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All aboard the Velvet Express! (hint: it's a sex game) photo

While at the office today, Niero remarked to me "We got a postcard from the Netherlands!" Assuming it was from a faraway Dtoider, we both settled down to have a closer look. It wasn't until we broke the seal that we realized it wasn't a friendly greeting from the land of clogs, but SICK FILTH disguised as a PC game advertisement.

Artmunk, the creators behind the surefire masterpiece The Velvet Express, describe the game as "the next step in virtual erotic entertainment" and claim that realtime physics and countless sexual positions combine to present a rocking gaming experience. Whether or not one handed play has been enabled was not mentioned in the illicit postcard.

Apparently this digital smut takes place in the 1930's on an old-fashioned rail train. For $29.99, you can purchase a copy in the privacy of your own home and avoid the messy embarassment that comes with facing a real cashier. Pretty clever. Of course, the contents of the card itself weren't too shabby, either. Niero wanted to check it out in more detail, but I marched straight out of the office to dispose of it. Made a pit stop at the bathroom, in fact, where I type this report from the sanctity of a private stall. To fap.


LAUNCH GALLERY (3 IMAGES)
Photo Photo Photo
 

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36 comments | showing # 1 to 36

Mxyzptlk's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 17:39
Mxyzptlk
If it doesn't have this, I'm not interested:

mix's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 17:42
mix
I didn't know girls could....could....fap....MOMMY!

*runs and cries*

You pretty much sold it to me and I have NO idea what this game is event about, besides someone who has a gruge against pimps as they seem the most likely to don this so called Velvet material.
Samit Sarkar's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 17:43
Samit Sarkar
LOL! I love you guys.
Pedro Blandino's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 17:45
Pedro Blandino
1930's on an old-fashioned rail train
fucking win! now my erotic novels and finally be played out on a game!
grabs his Debit card*
KMCC's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 17:52
KMCC
"Velvet Express" is a hilarious name for an erotic game.
MechaMonkey's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 17:52
MechaMonkey
So would you call it a sex game on rails?
Pedro Blandino's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 17:59
Pedro Blandino
I DEMAND A WII PORT NAOW!
Stella Wong's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 17:59
Stella Wong
I lol'ed at these pictures you guys.
aaronf's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 18:03
aaronf
@Pedro Blandino:

A Wii port would be awesome! Imagine all the waggling you would do.
NihonTiger90's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 18:05
NihonTiger90
@Mxy: Tazar's in this game? o.O
Dexter345's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 18:15
Dexter345
I demand a review. I don't think Jim will complain.
The Amazing Shenazin's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 18:20
The Amazing Shenazin
hmmmm I am intrigued

pics plz, preferably UNCUT
pendelton21's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 18:24
pendelton21
I came.
Palidi's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 18:26
Palidi
Fap?

Fap, Fap.

Fap!

REVIEW IT, NAO!!! Lotz o pics pl0x.
mix's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 18:35
mix
I just read the top header and realized that this was not that Velvet assasain game.....my bad
Professor Pew's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 18:37
Professor Pew
I hope it comes with a Dutch dub. So sexy.
king3vbo's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 18:42
king3vbo
MOUSTACHE
Danmartigan's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 18:47
Danmartigan
did someone ask for a MOUSTACHE??
randombullseye's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 18:51
randombullseye
IT AINT FINAL FIGHT.
yourfriendawk's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 18:53
yourfriendawk
i just bought my ticket
Wexx's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 19:03
Wexx
o_o
Altair78's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 19:13
Altair78
Well, funny enough, I went to try to find pics and came across the other game these peeps made... LoveChess. Battle chess with sex positions.

People need to make more quality games like these. I'm so down for Love-opoly.
superflossy's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 19:14
superflossy
teehee, that first pic of niero is so cute! he almost looks like he's reading a children's book... except that it's pron. heehee.
Aziel13's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 19:19
Aziel13
LOL! WUT
Blind assassin's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 19:38
Blind assassin
People make these things in places other than Japan?
Brandon Undead's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 20:44
Brandon Undead
The 1930's!?

There will be muff fur everywhere!!!
Technophile's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 20:46
Technophile
@Danmartigan

The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life, and poisons the earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the gun shoots death, and purifies the earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth and kill!
Ravana's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 21:00
Ravana
I want...just because I've got the Wii condoms on and have not touched my Wii in ages..nor has anyone else...I'm going to go preemptively cry in my room, now.
Bioautographical's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 21:15
Bioautographical
The Dutch seriously need the blood of Jesus.
infinity's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 21:49
infinity
lol secks.
guermogamer's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 21:57
guermogamer
hawt... sexual chess
TrailerParkJesus's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 22:10
TrailerParkJesus
1930's smut? So... ankles?

I'm down.
Ghil's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 23:05
Ghil
what the...I actually took the time to check their website. Made me laugh for a good twenty minutes. ah, those graphics! :p
GohanGVO's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 23:56
GohanGVO
Fuck it, I'm fappin
Knives's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/09/2008 02:47
Knives
Is Mr. Destructoid getting an appearance on it?
hood_954's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/09/2008 22:30
hood_954
@Mecha Monkey
I C WUT U DID THAR!
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