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All aboard the Velvet Express! (hint: it's a sex game) photo

While at the office today, Niero remarked to me "We got a postcard from the Netherlands!" Assuming it was from a faraway Dtoider, we both settled down to have a closer look. It wasn't until we broke the seal that we realized it wasn't a friendly greeting from the land of clogs, but SICK FILTH disguised as a PC game advertisement.

Artmunk, the creators behind the surefire masterpiece The Velvet Express, describe the game as "the next step in virtual erotic entertainment" and claim that realtime physics and countless sexual positions combine to present a rocking gaming experience. Whether or not one handed play has been enabled was not mentioned in the illicit postcard.

Apparently this digital smut takes place in the 1930's on an old-fashioned rail train. For $29.99, you can purchase a copy in the privacy of your own home and avoid the messy embarassment that comes with facing a real cashier. Pretty clever. Of course, the contents of the card itself weren't too shabby, either. Niero wanted to check it out in more detail, but I marched straight out of the office to dispose of it. Made a pit stop at the bathroom, in fact, where I type this report from the sanctity of a private stall. To fap.


LAUNCH GALLERY (3 IMAGES)
Photo Photo Photo
 

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36 comments | showing # 1 to 36

Mxyzptlk's Avatar
Mxyzptlk at 09/08/2008 17:39
If it doesn't have this, I'm not interested:

mix's Avatar
mix at 09/08/2008 17:42
I didn't know girls could....could....fap....MOMMY!

*runs and cries*

You pretty much sold it to me and I have NO idea what this game is event about, besides someone who has a gruge against pimps as they seem the most likely to don this so called Velvet material.
Samit Sarkar's Avatar
Samit Sarkar at 09/08/2008 17:43
LOL! I love you guys.
Pedro Blandino's Avatar
Pedro Blandino at 09/08/2008 17:45
1930's on an old-fashioned rail train
fucking win! now my erotic novels and finally be played out on a game!
grabs his Debit card*
KMCC's Avatar
KMCC at 09/08/2008 17:52
"Velvet Express" is a hilarious name for an erotic game.
MechaMonkey's Avatar
MechaMonkey at 09/08/2008 17:52
So would you call it a sex game on rails?
Pedro Blandino's Avatar
Pedro Blandino at 09/08/2008 17:59
I DEMAND A WII PORT NAOW!
Stella Wong's Avatar
Stella Wong at 09/08/2008 17:59
I lol'ed at these pictures you guys.
aaronf's Avatar
aaronf at 09/08/2008 18:03
@Pedro Blandino:

A Wii port would be awesome! Imagine all the waggling you would do.
NihonTiger90's Avatar
NihonTiger90 at 09/08/2008 18:05
@Mxy: Tazar's in this game? o.O
Dexter345's Avatar
Dexter345 at 09/08/2008 18:15
I demand a review. I don't think Jim will complain.
The Amazing Shenazin's Avatar
The Amazing Shenazin at 09/08/2008 18:20
hmmmm I am intrigued

pics plz, preferably UNCUT
pendelton21's Avatar
pendelton21 at 09/08/2008 18:24
I came.
Palidi's Avatar
Palidi at 09/08/2008 18:26
Fap?

Fap, Fap.

Fap!

REVIEW IT, NAO!!! Lotz o pics pl0x.
mix's Avatar
mix at 09/08/2008 18:35
I just read the top header and realized that this was not that Velvet assasain game.....my bad
Professor Pew's Avatar
Professor Pew at 09/08/2008 18:37
I hope it comes with a Dutch dub. So sexy.
king3vbo's Avatar
king3vbo at 09/08/2008 18:42
MOUSTACHE
Danmartigan's Avatar
Danmartigan at 09/08/2008 18:47
did someone ask for a MOUSTACHE??
randombullseye's Avatar
randombullseye at 09/08/2008 18:51
IT AINT FINAL FIGHT.
yourfriendawk's Avatar
yourfriendawk at 09/08/2008 18:53
i just bought my ticket
Wexx's Avatar
Wexx at 09/08/2008 19:03
o_o
Altair78's Avatar
Altair78 at 09/08/2008 19:13
Well, funny enough, I went to try to find pics and came across the other game these peeps made... LoveChess. Battle chess with sex positions.

People need to make more quality games like these. I'm so down for Love-opoly.
superflossy's Avatar
superflossy at 09/08/2008 19:14
teehee, that first pic of niero is so cute! he almost looks like he's reading a children's book... except that it's pron. heehee.
Aziel13's Avatar
Aziel13 at 09/08/2008 19:19
LOL! WUT
Blind assassin's Avatar
Blind assassin at 09/08/2008 19:38
People make these things in places other than Japan?
Brandon Undead's Avatar
Brandon Undead at 09/08/2008 20:44
The 1930's!?

There will be muff fur everywhere!!!
Technophile's Avatar
Technophile at 09/08/2008 20:46
@Danmartigan

The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life, and poisons the earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the gun shoots death, and purifies the earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth and kill!
Ravana's Avatar
Ravana at 09/08/2008 21:00
I want...just because I've got the Wii condoms on and have not touched my Wii in ages..nor has anyone else...I'm going to go preemptively cry in my room, now.
Bioautographical's Avatar
Bioautographical at 09/08/2008 21:15
The Dutch seriously need the blood of Jesus.
infinity's Avatar
infinity at 09/08/2008 21:49
lol secks.
guermogamer's Avatar
guermogamer at 09/08/2008 21:57
hawt... sexual chess
TrailerParkJesus's Avatar
TrailerParkJesus at 09/08/2008 22:10
1930's smut? So... ankles?

I'm down.
Ghil's Avatar
Ghil at 09/08/2008 23:05
what the...I actually took the time to check their website. Made me laugh for a good twenty minutes. ah, those graphics! :p
GohanGVO's Avatar
GohanGVO at 09/08/2008 23:56
Fuck it, I'm fappin
Knives's Avatar
Knives at 09/09/2008 02:47
Is Mr. Destructoid getting an appearance on it?
hood_954's Avatar
hood_954 at 09/09/2008 22:30
@Mecha Monkey
I C WUT U DID THAR!
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