curved roads, but there are elevated roads. This has become roller coaster tycoon. This is not like Japan at all. I have built an enormous ramp to nowhere, to the end of the known world. Oh god, there are tunnels, too? I tried to connect a tunnel to the outside world but it’s just a half-mile dead end under the outlying freeway. And it connects to a giant series of roads in my town. I thought this would work. 17:55 It’s nighttime now and it looks very ominous. The people are wanting for every single basic necessity: power, water, waste treatment, internet, a fancy cheese shop. It is a miracle they found their way into town at all. The elevated road to nowhere is lit up, dotted on both side with street lamps, but they are not plugged in, there is no power grid. They must be getting power by much more arcane means. 18:06 Japan is clean and forward thinking. I erected a wind turbine. A water pumping station and sewage treatment plant sit on the fraction of coast I have available, far from the inept roads and angry citizens. I think I correctly put the waste dumping bit down stream so as to not feed them poop. The water pipes and those two facilities make an amateurish rhombus. Nighttime again and the wind turbine glows in the distance away from civilization next to...palm trees? I do not think Ireland has palm trees and I do no think that Tokyo has palm trees, but my childhood home in San Francisco did have a giant palm tree in the backyard. Things don’t always make sense. My citizen’s thirst and high-maintenance demand for electricity sated, I zoom into this mess to hear dogs barking and birds chirping. It almost resembles a suburb, just drawn up by a child with limited spatial awareness and even less Lego blocks. The "needs" bubbles hovering atop each household look like guns. No, citizens. You are supposed to be Japan, not America. Cease this gun lust. 18:13 Those were not cartoon guns; they were sewage pipes. I have messed up the sewage. Peoples' homes are filled with shit. 18:21 I fixed it. I forgot to supply power to the sewage treatment plant. Unfortunately by the time I did it was in the most roundabout possible way and I ran out of money. I do not know what is more ominous: 1) the game’s zoomed-out soundtrack or 2) the din of suburbia when you zoom into multi-level blue homes and the lives of little people who don’t know their lives are being governed by an idiot who turned the Xbox on with his foot and has a quarter-mile, below-ground tunnel leading to a dead end. The streets look like the Windows 3D pipes animated screen saver or a badly played game of Snake. 18:29 The sound design in this game is terrifying. The commercial district is a roar of trucks and storefront shutters. The yakisoba joint advertises "tasty noodles" but that is a lie. It has no water running to it as I have run out of money. The game is warning me of bankruptcy. It offers me a $50,000 bailout with 0% interest, 0 monthly cost. If only real life would be so kind. I reject it. I would rather let my citizens suffer than accept charity. 18:42 I tried to continue the road to nowhere and bring it down into a new industrial sector and, good lord, look. Cars are driving up it now and doing impossible 180 degree turns and I feel ill. 18:51 I have reached a population of 500. I am a "Little Hamlet," in that I too am poisoned by inefficacy and unable to avenge Tokyo by making it in this video game. My state is rotten. 18:53 I consider building a hospital across from two landfills. 20:01 Someone has died. I have built my first cemetery. I bleed money. I have taken as many loans as possible. I cannot seem to build enough firehouses. My city burns. Businesses demand more educated workers. It asks to build public transport, but I am poor. I raise taxes and people riot. My city of 3,500 does not have the glorious neon of Tokyo. The endless high rises and suffocating streets and touts and steep stairwells. My citizens tweet hashtags unironically, like morons. 20:12 I build a cemetery (for real this time; the bodies must have been rotting) and hundreds of green smiley faces erupt from local residences. Same. My city of 5,000 is a far cry from Tokyo's 13.35 million. And, as evidenced, I am not so competent to tell you how dramatic things like setting different daytime and nighttime budgets for utilities go on to affect your success. Really, I don't think Cities has ever been too challenging, as it has twice now accommodated my complete lack of forethought and neighborhood building by way of penciling in the margins and connecting with carets and arrows. But the day and night cycle itself is quite beautiful and the additions like prisons, taxis, bus terminals, bikers, and international airports all work towards making a more robust simulator helping you build whatever nightmare town your heart desires. Me, I'm going to dip into the mod sections and recreate High Planes Drifter.
After Dark impressions photo
More like 'shitty planning'
And here I thought being a public official would get me laid. It turns out any clout built up by being the sole city planner gets et up when the citizens' homes are filled with sewage because of your incompetence. Having just...

Secret South Park game photo
Secret South Park game

Unreleased, unfinished South Park game discovered on old Xbox

They killed Kenny lol
Sep 28
// Steven Hansen
Back in August a Nintendo Age forum mod bought an original Xbox developer kit with a never-released South Park video game recently put through its paces by HappyConsoleGamer. The open world game features all of the potty-mou...
Fallout 4 file size photo
Fallout 4 file size

Fallout 4 is just over 28GB on Xbox One

Hard drives...hard drives never change
Sep 28
// Steven Hansen
There ain't so much room on these newfangled "next gen" consoles after two years' worth of games up in 40GB territory. The expansive Fallout 4 won't be too much of a size hog, according to the official Xbox One store, which c...
Tactical Nokia Action photo
Tactical Nokia Action

Snake? Snake! is Snake but with Metal Gear Snakes

Tactical Nokia Action
Sep 28
// Steven Hansen
Grab a friend (or brother!). Snake? Snake! is competitive Snake starring Solid and Liquid Snakes. The rules are slightly different from the cellphone game you remember. There is a taunt button. Matches last 30 seconds. You ca...
U2 Rock Band additions photo
U2 Rock Band additions

U2 song forced onto your iPhone is now coming to Rock Band

Only band with two tracks
Sep 28
// Steven Hansen
Harmonix has announced two new songs for Rock Band 4 through its official Twitter account. They are both U2 jams. "Cedarwood Road" from the group's debut and "I Will Follow" from 2014's Songs of Innocence, which I assume peo...
Weird 3DS sale photo
Weird 3DS sale

After five years, Nintendo discounts an uneven list of 3DS games

Games for cheap you might not want?
Sep 28
// Steven Hansen
Nintendo games age somewhere in between a wine and a new car. We keep getting older and they just stay the same (price). The exception is in the "Nintendo Selects" line, which takes games that have already sold very well and ...

Tokyo Game Show 2015 games of the (tokyo game) show

Sep 25 // Steven Hansen
[embed]311262:60422:0[/embed] Metal Gear Online (Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain) The Phantom Pain came out not even a month ago and it is just the start. We've not even seen the full brunt of the push-back to early glowing reviews. I've only reached the "first ending" myself. There's a lot to unpack, digest and though we are already full Metal Gear Online is still homing in next month like a chocolate mousse impaled by a Stinger.  That the online component makes you feel like an NPC, that you can feel the hilarious shame of getting knocked out, strung up, and ripped off the battlefield like a tooth tied to a slamming door is cool. It is online competitive multiplayer with just about the full gamut of single-player options and all those idiosyncrasies add up to a unique feeling competitive game just as they did for the single-player. Couple it with some one-life, no-respawn modes and, yes, Metal Gear Online is Metal Gear, online. Runners-up: Gravity Rush Remastered, Super Rude Bear, Monster Hunter Stories, Phantasy Star Online 2, Street Fighter V.
Big in Japan photo
Big in Japan
Like a kidney stone through the urethra of my life, another Tokyo Game Show has passed. We saw some great things in Japan: katsudon, vape stores, attempted park fights, coming at the king, and video games. Some of those video...

World of Final Fantasy photo
World of Final Fantasy

New World of Final Fantasy screens something something cactuar!

Children's game for PS4 and Vita
Sep 25
// Steven Hansen
Hello my fine feathered friends. It's Friday here in the Americas, that most holy of days wherein the Pope hangs around, apparently, and we all pretend to work, pretend to not be on the precipice of total collapse, for just a...
No Call of Duty campaign photo
No Call of Duty campaign

New Call of Duty doesn't include campaign on PS3, 360

Black Ops 3 pared down on last gen
Sep 25
// Steven Hansen
The PlayStation 4 and Xbox One have already been out for two years but still games as whopping and recent as Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain have been releasing on the "last generation" of systems. The same goes for pere...
Mario movie photo
Mario movie

Miyamoto calls John Leguizamo handsome, says Mario Bros. have to be twins

'Interested' in another movie
Sep 24
// Steven Hansen
I already know John Leguizamo and his inability to smile are handsome. It's just nice to hear Miyamoto say it. MTV International asked Shigeru Miyamoto and Takashi "Ten Ten" Tezuka who would be right for a theoretical Super ...

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