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Bill Zoeker

Bill Zoeker photo
Bill Zoeker

This isn't 'goodbye,' it's 'smell ya later'

I am returning to the ghost realm oooOOOOooOOOoo
Mar 31
// Bill Zoeker
Hey folks, I'll keep this brief. I'm sorry to say, effective immediately, my role as video handeyman here at Destructoid is coming to an end. It may not come as a huge surprise, as I've kind of faded into the background this...
He's really the Prince of All Jerks
I was surprised to find myself given the opportunity to interview Christopher Sabat; the founder of voice over studio, Okratron500, and the voice actor for Vegeta, and many other Dragon Ball characters. I've been a huge Drag...

Disclosure photo

I hope this video satisfies your desire for disclosure

It does satisfy my need for NITRO-FUELED MAYHEM
Jan 26
// Bill Zoeker
Here's the full triple-scoop disclosure bottom line. Alessandro and I went to cover this preview event for The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt last week. I was late to be added to the list, so we knew going in that we'd have to sh...

I unboxed the New 3DS XL and tickled its sensitive nub

Jan 15 // Bill Zoeker
The device itself is sexy. Shiny and smooth, but with a nice subtle texture. After recording this video, I gnashed my genitals against it, achieving exceptional erotic satisfaction. You can't prove I didn't. There are a few changes in design that immediately screamed of improvement to me. The volume slider is now located on the left side of the screen panel, hopefully eliminating the problem of accidentally nudging it to maximum and letting everybody on the bus know you're taint-deep in Style Savvy: Trendsetters. The slot for the game cartridge has also been moved to the southern edge of the handheld portion of the system, hopefully reducing premature ejections. However, I think it sucks this new edition still lacks any sort of latch or cover to prevent the cart from being loosed by a minimal, accidental nudge. There will be a more thorough analysis of the New Nintendo 3DS hardware coming to you by Chris Carter soon. In the meantime, enjoy looking at my hands. [Disclosure Notice: The subject of this post was received and demonstrated at a Nintendo-hosted event in San Francisco. I feel like the event started a little earlier than it needed to, but they had Dim Sum and pizza, so that was pretty cool. Below is a picture of the Dim Sum I ate.]
New 3DS impressions photo
Cue people being mad because I think something could be better
After a Nintendo press event yesterday, I was sent home with a review unit of the New Nintendo 3DS XL. I figured it would be a good idea to record my opening of it so that I could share my trademarked cynical indignation wit...

Joylancer photo
I might steal the uncle's joke, I have to admit
Jed's back with more of his ride through Joylancer: Legendary Motor Knight. Jed relates a story of his uncle's lame, perv-y jokes at Thanksgiving, admits he's lost his passion for collectibles, and just straight up forgets everything that's happened so far.

Joylancer photo
Get it? Like a B-hole
We have heard your cries for more beard, and they are not going unanswered. Today the second part of Jed conquering Joylancer is available for your quivering senses. So, feast your eyes on this Game Boy Color-esque hack 'n' slash adventure, while the beard commentates with his joyful lance in hand.

Joylancer photo
Get your motor runnin'
Jed's back with another retro-style indie game. Joylancer: Legendary Motor Knight puts players in an old school side-scrolling hack 'n' slash with Game Boy Color graphical sensibilities. Jed got to revving up his motorized lance and just absorbed the good vibrations.

A lot of our decisions are made because we got too drunk
A little while ago, Max and I were bribed with booze by Devolver Digital to play Titan Souls, an upcoming monster-slaying action game. We got so drunk during our stream of the game, that I'm not even going to link the video ...

Binding of Isaac photo
Who beats off on paper? Werewolves. That's who.
Max and I started playing The Binding of Isaac: Rebirth because it's a good-ass game, and we like to do gaming. Max has actually never played any iteration of Binding of Isaac before, so I let him go first, knowing that I'd only have to wait a few minutes before my turn.

Assassin's Creed photo
"Oi, Guv! Did you nick my Vichyssoise?!"
Max and I are still working our way through the first hour of Assassin's Creed: Unity. I really like re-watching this part of our playthrough because every time I do, I see a new NPC twitching or jostling around. Also, we made jokes about reality television and stuff. 

Assassin's Creed photo
What if AssCreed existed in a world were the developers could finish it
Max and I were fighting to stay awake through the beginning of Assassin's Creed Unity, and Max posited a theory that many Ubisoft published games exist in the same universe. Then we saw a fancy boy and a pig and at least had something to joke about for a while.

Call of Duty photo
Leave the Diet Coke by the door next time
Max and I were trudging along in Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare, when I shared a gut feeling that Kevin Spacey is not a very nice person. Max proceeded to share a story related by an ex-girlfriend, who had her adoration of Spacey crushed by that rude, kissy man.

Assassin's Creed photo
From boring to broken in just 10 minutes
Oh boy... Max and I jumped into Assassin's Creed Unity. Max started out cautiously excited at what this new iteration might bring, while I have never been at all interested in the series. It's not long before both of our sentiments landed at the same astonished disappointment. Trust me, it only gets uglier from here.

Call of Duty photo
Call of Duty

While playing CoD: Advanced Warfare, we posit that Nintendo hates condoms

Condamned if you do, condamned if you don't
Nov 13
// Bill Zoeker
We're now reaching the point in our Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare play session where Max thinks critically about the game's narrative mechanics and then we talk about condoms for like five minutes.
Call of Duty photo
Press 'Gun' to boner
Max and I were playing Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare while hungover, and started devolving into dumber and dumber jokes, and then Max busts out a term like "jingoistic proto-fascism" because we're a couple of San Francisco hipsters who definitely don't have informed, individually refined opinions about things because the world is a vampire and everything is fake.

Call of Duty photo
I like to shred 'crete on the reg
Max and I continue to fumble around in Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare, as our minds wander to some predictably stupid places. We talk about meeting an imaginary teen named Stephan at the skate park, how to find "The Boob," and aggravatingly stupid YouTube comments.

Call of Duty photo
Now Golden Girls, on the other hand...
Max and I continue giving the benefit of the doubt to Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare. Max started talking about a crazy theory he has connecting the television shows Gilmore Girls and Californication because his brain was polluted by a combination of oysters and vodka. Don't do booze, kids.

Max and I got our hands on a copy of Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare. We figured we should probably play it because people like to watch men get sweaty in videogames or whatever. Anyway, we recorded this the day after Max's birthday, so we were both pretty hungover, which served to exacerbate our lack of shooter skill and the incoherence of our jokes. Enjoy.

Here's how Halo: Combat Evolved's PC multiplayer looks on Xbox One

Nov 08 // Bill Zoeker
As a little bonus, here's a dumb joke video I made with some of the other footage I captured. [embed]283620:56263:0[/embed]  
I swear to God, if anyone is confused by that headline...
At a recent Xbox event, I got to play a bunch of multiplayer stuff in Halo: The Master Chief Collection. I was caught off guard when we were suddenly dropped into the online multiplayer for Halo: Combat Evolved's PC version,...

Shadow Warrior photo
That's humanization, homie
Max and I wrap up our dip into Shadow Warrior on PS4. We make weird sex noises, talk about Bone Thugz-N-Harmony, and, I, as always, end up declaring I want to watch Demolition Man.

Shadow Warrior photo
A peek behind the curtain
As we forge on in Shadow Warrior on PS4, Max makes the mistake of letting me play for a bit. Then I ran all the way down the nearby streets and discovers some weird canopied cities filled with inactive robots at the end of the road. And now I have Boyz II Men stuck in my head.

Shadow Warrior photo
Phil Collins was a close guess, right guys?... guys?
Max and I continue our rampage through Shadow Warrior on PS4. We try to figure out who wrote the song "Sledgehammer," and discover the in-game arcade machines. We also decided that everything was made out of raspberry jam.

Something about demons or whatever
Max and I continue our journey through Shadow Warrior on PS4. We get really confused as to what was going on, so we finally turned on the subtitles. In doing so, we also discover the special weapon skins, including a badass Hotline Miami katana.


We're doing a drunken livestream of Titan Souls

Hopefully the booze will dull the pain of repeated failure
Oct 29
// Bill Zoeker
[Disclosure: This stream is sponsored by Devolver Digital in as far as they sent us a build of the game and a couple of strong beers and novelty tankards with which to drink them. Our live commentary will be influenced only b...
Shadow Warrior photo
Huh-huh... "Wang"
Max and I decided to check out Shadow Warrior, which was recently ported from PC to consoles, is a re-imagining of the 1997 game by 3D Realms. It's sort of like Duke Nukem with the culturally ignorant Asian themes of Mortal Kombat. I had my doubts about this game, but as you can see in the video above, I think it's kind of just dumb fun. Also, we rock out to Stan Bush and make dumb jokes.

What I want from Borderlands 3

Oct 28 // Bill Zoeker
Other than, like, it being announced
[WARNING: This video contains MAJOR SPOILERS for Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel] I finished the story mode in Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel the other day which subtly teases what we might be seeing in Borderlands 3. It got me real excited, and seeing as I'm a big old Borderlands nerd; I couldn't help but postulate on what Borderlands 3 might be like... if it ever gets made.

8 things right and 8 things wrong with Smash Bros. Wii U

Oct 27 // Bill Zoeker
Don't get mad! I like the game!
I recently got my hands on Super Smash Bros. For Nintendo Wii U, and holy Bowser babies, are there a lot of new and expanded features! In fact, there is so much new stuff that I could hardly cover it all, so instead I am sharing my boiled-down list of the 8 most interesting things that I think Nintendo has done well for Smash U, and the 8 things I think could use some work.

Don't do bongs, kids
We're reaching the end of our stupid drunken 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand stream, and not getting any more coherent. We shared our tales of drinking tequila in a basement with actual real-world videogame publisher, Devolver Di...

But I'd rather not find out
In this segment of our drunken 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand stream, I think we're mostly just getting drowsy. Max talks about the evolution of Eminem and I yell at my roommate for texting me about laundry during the stream.

Why is 'Ninja Mystery' a space shooter?
Max and I are really getting goofy on Bacardi and Vitamin Water in this portion of our live playthrough of 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand. We discover an awesome arcade cabinet called Ninja Mystery in the game. We also talk abou...

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