Welcome to Achievement Unlocked. It's a new thing, kind of like the old Achievementoid. We'll still be bringing you the hottest Achievement/Trophy Buzz, but let’s be honest – in-game rewards are only cool if developers take their time to make them challenging, humorous, or contextually important. The problem with new Achievements or Trophies is that they get leaked before the majority of people can play the game. In the end, you’re only reading a block of text imagining how awesome the reward will be.

We’re changing all of that. From now on we’ll be detailing the latest Achievements ourselves – and we’re going to need your help. It’s simple. Inside of the break I’ll grab the subject of the new Achievement and make up what I think it means. You’ll do the same in the comments. Who can make up the best Achievement text? We’ll see.

This week we’ll be hitting up The Maw, X-Blades, Left 4 Dead, Prince of Persia, and Lord of the Rings: Conquest. What do we have up our sleeves? Check it out.

The Maw is a pretty slick looking Xbox Live Arcade title developed by Twisted Pixel. Nick had a chance to talk to the game’s chief creative officer Josh Bear a few months ago. One of the things that Bear stressed was that the game would offer a “retail-quality” experience to consumers. I don’t know about retail-quality, but I did notice that the game not only has a great visual style, but it also appears to have some solid platforming elements.

You’re totally MAWESOME! (20)

Get inside of a giant worm’s mouth and cut out four of his teeth before it sinks an entire city. Swimming in blood not a necessity.

X-Blades is a game featuring chicks in thongs kicking ass. The last time I checked out a trailer for the game I saw a half-nude chick talking to a crystal ball while a wolf howled behind her. I didn’t bother watching the rest because quite simply, that’s all I need to know when determining whether or not to purchase a game. You know, the half-nude thing. Not the wolf. Anyway, here’s a random Achievement that I saw for the game:

It’s hard to be a good girl (50)

Successfully turn the game on, play for 10 minutes and resist the urge to return it to GameStop.

By now I think we’ve all played Left 4 Dead, but I still haven’t gotten all the Achievements for it. After I played through the first campaign and earned a few hundred points, I’ve been dry. Since I’m curious, but too lazy to check on the dashboard, I thought I would pick an Achievement to analyze.

What Are You Trying to Prove? (35)

Make it through an entire cooperative campaign without yelling “Hunter” or bitching that the team is leaving you behind.

I just picked up Prince of Persia this afternoon. I heard it was completely terrible and quite possibly the worst game ever created. After a few hours, I only have one complaint – combat. The game needs more killing things. Also, I was having a hell of a time finding the Boomerang and Compass in the Ice Dungeon.

Secret (80)

Duct-tape Elika’s mouth shut. Silence is bliss.

Pandemic’s Lord of the Rings: Conquest is looking hot if you enjoy Peter Jackson’s take on the LOTR universe. It’s a game that will operate much like Star Wars: Battlefront. Players will take part in epic confrontations and hack down countless orcs, humans, dwarves, trolls, and even rangers. That’s right, in Conquest you can be either the master of Sauron’s forces or join Frodo and his wimpy comrades. The game is due in January, and more importantly, will feature Oliphaunts.

Eagle Eyes (Bronze Trophy)

Stab Legolas in the eye. Preferably both.

(Now, it’s your turn. Make up your own Achievements, do these, or grab another. The objective is to have fun and outdo each other. Go crazy.)

[via Xbox360Achievements and PS3Trophies]