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Flower: Separating the Men from the Boys


Feb 18
// Eliza Gauger
One of the most excruciating moments in the life of any gamer is handing the controller to a friend, your face swollen with the joy of pure playfulness, and having your entire life ruined as your buddy clamps down on the cont...
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Left 4 Bed: Post-Valentine Priapism


Feb 16
// Eliza Gauger
Offworlder Joel Johnson spotted this over in the Bay Area Craigslist personals while cruising for a "casual encounter".  You know: bowling shirts, some brewskis, couple games of Fumble the Crumble (peach). FRWA...

Breaking: Goonfleet stomps Band of Brothers in biggest EVE takedown ever

Feb 05 // Eliza Gauger
Said corp is of course joining GoonSwarm. When EVE goes down for nighty maintenance, BoB loses sovereignty over every system they have. They're finished, unless CCP bails them out and rolls back the servers. [As of the maintenance this morning,] CCP has yet to issue an official statement, but it appears that they are letting it stand. BoB [sovereignty (in-game clout)] dropped with downtime as expected - and CCP allowed an in-game news story to be published covering the story. If they intended to intervene they would have squashed the story until they could decide how to proceed. Meanwhile, the Northern Coalition, GoonSwarm, and everybody else are racing south to participate in the biggest land grab in EVE history. No direct contradictions to the Goon story have emerged thus far, it appears that they really did do what they said they did. That's a before/after map of the BoB regions, showing the sov changes. Word on the street is that the NC is going to wipe BoB from Delve. Morsus Mihi is pretty fired up from when BoB invaded them over the last few months, and they were already aligned with the Goons against BoB. So I think it's likely that BoB's former assets, corps and allies will be put to the sword in short order. So in real-life terms, what does this mean? You can buy game time cards with real money, and trade those for ISK. The exchange rate is around 10 million ISK to the dollar. It's hard to say exactly how much was stolen with any sort of authority. We know [GoonSwarm] stole at least 30 billion isk in capital ships (from the screenshot Mittani released) plus another 13-15 billion in liquid isk, plus an unknown number of ships and modules on top of that. That's only what we know of for sure. However, the greater cost will be in under-construction supercapital ships. You cannot build titans and motherships without sovereign space. When they lost sov, those jobs were put on hold until they can regain their sov. If they can't regain it, they will lose those ships. We have no way of knowing how many ships were under construction, but if they lost even one Titan in this way... well, Titans have an estimated value of around $5,645 US. [source] Gentlemen, I am floored. I want you to see this for what it is: not only is this an act of griefing on a truly epic scale, but we’re living in an age where the pew-pew noises of kids playing astronaut on the internet have far-reaching consequences. Can you smell that? That sort of eau du ozone, rubber, and dust? That smell is the goddamn future, friends. We are, all of us, finally living in the world our grandfathers wrote pulp novels about. Enjoy the show. there is no bob~~~ [EVE Online Forums] (first official Goon claim of victory, notable in that it begins “hello! i am a mitten, a mighty SPACE TYRANT~, i focus my space tyranny on the v. important job of being 1. warm 2. fuzzy”) Breaking: EVE Online Goonfleet Espionage Leads to Largest Corporation Takeover in History [ShackNews] MP3 of a goon telling the whole story on VentriloIRC log of BoB HQ during the fall [Kugutsumen] Rumor: Band of Brothers breaks apart in EVE, GoonSwarm responsible [Massively] GoonSwarm [EVEwiki]
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In the most balls-out act of deep space espionage in the 21st century, GoonSwarm, EVE Online’s in-game Something Awful forum contingent, has finally defeated their arch enemies, absolute rulers of the game universe, Ban...

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Ghostbusters 3: Snot Ropes, Pepto Rivers, and Singed Marshmallow


Jan 29
// Eliza Gauger
The buzz on the two new Ghostbusters games has been decidedly low on Dtoid.  Earlier today, in serious gastrointestinal distress, I was finally blessed with the leisure to slog through the December Game Informer, which h...

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A Weighted Companion Cube of your very own: "in time for Christmas"


Oct 17
// Eliza Gauger
If you've played Portal, the Weighted Companion Cube is a memory that will make you flinch, weep, giggle, or a combination of all three.  Possibly while becoming aroused.  THAT scene in the game, and you know which ...
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Happy Monkey Island Music Day!


Oct 13
// Eliza Gauger
 Monkey Island Music day has been celebrated every year since Joystiq began the tradition on October 13th of last year.  Immediately afterwards it was picked up by Ron Gilbert and Kotaku.  With such a long and illustrious history, I would be remiss in letting this noble day slide by without an appropriate playlist. 
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A review of Halo 3.


Oct 13
// Eliza Gauger
It’s been several days since I completed Halo 3’s co-op campaign.  Reviews by other writers say that this was the least successful part of the game, and that multiplayer is where the thing really shines. ...
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Bethesda spits on your fancy cityboy talk in Fallout 3


Sep 29
// Eliza Gauger
I really, truly, honestly meant to post this many weeks ago, so forgive me, but I've searched the archives and found no mention of it.  Aeropause reports (with a consternation that I share) that Fallout 3 might be too mu...
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Clive Barker's Jericho demon demo downloadable a day early


Sep 26
// Eliza Gauger
Hot off the presses, and by that I mean the Something Awful forums, is the news that the Jericho demo is a day early on Filefront and Gamespot. Jericho appealed to me because of its demonic time-traveling squad mechanic, alth...
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TGS 2007: Wring my sweatrag, Fight Club twink... it's Duel Love DS!


Sep 24
// Eliza Gauger
  Allow me to present some real life, over-the-shoulder, excruciatingly imported and edited on an entirely underpowered machine, demo footage of Duel Love for the Nintendo DS.At the Tecmo party, Flynn DeMarco of GayGame...
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TGS 2007: the Ministry of Mystic Machines


Sep 21
// Eliza Gauger
 EDIT:  You all seem very puzzled!  As much as I enjoy your hurt and confusion, allow me to 'splain.  This video is, as far as I am able to speculate, a demo reel for a fighting game that is based on an a...
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TGS 2007: The Diverting History of Mechanical Fellows


Sep 21
// Eliza Gauger
Kentia Hall is the infamous vault one can find behind and between the normal passageways at E3.  From descriptions by various E3 attendees over the years, I have gathered that Kentia is mostly regarded as a sad little de...

Interactive Friction: Lovecraftian abortions resurrected as text-adventure games

Sep 08 // Eliza Gauger
Far be it from me to criticize this particular genre too harshly, seeing as I am occasionally employed as a cover artist (recognize the goblins?) by one of the leading interactive fiction studios, but I have never been much of a textual gamer.  I readily admit to an Alice-in-Wonderlandian restlessness when presented with pictureless games, and favor my PSP over my DS primarily for reasons of graphics.  And so it was with trepidation that I undertook a couple minigames from the Commonplace Book Project.  I started with the website's most highly-acclaimed game, Dead Cities.  The game was built around a Commonplace entry that read "An impression - city in peril - dead city - equestrian statue - men in closed room - clattering of hooves heard from outside - marvel disclosed on looking out - doubtful ending." One time I picked my nose and was rewarded with a better plot outline than that, but I digress.The absolute worst part of any text adventure game is the absence of a DWIM button.  DWIM stands for Do What I Mean, and is usually overcome in the context of other genres by sheer firepower.  Interactive fiction demands that you conform exactly to your script.  The better the game, the more script branches have been set up for you.  In the case of Dead Cities, everything I typed was met with stubborn misunderstanding, confusion, or was entirely ignored as the game marched on, with or without my participation.Wood-Panelled HallwayThe entranceway to the house, leading from the front door past the wooden stairs to the closed heavy oak door at the end. Various doors lead off on either side, with a long handrail running between them - clearly someone infirm has lived here long enough to adapt the place to their needs.The rain continues outside unabated. Aside from your coat, you brought scant other possessions worth listing.The maid follows you inside, wiping water off her face with her apron.> BITCH, GET ME A TOWELYou seem to want to talk to someone, but I can’t see whom.Admittedly I was a little irritated at this point.  I wanted to explore the nuance of the game, not be led around by the nose.  I'm sorry I lost my temper; it won't happen again.  Ahem: > MAID, GET ME A TOWEL“I’m sure he’ll be very pleased to see you,” the maid replies.What?> MAID, I WANT A GODDAMNED TOWELYou don’t have anything to say.I bloody well do!The maid slams the front door behind you, shutting out the rain. “Nasty weather,” she complains. “Plays havoc with my teeth.”> YOUR TEETH ARE HORRIBLE, OLD WOMAN  Years later, after I had sat through an actual exchange in which the old man in question made me type through searching about seven different places in the room for a book that he was sitting on, and then actually type "NEXT PAGE" several times in order to read the fucking thing, weird shit started to happen outside and I jumped through the window (like you do).  The old man was already out there in a hail of gravel, being slowly beaten to a pulp.  In an attempt to get some sense out of the old bat, I: > HIT ARKWRIGHTYou wrap your fingers around his throat and begin to squeeze. The old man’s eyes light up with the sharpest flame for just a second and then begin to fizzle away, much like the rain has evaporated into stone. As he falls, so does darkest night, the heaviest cloud. The hail beats at your body like a drummer’s stick; you cling to the dead body in your hands for longer than you need to. Arkwright is quite dead, but as he predicted the world continues. The stone does not stop. You turn to flee, feeling a growing cold from inside your belly. A lack of action. A pause.    *** The End *** What?  Did I type STRANGLE or even KILL?  How dare you.  How dare you. Disheartened, I moved on to Ecdysis: Ecdysis is based on idea #221 of the Commonplace Book:  “Insects or other entities from space attack and penetrate a man’s head and cause him to remember alien and exotic things–possible displacement of personality.”Jackpot!> EAT LARVAWhich larva do you mean, the small larva, or the large larva?> EAT SMALL LARVAYou grab the small larva and twist it, shake it, and smash it against the walls of the tunnel until it stops moving. Then you consume the creature, tearing it apart with your jaws and powerful tentacles. Viscera runs down your face. Finally you crack open its braincase, to get at the soft brain parts, which you consume with relish.The other larva thrashes helplessly back and forth, unable to escape, forced to watch you devour its broodmate. Now we're cooking with Lovecraft!  I would post more, but I frankly don't want to spoil it for you. Ecdysis is highly recommended.  There are multiple endings, the parser seems to have a sense of humor, and the writing and pacing is far superior to Dead Cities.  Give it a shot.The Commonplace Book Project [Illuminated Lantern Publishing]As an aside, if any of you are in the Bay Area tonight, I am having an art show opening in Berkeley (Blow Salon, 2112 Berkeley Way).  Even if you're not big on art, I can guarantee the catering will be damn good.  Stop by and say hello, and see what I do when I'm not cellotaped to the underside of Niero's desk.  
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Howard Phillip Lovecraft, who should need no introduction, kept a list of ideas.  As far as I am aware, all writers (and most artists) do this in one form or another.  I constantly struggle to keep my list compounde...

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Nocturnal Omissions: art game trailer forgets to be interesting (surprise)


Sep 03
// Eliza Gauger
   WHOOPS: the trailer isn't loading.  Troubleshooting now... A link to this trailer for the game “Night Journey” was sent to Ectomo a few days ago, by faithful Ectomite, kid icarus. Paraphras...
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The quiet genius of Steve Purcell


Aug 29
// Eliza Gauger
If you thought I was done relating uncomfortable anecdotes from San Diego Comic-Con, you would be wrong.Sometime after my humiliation at the LucasArts booth (to which I subjected myself for the Cause), I found myself strollin...
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Insanely Twisted Shadow Planet, from Michel Gagné, just looks lovely


Aug 27
// Eliza Gauger
 From the French artist and animator who brought us Insanely Twisted Rabbits and the Saga of Rex comes this preview for his newest project, an indie shooter due out in 2008.  No word yet on what platform this will r...
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The unbearable disappointments of being a gamer.


Aug 24
// Eliza Gauger
There may be one or two of you who followed my salivating obsession leading up to the release of the PS2 survival horror game, Rule of Rose.  Flynn DeMarco from GayGamer and I (then at Kotaku) would paint each other's to...
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Games are not supposed to be fun


Aug 03
// Eliza Gauger
This comes from a tip dropped over on Ectomo: a post on gaming blog Yahuda that challenges the universally-held notion that the primary, and perhaps sole purpose of games is to be fun.Games are not supposed to be anything. Ga...
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They promised us lightsabers


Aug 01
// Eliza Gauger
Friday, my only day at San Diego Comic-Con.  I contracted necrotizing fasciitis from the Slave Labor Graphics booth during that evening, and so had to be airlifted out that night, but adventures were plentiful during my ...
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Goblin Urine vs. Robot War: Overlord and Earth Defense Force


Jul 30
// Eliza Gauger
Dawn over San Diego: thousands of undesirables file into queue on hot bricks, the muzzy sun making the sweat pool in their fright wigs, ooze down their squinting faces and finally down the backs of their Tifa bodices, their S...
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Gauger Frozen Treats: Betrayal and Candor


Jul 24
// Eliza Gauger
Gather close and listen, o ye sons of men, o ye prodigal daughters, o mine long lost droogs: to hell with Florian Eckhardt.We had a deal.  It’s always been about solidarity.  Whether he was lambasting my BBW s...

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