It doesn't matter. You don't get any. You get SO GOD DAMN CLOSE LIKE 5 TIMES but it never happens.

Thus it came to pass that Bonan of the Cummerians walked upon the lands of Bi-whoria. As he gazed into the far stretches of the earth where the sun touched the vast ocean, his trusty witch Colette spoke to him: "You must thrust forward with epic girth, Conan. To the wizard Cock-Anon, you must go."

Bonan was still rattled from his recent betryal at the hands of Cumbatha, and seemed ill at ease. "Ssssh, relax first, my Bonan", Colette spoke softly. "Let me take away the stress of a decade of battle on the bloodstained fields of Farsquirthia".

At the mention of these words, Bonan recalled the seemingly endless battles on those fields. The fleshly rain of a thousand maidens was enough to drive any man mad, let alone Bonan. In any other circumstance he would have resisted the temptations of that day, but as it came to pass, he had just devoured a Trousersnake who filled his testosterone bar to maximum for an hour.

Fueled by hormones and one hour of infinite stamina, he had cut through the enemy armies just as he had dishonored the Slave army of the evil Queen Sybian: with cock and balls. With his faithful weapons Buk-Akxe and Hehn-Thay, he claimed victory over every battle up to this point.

"You are drifting away to vile memories, love", Colette whispered to Bonan as she slowly moved her hands from massaging his manly shoulders to his chest. Softly fondling his moobs, she yipped like a chocobo in heat as she saw that Bonan's moobs could actually lactate! Out of the moobly nipples, a sweet ambrosia spilled over the boundary where flesh meets air. But what was this? One stream of the sticky liquid spilled into the air itself and took a form... the form of a Chadian dolphin!

"What madness is this?", she thought to herself. For some reason, the dolphin was graced by the perpetual smile of a teenage boy who just finished his first night at the Bi-whorian capital's Temple of 69 Pleasures.

Even stranger, another stream formed the striking image of a mechanical shark. For some odd reason, it sang to Colette to suck his dick. Beastmastery had become a primary skill for her after spending her youthful years of desire at the Cockobo farm. It was there that she learned the secret rituals of riding the black Cockobo. It was true what they had said: the black one was better than the gold one.

Ok I guess I'll stop now.

BONAN! THE ADVENTURER!
BONAN! WARRIOR WITHOUT FEAR!

@AngelsDontBurn: YES! I loved that show.

Also, this is a prime example as to why I find most porn more hilarious than sexy in any way, shape, or form. I'd be way too busy laughing to maintain an erection.

AngelsDontBurn takes away today's Nostalgia Award.

Also, Evan Stone is the greatest thespian of our time.

DO WANT

That is 200% less boning than I was expecting, kupo.

Conan, what is best in life?

To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to have porn based on your MMORPG.

No, we need God of Whores. Your title sucks.

Yes, that's Johnny Depp. Looks different without the make-up, doesn't he?

the words 'twin hellfire cannons' come to mind

lol evan stone

LOL, sweet. When do we get the Starcraft porno?

bonan fan fic... oh why. why...