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Architects of Torment: the anatomy of an awful licensed game photo

Think back: what's the most awful game you've ever played? Regardless of when exactly you leapt headlong into gaming, chances are that your answer will be based on some movie or television license -- or music, if you were ever unfortunate enough to encounter Revolution X. Licensed games have historically sucked, and not in that "oh, it's kinda flawed" sort of way; games based on preexisting properties have been eternally hexed to suck -- the track record, as you're no doubt already aware, seems proof enough.

I have a theory: somewhere in Acclaim's basement is an infernal contraption, a devil's machine, which one can use to convert an existing intellectual property into cash money. The mechanics behind this machine are unknown to all who behold it, a great and terrifying black box -- instead, all we can do is look at what products the machine pumped out and try to reverse-engineer the processes by which these horrible, horrible things came to be. To this end, I endured a full day of awful circa 1988-1992 licensed games, picked them down to their barest essentials, just to report my findings to you. Because sure, not all licensed games are tripe, but most of 'em certainly are.

Abandon all hope, Dtoid faithful, and hit the jump to learn the secrets behind gaming history's worst licensed games.

So, you're a game developer who has recently acquired a license to a hot movie, cartoon, breakfast cereal, or courtroom drama property. First, congratulations! You'll be happy to note that most of the hard work has been done for you -- thanks to the magic of Branding™, your audience comes pre-assembled and your title is guaranteed to at least make back as much money as you've funneled into your project.

To get the most out of your $8,000 budget, I've compiled a list of some helpful rules-of-thumb on making your licensed game soar. Not to say you need them or anything -- I'm sure this'll be the finest Barbie title to grace the plates of 8-year-old girls everywhere -- but we take care of our own in the licensed games racket. Stick close to these Three Cardinal Rules of License Development and you can do no wrong. Happy hunting!

Rule #1: Use everything you can possibly conceive of to slaughter the player.

Making a game too easy is just asking for a customer to try and return your game, so be sure to work in plenty of deathtraps and dangerous objects careening around the stage to ensure incalculable odds of survival. If the licensed property's universe doesn't provide a suitable environment to torment your player, just improvise. Anything can be dangerous if it flies through the air at high enough speeds, after all.

Once you get over your fear of the limitations of the physical realm, the possibilities are endless: fire hydrants that grow arms and teeth for no apparent reason and attack; clams left on the sidewalk that deal mortal wounds just by touching you; even flying tacos that fart hydrogen bombs on the hero. Even if such a terrifying schism in reality wasn't necessarily a part of the Law and Order television show, it's certainly kosher to work it into Law and Order: Brisco's Fantasy Vacation 2.

Oh, and that black thing under Dirty Harry in the picture above? It's a Goddamn snake.

See also: Total Recall (NES) assaulted the player with a world in which every moving object not only damaged you, but also threw objects at you that damaged you. Wayne's World (NES) was awful in every way a game can possibly be awful, but particularly for this reason.

Exception: Konami's TMNT4 (SNES) made it very clear what could hurt you (foot soldiers, robots) and what couldn't (pizza, sidewalks), making it an exceptionally enjoyable title that could be completed within a matter of hours. Shameful.

Rule #2: Pimping a difficult license? Think outside the box. Better yet, ignore the box entirely.

So you've just landed a big-name license, but it doesn't really fit with the platformer genre which is hip with the kids these days, what with their Nintendos and Marios and such. Creating some sort of direct lift of the original property won't work as a video game, especially if you've landed a license on An Inconvenient Truth or The Miracle Worker. What's a developer like Ocean, Titus Games, LJN or THQ to do? Easy: make shit up.

Take a send-up like Blues Brothers on the SNES, pictured above. If you're surprised that there was ever a Blues Brothers game, you're probably not half as surprised as the poor saps who had to create the game. Jake and Elwood do little (if any) jumping throughout the film, and at no point are they ever prompted to collect and hurl any number of floating, spinning records. That's not a game -- are there any spike pits in the movie? No? Screw it, let's use them anyway. The platforms too, and suspend some records in the air as well. Man, I feel better. Don't you feel better?

This is the sort of dedication to a product that really inspires the hearts of developers everywhere -- no matter how difficult the adaptation process might be, you sally forth, ignoring common sense at every step of the way. And why not add to the film canon while you do it? Sure, Marty McFly might not have had to dodge flying fish, bubbles, and weird mask-things while bounding across a deadly crevasse in Back to the Future II, but you know something? He fucking should have. 

See also: Beethoven's 2nd (SNES), a title created for the express purpose of discrediting anyone who would dare insist that a game based on a horrible movie dog looking for his puppies could possibly be fun.

Exception: ICOM's Sherlock Holmes: Consulting Detective (SCD), which plays exactly the way Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's books read, and is therefore just as boring.

Rule #3: If all else fails, punish your customers. It's their fault if they can't enjoy your opus, anyway.

Maybe your attempts at creating a game to capitalize on a hot property have all turned up bunk. No matter how bad your product is, remember: it must ship, and it must ship on time. If your crapometer is leaning a little too deep in the red, you might as well just crank things into overdrive and get it done as quickly as possible -- timing is important with a licensed game, after all. Who cares if it's crap? It's merchandise, people! Get crackin'!

Take a game like Bebe's Kids (SNES), based on the movie of same name that was savagely raped by critics and public movie-goers alike. That's a losing battle even before it starts -- if nobody wants to see a crappy animated flick, what chance is there that they'd want to play a crappy game based upon it? The developers at Mandingo -- seriously, that was their name -- abandoned all hope of quality product and decided instead to make one of the most awful games in the history of the industry. And the only way we know this is because some of us played it, which means some of us bought it, which means some revenue was actually generated by Bebe's Kids.  

No matter how horrible your product might initially appear, take heart: the magic of merchandising and Branding™ ensure that a few thousand people will buy your horrible game if only for the name on the box. Don't believe me? Go dig a hole or two in New Mexico and get back to me.

See Also: Jaws (NES), Total Recall (NES), Home Alone (SNES), every Ren and Stimpy  game ever made (Various), Yo Noid! (NES), Nickelodeon GUTS (SNES). These games are so terrible, to even speak their names aloud invokes a cloud of locusts that explode into boiling acid as they swarm around your face. Don't even try it.

Exceptions: There are exceptions?

Now that you too know what a truly great (awful) licensed game can be, it falls upon you to make it happen. Go get that degree in Library Science you've always aimed for, take up a programming job at a hole-in-the-wall mobile gaming studio, and get to coding. Who cares if you don't know how? These games sell themselves, people!

 








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56 comments | showing # 1 to 50
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next 50 comments

World Famous's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/14/2007 20:42
World Famous
Bebe's Kids FTW. Sadly, crappy licensed games will never go away. The allure of gold is too much to pass up for big-time publishers.
ExpertPenguin's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/14/2007 20:56
ExpertPenguin
Dude...I actually HAD that Blues Brothers game. Reading about it just made the midi theme song play over in my head, among other symptoms such as vomiting, headache, and irritable bowel syndrome.

dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN-dun...
jimjo's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/14/2007 21:03
jimjo
you forgot to mention the greatest license of them all, platoon for the c64. That was by far the worst game since E.T.(eddie torres, the extra testicle!)
Creamsnake's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/14/2007 21:06
Creamsnake
Aaron Linde: you are the man! I'm really glad you got Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure in there.

Also try:
Conan (NES)
Cliffhanger (NES)
Cool World (NES)
Hudson Hawk (NES)
BeetleJuice (NES)
Captain Planet And The Planeteers (NES)
Any Addams Family game...

Oh please tell me someone else has played Back to the Future III for Genesis.
Aaron Mxy Yost's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/14/2007 21:10
Aaron Mxy Yost
No mention of the Home Improvement game where you fought dinosaurs with a nail gun?
tazarthayoot's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/14/2007 21:12
tazarthayoot
I sat here trying to come up with something condescending and witty, but I couldn't.

Well done article, Linde.
Aaron Linde's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/14/2007 21:12
Aaron Linde
Mxyzptlk, you asshole. I totally forgot about that one. Holy fucking shit.
tazarthayoot's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/14/2007 21:13
tazarthayoot
Mxy you know about too many games.
Aaron Mxy Yost's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/14/2007 21:21
Aaron Mxy Yost
I am a fountain of useless knowledge.
tazarthayoot's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/14/2007 21:23
tazarthayoot
I owned both the Smurfs and the Flintstones games.

Smurfs had flowers killing you. It's hard out there for a smurf.
J03yyz's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/14/2007 21:34
J03yyz
i got waynes world (SNES) for christmas one year.
it was horrible, but the cut scenes featured top 10s and garth looking like a wierd old man at one point...
AND
the last boss was the purple gelatenous cube from zantar (or zoltar, i dont remember)
nademagnet's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/14/2007 21:35
nademagnet
If only the licenses would fall into the hands of people who geniually love the IP.

Chronicles of Ridick was great. Some of the Lord of the Rings games are damn good. And the origional Batman game back on the NES was grrrreat! Sadly these are just a hang full of good examples amongst piles and piles of pure crap.
Creamsnake's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/14/2007 21:37
Creamsnake
Also try:

Garfield (NES)
Goonies 2 (NES)
Gremlins 2 (NES) Damn... I actually owned that one.
Gilligan's Island (NES)
Street Fighter 2010 (NES) Does that count? I think so.
Swamp Thing (NES)
The Three Stooges (NES)
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (NES)

I see you've played Yo Noid!... I feel your pain.

How about Street Fighter The Movie: The Game?
BahamutZero's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/14/2007 21:51
BahamutZero
the SNES beavis and butthead game(s)
ChrisFurniss's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/14/2007 21:58
ChrisFurniss
i liked yo noid. sniff.
Rezbit's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/14/2007 21:59
Rezbit
*Falls over, enters into fetal position, shudders*

Thanks for the memories.
king3vbo's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/14/2007 22:16
king3vbo
wait Animaniacs was a licensed game for SNES and it was good....
Creamsnake's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/14/2007 22:22
Creamsnake

Wait... I think I remember that episode.
Colette Bennett's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/14/2007 22:26
Colette Bennett
Friday the 13th for NES. My mind is still blown by how bad that game was.
tazarthayoot's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/14/2007 22:26
tazarthayoot
Animaniacs recently had a Gamecube game, too.
Joseph Leray's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/14/2007 22:35
Joseph Leray
Aladdin was an excellent licensed game, and don't you forget it!
bobtpooner's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/14/2007 23:06
bobtpooner
Cool Spot was a surprisingly good game. Most of the Simpsons games were awful, as was the South Park FPS for the N64, The Three Stooges game had a level where Curly had to get a clam out of his chowder. Beauty and the Beast for the SNES had something like four levels. I never got past the first level (Night of a million zillion ninjas) of The Tick, it went on for at least half an hour without changing. Marsupilami had an awful game, Back to the Future was notoriously awful. It seems like these were all I played as a child.
deanhatescoffee's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/14/2007 23:07
deanhatescoffee
I agree with Orcist - Aladdin was a really fun game, as was The Lion King (SNES versions, at least).
Wedge's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 00:00
Wedge
Capcom rox licensed games. I think they made some of the good Micky games back in the day, along with Aladdin.
10BobMarleys's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 00:35
10BobMarleys
Yeah, Mickey Mouse in the Castle of Illusion on Master System was purdy kewl, and more recntly, the Scarface game was surprisingly good. Just goes to show, not every licensed title has to be a friday the 13th
dr_faulk's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 01:01
dr_faulk
I only noticed yesterday that Pirates of the Caribbean had gone Platinum. Ooooh sux 2 b dummmmmb!

Anyway, forget licenced games. Most are shit and you're really only splitting hairs. Honestly, Red Steel is the worst game I've ever played. I love my Wii, I like a lot of stuff that Ubisoft do, and despite the hype, I went into Red Steel (a) expecting not much and (b) willing to forgive its every fault. I was *blown away* by how shoddy it was, and really, it was almost unplayable.

Oh, yeah, it was based on a movie or something, so my arguement still counts! =P
Ham Vagina's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 02:13
Ham Vagina
@ExpertPenguin

My fiance has irritible bowel syndrome. I fully expect you to retract your hateful IBS comments.
Bob Muir's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 02:25
Bob Muir
First bad licensed game I bought: Dragonball Z: Legacy of Goku (GBA).

Last bad licensed game I bought: Dragonball Z: Legacy of Goku (GBA).

I learned fast.
jimjo's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 03:08
jimjo
@hamgina

He said it gave him ibs, not ibs is for losers, which it is along with crohn's.
Justice's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 03:21
Justice
Haha I was playing Bebe's kids a few months ago
Utter Crap
Also I agree with the smurf game that wsas funny

What about Rugrats on the GBC? Slowly moving cars could destroy your life in that game.
arkracer's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 04:24
arkracer
I notice most of these games are for 'Old Skool' systems - are you, shock horror, trying to imply that licensed games have... Gotten better?
van's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 05:24
van
Jim Henson's Muppets, anyone?
twentythoughts's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 06:28
twentythoughts
Konami stuck with the platform game formula for the most part, but they had some really good ones. Tiny Toons for the SNES, for instance, is still one of the better platformers out there, and it actually made an effort to stick true to the license. A bunch of meta humor in there. And, man. The train level!

These days, developers are starting to realize they can't just do random shit with the beloved franchises out there. So they make the games "side stories", thus allowing them to do random shit with the beloved franchises out there. See: Pretty much any Disney movie game recently (Nightmare Before Christmas: Oogie's Revenge, the Little Chicken game, Meet The Whateversons).
subnet6's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 08:32
subnet6
Enter the Matrix

Holy Shit that one was bad.

Great writeup Linde!
Aaron Mxy Yost's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 09:57
Aaron Mxy Yost
@ twentythoughts:

Man, that SNES Tiny Toons game was great! Hopefully that will eventually make it's way to the VC along with the Capcom Disney games.
realyst's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 10:51
realyst
Judge Dread on the SNES(the one based on the Stallone film). Still gives me nightmares.

I own ET but noly because I like owning something so terrible as to be buried alive for all of eternity. Not like I would actually play it.

Though I was massively surprised. I know someone who remembers ET with fondness and actually enjoyed and 'finished' it. I'm trying to petition to have his cerebrum dissected in the name of science.
Boris Lugosi's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 11:02
Boris Lugosi
Good Licensed Games:
Cool Spot,
Aladdin (SNES and Genesis versions were completely different and BOTH were good, wow!)
Hook (SNES, Does anyone remember this? fantastic)
Batman (NES)
Tiny Toons: Buster Busts Loose

I don't know if I agree about Animaniacs being a good game, though it's definitely not in the worsts. Any other goodies?
Other bad ones were Dick Tracy, Nightmare on Elm St, and Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (although everyone seemed keen to suffer through Roger Rabbit. I think they at least tried on that one.)
Boris Lugosi's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 11:03
Boris Lugosi
Realyst: My mom enjoyed and completed ET, and I couldn't, so that remains a rift in our relationship.
Sir Depressive's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 11:06
Sir Depressive
I like how your examples are from NES-SNES era. So, today the devs learned on their mistakes?
Really, this article is about nothing. The rules are too generic (2 of them apply to non-licensed games as well), there are no recent examples, and Blues Brothers was a fun Chip & Dale hack.
realyst's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 11:46
realyst
@Boris Lugosi

It boggles the mind, don't it? I figure it's the same strange neurological divot that causes sadomasochistic tendencies in some people.
RestingSound's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 11:56
RestingSound
Sir Depressive and arkracer, RTFA "To this end, I endured a full day of circa 1988-1992 licensed games, picked them down to their barest essentials, just to report my findings to you."

Nice article Linde
Aaron Linde's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 12:10
Aaron Linde
Sir Depressive, I was writing about the mechanics common amongst particularly horrible video games in the NES/SNES era. I didn't want to create a OMG TOP FIVE WORST LISCENSDED GAMEZ ^_^ list.

And Blues Brothers was a horrible, horrible game and the word "fun" should never be associated with it.
cowboydan's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 12:22
cowboydan
Anyone play Ghostbusters on the NES? Total exception to these rules. I still remember the theme music, it is tatooed in my brain. This game was wicked hard, but very fun too.
Sir Depressive's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 13:23
Sir Depressive
Aaron, that doesn't invalidate my claim that your rules are too generic.
Also, does that narrow scope mean that we should wait for "Licensed games: still suck"?
Speaking of Blues Brothers, actually I played mine on PC. Is the SNES version worse?
Aaron Linde's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 13:33
Aaron Linde
Yes, they're crass generalizations.

http://www.m-w.com/dictionary/satire
Sir Depressive's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 14:10
Sir Depressive
Anyway, you punished yourself.
Bombsiteus's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 14:29
Bombsiteus
ghostbusters for the NES, a good game ARE YOU KIDDING ME? (I created an account just to say that) and to show you this http://www.gametrailers.com/player.php?id=17324&type=mov

Creamsnake's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 15:54
Creamsnake
@cowboydan:

Ghostbuster for NES? Fun? No... NO! Just... NO!!!

God... DAMN IT!

I respect your opinion though. :^)
Wootex's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 16:07
Wootex
The Intro Movie to Waynes World for the Snes was so awesome. Wayne and Garth ran through a list of the worst games they played this week, completely oblivious to the fact that their game is one of the worst games anyone has ever played. Not only that, it also featured digitized "extreme close-ups". Classic Crap.

Speaking of crap, Yo-Noid for the NES wasn't, it's actually a decent game.
Creamsnake's Avatar - Comment posted on 04/15/2007 18:49
Creamsnake
Tsk, tsk.. No one is familiar with Last Action Hero for SNES. That game is worse than Ghostbusters.
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