hot  /  reviews  /  videos  /  cblogs  /  qposts

Satire

Nintendo E3 photo
Nintendo E3

Nintendo lost E3 because it failed to exceed my unreasonably high expectations


Why won't Nintendo do what I want?
Jun 17
// CJ Andriessen
For me E3 didn’t start until Tuesday evening when, after a day of avoiding spoilers at work, I was able to sit down at my computer, open a bottle of wine and enjoy the annual Nintendo E3 Digital Event. As a life-long ...
 photo

E3: The Last Guardian booth tour


Found it
Jun 14
// Niero Desu
Welp.
Assassin's Creed E3 photo
Assassin's Creed E3

Ubisoft scrambling to make Assassin's Creed E3 demo more playable than final game


Disappearing face epidemic under control
Jun 12
// CJ Andriessen
With just a few days until the start of E3, sources within Ubisoft say the company is doing everything possible to make the E3 demo of Assassin’s Creed: Syndicate the ultimate gaming experience -- unlike the broken, bug...
E3 2015 photo
E3 2015

E3 2015: A look back at the most memorable moments of E3


Do you remember these classic moments?
Jun 08
// CJ Andriessen
We are a week away from E3 2015, which is promising to be the most exciting yet. An estimated 50,000 people are expected to attend the three-day event to try out the latest and greatest video games from the top developers and...
Fake Nintendo E3 Plans photo
Fake Nintendo E3 Plans

Randomly generate leaked Nintendo E3 plans


Metroid: Feminist
Jun 07
// Jed Whitaker
It is almost time for E3 2015 which means lots of leaks are about to start pouring onto the internet, most of which are fake. Brian Lee made a website to save hoaxers some time as it randomly generates an itinerary for the Ni...
Sony E3 photo
Sony E3

Sony remastering its 2010 E3 press conference for 2015


Call it an E3peat
Jun 01
// CJ Andriessen
After admitting it has nothing worthwhile to show for the rest of 2015, Sony today confirmed rumors it will be remastering its 2010 press conference for this year’s E3. Called “Sony 2010 Press Conference: The ...
Wave 4 amiibo photo
Wave 4 amiibo

Wave 4 amiibo launch a bust after only 10 people trampled to death


That's one for every Robin made
May 29
// CJ Andriessen
The highly anticipated fourth wave of amiibo figures hit stores today and by all accounts sold out within a matter of minutes. This should be good news for Nintendo, but sources within the struggling video game company say ma...
Easy Joke photo
Easy Joke

Employee kidnappings up 500% after Doug Bowser begins work at Nintendo


Bob Ganondorf in billing also suspected
May 22
// CJ Andriessen
The warm welcome for Doug Bowser, the new Vice President of Sales at Nintendo of America, is over after it was reported female employee kidnappings have increased 500% since he started earlier this week. More than 10 beauti...
Mobile Gear Solid photo
Mobile Gear Solid

Konami proves mobile is the future of gaming with Metal Gear Solid V iOS port


Apple Watch version under consideration
May 18
// CJ Andriessen
Last week, Konami announced its intention to focus on mobile gaming going forward, saying the platform is the future of the industry. This morning the company proved that even the most complicated console game can feel righ...
Cooking drama photo
Cooking drama

Male gamer faces unwanted catcalls, ogling at Cooking Mama competition


#MenGameToo
May 11
// CJ Andriessen
A recent Cooking Mama tournament in Portland, Oregon was mired in controversy after a series of posts on reddit exposed the rampant sexism that happened towards male competitors at the event. Kyle Phillips, who flew from In...
Fake Game News photo
Fake Game News

Madden 16 simulation predicts which players will be arrested this season


Hide their kids, hide their wives
May 04
// CJ Andriessen
The launch of Madden 16 is still months away and while many of the new game mechanics and features are being kept a secret, the developers today did reveal one addition to the storied franchise that will tell gamers which NFL...
Reverse-Censoring photo
Reverse-Censoring

Publisher reverse-censoring upcoming FPS for Japanese audiences


Bigger guns, bigger boobs, bigger everything!
Apr 27
// CJ Andriessen
On July 15, gamers in the U.S. and Europe will get their hands on the highly anticipated first-person shooter The Kill Squad. The title, developed by Gunner Games, will also see a release in Japan but players there will have ...
C.A.T. PRO X photo
C.A.T. PRO X

Mad Catz' newest peripheral is an actual, living cat


Introducing the C.A.T. PRO X
Mar 03
// Kyle MacGregor
Mad Catz unveiled its latest gaming peripheral today, the revolutionary C.A.T. PRO X. The hot new accessory is a small, domestic mammal that can be used to cradle a mobile phone, PlayStation Vita, or other similar device...
Promoted blog photo
Promoted blog

Kickstarter launched for spiritual successor to EarthBound, Mach Rider, SimEarth


Promoted from our Community Blogs
Feb 14
// CJ Andriessen
[Just in time for Valentine's Day. -Mr Andy Dixon] Fans of Ecco the Dolphin, Mega Man Legends, Duck Hunt and Advent Rising should head to Kickstarter right away to throw their support behind a new campaign for a game that is a spiritual successor to those titles and any other game you one time said you’d want a sequel to in a chatroom or comment thread.
Amiibo photo
Amiibo

Nintendo: Next wave of amiibo to be eBay exclusive


More news at 11
Feb 12
// Kyle MacGregor
Newsbrief: Nintendo has unveiled a new plan to curb soaring amiibo prices on the secondary market, inking an exclusive new partnership with eBay seller xXxNoScopeXxX. The move is designed to cut out predatory middle...
Disclosure photo
Disclosure

I hope this video satisfies your desire for disclosure


It does satisfy my need for NITRO-FUELED MAYHEM
Jan 26
// Bill Zoeker
Here's the full triple-scoop disclosure bottom line. Alessandro and I went to cover this preview event for The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt last week. I was late to be added to the list, so we knew going in that we'd have to sh...
Chinese Holmes photo
Chinese Holmes

Jonathan Holmes' face broadcast to entirety of China


Promoted from our Community Blogs!
Dec 16
// arkane9
[A wild Holmes appears! --Mr Andy Dixon] After rising up the ranks at Destructoid and becoming Editor-in-Chief, Jonathan Holmes sets his eyes on China. The country is growing in both economy and power, but what Mr. Holmes' real goal is is currently unconfirmed. His recent appearance on the Chinese news channel CCTV 13 opens up room for speculation.
Promoted Blog photo
Promoted Blog

New Xbox One game simulates what itís like to own a PS4


Promoted from our Community Blogs!
Oct 31
// CJ Andriessen
[Dtoid community blogger Its About To Get Gay In Here is quickly becoming our resident satirist blogger. Here is a lovely example of them bringing both the funk and the noise. Want to see your own stuff appear on the front pa...
Sarkeesian photo
Sarkeesian

Here's Anita Sarkeesian speaking on the Colbert Report


'I'm well liked'
Oct 30
// Darren Nakamura
Objective videogame journalism time! Anita Sarkeesian was on The Colbert Report last night. Here are some videos of that. The one above shows Sarkeesian's interview with Colbert. The one below is Colbert's introduction segme...
Steam report photo
Steam report

Steam user delighted by crap in Steam inventory


Oct 29
// Kyle MacGregor
Upon booting up Steam this morning, Internet denizen Tiffany Park discovered a notification on the program indicating a number of new items were located in her Steam inventory. "I got really excited," Park told Dest...
Special teabag report photo
Special teabag report

Report: Gamer teabags opponent after narrow victory


Victim unsure as to why, psychologist explains
Oct 13
// Kyle MacGregor
An Xbox live user contacted Destructoid this week with a complaint of being excessively teabagged upon completion of an online multiplayer match in a popular action game. "I'm not sure why he was doing it," said victim Jeff M...

Gallery: The sexiest booth babes of Tokyo Game Show

Sep 18 // Niero Desu
GPS 2014 is so much fun!   I got to fly inside Tokyo City, which is a third country world that videogames were ejected from. The best thing about going to another country's videogame show is to see the latest innovations in thongs and drink badly spelled things from their vending machines. Wacky! Pictured: Koei Booth Actress. What a crazy leather outfit, can she breathe in that? Unlike in Our Great Civilization of West, this show is predominantly staffed by women (take notes, we could learn something!) who are forced to memorize like five pages of game information.  They spend months learning our language, too! Since I've worked in videogames so long and still own my Atari 2600 (it's in my living room!) I always quiz them on the spot to make sure they're not just models. Modeling is really ruining videogames and every time I teach people that on Twitter they follow me around. Pictured: This girl knew her stuff! She's not holding videogames back 100 years I hate to make Stereotypefaces, but in my experience Japanese women do look impressed when I walk right up and say "Moshi Moshi"! Trying to learn a little Japanese is just good manners. Another easy one is "chotto" which means "cut me open." Just don't ask for their phone numbers unless you know your Itchy Nissans. Like the old and best E3s of yesteryear, Tokyo Gamescom gets in trouble every year for inspiring pubic negligence, but who am I to judge? I don't go to that Europino to tell people about the advances in Western dental care. Like my dad always says, "When in Rome, eat the pizza or you're wrong." Pictured: Smoking Squenix Sisters! What sort of emotional scarring do those eyes tell? I could not believe my eyes how not Western this show was! People you live next to would be like, "Well well, nobody at my bank wears that," and that's called Lost in Transgender, which is a great movie that white people like to see before trying to make friends with Koreans. Put your pumpkin spice latte down and get a load of this beauty: Pictured: Some mobile company. Do you think she cries when she sees hamburgers? My friend Dale said she couldn't find a single Nigerian man dressed as Persona 4, but we did meet hundreds of beautiful Orients and took photos of them in their natural habitats. Professional blogger tip: I always asked if I could take their photo, because they sort of threw my black friend into jail for not getting a video waiver. Watch out for that karate chop! That's all for day one of Tonka Games Show 2014. For pointy elbows see this gallery! Note: Some photos may have been slightly Photosharpened for Western Twitter decency standards.
TGS booth babes photo
Super sexy! Click every picture thrice and Myspace it
The moment all you college dudes have been waiting for is here! So make sure your boss isn't looking and get ready to steamboat the weasel, because I need the pageviews and my gallery is the tits!

E3 secret leaks photo
We've left no stone unturned!
We've gotten our hands on some verifiable official E3 2014 leaks and secrets and we're spilling the beans. Find out what's in store from Microsoft, Nintendo, Ubisoft, Epic Games, EA, and all the other big companies making important announcements. Get a sneak peek at news about Battlefield 5, a new Nintendo MMO, Destiny, and all every other E3 reveal and announcement.

Jimquisition: Gamer Guys

Jul 08 // Jim Sterling
 photo
Jimquisition happens every Monday!
Jimquisition travels to another time and another place, examining a world taken over by gamer guys and their testosterone-addled inanity. Something must be done! Fortunately, your ol' pal Jim Sterling is here to take those insincere culture thieves down a peg, and put gaming in the hands of those to whom it belongs. Welcome to the Sarkybastardverse, which is definitely a real thing now.

Battlefield69 photo
Battlefield69

EA buys Battlefield13-20.com? Pfff, we own Battlefield69


Next Gen is balls
May 08
// Niero Desu
BREAKING: DESTRUCTOID LEADS THE ARMS RACE IN STUPID MILITARY DOMAIN NAMES San Francisco, CA - Somewhere near Philz Coffee and 24th Street It appears that EA has registered www.Battlefield13.com through www.Battlefield20.com, ...
Indie game vs NRA photo
Indie game vs NRA

The Best Amendment calls out the NRA


"Hell is other people. But what if other people are you?"
Apr 07
// Fraser Brown
In an effort to poke holes in NRA vice president Wayne LaPierre's belief that only a "good guy" with a gun can stop a "bad guy" with a gun, Paolo Pedercini has created The Best Amendment, a satirical PC game, report...

Ten golden rules of online gaming

Mar 10 // Jim Sterling
1: Online gaming is serious business: So, you finally got your game hooked up and are ready to play. Now, you may be forgiven for thinking that online gaming is about having fun. You are very wrong and you will learn this in due time. Because we gamers are too physically weak to pick random fights in bars, we must assert our alpha male dominance another way -- by twiddling our fingers around on buttons until virtual representations of people we don't know simulate death.  This is your life now, and you are connected, physically and emotionally, to your in-game avatar. When they frag you, do you not bleed? Well, no you don't but that's not the point. You will mourn him for every second of that respawn countdown. His digital death just killed a little piece of you, and you will avenge with the fury of a thousand angry Gods.  In team games, if you are losing, remember to berate your teammates and tell them how much they suck. You won't be making a fool out of yourself for ordering them around and reminding them that your side is losing and nobody's helping you win. Also, you must use words like "alpha," all the time, just like you're a real army man! 2: Noobs are scum: People who are new to a particular game are terrible vermin who you should not fraternise with. These subhumans are known as noobs and they are the pariahs of online gaming. You, however, were never a noob. You were playing games online before the Internet was even invented. In fact, you're so awesome that you were playing Dizzy the Egg team deatchmatches on your Commodore 64. Make sure to check out the stats of anybody in a game with you. If they have not been playing for long, then you must hurl insults at them because they are lesser human beings. Laugh cruelly if noobs are your opponents, and grimace loudly if they are on your team.  Also, the term noob has such power that if you dislike someone's actions in a game, you can say it to them as well. Obviously, displeasing you is deadly enough to make them forget all their prior gaming experience and they actually revert back into children.  3: If a feature in a game is popular/effective, it is cheap: Be it the chainsaw in Gears of War, or snipers in any FPS ever made, there are a number of cool features and tactics in games that people not only find enjoyable to use, but are often highly effective methods of securing victory -- never use them. If you do so, you are cheap and will become a noob. You are a hardcore gamer now, which means you only use shotguns or anything else that's really boring. You hate all that is popular, and if you see anybody utilising the best/more useful features of a game, you are to get rid of them immediately.   If these pukes were good at the game like you, they wouldn't need to rely on such cheap tactics, would they? They'd be like you, running around with the shotgun, not having fun and despising everything everyone else is doing. The fact that they have killed you so many times is proof of how bad they are at playing. 4: If anything kills you at all, it is cheap: Like the above rule, but applied to every potential threat in a game. If someone shoots you to death using nothing but a pistol and with his eyes closed, he is being cheap. Cheap is one of the most brutal insults after noob, and anybody who hears it will feel worse about the fact they are winning ten to zero. It's a hollow victory, because they are so cheap. 5: If you are losing, it is because of lag: Following on from the cheapness laws, you will soon get to learn that nothing is ever your fault when it comes to gaming. Lag is a process whereby everyone in the game becomes better than you thanks to the Internet helping them become cheap. The Internet does this a lot, but never affects the enemies you kill yourself, because you have skills. Nearly every death you ever suffer in a game will be due to lag of some kind. The Internet hates you that much, even though you are so good. 6: If you are losing badly, it is because they are hacking: Losing a little is one thing, that's just lag conspiring to keep your ownage levels down, but lag can only help the noobs cheaply beat you so much. If you are losing to such a point where not even your lag-pwning skill seems to be making a difference, well there's only one solution, and it's not that they are better than you -- it's that they are hacking. People who appear to be doing a lot of killing and not much of being killed are hackers, plain and simple. There is no way they're that good without cheating. Re-assure your team (after calling them worthless) that the enemy is clearly powered by nefarious undertakings and you are being penalized for your wholesome and pure ways. Then remember to say alpha. 7: Everyone is gay: Before the Internet was invented, gay people were those in society who were attracted physically and emotionally to members of the same gender. Since the Internet, everyone and everything is gay. From the gun they use to kill you, to the voice they use to communicate with you, it is all gay, gay, gay. Lag is gay, snipers are gay, noobs are gay, people from other countries are gay, the countries they come from are gay, the ocean the country is surrounded by is gay, the fish in the ocean are gay, all sealife is gay, life is gay, gays are gay, gay gay gay. Gay. Using the same one-syllable word to describe everything you don't like might not be an indicator of a varied vocabulary, but who cares? Words are gay. 8: Singing is awesome: Communicating via a headset is great because it lets gamers sing, and that is one of the only reasons we buy headsets. In fact, some people are known to log into servers just to hear poor quality, nasal renditions of the latest "phat tracks." One of the most original and beloved songs to sing is anything done by Rick Astley. Try to sing as loudly and obnoxiously as you can into your headset before, during and after a game, only stopping when you need to step away from the mic to breathe. Everybody will be impressed and will want to play with you again. In fact, you're so great at singing that the only reason you're not on Broadway right now is that showbusiness is full of lag. If you lack the raw sexual magnetisim and confidence that is required to sing during a game, you can always hold the microphone up to some speakers and play your favorite tunes for everybody. Your fellow gamers really care what your musical interests are and will applaud your tasteful selection of tracks.   9: Calling people naggers is both original and hilarious: Racism online is bad, which is a shame because deep down everybody knows it's actually awesome. There is, however, a really witty workaround that allows you to say racist words while not actually saying them. Remember that episode of South Park where Randy believed that the missing letter in "n - ggers" was an I? Then he said the full word and everyone was shocked because it was actually naggers and not that word? Well, here's a pro tip -- nobody has EVER thought of calling people naggers online. You are going to be so edgy if you capitalize on this opportunity. Do it all the time and your popularity will skyrocket. 10: Team members who score are kill stealers: Kill stealing is one of the most abhorrent and despicable crimes ever committed, and is even listed in some modern Bibles as the eighth deadly sin. Every opponent is a victim waiting to die by your hand alone, and if anybody dares shoot them before you, they are a kill stealer. Only you may have the glory of the kill, and woe betide anybody caught shooting at the same target as you. If they get the win, they clearly stole your kill. Even if you and a team member are on opposite sides of the game map, they kill stole. Obviously they did. Probably thanks to a hack. Just remember, of course, that you are not a kill stealer. You are merely an opportunist. Besides which, since all the enemies are your personal fodder anyway, you're taking nothing away from the meat puppets who are only there to be noobs and bring down your score by sucking. These are the ten golden rules of online gaming. There are of course plenty of other important laws, but this should be everything you need to get started off on the right footing. First impressions are crucial, and with these ten rules in mind, you will always impress.  Good luck pwning, my fellow online warriors. May noobs fall at your feet and your sword cut through the mists of lag forevermore.
Everyone is gay photo
Everyone is gay
[Destructoid turns 7 next week! Here's our most popular article from January 2009, one of Jim's first features. Check out more of our earlier works in our Golden Archives. -Niero] People have been hunched over their PCs, firi...

The Call of Sarkeesian

Mar 08 // Jim Sterling
My knowledge of the thing began only yesterday with the death of my computer. It had always served me well, but it appeared its time was at an end. I thought it merely a simple result of time, the mortality of the machine a reflection of the end we must all face. How I wish I had remained under that suspicion, and toiled thusly in ignorance. No ... it was ignorance that compelled me to press on. Ignorance that inspired me to seek truth. Ignorance that saw such terrible knowledge thrust upon me.  Unsatisfied with my initial belief, I decided instead to attempt to fix the computer. My machine is a hulking beast of monolithic proportions, tall and black, cast in cold black metal. I swung open its side panel like stone wrought doors pulled free of a mausoleum, and peered inside. What I saw was not the interior of any computer I knew, or even the one I had. I'd opened this thing countless times, looked within to tap on this or confirm that. On this day, however, I saw not the familiar boards and wires that greeted me in the past. It was ... empty. Completely empty.  All except one thing.  The figure was between seven and eight inches in height, and of exquisitely artistic workmanship. It represented a monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with a woman-like head whose face looked like a woman, a feminine, womanly-looking body, women's hands and feet, and some frightening objects I had never seen before on its chest. This thing, which seemed instinct with a fearsome and unnatural maternity, squatted evilly on a rectangular block or pedestal covered in what looked to be PS3 and Xbox 360 logos. The figure was horribly life-like, so alien in structure yet vaguely, unnervingly familiar. It was carved from some unknown material, greens and whites, with an unnatural coldness. Carved on its underside were two words. "Sarkeesian fhtagn."  Upon reading these words, my computer switched itself back on, seemingly unpowered, yet working as if it never had broken. If only that had been the end of it. I knew not then what I know now, of the terrible thing I had set into motion, but though my activities were performed in naivety, I still feel I must be punished for what I had done.  It is my fault. It is all my fault.  I did not know why I was chosen, why it was I who had to speak the black words and awaken the ... the abomination. All that matters now is that I did.  Though unsettled, I thought to use the computer anyway, at least to research the origins of this unknown ornament of which I had possession. However, upon accessing the Internet, I was greeted only with one word -- one terrible, awful word, that filled me with a dread so dark and so dismal, I fear to feel it again. Sarkeesian. Sarkeesian Sarkeesian Sarkeesian. As I read this word over and over, yet stranger things began to happen. The copy of Naruto Powerful Shippuden that was sitting on my desk began to emit a strange hissing noise, consistent with that of a kettle brought freshly to boil. It then began to crack, to twist, to snap violently on the desk as if crushed in the hand of some invisible being of considerable size. It contorted this way and that, writhing on the desk as if like a serpent in its death throes. It took less than a minute before it ground itself into dust.  "In her house at Y'outube dead Sarkeesian waits scamming." The message stood bold on my computer screen, typed not by me. Typed not by anyone. Yet there it was, clear as day and bold as brass. I heard more squealing hisses from the next room, but I remained fixed in my place, cold sweat running in rivulets from my brow and neck. I was possessed by a fear, an all consuming terror. A URL made itself known. A link I fear to share, lest I inflict this madness upon anybody else. So foolish I was, to not turn back now while I still had innocence left to claim. I accessed the URL anyway. I was taken to a website. This "Y'outube" of which the mysterious phrase spoke. There was a video there, Tropes vs. Women in Videogames. What blasphemy! Women? In Videogames? I almost gagged at the mere sight of such black and foul words tossed casually in the face of mankind and of God. God ... I almost laugh at the mention of His name now.  Why did I watch it?  There exist no words in the English language adequate enough to describe what I saw, though I did not watch the thing in its entirety. To be exposed for the mere seconds I was had been more than enough, and I fear any more would reduce me to a gibbering wreckage of remains only human in appearance. A voice so horrifically unassuming. Arguments so disturbingly uncontroversial. This was a product of something cosmically beyond our pitiful grasp. We are as insects, facing the infinite. Please let me forget.  I had barely noticed the hissing around me grow to deafening proportions, but as I closed my browser with shaking hands, tears clouding my vision, the noise suddenly stopped. I weakly lifted myself from my seat, stumbled into my drawing room with all the grace of a village drunk, and witnessed an awful sight. All my videogames were gone. All my videogame consoles were missing. In their place, only dust. Only desiccated dirt. I had watched a video of a woman on the Internet ... and now all my videogames were gone. Forever.  Heed this warning before it is too late for you. Do not seek the knowledge I so stupidly pursued. Do not hunt down that which will prey upon you. Do not watch a video of a woman on the Internet, because all of your videogames will be gone forever. That's definitely how it works.  What has risen may sink, and what has sunk may rise. Loathsomeness waits and dreams in the deep, and political correctness spreads over the tottering cities of men. A time will come -- but I must not and cannot think! Let me pray that, if I do not survive this blog post, my executors may put caution before audacity and see that Tropes vs. Women in Videogames meets no other eye.  Because videogames.
Call of Sarkeesian photo
Stell'bsna n'gha
I have of late been subject to some strange occurrences. Some may even say ... frightening ... circumstances. Indeed, the things I have seen make me so very grateful for the inability of the human mind to truly understan...

 photo

Jimquisition: Emotions, Polygons, and Ellen Page


David Cage is your daddy
Mar 07
// Jim Sterling
This week, Father of Dreams and visionary game director David Cage hosts the show and tells us all about emotion. Emotion. Emotion. What is it like to feel? What can videogames learn from film? How well does David know Ellen Page? Watch this soul-scorching video and prepare to be impressed. Emotion.

The perfect Mortal Kombat movie cast, CONFIRMED

Feb 26 // Jim Sterling
Bill Murray as Jax Bill Murray, famous for his roles in The Ghost Bustings and Charlie's Angels, brings a sense of levity and fun to every role he portrays, a perfect fit for the Bluesy humor often displayed by Jax in the hit videogame. However, Murray knows when it's time to put away the lighthearted goofs and get serious, as we saw in the stunning semi-autobiographical Garfield Day.  Gene Hackman as Scorpion It's time to be scared, everybody! The sinister Gene Hackman is on the prowl, and you have no idea what he's gone and done this time! Hackman's icy persona and stoic menace make him a perfect fit for Mister Scorpion, who I think is a bad guy from Hell or something. This Hollywood beast has terrified me ever since I was a child, and I've often found myself being incredibly angry at him for no reason. He's the actor we love to hate, and sometimes just plain hate -- well suited for such an intimidating character.  George Lopez as Reptile Reptile just loves to have fun, and plays pranks on the heroes of Outer Worlds all of the time. Whether it's putting plastic flies in ice cubes before Raiden's gala ball, or telling Liu Kang his ears are really gross even when they're not, you just never know what kind of gentle, audience-appropriate shenanigans Reptile will get up to next. Our focus testing suggests comedian and talk show host George Lopez would be ripe for the role -- a rising star with a lot to offer. Vince Vaughn as Baraka Baraka is always smiling because of some funny things he's thought of, and Vince Vaughn has the brightest smile in all of Tinsel Town. It's a marriage made in marketing heaven! Starring in comedies such as George of the Jungle and The Mummy Returns, Vaughn's roles are comical but also a bit serious at the same time, as seen in the more dramatic parts he's played in Bedazzled and Dudley Do-Right. Of course, Baraka is also scary when he needs to be, so we may need to convince Vaughn to threaten some girls so they'll be really creeped out by him on the silver screen. Jack Nicholson as Goro All we need are two fake arms and a thong, and Mr. Shining will do all the rest. Watching Nicholson onscreen is like seeing pure magic pour out of a sorcerer's arse, the man's just got charisma dripping from every crag in his chiseled face. As Goro, Nicholson's job will be to act as a force of power for the heroes to overcome, but also say things that will appeal to toy-buying kids, such as "Radical" and "This is hella bunk, you frisky idiot." Goro is important to the monetary post-release support of the movie, but Nicholson's raw energy will bring him to life.  Jennifer Lawrence as Sonya Blade In all honesty, as great as Lawrence is, we have no justifiable reason as to why she'd be good for the part of Sonya. However, our intensive research suggests that so long as we can somehow convince the star of The Hungry Games to be in this thing, absolutely nothing else will matter.  Kenan & Kel as Raiden We looked at the hard data, and while Raiden is still a popular character with long-time fans of Mortal Kombat, it's apparent that he's failing to connect with a wider audience. The new Mortal Kombat movie will re-envision Raiden as a hip talking street cat who breaks all the rules, and who better to give this fresh direction form than Hollywood newcomer Kenan & Kel? First rising to fame in his own eponymous TV show, Kenan & Kel has been on an upward climb that's impossible to ignore. We're very excited to have him on board, and expect to see great things from this child prodigy.  Val Kilmer as Liu Kang Everybody, it's time to meet The Man Who Was The Bat Man! Is there nothing The Kilmeister can't do? There's just one thing -- be bad at acting! In many ways, Mortal Kombat has always been Liu Kang's story, and so it falls to me to deliver a leading man who has the style, the savvy, and the look of this martial arts icon. There is no other man worthy, especially with The Dark Knight Rises still hot on our breath and warm in our bellies.  Mila Kunis as Sub Zero Incredibly beautiful, and such a talent, Mila Kunis is far and away one of the biggest female celebrities in the world of film, and is perfect as the classic heroine Sub Zero. Cold body, warm heart, that's the motivation behind this latest retelling of the Sub Zero story. Will Liu Kang break her harsh exterior and finally run away with the woman of his dreams before she does what her father wants and marries that no-good son of a wealthy businessman? Watch and find out! Dakota Fanning as Shang Tsung We may have gotten lazy at the end. 
Mortal Kombat movie photo
Pure. Oscar. Bait.
Mortal Kombat has another live-action movie in the works, and it's probably not going to be very good. That doesn't mean it has to be awful, though. The right blend of actors can turn any film, no matter how cynical, into a c...


Auto-loading more stories ... un momento, corazón ...