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Chinese Holmes photo
Chinese Holmes

Jonathan Holmes' face broadcast to entirety of China

Promoted from our Community Blogs!
Dec 16
// arkane9
[A wild Holmes appears! --Mr Andy Dixon] After rising up the ranks at Destructoid and becoming Editor-in-Chief, Jonathan Holmes sets his eyes on China. The country is growing in both economy and power, but what Mr. Holmes' real goal is is currently unconfirmed. His recent appearance on the Chinese news channel CCTV 13 opens up room for speculation.
Promoted Blog photo
Promoted Blog

New Xbox One game simulates what itís like to own a PS4

Promoted from our Community Blogs!
Oct 31
// CJ Andriessen
[Dtoid community blogger Its About To Get Gay In Here is quickly becoming our resident satirist blogger. Here is a lovely example of them bringing both the funk and the noise. Want to see your own stuff appear on the front pa...
Sarkeesian photo

Here's Anita Sarkeesian speaking on the Colbert Report

'I'm well liked'
Oct 30
// Darren Nakamura
Objective videogame journalism time! Anita Sarkeesian was on The Colbert Report last night. Here are some videos of that. The one above shows Sarkeesian's interview with Colbert. The one below is Colbert's introduction segme...
Steam report photo
Steam report

Steam user delighted by crap in Steam inventory

Oct 29
// Kyle MacGregor
Upon booting up Steam this morning, Internet denizen Tiffany Park discovered a notification on the program indicating a number of new items were located in her Steam inventory. "I got really excited," Park told Dest...
Special teabag report photo
Special teabag report

Report: Gamer teabags opponent after narrow victory

Victim unsure as to why, psychologist explains
Oct 13
// Kyle MacGregor
An Xbox live user contacted Destructoid this week with a complaint of being excessively teabagged upon completion of an online multiplayer match in a popular action game. "I'm not sure why he was doing it," said victim Jeff M...

Gallery: The sexiest booth babes of Tokyo Game Show

Sep 18 // Niero Desu
GPS 2014 is so much fun!   I got to fly inside Tokyo City, which is a third country world that videogames were ejected from. The best thing about going to another country's videogame show is to see the latest innovations in thongs and drink badly spelled things from their vending machines. Wacky! Pictured: Koei Booth Actress. What a crazy leather outfit, can she breathe in that? Unlike in Our Great Civilization of West, this show is predominantly staffed by women (take notes, we could learn something!) who are forced to memorize like five pages of game information.  They spend months learning our language, too! Since I've worked in videogames so long and still own my Atari 2600 (it's in my living room!) I always quiz them on the spot to make sure they're not just models. Modeling is really ruining videogames and every time I teach people that on Twitter they follow me around. Pictured: This girl knew her stuff! She's not holding videogames back 100 years I hate to make Stereotypefaces, but in my experience Japanese women do look impressed when I walk right up and say "Moshi Moshi"! Trying to learn a little Japanese is just good manners. Another easy one is "chotto" which means "cut me open." Just don't ask for their phone numbers unless you know your Itchy Nissans. Like the old and best E3s of yesteryear, Tokyo Gamescom gets in trouble every year for inspiring pubic negligence, but who am I to judge? I don't go to that Europino to tell people about the advances in Western dental care. Like my dad always says, "When in Rome, eat the pizza or you're wrong." Pictured: Smoking Squenix Sisters! What sort of emotional scarring do those eyes tell? I could not believe my eyes how not Western this show was! People you live next to would be like, "Well well, nobody at my bank wears that," and that's called Lost in Transgender, which is a great movie that white people like to see before trying to make friends with Koreans. Put your pumpkin spice latte down and get a load of this beauty: Pictured: Some mobile company. Do you think she cries when she sees hamburgers? My friend Dale said she couldn't find a single Nigerian man dressed as Persona 4, but we did meet hundreds of beautiful Orients and took photos of them in their natural habitats. Professional blogger tip: I always asked if I could take their photo, because they sort of threw my black friend into jail for not getting a video waiver. Watch out for that karate chop! That's all for day one of Tonka Games Show 2014. For pointy elbows see this gallery! Note: Some photos may have been slightly Photosharpened for Western Twitter decency standards.
TGS booth babes photo
Super sexy! Click every picture thrice and Myspace it
The moment all you college dudes have been waiting for is here! So make sure your boss isn't looking and get ready to steamboat the weasel, because I need the pageviews and my gallery is the tits!

E3 secret leaks photo
We've left no stone unturned!
We've gotten our hands on some verifiable official E3 2014 leaks and secrets and we're spilling the beans. Find out what's in store from Microsoft, Nintendo, Ubisoft, Epic Games, EA, and all the other big companies making important announcements. Get a sneak peek at news about Battlefield 5, a new Nintendo MMO, Destiny, and all every other E3 reveal and announcement.

Jimquisition: Gamer Guys

Jul 08 // Jim Sterling
Jimquisition happens every Monday!
Jimquisition travels to another time and another place, examining a world taken over by gamer guys and their testosterone-addled inanity. Something must be done! Fortunately, your ol' pal Jim Sterling is here to take those insincere culture thieves down a peg, and put gaming in the hands of those to whom it belongs. Welcome to the Sarkybastardverse, which is definitely a real thing now.

Battlefield69 photo

EA buys Pfff, we own Battlefield69

Next Gen is balls
May 08
// Niero Desu
BREAKING: DESTRUCTOID LEADS THE ARMS RACE IN STUPID MILITARY DOMAIN NAMES San Francisco, CA - Somewhere near Philz Coffee and 24th Street It appears that EA has registered through, ...
Indie game vs NRA photo
Indie game vs NRA

The Best Amendment calls out the NRA

"Hell is other people. But what if other people are you?"
Apr 07
// Fraser Brown
In an effort to poke holes in NRA vice president Wayne LaPierre's belief that only a "good guy" with a gun can stop a "bad guy" with a gun, Paolo Pedercini has created The Best Amendment, a satirical PC game, report...

Ten golden rules of online gaming

Mar 10 // Jim Sterling
1: Online gaming is serious business: So, you finally got your game hooked up and are ready to play. Now, you may be forgiven for thinking that online gaming is about having fun. You are very wrong and you will learn this in due time. Because we gamers are too physically weak to pick random fights in bars, we must assert our alpha male dominance another way -- by twiddling our fingers around on buttons until virtual representations of people we don't know simulate death.  This is your life now, and you are connected, physically and emotionally, to your in-game avatar. When they frag you, do you not bleed? Well, no you don't but that's not the point. You will mourn him for every second of that respawn countdown. His digital death just killed a little piece of you, and you will avenge with the fury of a thousand angry Gods.  In team games, if you are losing, remember to berate your teammates and tell them how much they suck. You won't be making a fool out of yourself for ordering them around and reminding them that your side is losing and nobody's helping you win. Also, you must use words like "alpha," all the time, just like you're a real army man! 2: Noobs are scum: People who are new to a particular game are terrible vermin who you should not fraternise with. These subhumans are known as noobs and they are the pariahs of online gaming. You, however, were never a noob. You were playing games online before the Internet was even invented. In fact, you're so awesome that you were playing Dizzy the Egg team deatchmatches on your Commodore 64. Make sure to check out the stats of anybody in a game with you. If they have not been playing for long, then you must hurl insults at them because they are lesser human beings. Laugh cruelly if noobs are your opponents, and grimace loudly if they are on your team.  Also, the term noob has such power that if you dislike someone's actions in a game, you can say it to them as well. Obviously, displeasing you is deadly enough to make them forget all their prior gaming experience and they actually revert back into children.  3: If a feature in a game is popular/effective, it is cheap: Be it the chainsaw in Gears of War, or snipers in any FPS ever made, there are a number of cool features and tactics in games that people not only find enjoyable to use, but are often highly effective methods of securing victory -- never use them. If you do so, you are cheap and will become a noob. You are a hardcore gamer now, which means you only use shotguns or anything else that's really boring. You hate all that is popular, and if you see anybody utilising the best/more useful features of a game, you are to get rid of them immediately.   If these pukes were good at the game like you, they wouldn't need to rely on such cheap tactics, would they? They'd be like you, running around with the shotgun, not having fun and despising everything everyone else is doing. The fact that they have killed you so many times is proof of how bad they are at playing. 4: If anything kills you at all, it is cheap: Like the above rule, but applied to every potential threat in a game. If someone shoots you to death using nothing but a pistol and with his eyes closed, he is being cheap. Cheap is one of the most brutal insults after noob, and anybody who hears it will feel worse about the fact they are winning ten to zero. It's a hollow victory, because they are so cheap. 5: If you are losing, it is because of lag: Following on from the cheapness laws, you will soon get to learn that nothing is ever your fault when it comes to gaming. Lag is a process whereby everyone in the game becomes better than you thanks to the Internet helping them become cheap. The Internet does this a lot, but never affects the enemies you kill yourself, because you have skills. Nearly every death you ever suffer in a game will be due to lag of some kind. The Internet hates you that much, even though you are so good. 6: If you are losing badly, it is because they are hacking: Losing a little is one thing, that's just lag conspiring to keep your ownage levels down, but lag can only help the noobs cheaply beat you so much. If you are losing to such a point where not even your lag-pwning skill seems to be making a difference, well there's only one solution, and it's not that they are better than you -- it's that they are hacking. People who appear to be doing a lot of killing and not much of being killed are hackers, plain and simple. There is no way they're that good without cheating. Re-assure your team (after calling them worthless) that the enemy is clearly powered by nefarious undertakings and you are being penalized for your wholesome and pure ways. Then remember to say alpha. 7: Everyone is gay: Before the Internet was invented, gay people were those in society who were attracted physically and emotionally to members of the same gender. Since the Internet, everyone and everything is gay. From the gun they use to kill you, to the voice they use to communicate with you, it is all gay, gay, gay. Lag is gay, snipers are gay, noobs are gay, people from other countries are gay, the countries they come from are gay, the ocean the country is surrounded by is gay, the fish in the ocean are gay, all sealife is gay, life is gay, gays are gay, gay gay gay. Gay. Using the same one-syllable word to describe everything you don't like might not be an indicator of a varied vocabulary, but who cares? Words are gay. 8: Singing is awesome: Communicating via a headset is great because it lets gamers sing, and that is one of the only reasons we buy headsets. In fact, some people are known to log into servers just to hear poor quality, nasal renditions of the latest "phat tracks." One of the most original and beloved songs to sing is anything done by Rick Astley. Try to sing as loudly and obnoxiously as you can into your headset before, during and after a game, only stopping when you need to step away from the mic to breathe. Everybody will be impressed and will want to play with you again. In fact, you're so great at singing that the only reason you're not on Broadway right now is that showbusiness is full of lag. If you lack the raw sexual magnetisim and confidence that is required to sing during a game, you can always hold the microphone up to some speakers and play your favorite tunes for everybody. Your fellow gamers really care what your musical interests are and will applaud your tasteful selection of tracks.   9: Calling people naggers is both original and hilarious: Racism online is bad, which is a shame because deep down everybody knows it's actually awesome. There is, however, a really witty workaround that allows you to say racist words while not actually saying them. Remember that episode of South Park where Randy believed that the missing letter in "n - ggers" was an I? Then he said the full word and everyone was shocked because it was actually naggers and not that word? Well, here's a pro tip -- nobody has EVER thought of calling people naggers online. You are going to be so edgy if you capitalize on this opportunity. Do it all the time and your popularity will skyrocket. 10: Team members who score are kill stealers: Kill stealing is one of the most abhorrent and despicable crimes ever committed, and is even listed in some modern Bibles as the eighth deadly sin. Every opponent is a victim waiting to die by your hand alone, and if anybody dares shoot them before you, they are a kill stealer. Only you may have the glory of the kill, and woe betide anybody caught shooting at the same target as you. If they get the win, they clearly stole your kill. Even if you and a team member are on opposite sides of the game map, they kill stole. Obviously they did. Probably thanks to a hack. Just remember, of course, that you are not a kill stealer. You are merely an opportunist. Besides which, since all the enemies are your personal fodder anyway, you're taking nothing away from the meat puppets who are only there to be noobs and bring down your score by sucking. These are the ten golden rules of online gaming. There are of course plenty of other important laws, but this should be everything you need to get started off on the right footing. First impressions are crucial, and with these ten rules in mind, you will always impress.  Good luck pwning, my fellow online warriors. May noobs fall at your feet and your sword cut through the mists of lag forevermore.
Everyone is gay photo
Everyone is gay
[Destructoid turns 7 next week! Here's our most popular article from January 2009, one of Jim's first features. Check out more of our earlier works in our Golden Archives. -Niero] People have been hunched over their PCs, firi...

The Call of Sarkeesian

Mar 08 // Jim Sterling
My knowledge of the thing began only yesterday with the death of my computer. It had always served me well, but it appeared its time was at an end. I thought it merely a simple result of time, the mortality of the machine a reflection of the end we must all face. How I wish I had remained under that suspicion, and toiled thusly in ignorance. No ... it was ignorance that compelled me to press on. Ignorance that inspired me to seek truth. Ignorance that saw such terrible knowledge thrust upon me.  Unsatisfied with my initial belief, I decided instead to attempt to fix the computer. My machine is a hulking beast of monolithic proportions, tall and black, cast in cold black metal. I swung open its side panel like stone wrought doors pulled free of a mausoleum, and peered inside. What I saw was not the interior of any computer I knew, or even the one I had. I'd opened this thing countless times, looked within to tap on this or confirm that. On this day, however, I saw not the familiar boards and wires that greeted me in the past. It was ... empty. Completely empty.  All except one thing.  The figure was between seven and eight inches in height, and of exquisitely artistic workmanship. It represented a monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with a woman-like head whose face looked like a woman, a feminine, womanly-looking body, women's hands and feet, and some frightening objects I had never seen before on its chest. This thing, which seemed instinct with a fearsome and unnatural maternity, squatted evilly on a rectangular block or pedestal covered in what looked to be PS3 and Xbox 360 logos. The figure was horribly life-like, so alien in structure yet vaguely, unnervingly familiar. It was carved from some unknown material, greens and whites, with an unnatural coldness. Carved on its underside were two words. "Sarkeesian fhtagn."  Upon reading these words, my computer switched itself back on, seemingly unpowered, yet working as if it never had broken. If only that had been the end of it. I knew not then what I know now, of the terrible thing I had set into motion, but though my activities were performed in naivety, I still feel I must be punished for what I had done.  It is my fault. It is all my fault.  I did not know why I was chosen, why it was I who had to speak the black words and awaken the ... the abomination. All that matters now is that I did.  Though unsettled, I thought to use the computer anyway, at least to research the origins of this unknown ornament of which I had possession. However, upon accessing the Internet, I was greeted only with one word -- one terrible, awful word, that filled me with a dread so dark and so dismal, I fear to feel it again. Sarkeesian. Sarkeesian Sarkeesian Sarkeesian. As I read this word over and over, yet stranger things began to happen. The copy of Naruto Powerful Shippuden that was sitting on my desk began to emit a strange hissing noise, consistent with that of a kettle brought freshly to boil. It then began to crack, to twist, to snap violently on the desk as if crushed in the hand of some invisible being of considerable size. It contorted this way and that, writhing on the desk as if like a serpent in its death throes. It took less than a minute before it ground itself into dust.  "In her house at Y'outube dead Sarkeesian waits scamming." The message stood bold on my computer screen, typed not by me. Typed not by anyone. Yet there it was, clear as day and bold as brass. I heard more squealing hisses from the next room, but I remained fixed in my place, cold sweat running in rivulets from my brow and neck. I was possessed by a fear, an all consuming terror. A URL made itself known. A link I fear to share, lest I inflict this madness upon anybody else. So foolish I was, to not turn back now while I still had innocence left to claim. I accessed the URL anyway. I was taken to a website. This "Y'outube" of which the mysterious phrase spoke. There was a video there, Tropes vs. Women in Videogames. What blasphemy! Women? In Videogames? I almost gagged at the mere sight of such black and foul words tossed casually in the face of mankind and of God. God ... I almost laugh at the mention of His name now.  Why did I watch it?  There exist no words in the English language adequate enough to describe what I saw, though I did not watch the thing in its entirety. To be exposed for the mere seconds I was had been more than enough, and I fear any more would reduce me to a gibbering wreckage of remains only human in appearance. A voice so horrifically unassuming. Arguments so disturbingly uncontroversial. This was a product of something cosmically beyond our pitiful grasp. We are as insects, facing the infinite. Please let me forget.  I had barely noticed the hissing around me grow to deafening proportions, but as I closed my browser with shaking hands, tears clouding my vision, the noise suddenly stopped. I weakly lifted myself from my seat, stumbled into my drawing room with all the grace of a village drunk, and witnessed an awful sight. All my videogames were gone. All my videogame consoles were missing. In their place, only dust. Only desiccated dirt. I had watched a video of a woman on the Internet ... and now all my videogames were gone. Forever.  Heed this warning before it is too late for you. Do not seek the knowledge I so stupidly pursued. Do not hunt down that which will prey upon you. Do not watch a video of a woman on the Internet, because all of your videogames will be gone forever. That's definitely how it works.  What has risen may sink, and what has sunk may rise. Loathsomeness waits and dreams in the deep, and political correctness spreads over the tottering cities of men. A time will come -- but I must not and cannot think! Let me pray that, if I do not survive this blog post, my executors may put caution before audacity and see that Tropes vs. Women in Videogames meets no other eye.  Because videogames.
Call of Sarkeesian photo
Stell'bsna n'gha
I have of late been subject to some strange occurrences. Some may even say ... frightening ... circumstances. Indeed, the things I have seen make me so very grateful for the inability of the human mind to truly understan...


Jimquisition: Emotions, Polygons, and Ellen Page

David Cage is your daddy
Mar 07
// Jim Sterling
This week, Father of Dreams and visionary game director David Cage hosts the show and tells us all about emotion. Emotion. Emotion. What is it like to feel? What can videogames learn from film? How well does David know Ellen Page? Watch this soul-scorching video and prepare to be impressed. Emotion.

The perfect Mortal Kombat movie cast, CONFIRMED

Feb 26 // Jim Sterling
Bill Murray as Jax Bill Murray, famous for his roles in The Ghost Bustings and Charlie's Angels, brings a sense of levity and fun to every role he portrays, a perfect fit for the Bluesy humor often displayed by Jax in the hit videogame. However, Murray knows when it's time to put away the lighthearted goofs and get serious, as we saw in the stunning semi-autobiographical Garfield Day.  Gene Hackman as Scorpion It's time to be scared, everybody! The sinister Gene Hackman is on the prowl, and you have no idea what he's gone and done this time! Hackman's icy persona and stoic menace make him a perfect fit for Mister Scorpion, who I think is a bad guy from Hell or something. This Hollywood beast has terrified me ever since I was a child, and I've often found myself being incredibly angry at him for no reason. He's the actor we love to hate, and sometimes just plain hate -- well suited for such an intimidating character.  George Lopez as Reptile Reptile just loves to have fun, and plays pranks on the heroes of Outer Worlds all of the time. Whether it's putting plastic flies in ice cubes before Raiden's gala ball, or telling Liu Kang his ears are really gross even when they're not, you just never know what kind of gentle, audience-appropriate shenanigans Reptile will get up to next. Our focus testing suggests comedian and talk show host George Lopez would be ripe for the role -- a rising star with a lot to offer. Vince Vaughn as Baraka Baraka is always smiling because of some funny things he's thought of, and Vince Vaughn has the brightest smile in all of Tinsel Town. It's a marriage made in marketing heaven! Starring in comedies such as George of the Jungle and The Mummy Returns, Vaughn's roles are comical but also a bit serious at the same time, as seen in the more dramatic parts he's played in Bedazzled and Dudley Do-Right. Of course, Baraka is also scary when he needs to be, so we may need to convince Vaughn to threaten some girls so they'll be really creeped out by him on the silver screen. Jack Nicholson as Goro All we need are two fake arms and a thong, and Mr. Shining will do all the rest. Watching Nicholson onscreen is like seeing pure magic pour out of a sorcerer's arse, the man's just got charisma dripping from every crag in his chiseled face. As Goro, Nicholson's job will be to act as a force of power for the heroes to overcome, but also say things that will appeal to toy-buying kids, such as "Radical" and "This is hella bunk, you frisky idiot." Goro is important to the monetary post-release support of the movie, but Nicholson's raw energy will bring him to life.  Jennifer Lawrence as Sonya Blade In all honesty, as great as Lawrence is, we have no justifiable reason as to why she'd be good for the part of Sonya. However, our intensive research suggests that so long as we can somehow convince the star of The Hungry Games to be in this thing, absolutely nothing else will matter.  Kenan & Kel as Raiden We looked at the hard data, and while Raiden is still a popular character with long-time fans of Mortal Kombat, it's apparent that he's failing to connect with a wider audience. The new Mortal Kombat movie will re-envision Raiden as a hip talking street cat who breaks all the rules, and who better to give this fresh direction form than Hollywood newcomer Kenan & Kel? First rising to fame in his own eponymous TV show, Kenan & Kel has been on an upward climb that's impossible to ignore. We're very excited to have him on board, and expect to see great things from this child prodigy.  Val Kilmer as Liu Kang Everybody, it's time to meet The Man Who Was The Bat Man! Is there nothing The Kilmeister can't do? There's just one thing -- be bad at acting! In many ways, Mortal Kombat has always been Liu Kang's story, and so it falls to me to deliver a leading man who has the style, the savvy, and the look of this martial arts icon. There is no other man worthy, especially with The Dark Knight Rises still hot on our breath and warm in our bellies.  Mila Kunis as Sub Zero Incredibly beautiful, and such a talent, Mila Kunis is far and away one of the biggest female celebrities in the world of film, and is perfect as the classic heroine Sub Zero. Cold body, warm heart, that's the motivation behind this latest retelling of the Sub Zero story. Will Liu Kang break her harsh exterior and finally run away with the woman of his dreams before she does what her father wants and marries that no-good son of a wealthy businessman? Watch and find out! Dakota Fanning as Shang Tsung We may have gotten lazy at the end. 
Mortal Kombat movie photo
Pure. Oscar. Bait.
Mortal Kombat has another live-action movie in the works, and it's probably not going to be very good. That doesn't mean it has to be awful, though. The right blend of actors can turn any film, no matter how cynical, into a c...

Six sinister things about Super Mario

Feb 24 // Anthony Burch
1. Where do mushroom powerups come from? Consider the following. The Mushroom Kingdom is so named because the majority of its denizens have very mushroom-shaped heads. Toad, and his hundreds of identical brothers who consistently manage to get kidnapped in Bowser's castles, have heads that are essentially mushrooms with eyes. But what about the mushroom powerups that Mario consumes in order to get bigger, or gain an extra life? What do THEY look like? Well, mushrooms. But where do these mushrooms come from? Even after jumping through more than half a dozen worlds in the mushroom kingdom, have you seen a SINGLE mushroom FIELD? One can then only conclude that these powerup mushrooms are not created naturally, but are in fact artificially made (and then evidently put into large question-marked boxes). What conclusion can we draw from these facts? Simple. MARIO IS EATING THE DECAPITATED HEADS OF THE MUSHROOM PEOPLE.     2. Super Mario Bros serves as an allegory for the Bolshevik Revolution.    This one we've all heard before. Red outfit, Stalinesque mustache, star on the flag, overthrowing an empire. Yeah, yeah. I only mention it to state that the kind of people who bring this up in regular conversation with their friends are probably the kind of people who get made fun of when they aren't around. So be sure not to do that.     3. Racism.  He's fat, he's a plumber, he's got a mustache, he speaks broken English, and he's pussy-whipped.  The only way Mario could be any more of an Italian stereotype is if he had to eat pasta instead of mushrooms, or if he shot people in the back of the head and dumped them in the Hudson Bay. Now, I can understand that Charles Martinet's voice acting can be pretty cute at times, but honestly. Despite what Nintendo thinks, there are Italians in America who are capable of saying "It's me, Mario" without adding the letter "A" to the end or beginning of every single goddamned word. And despite the fact that he's a plumber, has anyone ever seen him do any plumbing? At all? He can go down enormous, man-sized pipes, yeah, but he doesn't even carry a goddamn wrench, much less an assortment of tools necessary to perform any degree of adequate pipe maintenance. The job description just seems to paint him as another member of the stereotypically blue collar, working class immigrant population in America. Which says something about how Japan views the US. 4. This picture.   5. Mario is an addict.     It may have taken some of us longer than others to make the connection, but at some point Mario's innocent mushroom and flower powerups begin to take on a much more sinister, substance-abuse-related-meaning. Consider the mushroom powerup in relation to the famous drug-use song "White Rabbit": "One pill makes you larger     one pill makes you small"     And what about the fire flowers? Even disregarding the obvious drug implication, how was Mario supposed to use the flower to shoot fireballs? Did he just hold it? Eat it? Put it in his pocket or something? Or how about the leaves that turn you into a raccoon? Is there ANY connection between touching a leaf and turning into a raccoon that you can see? Anything at all? The only rational answer is that all of these "transformations" are nothing more than visual and auditory hallucinations, brought on by heavy drug use. The mushrooms Mario is so fond of are of the "magic," hallucinatory variety, the flowers he eats to produce fire are obviously some sort of illegal poppy blossom, and the magic leaves that make him turn into a flying raccoon...well, you figure it out.     6. Murder. See? Not so fun from the Goomba's position. Now, regardless of whether or not the Goombas are actually working for Bowser, they certainly don't seem like killers, or even soldiers. They walk around aimlessly, and if you touch them, you get hurt. Is that worth killing over? It's not even like they attack Mario once they see him: they just walk back and forth along a predetermined path, and if Mario touches them, it's his own fault. But, instead of doing the merciful thing and avoiding them, Mario takes it upon himself to stomp every last weaponless Goomba to death, for no good reason.  Actually, when you think about it, Mario's got it pretty easy: almost none of his enemies actively try to attack him, so the only thing he really has to worry about is falling down bottomless pits and getting hit by Bowser's traps. And, really, how hard is it to avoid non-sentient weaponry?  That being said, I shed no tears for the Hammer Bros. They can go to hell.    [Picture credits: The first, gross painting is from this guy , the burly Mario is from here , and the goomba comic is at Lifemeter . Everything else is either google searched, MS Painted, or really obvious. Update: Additional evil mario photos were added to the gallery.]
Mario is sinister photo
From Dtoid's Golden Archives: Dec 19, 2006
[Destructoid turns 7 on March 16, 2013! I'm celebrating early by repairing some of my favorite articles from our Wordpress days. You'll be able to browse this original collection soon -- "Destructoid's Golden Archives" is her...

PSA: Don't preorder a game based on a preview, ever

Feb 23 // Niero Desu
To say that the gaming press can be misleading by a preview and not concede that, if ever fooled, the truth does not rise to the top is delicious jelly tripe, deserving of only lips due a corner office at Fox News where agenda buttocks may line up for regular laps. As someone who runs a site that religiously publishes more articles than a sane person can keep up with I completely reject this notion. If we're ever bamboozled by a doctored screenshot, captivated by a phony pre-rendered video, or charmed by the snake-oils of its satin-tongue Frenchies we will shout it from the rooftops of every beacon known to us. Which, by the way, is ineffective sometimes even if we told you so. That said, maybe there is a poor wild animal somewhere that actually places pre-orders after reading a preview of an unfinished game we can't accurately report on due to embargoes and just common decency to allow the developer push out their damned fetus before we curb-stop it in front of its parents. This cute guide is for you! Tip#1. Don't pre-order anything you've only read about in a preview Can we all agree that pre-order bonuses are fleeting and goofy, only existing to support the inevitable death of retail?  Even if it comes with a fairy that poops horse armors, your pre-order is as risky as standing at the front door of Walmart on CyberMonday. We wrote about an unfinished game, not a finished product. Wait for the review. Put. The. Wallet. Down. If you're a gambling man and love the thrill of uncertainty, have at it. If you're upset that the game didn't live up to the hopeful preview on a half-developed game, then you're an idiot. We run reviews and continue to report on games weeks after they are released. We wouldn't judge your wife's cooking while the turkey's half-frozen, either. Tip#2. Remind yourself that your backlog exists  What ever will you do during the week that the entire Internet is tweeting and playing the game that you want? I don't know, let's see ... exactly what you were doing before? For every game you're tripping over yourself to purchase on launch day there are 1,000 superiorly written, better orchestrated, honky-doory titles rotting on eBay that you've yet to discover. Use the imagination that videogames has cultivated in you to pretend that your legs have been gnawed off and you must wait a whole two weeks until they respawn to carry you to the thrift store. Instead, isn't it time to face your shortcomings as a human being? Did your uncle touching you incorrectly prevent you from enjoying a Tactical RPG?  Use this time to reflect on that. Tip#3A. Formulate your own opinion by breaking into someone's home The best way to sell you a game, according to a speaker at a recent videogames marketing conference, is to keep it as far away from you as possible. I'm not making this up. All the hype, marketing, previews, reviews, etc. are shockingly less effective in telling you how you will actually feel about a title than having the audacity to sit on a friend's sofa and borrow the controller, or download a demo. You have friends, right? [embed]246027:47160:0[/embed] You may also want to identify reviewers that you enjoy across multiple websites, and wait until they spend days reviewing a title so you can skip straight to the score and perform maths. We're all wrong anyway, so you may as well reconcile whose wrongness is the best. Tip #4. Remind yourself that modern media isn't scarce  99.9% of games don't sell out permanently, so calm down, son. Remember, what you're actually buying is permission to use data burned onto a disc that costs less than a quarter, or the data transfer cost to them. You chilluns don't have to deal with RAM shortages and volatile market prices causing cartridge production to grind to a hault, as seen in the 80's with The Adventure of Link. Your body will rot forty times over before this generation's Blu-RAY discs become rare.  The exception might actually be digital media that requires persistent servers online. Play those games while they're here, but don't preorder them without doing your homework first, babies. Bonus PSA: Diamonds are also not rare, but we'll let you explain that one to your girlfriend. She won't care and will still secretly desire the biggest one you can afford, because we are simple, simple animals. Tip #5. If you don't enjoy a videogame, think of the raccoons Look at the sprawling city around you, and spit at it. Modern civilization has made it easy to deliver previews electronically into homes, but have also made it very difficult for nearby forrest creatures to purchase the copies of Aliens: Colonial Marines that humans have left to waste. By murdering yourself and leaving your windows open perhaps a curious family of raccoons can cuddle over your first-world corpse to discover why videogames are art. Speaking of which, do you journalize art for truth and accuracy, or do you just kind of stand around stroking your chin while trying to criticize it on a very personal level? I'm scared and confused, surrounded by tense smaller animals of a different vernacular. [Photo Credit: Nigel3]
Previews ≠ Reviews photo
A consumer's guide on how not to make the press and themselves look retarded
Games journalism criticism is a young field of business. As with any emerging practice it often likes to talk about itself, not because games writers are pretentious masturbatory bastards, but because we care to do the best j...


Reddit uncovers the PS4 controller's true functionality

The shocking truth
Feb 14
// Niero Desu
Priceless. [Artwork by Farrow on NeoGaf. Thanks, Cybii]

How Nintendo breaks hearts with the D.E.N.N.I.S. System

Feb 06 // Jim Sterling
[embed]244154:46787:0[/embed] While the system is designed for Dennis to trick women into having sex with him before abandoning them, its applications in business are frightening, and Nintendo's mastery of it is absolute. Like Dennis, Nintendo is able to seduce and conquer its fans by demonstrating value, engaging physically, nurturing dependence, neglecting emotionally, inspiring hope, and then separating entirely. Do you remain skeptical? Read on and understand.  Demonstrate Value This one's easy, because we already know, by Nintendo's own admission, that it secures customer loyalty by demonstrating the value of its product. Through marketing promotions, competitive pricing, and pledging to offer the widest variety of games to the widest variety of consumers, Nintendo attempts to demonstrate its value to the user. More often than not, it succeeds. In fairness, all videogame companies utilize the first step of the system. Duping the consumer into believing a product is worth the entry fee is what the game industry is all about. Nintendo's as committed as any when it comes to demonstrating its value.  Engage Physically No other company works harder to engage its customers physically than Nintendo. With the Wii, the DS, the 3DS, and the Wii U, Nintendo has been doing more to encourage physical interaction with users than any other company in the games market. Whether you're waggling a remote, tapping a touchscreen, or tilting screens left and right, when you're on a Nintendo system, you're 100% physically engaged.  Even those shy to embrace Nintendo's whimsical world of bodily nonsense are eventually suckered in. Games like The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword test the resolve of even the most adamant anti-waggle gamer, and the excellent Nintendo DS library has us all dragging styli around like they're little Weekend at Bernie's corpses! If you're a Nintendo customer, consider yourself physically engaged.  Nurturing Dependence  Nintendo has the key to the cage of some of gaming's most beloved and cherished franchises. Your inner child is Reggie Fils-Aime's bitch. Miyamoto is the way and the truth and the life, and no one comes to the Mario except through him. To get your hands on Zelda, Metroid, Kirby, and so many more, you depend entirely on so-called Big N.  Nintendo knows it, too. It knows what you like, and it knows you have nobody else to turn to. Games like Nintendo Land and New Super Mario Bros. feed your nostalgia, remind you of happier times before you became an evil-hearted adult, and convince you to stay with Nintendo if you want to keep getting that sweet, sweet hit. One look at the dogged loyalty of Nintendo's most ardent fans will tell you this has already been achieved. They remain hopelessly in the thrall of their master, suckling at its red, cracked teats with all the gratitude of a freshly-fed dog.  We're halfway through the system, and Nintendo's three for three! Neglect Emotionally Nintendo's demonstrated its value to you. It's engaged you physically with its cool new toy. It's nurtured your dependence with the allure of childhood memories and honest-to-goodness gaming. What happens next? Wii Music happens next.  Yes folks, you've just been neglected emotionally! Satoru Iwata's band of merry men are wizards when it comes to this step, leading fans on for so long before totally cutting them off. After stringing gamers along, Nintendo does an about-face, making its press conferences and announcements all about family-friendly crap that nobody cares for. We get some maniac woman on a stage, grinning like a bargain basement Joker as she tells you she's going to put a smile on your face. We get promises of Pikmin 3, but no actual news, while other favorite franchises are completely ignored. Reggie tells us Animal Crossing is a hardcore game and can't understand why anybody's feeling shortchanged. "Nintendo has abandoned the hardcore gamer," the cry rings out, over valley and hill. My Lord, why hast thou forsaken me? The answer is clear -- Nintendo's neglecting you emotionally. Inspire Hope Wait, they just announced Pikmin 3? Holy shit, was that a new Kid Icarus? New Donkey Kong? And what's with this Wii U eShop? It's, like, actually good. Nintendo's got a new online strategy, Nintendo's promising more core games. Nintendo's back, everybody! Nintendo finally gets it.  "Nintendo finally gets it." I've honestly lost count of how many times I've read that phrase over the years. After neglecting us emotionally, Nintendo makes some announcement or presents a fresh feature that has everybody (myself included) pull a U-turn and declare that, this time, Nintendo finally understands what we want, and at last knows how to give it to us. We are relieved. We are appreciative. And then ... we bang. Separate Entirely Weeks without games. A sudden 3DS discount that pisses off everybody who supported the system early. The eShop turns out to be bereft of content and shit as always. A reality that fails utterly to live up to the promises we breathed in like sweet oxygen. And all the while, Nintendo sits there, deaf to our pleas, blind to our entreaties. It's working on something else now, and has cut its consumers loose. It's okay, though. You need not be alarmed. Nintendo will be back, next time it needs to demonstrate its value to you. And the D.E.N.N.I.S. System rises again.
D.E.N.N.I.S. System photo
It's Always Sunny at Nintendo
Earlier this week, Nintendo's Shigeru Miyamoto claimed his company had failed to "communicate the value" of the Wii U to consumers, a turn of phrase that struck me as quite amusing. As a fan of It's Always Sunny in Phila...

Is BioShock Infinite the worst box of all time?

Dec 01 // Allistair Pinsof
Derivative filth Catering to the everyman that demand downtrodden, unshaved white dudes with guns on their box covers, Irrational has ignored its fanbase to serve the greater populace of unworthy plebs. As an art critic -- I mean, I did take photography or some shit in college -- I feel upset by this consumerist approach to box art design. Shouldn't box arts be about the bigger picture? Like, anti-America, giant clockwork birds, and some young girl with an unsettling amount of cleavage? The truth is that Irrational don't care what you think. They are too busy counting their money, with this bound to be successful box cover that owes more than a little bit to Uncharted, Modern Warfare, and soulless market analysis. Flag burning It is our right as people that live in America and talk Americanese to be offended by the flag burning on this cover. Though it is not an actual flag, Irrational has set fire to the metaphysical flag in all of our hearts. I'm going to have to borrow some of my mom's healing crystals for like a week to get over this pointless act of aggression toward my freedums. In a time when our country has an evil hobgoblin for a president, we look toward great, honorable box covers like Medal of Honor: Warfighter and Secret Service to remind us of all that our country can be. I look at Irrational's BioShock Infinite -- what was supposed to be the perfect box art of this console generation -- and I all see is sick sadness and pain. No DLC Stickers? REALLY!?? Apparently, Irrational is now in the business of ripping people off. Pre-purchase DLC stickers are to be expected on box covers these days, but Irrational must live in the stone age. Look how big the BioShock Infinite logo is on that box! It's atrocious! Couldn't they have made it smaller and sneaked a big, beautiful yellow sticker somewhere, exclaiming, "Hey! We are giving you this extra bonus for your Xbox Live avatar because we are true artists that care about you and the art of box art making." Nope. Nothing. Overall I don't want to sound hyperbolic but BioShock Infinite isn't only the most disappointing box cover of 2013 but perhaps of all next year. If you add those things up, that's like 24 months or so. 24 months to grieve on message boards. 24 months to sign petitions, banishing Irrational to a third world country, like Sweden. 24 months to burn every copy of BioShock Infinite and forget it ever happened. Out of the kindness of our hearts, we gamers allowed Irrational to take five years to deliver us the box cover that would change our lives, our industry, and our souls. This ... this is what they give us in return? I'm so mad, guys. So dang mad. Please sign my petition to change this offensive box cover, even though I'll be purchasing via Steam. Just because. Freedums.
BioShock Infinite Review photo
We waited five years for this?
There are few boxes as anticipated as BioShock Infinite, the long awaited box to prequels BioShock Limited Edition and BioShock for the PlayStation 3. Irrational Games, known as 2K Boston during BioShock's release, made waves...

Wii U is blatantly better than PS3 and Xbox 360 COMBINED

Nov 30 // Jim Sterling
Intuitive motion reduction enhancement features If you've played some of the third-party ports that have been expediently produced for your benefit, you may have been delighted with one of the Wii U's boldest new features -- a little addition I like to call Intuitive Motion Reduction Enhancement. This innovative approach to gaming takes some of the more hardcore experiences -- Ninja Gaiden 3, Warriors Orochi 3 Hyper, Call of Duty: Black Ops II -- and dynamically reduces the speed at which they are played in order to give the user extreme tactical advantages.  Here's how it works -- when the action is at its most hectic, at its most adrenaline-pumping, the Wii U intuitively lowers the framerate, sometimes to a crawl. This "bullet time" effect allows the player a new level of unmatched battlefield surveillance, giving him or her the power to make fresh decisions and dramatically alter the course of gameplay in their favor. Never before has such power been at the player's fingertips, and only on the Wii U can this inspiring feature be accessed.  Be sure to laugh at your friends as they remain forced to play Call of Duty at normal speeds, like mundane idiots. We call these people Kinematypicals, and we look at them with disgust.  It has the best version of Firmware of any console When you first get your shiny new Wii U (still massively available in every shop in the world), you get instant access to the most crucial game right out of the box -- for free! Nintendo's version of this generation's most popular game, Firmware, is bigger, better, and greatly expanded when compared to the paltry efforts of the Xbox 360 and even PS3! Sure, the PS3 managed to negotiate exclusive access to more Firmware sequels and DLC than Microsoft or Nintendo, but only on Wii U can you get the definitive version -- all 57GB of it! PS3 fans are going to feel really sore after wasting their time on shitty little incremental updates when they find out that Firmware is available, in full and larger than ever, ONLY on the Nintendo Wii U home entertainment videogame entertainment Wii U entertainment console.  You better rub some ice cream on your butt from all the butt-stuff that Nintendo just did to your butt, you butthurt little PS3 fanboys. Sorry to BUTT in and be a BUTTHER (still works), but I wondered if you'd like some BUTTER to cool down your BUTT after all the BUTTHURT on your BUTT. You fucking fucks.  Willem Dafoe  Only on Wii U can you access the official Willem Dafoe fan community. Although currently misnamed Rabbids Land, the Willem Dafoe Miiverse community is rich with tribute to Hollywood's favorite son -- and perhaps the most treasured man in America today -- Willem Dafoe. Full of fun facts (Willem Dafoe invented cars) and whimsical fan drawings (Willem's Datoe, Battlefoeds, Wii-llem Dafoe), the Wii U has become the ultimate destination for all things Willem! The closest the SexCocks PeeShitty (Xbox 360) ever got to a thriving celebrity community was that time I drew Val Kilmer in marker pen on the side of my console ... and the drawing was fucking shit. Part of his eye was doodled over the disc tray so every time I tried to put a game in, it looked like his eye was coming out a bit, and it was really scary and gross, and I said to myself, "This is not The Batman, this is not the fucking Batman," every single time it happened.  And nobody on eBay believed me when I tried to sell it and say it was Val Kilmer's personal Xbox. Bloody stupid Microsoft.  Aliens: Colonial Marines will have a motion tracker Does anything else even need to be said? This one fact alone proves the Wii U is better than both the TyrannosaurusRexCumFilledSocks TreeThatADogPissedUpSixtyYearsOldLikeAnOldMan (Xbox 360) and PlayStinky 3 (PlayStation 3). We have all dreamed of being a Colonial Marine, firing our pulse rifle into the air, making hurtful sexist remarks about capable female comrades, and eventually ending our lives in screaming terror as eyeless abominations drag us mercilessly to be processed into little more than macabre wombs.  It's the American dream, and Wii U takes us one step closer to making it a reality. Only on Nintendo's wonder machine can you have a real-life motion tracker in your real-life hands, able to directly pinpoint real-life Xenomorph activity and defecate into your real-life pants with the extreme terror of it all. In REAL life! Aliens is literally the best film ever made (after Alien 3), and Aliens: Colonial Marines will be the best game in the world thanks to the reality-warping properties of the Wii U. You might even start believing you're a trained military professional! How fun would that be? You'd get to kill people in the street for looking browner than you, and nobody can stop you because you're a Colonial Marine! I think that's how it works.  Funky Barn Is the PS3 funky enough for this barn? No. Is the Xbox 360 funky enough for this barn? No. The Wii U, by stark contrast, has been scientifically measured as matching the predetermined levels of funk required to gain entry to the aforementioned barn, and that is why it is the best home gaming system on the market right now.  Just trust me, this point makes sense if you have a Wii U. If not, then tough shit. You should've gotten one. Now you're just a spastic.  Games look dramatically better on the Wii U Before you start thinking I'm a biased fanboy and write this point off as something a loyalist shill might say, bear in mind these are not my words. These are the words of Reggie Fils-Aime! Yeah, not looking so biased now, are they?  [embed]239580:45938:0[/embed] CNN correspondent Reggie Fils-Aime has stated for the record that Wii U games look dramatically better than the visually inferior counterparts found slumming it on PS3 and Xbox 360 -- or should I say PeePissPee and Xbox 360!?!? Yeah, I should say that.  You can't really get less biased than the opinion of a third party, which is why I urge you to not just take my word for it. Please pay attention to the words of people like Reggie, Satoru Iwata, and Shigeru Miyamoto, all hardworking pundits in the industry who have spoken extensively about the qualities of the Wii U. If you insist on ignoring my opinion, go check out those guys, and prepare to have your damn eyes opened.  The GamePad is a bit like an iPad Some of you may not want to accept it, but we've all got to face facts some day -- the iPad is the inevitable future of all gaming. In years to come, the iPad will steadily replace all systems in what is quite clearly a zero-sum game where all that is new exists solely at the expense of the old. And smart people couldn't be happier about it, because the iPad is home to the best videogames on the market. Angry Birds, Angry Birds Space, Angry Birds Star Wars -- the list of quality gaming experiences on iPad goes on and on, and the only safe game companies are those embracing the incontestable conclusion of everything videogames have worked towards. Companies like Nintendo, who have used the Wii U to give us a controller that is exactly like an iPad in every single way except for apps, multitouch, a retina display, comparable battery life, the ability to take it outdoors, and some other things.  The Wii U is now in a prime position to score some of those hot new iPad games, such as Angry Birds, Angry Birds Space, and even Angry Birds Star Wars. Meanwhile, the PS3 is stuck with lame shitty casual games like Angry Birds on the so-called PSN. What a lame duck.  Final Fantasy XIII isn't on it It's the little blessings that make life worth living, after all! God bless you, Wii U -- you're literally Jesus Christ. 
Wii U > 360/PS3 photo
Suck my hardware, you stupid STUPID
The Wii U has had a chance to settle in North America, and just recently hit shelves in Europe. The question on everybody's lips is, of course -- is the Wii U the best home console in the world, and should I throw away every ...


How Xbox Live is blatantly better than PSN, animated

Thomas Truong brings the brilliance once more
Nov 16
// Jim Sterling
Thomas Truong, the man responsible for the excellent New Adventures of Podtoid, has been working on another project, and it's quite glorious. He's gone and taken a section of an old article I wrote, How Xbox Live is Blatantl...
Mountain Dew photo
Mountain Dew

Review: Halo 4: King of the Hill Fueled by Mountain Dew

Oct 31
// Jim Sterling
I'll admit to not being the world's biggest Halo fan, so it took me by surprise to find out that Microsoft had changed Halo 4's name since I last saw it at E3, deciding instead to call it Halo 4: King of the Hill Powered by M...

The Wii is blatantly better than Barack Obama

Oct 18 // Jim Sterling
The Wii has a superior healthcare solution Sure, people like to talk about Obamacare like it's significant, but how many lives has it saved so far? How many diseases has it cured? I just did a Google search and it turns out both cancer and AIDS are still pretty much around, so thanks a lot, NobamaCOULDN'TcareLESS! Meanwhile, the healing properties of the Wii are documented and acknowledged by scientists who have been interviewed in newspapers. As you look at the mounting evidence, you find that Wii-habilitation has stopped elderly people from falling down stairs, eliminated fatness and old age, and made arthritis a thing of the past. There are no pictures of Obamacare saving some little bald kid's life. There are pictures of mad old duffers standing up and waving their hands around. Rejuvenation, for a healthsome America. The Wii is a job creator It took Obama four years to lower the unemployment rates below 8% or whatever it was they said on CNN when I was flicking through channels looking for Adventure Time. Whatever. It took the Wii four weeks probably to become a household phenomenon, creating intense demand in retail stores, thus creating more work, thus logically creating jobs. Somebody had to make, package, and sell those Wiis. How many people had to make, package, and sell Obama? We don't know, because he won't show us his birth certificate, but we can assume not many! Under Obama, people have been so unemployed that they can't even get jobs writing shit like this. Meanwhile, Nintendo has been picking up the slack by hiring people to manufacture, then ultimately dismantle, millions of Wii Speak devices. Don't question me on this, just look at the facts I'm writing. Stimulating the economy Talk about a stimulus package? I've got your stimulus package right here, Barry (I am talking about my testicles and penis when I say this, because "package" sometimes means testicles and penis, even though it doesn't in this case, but that is the joke of what I am saying). Barack Obama has done nothing to fix the economy, selling all our money to China, wasting it on education and science instead of giving it to Jesus to invest, and refusing to use his serpent's staff to banish the national debt to the Forbidden Realm of M'ak'Ta'Luao like we keep telling him to. Obama's stimulus package was a joke, especially when you consider the fact that the Wii basically is a little stimulus package in and of itself. In 2006, before Obama was even born, the Wii was responsible for so many people smashing their television sets with carelessly flung motion controllers, thus the electronics industry experienced a thriving boom. Just look at this graph: The Wii sold basketfuls, driving profits for GameStop, Best Buy, Walmart, Amazon, and other stores that I don't go to. It sold dozens of extra peripherals, continuing to boost fiscal earnings and economic stability. Not to mention the 10 copies of Okami it shifted, which might've helped too. The Wii IS America's stimulus, and the Wii U will be as well. Vote Wii U! Nintendo was a more progressive step forward for American culture Barack Obama made history by becoming the first African-American president of the United States of America. It was a massive accomplishment, a huge step forward for our culture, and it's something I absolutely, positively will not take away from the man. We should all be proud and give ourselves a pat on the back over how not-racist we are. Good for us and our victory, white folks of America. Good for us. However, as significant as Obama's presidency may be in the history of progressive attitudes, it's still but a speck on the gigantic radar of time, as compared to the huge, gelatinous splodge that is Nintendo. While Obama was soaking up the acclaim and making us all feel not-racist, Nintendo broke real ground by employing people who weren't even really human into positions of power. That Nintendo would promote Reggie Fils-Aime, the world's first executive to be made up of 75% chuck steak, is truly the achievement that human civilization will remember forever. As most folks know (mostly just by looking at him), Fils-Aime is only partially made up of homo sapien DNA, with most of his body mass constructed from bits off a butcher's slab. There's some pork in there and probably gravy for blood. He's a meaty, salty, oxtail president of Nintendo, something Obama, with all his petty humanity, could never hope to be. God willing, Nintendo will see meat-men in positions of power all over the globe. They can never die, you see, and need not sleep. America has been too prejudiced against homo savories for too long, and Nintendo's paving the way toward acceptance. Wii did more for gay issues than Obama Obama has stood with his gay brethren, making a stand for same-sex marriage and pledging his support to a demographic that has, for too long, been downtrodden, dismissed, and ultimately despised by a large section of the voting public. However, Obama is only supporting gay marriage for political reasons, and politicians doing things for political reasons because of politics absolutely fucking disgust me. How DARE a politician be politically motivated? How DARE Electronic Arts support LGBT issues because of reasons? How DARE!? How DAAAAAARE!?!?!? Sorry to burst your little bubble, BaCRAP OBALMYSUMMEREVENING (Barack Obama), but I'm going to throw my support behind a company that's done far more for gay issues than you could ever hope. I'm throwing my lot in with the Wii, a system that broke gay boundaries with Muscle March. [embed]237009:45475:0[/embed] Just watch the above video, and YOU tell ME what will ultimately be more beneficial for gay rights in America. Some silly bit of paper saying two guys or two gals are married? Or PURE. UNADULTERATED. MUSCLE!? You decide. I'm just dishing out the facts. Don't ever get me started on Captain Rainbow. The Wii isn't single-handedly responsible for every bad thing in America The debt ceiling. Unemployment. The economy. Terrorism. Jeff Dunham. Crime. No freedom. Jeff Dunham. All the fault of one Barack INSANE (instead of Hussein) Obama. As everybody who has watched FOX News under a democratic government can wisely tell you, the president is 100% responsible for absolutely every single bad thing that's ever happened in the country (all good things, by the way, are thanks to Ronald Reagan). The president micromanages the country like he's playing Theme Hospital, and just like Theme Hospital, people keep dying because of bad health care and inflated heads (a metaphor for big government). Meanwhile, the Wii is NOT president, and thus is NOT responsible for every single bad thing that's ever happened in the United States. How about them apples? Vote Wii U for president, because it's not the president, therefore it's not bad. The TROOPS Obama promised to bring THE TROOPS back home but didn't do so. He broke his promise and left THE TROOPS high and dry in Egypt, or wherever it is they are. One of them countries. While our boys are fighting his wars, Obamama's Boy is sitting at home, dodging the draft and laughing at all the people he's having killed, because he doesn't give a damn about our military and he is also big government. While Buttrack Buttbambutt merely promises, Nintendo's at least trying to get our TROOPS back on home soil. Only the Wii was brave enough to draw up a plan of action. Army Rescue, I haven't played it, but the name says all that needs to be said. The Wii has a living document that says it WILL rescue our army. Given half a chance, it'll do it before stupid 2014, too. TROOPS! The Wii simply has THE better president Ladies and gentlemen, I give you President Cat: [embed]237009:45476:0[/embed] I. Rest. My. God. Damn. Case.
Wii > Obama photo
The REAL political debate of the year
This year, two reigning incumbents are looking to win themselves a second term of power. I am, of course, talking about president-elect of the United States, Barack Obama, and president-man of the eighth console gen...

DmC's new Dante is blatantly better than old Dante

Oct 10 // Jim Sterling
He has black hair The old Dante was undeniably awful because he had white hair, which made him look like a doddery old Granddad. Oh, be careful with your bad hip, Dante, you stupid old piece of shit. The new-look Dante features black hair in a fashionable style, because he is hip with the times and speaks out to the youth of today. I don't know about any of you creaking, ancient farts, but I live in the world of the now! I watch televisual shows like Bang Bang Theory and Come on Honey's Boo-Boo. I don't have time for some useless old duffer who can't even pull his trousers up without getting a hernia.  Sorry to break it to you World War II veterans out there, but we've moved on from the Devil May Cry that you played before going over-the-top to shoot the French with your bayonet. Pensioners like Old Dante, Old Snake, and Old Sephiroth need to be taken out back and shot. The future is vital, beautiful, black-haired youths. Forever.  He was designed by a Western developer Japanese game studios just can't make videogames. I have to agree with Phil Fish on this one. Not a single good videogame has ever been made by a game studio in Japan. The biggest problem is that they draw everything like those silly cartoons they have over there, the ones where women sound like they're getting fucked by a cactus all the damn time, and everybody has eyes so big they could blink and cause a hurricane. I'm sick of the anime crap found in games like Super Mario Bros. and Silent Hill, with all the spiky hair, pretentious prattling about love, and flashy bright backgrounds that are used as a gauche substitute for artistic talent.  Fortunately, we have loads of artistic talent in the West, which is where the new Dante has been designed -- thank you, The One True Christian (not Shinto) God. Not only did Ninja Theory fix the hair, it gave him updated and sensible clothes -- the kind of clothes regular joes like me wear all the time. He no longer looks like some big-eyed, spiky-haired, squealing anime girly-girl, which is what every single character drawn by a Japanese "artist" looks like. Especially that Shigeru Miyamoto character -- who the fuck drew him? His jacket is a better shade of red The original Dante's jacket was more of a Fire-Brick shade of red. A decent shade of red, I'll grant you, but it's not in my top ten shades of red. If you're really asking, the ten best shades of red are as follows: Cardinal Amaranth Scarlet Electric Crimson Venetian Red Carmine Rosewood English Red Persian Red Sangria The new Dante's jacket is more in a Venetian Red shade, which is smack-bang in the middle of my top ten. Meanwhile, Fire-Brick is probably ranked 12 in my list. This is proof that the new Dante is better.  He won't fill your dark soul with light In other words, he won't pull this shit: [embed]235681:45230:0[/embed] You know, they say there's a lab somewhere, where researchers show this scene to rabbits, and the rabbits laugh. That's right -- bunny rabbits, unable to grasp the very concept of humor or irony, have been shown to spontaneously grow awareness of the hilarity in that scene, and start making noises approximate to laughter. It's like a series of short, wheezing sniffs. This scene is such a joke, and old Dante is so fucking ludicrous, that not even rabbits respect him. That's not even me saying it, that's the research! I'd let him fist me I'm sure we all have a shortlist of people who, in the right context, would be welcome to fist us should the desire be brought up. Now, it's never a long list (we're not animals), but it is out there, for every single one of us. The new Dante is on mine, because, well ... look at him. Show me the person who can resist that, and I'll show you someone who's clinically dead.  The new Dante is about ten times sexier than the old one, and I think we've all learned by now that the hotter a character is, the better it is overall. Videogames have taught me that if I don't want to stick my penis and/or vagina in something (or have something stick its penis and/or vagina into me) then I can't connect with it on an emotional level, and therefore cannot play the game. This is why I can barely get five minutes into Ico, but have spent a cumulative thirteen years playing Ridge Racer.  Old Dante is to new Dante as Gary Busey is to the Sistine Chapel. He can fill my dark hole with white, if you catch my drift (anus with semen). He's better written One might argue that you cannot judge the entire characterization of a protagonist based simply on a few trailers. You can't, but you can do something even better -- simply assume things, and then judge the entire plot off the basis of what you just made up.  Based off of my extensive assumptions, I've concluded that DmC: Devil May Cry is a better written game with deeper characterization than any of the other Devil May Cry titles. There's this particularly excellent scene where we find out that the new Dante has struggled for most of his adult life with acute gout, and this has been responsible for most of his unpersonable behavior. He breaks down and admits his condition in a tearful scene, just after he's rescued adult actress Penny Flame from the clutches of Vampire Billy the Kid, before that woman from Murder She Wrote wakes up and reveals it was all a dream ... or was it!? Then Penny Flame shows us all her buttered scones.  Isn't that an awesome scene I just imagined? Proves my point entirely! I mentioned the fisting bit, right? It's worth mentioning twice. Up to the shoulder, son.  Resident Evil 6 Really, after Resident Evil 6, would YOU trust Devil May Cry in Capcom's unbound hands? I wouldn't. Resident Evil 6 has been proven Official Bad, as demonstrated by the fact that some people on Metacritic said so. In fact, if you discount all the positive reviews, a damning 100% of all reviewers HATED the game and wants it go GO AWAY VERY QUICKLY FOREVER. We can't afford to just ignore those kind of diabolical statistics, guys.  Ninja Theory, meanwhile, has only ever produced successful masterpieces. If we apply the same standards we applied to Resident Evil 6, Heavenly Sword currently stands at 100% on Metacritic, as does Enslaved: Odyssey to the West. Simple probability algorithms states in plain black-and-white that Ninja Theory is a better studio than any developer managed by Capcom. Again, don't get mad at me, I'm just reading off the unbiased facts.  The stats don't lie, and nor do I -- DmC is blatantly better than any other Devil May Cry. The new Dante is the best videogame character ever, and if you disagree, you're a dogfucker.
DmC > Devil May Cry photo
Proving superiority through SCIENCE
Ninja Theory's redesign of Dante in DmC: Devil May Cry is easily one of the most controversial overhauls in gaming history. Lengthy arguments have been made, explicitly detailing why the new Dante is such a bad character, and...

What we want in Mirror's Edge 2

Sep 05 // Jim Sterling
More guns and combat Mirror's Edge was interesting in that acrobatics, quick thinking, and knowledge of the terrain were more important than tackling the enemies head-on. Faith was a runner, not a fighter, and that's something a few people appreciated. However, it wasn't visceral enough, thus it would behoove EA and DICE to think about what really makes Mirror's Edge what it is -- guns. It's all very well having wall-running and long-jumping, but we already did that in the first game. If Mirror's Edge 2 is to keep fans invested, it needs to do something fresh, something visceral, something that would invigorate the series and give gamers something they're not used to. I propose that we reduce the environmental navigation stuff by about 84% and replace it with huge flat environments populated by cover that Faith could duck behind, popping heads through the iron sights of an M4 carbine. It would be a visceral experience that would add a lot of visceral combat to the game. Less color Don't get me wrong -- Mirror's Edge was and still is a beautiful game. At the time of release, it had at least 10 more graphics than its leading competitors, and it is still able to graphic better than some of the top games we have in the market right now. However, one problem I had was that it wasn't believable. Bright white buildings? Blue skies? That's just not realistic, and it took me out of the experience a lot. Mirror's Edge 2 could do with some browns and at least 49 more shades of grey in order to make a vibrant, lifelike game that I could actually feel immersed in. This isn't Mickey Mouse's House of Mouse, this is real life, where the sky and the grass could be mistaken for cold concrete. I can't take a game seriously if it has more than three colors in it, because it makes me think of Ren & Stimpy. Online multiplayer mode Look, I love Mirror's Edge as much as the next guy, but seriously? Single-player only? What, are we playing games on Xbox 360 or fuckin' Atari here? A single-player game released in this day and age will die horribly in a market populated by competitive online experiences such as Skyrim Wars, L.A. Combat, and Heavy Rain of Bullets From Guns. All I want is for Mirror's Edge 2 to succeed, and the only way it'll do that is if it has a multiplayer mode. All games are automatically made more fun by the inclusion of competitive multiplayer, because once you've captured a flag in Halo, you must capture all the flags in all of the games forever. When I beat Mirror's Edge's solo campaign (and by "beat" I mean "stopped playing after 40 minutes"), I was ready to capture some flags. Imagine my abject horror at discovering that there were no flags to be captured! FUCK! I had to make my own flags by skewering raffle tickets with cocktail sticks before tossing them into the backyard and crawling in the wet grass, scrabbling to pick them back up, naked and crying as I tried to capture them and fill the gaping anus in my soul. I can't believe DICE did that to me. Don't make the same mistake twice. Co-op Like all true gamers, I can't concentrate on narrative campaigns without another player running around, screaming into a microphone, and impatiently demanding I skip cutscenes so they can keep doing that runny-jumpy thing everybody seems to love doing online. I still have no idea what the first Mirror's Edge was about because I didn't share the experience with a random 13-year-old over Xbox Live. If EA has any respect for storytelling in games, it'll make sure to implement cooperative play so that I can finally pay attention without my mind wandering off and thinking about something else like eggs or witches. Day-one DLC It's like BioWare said -- true hardcore gamers demand downloadable content almost immediately. After spending $60 on a videogame, I'm outright furious if I find out some sleazy publisher has stopped me giving it even more money. I just paid 60 bucks for the damn thing! I'm entitled to spend at least 30 more if I want to, damn it! If Mirror's Edge 2 wants my cash, it better have a range of different-colored gloves, shoes, and pants for me to purchase before I even get the shrink wrap off the box. I'd also love to buy a range of cheats and other items that used to be available for free in past generations. Also, if DICE could withhold some campaign content to sell to me later, I'd seriously appreciate the chance to get rid of all this cash in my bank account. I'm afraid of credit card fraud, and spending it all right now would make me sleep easier at night. It'd also be fantastic if the sectioned-off content could be integrated behind a pay wall within the game itself, because it's immersive to be told by an NPC that it wants 800 Microsoft Points in exchange for opening a door. Happens to me in real life all the time, so why not in games too? Some proprietary social networking thing If there's one thing that enhances my experience of any videogame, it's some weird proprietary Facebook knock-off that's forced into the game and won't run without it. I'd love to be made to open a Web browser in order to boot my game off of a page so that I can receive friend requests and messages from people who will never use it. We could call it EdgeNet, the FaithWeb, or something else cool and catchy. Basically, I want something that looks like Facebook because Facebook is popular, and that means if Mirror's Edge 2 has something that looks like Facebook, it will be popular as well. This is called marketing and the fiscal economy, okay? Oh, and put Twitter in it. Gotta get my Tweet on, guys. An online pass I don't know about you, but I sleep easier at night knowing that the games I play aren't being enjoyed by fucking thieves, like the villainous bandits who purchase games at GameStop at a cheaper price rather than spending $60 at launch like a noble and heroic consumer. This isn't Mad Max, and a few of us still have some damn standards left. When I open a new game, the first thing I like to be greeted with is a code that I have to input in order to receive no tangible benefit. This lets me know that the publisher takes it consumer loyalty seriously, forcing us to prove ourselves to our favorite corporations in exchange for the thing we paid for. It's a matter of principle, you know? I like a company with conviction and honor, and being made to enter 25-digit codes into a virtual keypad is the best way to reassure me that you're on the level. If anything, I think the current online pass model isn't good enough. We should have three passes per game -- one for the single-player, one for the co-op, and one for the competitive multiplayer. If Mirror's Edge 2 made me input three codes to access all of its content, I'd really know I bought a quality product. Let's make it happen, guys! A free fuck up the arse by an EA executive with every purchase Seriously, EA suits, visit the home of every person who buys Mirror's Edge 2 and just cram the entirety of your rigid dick -- and crinkled balls -- right up the fucking arse of the first person to answer the door. Feel free to laugh while you do it, and even do a bit of piss if you want. Give something back to your customers. We've earned it, after all!
The sequel the fans deserve!
Electronic Arts has repeatedly assured fans that Mirror's Edge as a series will not die, that one day we'll get the sequel of our dreams. Nevertheless, folks remain skeptical that we'll ever see Mirror's Edge 2. The original ...

How Xbox Live is blatantly better than PSN

Aug 17 // Jim Sterling
You get what you pay for One argument held against Xbox Live is the fact that you have to pay a subscription fee for its services. However, fools who argue this as a negative against Microsoft are but whimsical court jesters in the throne room of my mind, tittering brainlessly without realizing they are making my point for me. Yes, you pay for Xbox Live, but that's because you pay for quality. Things that we pay for are always going to be better. I don't trust something that somebody's just willing to give me. It's like sex -- am I going to go with the professional sex provider who does this for a living and expects a fair wage, or am I going to choose some amateur who's doing it for free and could literally have anything inside those pants? I will spend dollars for quality, and that's why I will only have sex that I pay for. Likewise, I will only have sex if I've been paid. It's called the economy, dumbass! Look it up in a book sometime. Paying for Xbox Live just proves it's better than the oafish PSN, which clearly has no respect for itself if it'll give us stuff without a charge. Twitter AND Facebook If you're unconvinced by my sound argument above, remember that you're not just paying to play videogames online, you tramp. Microsoft believes in value and entertainment, and that's why when you pay for Xbox Live, you also get access to unique and exclusive social networking tools like Twitbook and that website Jesse Eisenberg made. Before we had Xbox Live, we could only access these features by using our unreliable cellphones or by purchasing and installing expensive, complicated personal computers. Who in the name of Billy St. Fuck wants to go through all the effort of spending $5,000 on a computer and hooking it up to a dangerous Internet full of Trojan Worms and Spyruses? As for cellphones, they sometimes are slow and have a short battery life, which makes them terrible for sharing that hilarious news story about Ron Paul saying something racist. Then there are top-notch video services like Netflix and Amazon Video, which are unavailable anywhere else. Screw the $60 annual charge, Microsoft! For that much stuff, I wish I could give you sixty bucks twice a day. PSN got hacked PSN got hacked once. Microsoft did not. Again, probably because we pay for Xbox Live, we can trust its security and know the service is able to afford a truly secure network that none of us ever need fear. To date, there have literally been NO reports (that I've seen) of anybody being harassed, attacked, conned, or otherwise inconvenienced by another person on Xbox Live (that I personally know). This all goes back to the sex argument again. You have sex with just anybody, you will get cancer and other STIs. You pay for official sex, and you have a clean experience with seasoned pros. If you don't want cancer, don't use the PlayStation Network. It's not rocket science, you hog! Advertising If it weren't for commercials, we would never know what kind of products were available to buy. Buying products stimulates the American Money, which in turn creates jobs, which give people cash to buy the products. Microsoft stimulates the economy by putting ad banners all over the service we've paid good money for, which is great because of businesses. What's more, it's essential for Microsoft -- how else will it be able to provide great online gaming, as well as Twitter and Facebook, without revenue generated by advertising? There is no other way! Meanwhile, the selfish Sony hoards the PlayStation 3 XMB for itself, not thinking about the millions of companies in the world that need to sell their products to consumers and have no reliable means of getting the information out there. It's quite possible that Sony is trying to put every other company in the world out of business so that it's the only one left, and that's maybe what will happen if it continues to maintain radio silence on the so-called PlayStation Network. Also, you have to wonder -- without ads, how is Sony paying to keep its service running? Drugs. That's what I think. I've got none of your "evidence" to back that assumption up, but do you have a better explanation? It's definitely drugs, probably. It's more organized When you boot up your Xbox 360, what's the first thing you want? That's right, Coldplay music videos! Thanks to the efficient organization of Xbox Live, smart gamers are able to get first access to Coldplay videos, while those morons using a PS3 could spend all day looking for Coldplay videos and only find them by the time real gamers have finished watching all of the Coldplay videos. Just imagine all that Coldplay while your rivals on PSN (and they are rivals, all of them) are fumbling around like lost little lambs in an eternal nightfall of darkest black. It's not just Coldplay, of course! From television to sports to movies, everything's been organized to keep you as far away from those distracting videogames as possible. No longer will you be tempted to waste your time on stupid games, because by the time you've scrolled toward them and discovered that you can watch the latest Vin Diesel movie right now, you'll have something far more valuable on your to-do list. Also, thank fuck you can't find Xbox Live Indie Games without having to really dig for them. Those games are all terrible and the people who make them don't need any encouragement. Get Call of Duty maps first Let me tell you a little story. It's about a young boy named Michael. Michael was a fan of videogames and bought all the latest titles. His favorite game was Call of Duty, and all his friends played it as well. However, unlike his friends, Michael played Call of Duty on the PlayStation 3. At first, everything was fine. His friends played CoD on XBL, and he played CoD on PSN. They all were good friends, and talked often of their gaming experiences. Then one day, something strange happened. One of Michael's friends said, "Oh man, playing Call of Duty, the hit videogame from Activision, was great last night with the new map pack we bought." "What new map pack?" asked Michael. He had never heard of this. "The new maps for Call of Duty, the biggest game of the year and available now in all good stores. Surely you downloaded them last night! We all did. We got them from Microsoft's award-winning Xbox Live!" "No," replied Michael. "There were no maps on the PlayStation Network." "Oh my God," said his ten-year-old friend. "Oh my fucking God. Are you serious?" Michael looked horrified, realizing that he no longer could join in with his friends. The other boys glanced at each other nervously. One shifted on his feet uncomfortably. The lead boy looked Michael up and down with a sneer. "I'm sorry Michael," he said spitefully. "But you cannot be our friend anymore. It's time we pulled your clothes off and kicked you naked through the village." And strip him they did. They pushed him to the ground, all eighteen of them, and tore at his pantaloons and tunic. They ripped the woven cloth from his back until he was naked and ashamed, and they spat at him and called him names like "beast-child" and "mother's laundry." They hoist him to his feet and took turns booting him on his bare bottom. Michael stumbled away, crying and red, but still they kicked him, all through the village, and sang of how he did not download the new map pack for Call of Duty. Lo, did the villagers laugh. Old Man Burns, the blacksmith. Grandulf, the apothecary. Even mayor Pompadour had a good old chuckle and pointed at Michael while calling him a "fucking prick."  That night, Michael's father hanged himself by the neck until he was dead, leaving a note that he was "cunting ashamed" of raising "that worthless fucking worm who played Call of Duty on PSN instead of XBL like a damn human being." And that is why you play games on Xbox Live. What got that shitty underwater game once Do you remember that time Microsoft made one XBLA game totally free of charge, for no reason at all? Such a level of generosity has never been seen before or since. After searching on Google multiple times, I found out it was called Undertow. Remember that game? I can't believe Microsoft would just give us shit like that, but it's yet another reason why Xbox Live is top banana. It's American Unlike the PlayStation Network, Xbox Live is American, and as such it enjoys all the benefits that America has to offer. Xbox Live stands for freedom, a strong work ethic, democracy, God, eagles, Obama, and justice. Meanwhile, PSN is not American, and as such does not stand for freedom or any of the other things I can't be bothered to type out again. Also, it's probably racist a little bit. Let us not forget that Japan started World War II by bombing a place once and was also responsible for the physical assault of Kurt Russell, as filmed in the documentary Big Trouble in Little China. Kurt Russell, like Xbox Live, stands for the great American ideals, so an attack on him is practically an attack on The Lord's chosen nation. Japan -- and by extension Sony -- may as well rub its ass on the American flag every time it gleefully runs Big Trouble in Little China on national television, which I'll bet it does daily. Are you going to take that disrespect? Are you going to let Sony revel in the continued abuse of Kurt Russell and Xbox Live? Do you even LIKE freedom, or are you some fuckin' communist who refuses to free Pussy Riot? FREE PUSSY RIOT! BUY XBOX LIVE SUBSCRIPTIONS! PROMOTE FREEDOM! DEATH TO RACISM!

Since medieval times, humanity has debated, argued, and sometimes even fought over the eternal question -- which company is better, Sony or Microsoft? Angry diatribes have been written and blood has been spilled, but neither ...

Bring back Project H.A.M.M.E.R.

Jun 28 // Jim Sterling
Reason 1: Hammers Project H.A.M.M.E.R. is a game about hitting stuff with gigantic hammers. This is awesome because hammers are badass and you feel mighty like a God when you hit things with them. If you are not convinced that the game could be good, then ask yourself this: Are hammers good? The answer is obviously yes, and since Project H.A.M.M.E.R. is all about hammers, it stands to reason the game is good.  Reason 2: Innovation  Innovative games are the best videogames in the industry, because they innovate, and innovation is innovative. Project H.A.M.M.E.R. innovates by allowing players to wield a gigantic hammer, something that has not been done in a videogame before. Try and name a game in which you ever get to use a hammer. No, that one doesn't count. Project H.A.M.M.E.R. is the premier hammer-themed game in the modern console business, and so it is innovation.  Reason 3: Action  I don't know if you realize this yet, but Project H.A.M.M.E.R. allows the user the step into the boots of an action hero who wields an enormous hammer. The intense destructive property of the hammer makes it an adrenaline-pumping weapon for thrillseekers and lovers of hardcore combat gameplay mechanics systems. What is more empowering than laying waste to foes and enemies and opponents with a big hammer? The hammer can break car windows and smash skulls with force, which allows us to invigorate ourselves in the gaming play space.  Reason 4: Emotions  All good videogames are emotional, because videogames are art and art is emotional all of the time. Project H.A.M.M.E.R. has emotions because it allows us to view the world through the eyes of a man who fights with a large hammer. The hammer possesses a duality that allows us to have deep feelings when we hit things with it. It is only thanks to hammers that we have built great achievements in society -- cars, skyscrapers, fires, and televisions. The hammer is a creative force.  The hammer is also a bringer of destruction. That which we used to create can also be used to destroy. This is the dichotomy of Project H.A.M.M.E.R., a game in which we use a creative tool as a destructive weapon. This says a lot about the human condition and allows us to enjoy a mature, adult experience.  Reason 5: This Video [embed]230304:44213:0[/embed] In this video, a man fights with a gigantic hammer. That really says everything, doesn't it? Reason 6: Dark & Gritty Project H.A.M.M.E.R. is a dark and gritty journey for the post-modern generation. Using realistic graphics and a grim color palette, it is designed to be taken seriously by those gamers who don't like to play their games lightly. Move over The Animals Are Crossing, a NEW game is in town, and it doesn't take kindly to your sugary crap.  Part of the reason why Project H.A.M.M.E.R. is so dark and gritty is the main character's decision to utilize the crushing power of a heavy hammer. The hammer is a symbol of grit, ever since it was used by the determined Soviet Russians to build an empire out in the country they live in. Since that time, the hammer has had an association with steely resolve, the kind that is needed when playing a realistic action game set in our perilous modern times.  Reason 7: Dante's Hair Is Black in DmC: Devil May Cry For DmC: Devil May Cry, developer Ninja Theory redesigned Dante to provide a more modern, younger protagonist. His sassy attitude is combined with a controversial new hairdo that upset a number of fans, but sparked intense debate nevertheless. Whether or not DmC: Devil May Cry turns out well remains to be seen, but it will be interesting to find out.  With that in mind, it's pertinent to note that Project H.A.M.M.E.R. also features a male protagonist, except instead of black hair, he has a colossal hammer.  Reason 8: Hammers Project H.A.M.M.E.R. is a game about hitting stuff with gigantic hammers. This is awesome because hammers are badass and you feel mighty like a God when you hit things with them. If you are not convinced that the game could be good, then ask yourself this: Are hammers good? The answer is obviously yes, and since Project H.A.M.M.E.R. is all about hammers, it stands to reason the game is good. 

Project H.A.M.M.E.R. was one of those early announced Wii games that never really went anywhere and quietly disappeared. Alongside Sadness, it was the sort of title that stood out from the minigames and gimmicky PS2 ports. Un...

Diablo III is blatantly better than Torchlight II

Jun 22 // Jim Sterling
A Better Breed of Player Recently, Activision installed a new system where those buying the game digitally would be forced to enter a "review process" for up to 72 hours, during which time they can only play a restricted version of the game and interact only with other restricted players. This vetting process may have been considered controversial by some, but I consider it a wonderful new addition to the game that will weed out wrongdoers. Consider Activision your friendly neighborhood bouncer, turning away the underdressed and underfunded while allowing only the cream of society to cross the velvet rope. By making players wait in a glorified paddock for three days, the impatient and angry will also go away to play something else, meaning that potential troublemakers effectively remove themselves from the equation. This leads to a better gaming atmosphere, free from ne'er-do-wells and rich in intelligent, committed players. Compare this to Torchlight II, where basically anybody will be allowed to play. Who knows what kind of riff raff will stroll through the door while Runic sleeps at its post? Drug addicts? Coldblooded killers such as Toby Soprano from television's Dexter? Illegal immigrants? I'm sorry, but there's a reason why airports have metal detectors and a man paid to stick his hand up the anus of foreign-looking people. It's called FREEDOM FRIES, guys. Ever heard of it?  Always Online DRM (Digital Rights Merriment)  Some people would consider Diablo III's always-online DRM requirements to be a negative thing, but those people are lying to themselves just like my mother did when she looked at herself in the mirror every single morning and told herself she had to drown him. Fact of the matter is, it isn't 1933 anymore -- criminals are a very real part of society these days, and businesses need to protect themselves. It is the only way they can continue to serve you the kind of great quality products we know and love, such as Band Hero and games similar to Band Hero.  Diablo III uses the real-money auction house, a hot new feature that finally turns everybody's favorite hack n' slash RPG into an authentic eBay simulator. Just like the real eBay, Activision needs to shield itself and its consumers from fraud and cheaters. If the game allowed players to play offline, they could hack the game, duplicate items, and ruin the carefully crafted economy that players have been demanding since Battle Chess. Thanks to the always-on DRM, nobody has been able to ever cheat in Diablo III, making the auction house 100% trustworthy.  So ask yourself, how on EARTH is Torchlight II planning to protect its own real-money auction house from cheaters? Huh? Huh? I guarantee that Torchlight II's economy is going to tank just like the American one did thanks to Mitt Romney's social ectoplasmic policies. Call me a stickler for security, but I won't be using Runic's virtual eBay anytime soon! Yes, sometimes the entire game goes down for maintenance and you can't play it offline, but let me present you with this little morsel of a concept -- you can't use a toilet when a janitor is fixing it, can you? No, didn't think so. Let the janitors fix your toilets, and let Blizzard fix your Diablo III. LOGIC! General Chat When playing computer games, I like to feel that I am connected to a vast world of fellow players who are arranging keyboard symbols in such a way that they vaguely resembles penises. Sometimes games can be dark and morbid, and who doesn't like to have their mood lightened? Thanks to Diablo III, I never feel like I am alone because I have a chatroom constantly flickering in the side of the screen and distracting me from the game's super serious world of darkness. It gives me that spoonful of smiles I need to keep on clicking! This is what we in the business call "immersion." I think it's great that Activision patched it so that the chat would be forced upon players the moment they start the game. That way players would have penises and insults greeting them the moment they start their latest session, which in turn is guaranteed to make them grin and therefore have a better time. It's simple psychology, which is why Diablo III is going to have lots of happy players while Torchlight II, which makes you play with people in order to see their comedy penises, is likely going to have a high suicide rate among users.  Diablo III Does Choice Correctly  With Diablo III, you don't have to worry about allocating skill points, creating your own characters, or tailoring a play style to suit your talents. All of that has been taken care of for you, allowing you more time to actually play the game rather than slave over talent trees and menus.  It's a streamlined and elegant approach to gaming. First of all, leveling up works out all those fiddly stats for you, upgrading your character as it sees fit. Secondly, you only ever need to find loot with your character's primary stat and/or Vitality, allowing you to quickly select the right tools for the job and play eBay with the rest of it. Thirdly, the game's higher difficulty levels bottleneck you into one particular playstyle so you eventually stop wasting time experimenting with garbage. The game even hides the option to fully customize your character's abilities in a sub-menu, removing the easy temptation to do anything other than just have fun! Runic Games isn't about fun. Runic Games would rather force you to agonize over skill point allocation and make tough choices about how you want to play. It takes its overwhelmingly exhausting choices so far that you even have to choose a hair color for your character! Hair colors! Sorry, but in the real world, we're stuck with the hair color we're born with and we have to all live with it! We neither get to, nor want to, start messing around with what The Lord Jesus Christ in Heaven gave us at birth.  I hate choice. I still remember when I was asked if I wanted to terminate life support for father and I just couldn't decide whether it would be more fun to get rid of him or keep him in a state of permanent vegetation. From that day forth I vowed never to be forced to make a decision ever again, and I'll be damned if Torchlight II is the one to see me break my oath.  Oh, and in case you're wondering, I eventually opted to have the doctors turn the switch halfway and just keep it hovering there. I assume it kept him in some state of spooky undeath.  No LAN Play Why the Hell are people bitching about there being no LAN play in Diablo III? Do you know when people played games via LAN? 1963, probably! Diablo III doesn't need LAN play because it is on the cutting edge of the technological wave, surfing into tomorrow on a board made of science and wearing the Bermuda shorts of discovery. Diablo III doesn't support LAN because it doesn't need to support LAN.  What the Hell are you thinking, Torchlight II? Yeah, sure, yeah, let's all play Torchlight II locally like a couple of geekatrons from the History Channel. While we're at it, why not play on our zoetropes and spin a hula hoop across the street with a fucking stick? Oh hey, Runic Games, do you guys need your pills and your wheelchairs, you bunch of stupid granddads?  Face facts, readers. Nobody plays LAN anymore. No games have supported LAN since about 1992. Torchlight II is a crusty old fart compared to the sleek and polished Diablo III, which uses real Internet like a real game.  Torchlight II Has Too Many Colors  Seriously, have you seen screenshots of Torchlight II? It's like the Teletubbies shat all over a box of Candy Corn and shoved it up a Care Bear's ass. In any given screenshot I've counted no less than twenty-nine colors, which is about seven colors too many for a game like this. Compare it to the refined color scheme of Diablo III, as grim and dark as it has always been, with no complaints ever had about its art style. The difference is clear.  Let's get this straight -- videogames should never look like cartoons, unless they're the Skeleton Warriors game for Sony PlayStation which was, admittedly, based on a cartoon. Outside of that one exception, however, I want my games looking serious, gothic, and as close to colorless as you can get without being a 1920s public safety announcement. At times, Diablo III is so dark that it sucks all the natural sunlight out of my room and plunges the entire street into perpetual night. Going from that to the Lucky Charms horseshit that is Torchlight II makes me vomit blood. Black blood. Because I'm a real hardcore gamer.  Ultimately, only real hardcore gamers play Diablo III, vetted as they are, dedicated as they will be, and grateful as they remain. Torchlight II, with its childish visuals, dated mechanics, impregnable interface and frankly shameless willingness to let anybody play the game is due to fail. Hard and fast. If you're some sort of idiotic chicken-baby, then perhaps you might have fun playing that ridiculous nonsense, but us mature adults who actually want to play the straight dope will stick with Diablo III, thanks!  It is just blatantly better, and you don't even know.

Diablo III launched a few scant months ago, but its PR snafus and controversial business decisions have soured a fair few players. Meanwhile, Runic Games has sat back and capitalized, as jilted dungeon crawlers look toward To...


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