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Review Drama photo
Review Drama

Fragile gamer says she just can't handle Destructoid reviews anymore (Fauxclusive)

She can't even
Nov 10
// CJ Andriessen
Wiping a stream of tears from her cheek, New Jersey gamer Claudia Bennet confirmed today she can no longer deal with reviews from "I just don't understand," Bennet cried while clutching her copy of Fallout 4....
Resident Evil photo
Resident Evil

Did the Umbrella Corporation help write the TPP? (Fauxclusive)

You down with TPP?
Nov 06
// CJ Andriessen
The full text of the Trans Pacific Partnership, the massive trade deal that will finally turn the Pacific Rim into one giant corporatocracy, was released yesterday to an expected amount of skepticism. While government offic...

Let's stop pretending Halo 5's gameplay matters

Oct 27 // Kyle MacGregor
WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THE CUTSCENES END There is a way to add new systems to an existing formula without fucking things up. The best example of this comes from Killzone: Shadow Fall, which has these aerial drones called OWLs. These things can create energy shields, hack computers, create zip lines, and even inject your character with drugs. They're great! Kind of like Cortana used to be, actually. You know, before she died. Be warned: The words you just read may be considered spoilers. With Cortana gone, Master Chief has made some new friends IRL. Sadly, despite having corporeal bodies, they're all incompetent, often walking into walls or standing in the open getting shot at instead of following simple orders. They're also very bad drivers -- even worse than my uncle Ted, who once ran over the neighbor's cat backing out the driveway and ruined Christmas for everyone! There are other problems, of course, including some mundane boss fights, no local co-op, and tedious level design. Seriously Bungie, how many arenas are you going to lock us in until we kill all the enemies? There's more than one way to flatten a cat, you know. HALO 5 IS AWESOME Thankfully, the cutscenes do a visceral job showing what the Xbox One is capable of from a graphical point of view, pumping out a story that's every bit as good as big-budget Hollywood blockbusters like Vin Diesel's San Andreas and Jurassic World. After finishing the campaign on normal, I went back and tackled it a second time on easy just to see all the explosions and hear Nathan Fillion talk all over again. And now that the game's out, I plan to watch a replay on YouTube and do a quote-along. I really love Halo 5, even despite the tiresome gameplay. It's not that I'm not upset with the horrific friendly AI, the endless corridor shooting, and cribbed Call of Duty mechanics. I am. It's just between all the fun to be had gazing at cinematics and listening to audio chatter, some garbage gameplay is a trivial detail in a package sold for only full retail price plus tax and microtransactions. You're guaranteed your money's worth with Halo 5. The crap parts shouldn't meaningfully impact your enjoyment at all.
Halolz photo
Halo 5 rocks, except for the shooty bits
Halo 5: Guardians is a video game much like any other; some parts of it are real good, others not so much. Take the story, for example, this part of Halo 5 is pretty nice. There's a reason why we gave the game ...

Cash money photo
Cash money

PewDiePie nearly has enough money to buy his soul back (Fauxclusive)

One more healthy quarter and it's his!
Oct 16
// CJ Andriessen
Earlier this week Forbes Magazine listed the ten richest celebrities on YouTube and to the surprise of absolutely no one, gaming personality PewDiePie ranked as the top YouTube earner with more than $12 million dollars m...

Pokemon Grindr photo
Pokemon Grindr

Apparently you can get laid via gay hookup apps by using Pokemon quotes

Guys are gross
Oct 15
// Jed Whitaker
Ask any gay guy you know with a smartphone if he knows what Grindr is and he will tell you all about the popular hookup app for men that have sex with men; from the unsolicited dick pics, to the creepy married men trying to p...
Legend of Zelda photo
Legend of Zelda

Is The Legend of Zelda: Tri Force Heroes too formulaic? (Fauxclusive)

This all looks & sounds so familiar
Oct 15
// CJ Andriessen
The Legend of Zelda: Tri Force Heroes is the first Zelda game for the 3DS to utilize co-operative play in a series that has traditionally been a single-player experience. So why does it feel so familiar? I played Tri Force He...
Fungal Asshole photo
Fungal Asshole

Indie dev's angry rant demonstrates the stress after being Kickstarted

Or is it all satire?
Oct 08
// Jed Whitaker
Having never heard of Elysian Shadows -- a 2D RPG that was Kickstarted for PC, mobile, Ouya, and even Dreamcast -- I stumbled across the above video of one of the developers, Falco Girgis, seemingly going off. Apparentl...
Law junk photo
Law junk

Every video game delayed in the UK (Fauxclusive)

Damn you consumer protections!
Oct 06
// CJ Andriessen
Following the enactment of the Consumer Rights Act 2015, which guarantees a refund for any digital video game purchase if they are found to be faulty, not as described or not a quality product; every video game publisher an...
The New Normal photo
The New Normal

Major game studios ask that you just lower your standards from now on (Fauxclusive)

Throw any expectations out the window
Sep 19
// CJ Andriessen
Following reports from video game QA testers that the industry hasn’t learned from the errors of the past, publishers and developers around the world today asked gamers to just lower their standards from here on out. In...
Apple TV photo
Apple TV

New Apple TV promises to bring gaming all the way into 2006 (Fauxclusive)

Party like Bush is still president
Sep 09
// CJ Andriessen
As predicted for nearly a decade, Tim Cook announced at Apple's September Event that the next iteration of the Apple TV will be able to play games. With a new motion-sensing controller and titles such as Guitar Hero hitting t...
Notch Tweets photo
Notch Tweets

Markus 'Notch' Persson posts vague tweets just to fuck with media (Fauxclusive)

Because the media will publish anything
Sep 02
// CJ Andriessen
Markus “Notch” Persson opened up on Twitter this weekend, posting several tweets lamenting that life as an celebrity isn't all it's cracked up to be. The tweets became a news sensation as several high-profile webs...
New Patent photo
New Patent

Nintendo files patent for first sales-less console (Fauxclusive)

No, this is not a joke about the Wii U
Aug 24
// CJ Andriessen
The discovery of two new patents filed by gaming giant Nintendo earlier this year may give us a peek into the future of the company. The first, as reported on Saturday, is for a disc-less home console. The second patent, whic...
Don't speak photo
Don't speak

Nintendo will now duct tape employee mouths shut before they go home for the day (Fauxclusive)

This or they start cutting out tongues
Aug 14
// CJ Andriessen
Following the dismissal of Nintendo Treehouse employee Chris Pranger over comments he made in a Part-Time Gamers podcast, Nintendo of America told employees that beginning next week the company will start physically taping ...
Pro Game Journo photo
Pro Game Journo

Video games journalist is total big shot at high school reunion (Fauxclusive)

Because it's the best job in the world!
Aug 13
// CJ Andriessen
Students attending the Monroe High School Class of 2005 10-Year Reunion say the most memorable aspect of the night was neither the catering by In-N-Out Burger nor the Wolfmother cover band. No, these students say the thing ...
Kickstarter photo

Keiji Inafune: Is it too soon to start my next Kickstarter? (Fauxclusive)

Is it ever too soon?
Aug 03
// CJ Andriessen
Game developer Keiji Inafune asked himself today if it was too soon for him to start his next Kickstarter campaign. In the minutes following Red Ash's Kickstarter failure, Inafune paced around his office mentally going throug...
Rocket League photo
Rocket League

Live action Rocket League game ends in tragedy (Fauxclusive)

A totally awesome way to die
Aug 01
// CJ Andriessen
The bodies are still being pulled from the flaming wreckage of an 8-car accident after Tennessee teens tried to recreate the hit video game Rocket League. Organized by 16-year-old Bryan Song of Big Sandy, the game took plac...
Pixels on Rotten Tomatoes photo
Pixels on Rotten Tomatoes

Some jerk ruined Pixels' perfect zero Rotten Tomatoes score

He probably did it for the clickbait
Jul 22
// Darren Nakamura
Look, we all knew from watching the trailer that Adam Sandler's 1980s video game-themed Pixels was going to be bad. That much was clear. So when Twitter was abuzz this morning about its zero percent Rotten Tomatoes score...
Game changer photo
Game changer

Upcoming PhysX update introduces state of the art dick physics (Fauxclusive)

Schlong live the new era of gaming
Jul 18
// CJ Andriessen
Game developers around the world will soon be able to create the most naturalistic penises ever when NVIDIA releases the next update for its popular PhysX SDK. Codenamed “Woody Womb Pecker,” the update is being ...
Animal Crossing photo
Animal Crossing

Fauxlusive: Nookling Junction dumps Trump

Dumpster behind store now super classy
Jul 03
// CJ Andriessen
Trump, the Republican frontrunner for the 2016 Presidential nomination, has had a bit of a rough week after NBC and Macy's both parted ways with the reality TV star in light of comments he made about illegal immigra...
Mega64 nails it again photo
Mega64 nails it again

Entitled terrorists at Mega64 demand Nintendo cancel Metroid Prime: Federation Force

Petitions are so OVER!
Jun 29
// Jed Whitaker
Mega64 never ceases to entertain me and its just-released Metroid Prime: Federation Force petition spoof is proof of that. I mentioned the petition during E3 and some people took it that I was attacking all Metroid ...
Xbox One photo
Xbox One

Introducing the Xbox One for women

This one's just for the ladies
Jun 24
// CJ Andriessen
One of the big takeaways from this year’s E3 is that women are a bigger presence in gaming than ever before. More than half of all games on display at this year’s show let players step in the shoes of a female c...

The hottest photos of the E3 show floor

Jun 17 // Niero Desu
Everybody was dancing to the fresh beats at the Sonic and Eggman Rap Experience. This must have taken like three whole hours at least! I bet (the artist) doesn't even know how Game of Thrones ended. That's called professionalism. Atari always goes all out at E3. Rattlecry puts you in command of giant baby snakes in an action-packed Battlefield mod set in 1492 Fallujah (spoiler alert) before Colombus arrives. I couldn't even pretend I wasn't looking at her tits during the whole presentation. Busted! Dicks everywhere. Everywhere. They even had the brand new Ford Forza right there!  Forza is slang for "Fisting" in German. Everybody took photos with Jonathan Holmes. He didn't even charge money to the big kids. No cutting in the Occulus dating demo! We all took turns kicking her until she got in line. What. Who? There he goes. Moving across the water. Turning my whole world around.
We eat here photo
Wish you were here
Electronic Entertainment Expo, commonly known as E3, is an annual trade fair for the video game industry, presented by the Entertainment Software Association (ESA). It is used by many video game publishers and accessory manuf...

Nintendo E3 photo
Nintendo E3

Nintendo lost E3 because it failed to exceed my unreasonably high expectations

Why won't Nintendo do what I want?
Jun 17
// CJ Andriessen
For me E3 didn’t start until Tuesday evening when, after a day of avoiding spoilers at work, I was able to sit down at my computer, open a bottle of wine and enjoy the annual Nintendo E3 Digital Event. As a life-long ...

E3: The Last Guardian booth tour

Found it
Jun 14
// Niero Desu
Assassin's Creed E3 photo
Assassin's Creed E3

Ubisoft scrambling to make Assassin's Creed E3 demo more playable than final game

Disappearing face epidemic under control
Jun 12
// CJ Andriessen
With just a few days until the start of E3, sources within Ubisoft say the company is doing everything possible to make the E3 demo of Assassin’s Creed: Syndicate the ultimate gaming experience -- unlike the broken, bug...
E3 2015 photo
E3 2015

E3 2015: A look back at the most memorable moments of E3

Do you remember these classic moments?
Jun 08
// CJ Andriessen
We are a week away from E3 2015, which is promising to be the most exciting yet. An estimated 50,000 people are expected to attend the three-day event to try out the latest and greatest video games from the top developers and...
Fake Nintendo E3 Plans photo
Fake Nintendo E3 Plans

Randomly generate leaked Nintendo E3 plans

Metroid: Feminist
Jun 07
// Jed Whitaker
It is almost time for E3 2015 which means lots of leaks are about to start pouring onto the internet, most of which are fake. Brian Lee made a website to save hoaxers some time as it randomly generates an itinerary for the Ni...
Sony E3 photo
Sony E3

Sony remastering its 2010 E3 press conference for 2015

Call it an E3peat
Jun 01
// CJ Andriessen
After admitting it has nothing worthwhile to show for the rest of 2015, Sony today confirmed rumors it will be remastering its 2010 press conference for this year’s E3. Called “Sony 2010 Press Conference: The ...
Wave 4 amiibo photo
Wave 4 amiibo

Wave 4 amiibo launch a bust after only 10 people trampled to death

That's one for every Robin made
May 29
// CJ Andriessen
The highly anticipated fourth wave of amiibo figures hit stores today and by all accounts sold out within a matter of minutes. This should be good news for Nintendo, but sources within the struggling video game company say ma...
Easy Joke photo
Easy Joke

Employee kidnappings up 500% after Doug Bowser begins work at Nintendo

Bob Ganondorf in billing also suspected
May 22
// CJ Andriessen
The warm welcome for Doug Bowser, the new Vice President of Sales at Nintendo of America, is over after it was reported female employee kidnappings have increased 500% since he started earlier this week. More than 10 beauti...

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