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slow news day

Movie of the year? photo
Movie of the year?

Liam Neeson and Stephen Colbert star in Candy Crush: The Movie

Taken it to microtransactions
Nov 11
// Jed Whitaker
Stephen Colbert continues his streak of being super video game friendly by creating Candy Crush: The Movie starring himself and Liam Neeson (best known for sci-fi classic Krull and the Taken trilogy). The clip star...
Greatness masturbates photo
Greatness masturbates

Don't masturbate in public to PS4 displays

The Wii U is sexier
Nov 09
// Jed Whitaker
Security camera footage of an unknown man having a wank in front of a PlayStation 4 display has been leaked online, and now here it is for you to watch, if you're into that kind of thing. You won't see much skin, so no worri...
Shirley Curry is a star photo
Shirley Curry is a star

Watch a 79-year-old grandmother play Skyrim, and have your heart warmed

She reminds me of my grandma so much!
Sep 19
// Jed Whitaker
Grandma Shirley, aka Shirley Curry, is a 79-year-old grandmother who "just had a beast of a gaming computer built," allowing her to "play like a Boss! LOL" according to her description on her YouTube channel. Shirley's first...
Assassin's Creed ZING! photo
Assassin's Creed ZING!

Portland bookstore has sick Assassin's Creed burn

Turns out the books work on launch day
Aug 06
// Jed Whitaker
Long-time reader, first-time tipper and professional stand-up comedian Sarah Maywalt sent me the picture above that she took in the Powell's Books, an independent bookstore in Portland, Oregon.  Powell's reminds us that ...

What games are you never ever ever getting back together with?

Aug 05 // Jed Whitaker
Thank you, Mortal Kombat X, For driving the final nail in the coffin of secret characters. I now accept that unlockables, especially in the form of hidden characters or outfits, are dead.  --   Thank you, League of Legends, You kept me company when I was all alone, sometimes for up to eight or more hours a day. I'm sorry that you started seeing other people; people who mostly spout garbage and toxicity. I've heard you've cleaned up recently, but I've moved on.  --   Thank you, Words With Friends, For ripping off Scrabble and capitalizing on it. I actually enjoyed our time together until I started getting text messages -- on top of your already plentiful notifications -- telling me it was my turn.  --   Thank you, Mario Kart, We had such fun times together on the Nintendo 64, back before you were all about micromanaging parts of karts and had far too many items. Back before you needed a spreadsheet to pick your karts, there also used to be dedicated balloon battle arenas. Those were the days. --   Thank you, Sega, You were a large part of my childhood. Golden Axe, Sonic the Hedgehog, Ristar, and others were my jam. I'm glad you never remade Golden Axe or made a game where Sonic the Hedgehog is a werehog with stretchy arms or kisses a human. I'm so not in denial.
You've got what I need photo
Never say never
Are there any games or series out there that you gave a chance and really tried to like until they inevitably broke your heart, as many boys games do? Sometimes you might even still have feelings for the games, or even love t...

Randy Pitchford tweet photo
Randy Pitchford tweet

Celebrating one year since Randy Pitchford's incomprehensible Battleborn tweet

The gift that keeps on giving
Jul 08
// Darren Nakamura
Once more, with feeling! One year ago, Gearbox announced Battleborn, which sounds pretty cool on its own, I guess. But a regular announcement wasn't enough. Not for Gearbox president Randy Pitchford. He had to tell us exactl...
Google Feud photo
Google Feud

Play Family Feud with Google autocomplete answers

Louie Anderson is unfortunately not hosting
Mar 15
// Jed Whitaker
Google surveyed the world and the top 10 autocomplete answers are on the board -- try to guess what they are in Google Feud, a brand new site that uses Google's autocorrect to create a single-player Family Feud-like expe...
Videogame cartoons photo
Videogame cartoons

So the new Rabbids cartoon premiered today

My thoughts on Rabbids Invasion as well as the new Pac-Man cartoon
Aug 03
// Tony Ponce
Today, Nickelodeon launched the latest show on its Saturday morning lineup: Rabbids Invasion. Teased about for years, the new program is about... the Rabbids, and they do... things. Ummmm... yeah, that's basically the gist o...
NES Music Box Ultra photo
NES Music Box Ultra

Play around with this fun NES music box

Gonna go back in time!
Apr 20
// Tony Ponce
Got a couple of minutes to spare? What am I saying? Of course you do! Check this shizz out! NeoGAF user asa spent a few days messing around in Unity in order to make a nifty interactive NES music box. By pressing the power bu...
YOSHI photo

Here's a super derpy picture of Yoshi just because

Super serious news 24/7
Mar 02
// Hamza CTZ Aziz
Seriously, just because. Look at how derpy Yoshi looks! Remember that dumb running Sonic meme? I seriously want to see derpy videogame characters take off like this. It's so cute! The artwork was done by lxromero, who also did some cute takes on Bulbasaur, Charmander, and Mega Man.

Some guy: Xbox might be sold to Sony, Microsoft is ruined

Man on Internet says things in 'saying things' SHOCKER!
Jan 21
// Jim Sterling
Remember that guy who said Microsoft's Xbox division cannot be sustained by the company? Well, here comes another analyst with the same suggestion, going so far as to believe rival Sony could acquire the brand. Them's some da...
End of Innocence photo
End of Innocence

Watch this and your childhood will be destroyed

You have been warned
Jan 14
// Tony Ponce
I've got two words for you: "Human Caterpie." If you are wondering if you should watch this Pokémon animation by Mosama, first check out his webcomic Satan's Excrement. If that floats your boat, then by all means, carry on! The Pokemon Hoarder [YouTube]
Muahahahahahahaha photo


Jan 14
// Jim Sterling
Important photo


Busy news day
Jan 14
// Dale North

Handheld gaming PCs aren't the future (yet?)

Jan 07 // Allistair Pinsof
I don’t live a very portable life. When I’m on a plane, I like to stare at a book. Not necessarily read it, but stare at it very intently in hopes that an attractive girl will spot me doing so, recognize the book, and then ask me what’s it about. Then *hopefully* she’ll know the book so I can just ask her what it’s about. Soon, we’ll be having a kind of deep, meaningful conversation. That’s the idea, at least. Hasn’t happened yet. (I don’t actually do this but I don’t doubt there are many that do.) But, there was one time where I played Unreal Tournament 2004 on my MacBook during a red eye from New York to Houston. That was kind of neat, because I had the whole plane to myself. I’d do that again if the same conditions were met, but red eyes and empty planes are variables that don’t often repeat, especially not together. It will take some serious brain juice, but I’m going to imagine that I’m the person that really wants to play World of Warcraft on a tiny monitor with a tiny keyboard -- perhaps I'm just a tiny man -- or Xbox-like controller while traveling on planes, riding on buses, and waiting in lines at midnight movie premieres. OK, now that I’ve imagined being this person, all I want to do is kill myself. Disregarding my total lack of interest in WoW, I can’t possibly fathom why you’d want to play games designed for the home environment outside the home. There is a novelty in playing Darksiders 2 while outside the home, but it's just not worth sacrificing the big screen, comfort of your living space, and a proper audio setup. Not to mention that most PC games you’ll find on Steam don’t cater to those with only a small amount of time to commit. I feel like I need a spare lifetime to sit down and dig into Dark Souls, not a spare 15 minutes. As such, puzzle games with low time commitments are the only portable games that have resonated with me over the past decade. When stuck at the airport, I start playing Valkyria Chronicles 2, realize it's a poor approximation of its previous console entry, turn it off, and pick-up my book. Are people going to buy these cutting edge handheld gaming PCs to play Dark Souls, only to discover all they really play is Bejeweled 3 on them? Japan was obsessed with pocket PCs in the ‘90s and they were right in feeling that way: Not many things had as great of an impact in cutting costs and time as the rise of the pocket PC in the workplace. Now Frito-Lay can pack those delicious snacks at a rate that our forefathers could only dream of snack goods being packaged at. These devices by Fujitsu, Sharp, and other leading electronics manufacturers didn’t cater to snaggletoothed hunchbacks waiting in line for the midnight premiere of The Hobbit, unable to socialize or even breath in the direction of another human being without contemplating what they must look like naked and/or dead. So, the Fujitsu AcutTote 3000 wasn’t really made with them in mind.Disregarding sad versions of Tetris and popular board games appearing on PDAs, it wasn’t until 2010 that we got a glimpse of a real handheld gaming PC. Panasonic’s Jungle. Yeah, I didn’t remember this thing either. First of all, it’s called Jungle. Second, it’s by the manufacturer that gave us the 3DO. It looked like a cheap Taiwan netbook with a mini-DJ set for your iPod next to its miniature keyboard designed for elves that make cookies in a tree. Naturally, it was marketed toward MMO players that just couldn’t get enough of that, uh, Battlestar Galactica MMO (apparently this existed.) A 720p screen would be nice but RuneScape on the toilet is still going to play like RuneScape on the toilet. Jungle never arrived and Panasonic’s brief flirtation with gaming handhelds was soon forgotten.(Ok, so I lied: I played a fair amount of Beavis and Butt-head in Virtual Stupidity and Jagged Alliance 2 on my netbook at the airport. I did this mostly out of a wish that some heavyset man with a ponytail and goatee, wearing a promotional T-shirt for some obscure, defunct tech company, would see me and recognize my work. Maybe even give me a fist bump.You know, keep the dream alive. I also played a fair bit of FTL on it while visiting Vancouver.) Later in 2010 came OpenPandora. At long last, a console made for homebrew enthusiasts by Koreans that want to make money off homebrew enthusiasts while cutting every corner possible. One thing OpenPandora has over Jungle is that it was released, though that may not be, in fact, a positive. Somewhere in a landfill outside a town in China is a kid breathing the fumes of discarded OpenPandoras burning, slowly attributing to the Elephant Man-size tumor growing on his forehead. OpenPandora looks like an aborted Nintendo DS that somehow merged with one of those weird, massive all-in-one-card readers that my university’s film lab used to have -- I swear it even had a Zip Drive somewhere on it. Like most Korean handhelds, the device focused primarily on console emulation and it didn’t even do a good job of that. (Although it doesn’t quite fit in with the rest of these, I feel a need to mention the Visteon Dockable Entertainment device. This highly dockable system was basically one of those seemingly titanium-plated “portable” DVD players, except you could play GBA games on it. This whole novelty of watching movies on a dedicated player seemed obscene to me in 2003-2004. After all, I could watch DVDs on my laptop which wasn’t much bigger than these devices. Nevertheless, my brother bought one of these things so he could watch Eyes Wide Shut while running at the gym. He would do this after midnight, which I’m not sure makes it more or less creepy. I always saw a future in a portable device that plays DVDs, but I had the foresight to wait for that device to come in a more convenient form, as in phones and tablets -- which, yeah, I didn’t know that was coming but I did know that THIS couldn’t be the future.)After a botched effort by Panasonic and a Korean piece of junk, Nvidia and Razer stepped in to show the world what handheld PC gaming could be: not much better. Both of these PC hardware juggernauts are taking a different approach to making the PC mobile. Razer has touch controls and a smart keyboard that reconfigures itself to fit each game. Nivida's Shield has a controller that could be mistaken for a Xbox 360 third-party peripheral. The main difference between these two, beyond default input options, is that Nvidia’s streams games from your PC to your handheld. According to reports from CES, the device worked -- at least, it worked on a high-end PC in a very controlled environment. Disregarding price and the likelihood of these ever reaching retail, I’m still not sure where these devices fit into my or anyone else’s life. Do I really want to play the best PC gaming has to offer on a screen that isn’t much bigger than a clamshell? Do I want to cramp my fingers trying to play an action game on a keyboard that is half the size of my netbook’s? No and no, which is why these devices are always promoted to niche audiences. Like this make believe audience that doesn’t know how to connect an HDMI cable from their PC to their computer, so instead they buy a Nvidia Shield that does all that hard work for them. Or the make believe audience that is so hopelessly addicted to WoW that they need it in portable form, but not actual portable form, just a portable device that squishes it down so it could slide in the big pockets of a tiny giant’s Levi's. OK, so that audience actually exists but I like to pretend it doesn’t. So these devices don’t exactly “blow my mind six ways from Sunday” (Engadget actually wrote that about the Switchblade and weren’t alone in their enthusiasm). They are the games industry toothing, much like those silly DVD players that emerged right before the Blu-ray vs. HD DVD battle was won. Soon, our tablets and phones will be offering us the latest Assassin’s Creed and Call of Duty with graphics comparable to a high-end PC in 2012. We’ll have Bluetooth keyboard, mice, and controllers to play them with. It’s the only logical place things can go. Having a controller tied to a tiny monitor or a touch-controlled netbook is a road that takes us far away from logicville, a very lonely place where the Jungle and OpenPandora await any and all possible neighbors.I don’t listen to music through my iPhone’s speakers and I don’t watch films on my iPod’s screen. There are limits to how we consume our media. The technolust that pumps through the veins of CES reporters has a way of clouding their judgement, forgetting this axiom. But when they all come home from the war, they'll regret the hyperbolic headlines they wrote about these misguided devices that serve a non-existent audience. If not, we'll just have to remind them on Twitter. To bring us back to the topic (which I never really established but please do pretend that I did and did a very good job at it), the Fleshlight has evolved as much as it ever will need to evolve. We are at the brink of Fleshlight technology -- the time and place where we start applying the tech to the labias of dragons and other mythical beasts. If you buy a Fleshlight today, you know damn well that you are also buying the Fleshlight of tomorrow (hopefully one that you have maintained through proper use [see here]). So, go buy a Fleshlight and have a crafty wank on your next plane trip, while some millionaires sort out the future of portable gaming.
Fleshlight > Handheld PC photo
No, really
If tech reporters seem excited today about the prospect of Project Shield, a new handheld PC gaming console by Nvidia, it’s probably because they are at CES where there is little else to be excited about within the co...


WSJ Live is the newest app for Xbox Live

Stop gaming and check the news
Nov 01
// Dale North
I've got news for you. No, really. News. A news app. Freshly launched on Xbox Live, WSJ Live brings customized news to your game console. The Wall Street Journal will beam live and on-demand programming from 2,000 journalists...

Warren Spector and I are totally best friends now

You guys wish you could be me
Oct 14
// Tony Ponce
I failed to mention that, immediately following the Disney Epic Mickey: Power of Illusion preview event last month, Warren Spector led all the journalists on a tour through Magic Kingdom. We went on the Magic Carpet, Haunted...

Hideki Kamiya on DmC questions: 'GET THE F*CK OFF'

Platinum Games director wants the fans to step off
Oct 02
// Jim Sterling
Hideki Kamiya is a man responsible for a lot of Capcom's success, being influential in the creation of Resident Evil and Devil May Cry. His work as director for that latter game, however, seems to have caused him to go ballis...

The video that proves Resident Evil 6 is actually great

True art
Oct 02
// Jim Sterling
So yesterday I reviewed Resident Evil 6, and I didn't like it, which was sad. The critics have been very split on the whole thing, with scores ranging from from the very low to the very high. It's a polarizing experience, th...

BioWare is clueless, banned a user based on a meme

Jan 21
// Tony Ponce
BioWare is dead serious about upholding its Terms of Services and will bring down the hammer of justice hard should you step out of line. One member (username withheld) of the Star Wars: The Old Republic message board learned...

CAN'T UNSEE: TV's Terra Nova stars Old Snake, Sheva

Jan 03
// Dale North
Have you seen Fox's Terra Nova? It's a show about a family that travels back in time to prehistoric Earth through a fracture in time to save the human race. Steven Spielberg is an executive producer, and there's special effec...

There are no Pokemon in this Pokemon video

Dec 04
// Tony Ponce
On Friday, I posted Luigi's Mansion parody in which the titular mansion was barely shown. Above, I post a Pokémon video in which zero Pokémon are ever seen on screen. Is this a new trend? Has everyone been inspired by Garfield Minus Garfield? Busted Pixel: Scott Hates Pokémon [YouTube]

Woman selling her game addicted husband on Craigslist

Nov 23
// Jim Sterling
In news that's perfect for such a slow pre-holiday day, more hilarious things have happened on Craigslist! This time, a frustrated woman is selling her Modern Warfare 3-obsessed husband on Craigslist. If you promise to take c...

Nintendo offices have rupee pillows!?!?

Nov 13
// Tony Ponce
I don't know who this "Andrew Kelly" cat is or how he managed to breach the impenetrable walls of Nintendo's headquarters, but none of that matters! People! People! People! There are rupee pillows in the Nintendo offices! Again, there are rupee pillows at the Nintendo offices! Why does this get me so hot and bothered? I don't know! Rupee pillows at Nintendo by Andrew Kelly [Hipstamatic]

Holy crap, Mortal Kombat: The Album was TERRIBLE!!!

Nov 06
// Tony Ponce
There was a practice back in the 90s of companion albums' accompanying the release of certain videogames. These weren't official soundtracks but rather those dreaded "inspired by" collections whose sole purpose was to push s...

Tetris crackers: Taste Mother Russia in your mouth!

Oct 30
// Tony Ponce
If you ever sit and wonder how a simple pick-up-and-play time-waster like Angry Birds could spawn such a large merchandizing machine, take comfort in knowing that it is hardly the first such case. Nope, not by a long shot! On...

Record for most videogame character costumes is only 425?

Oct 10
// Dale North
The World Record for the most videogame character costumes in one place is only 425 costumes? That can't be right. It is right -- technically. This report says that the judges from the Guinness Book of World Records did the o...

I wonder if they upsell subscriptions to Sushi Informer

Sep 25
// Tony Ponce
If you have trouble getting the food you want at SushiStop in Los Angeles, Josh Tolentino suggests you head on over to the Best Sushi down the street instead -- they'll always have a bountiful selection! On a down note, Jonat...

GameTrailers tackles the Triforce myth in Ocarina of Time

Jul 03
// Tony Ponce
I bought The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D despite not yet owning a 3DS. I just wanted that soundtrack so badly. Does that make me a whore? I think that makes me a whore. Anyway, here's another video to satisfy your Ze...

Corgi cosplays Epona from The Legend of Zelda series!

Jul 01
// Dale North
I know of one way they could have made The Legend of Zelda series better: Corgis! They put a dumb ass horse in their instead, though. The above picture makes up for that mistake. Look, it's a Welsh Corgi dressed up as Epona! ...

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