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We played Assassin's Creed Unity, and it was doomed from the start photo
We played Assassin's Creed Unity, and it was doomed from the start
by Bill Zoeker

Oh boy... Max and I jumped into Assassin's Creed Unity. Max started out cautiously excited at what this new iteration might bring, while I have never been at all interested in the series. It's not long before both of our sentiments landed at the same astonished disappointment. Trust me, it only gets uglier from here.

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Hardline 36: The land of broken games photo
Hardline 36: The land of broken games
by Jordan Devore

This week on Hardline, Steven, Brett, and I spoke about Avalanche finally confirming Just Cause 3 after all those leaks, Brett's review of Assassin's Creed Rogue, and funny faceless and infinite-jump glitches in Assassin's Creed Unity and Sonic Boom: Rise of Lyric.

The highlight of this episode is by far Steven's cat.

For the audio-only episode, you can subscribe on iTunes and RSS or download directly.

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While playing CoD: Advanced Warfare, we posit that Nintendo hates condoms photo
While playing CoD: Advanced Warfare, we posit that Nintendo hates condoms
by Bill Zoeker

We're now reaching the point in our Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare play session where Max thinks critically about the game's narrative mechanics and then we talk about condoms for like five minutes.

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Far Cry 4 has more naked boobs but also a lil dick!  photo
Far Cry 4 has more naked boobs but also a lil dick!
by Steven Hansen

Far Cry's new thing seems to be free flowing painted/tribal tits, nipple slips be damned, and those feature prominently in this video. But if you stick around, you'll see that there is also a little, flaccid penis!

I never let a dick get by me. I was first on the scene at Capcom's potential $30,000 gold cat dick and I swallowed followed that story as best I could from the other side of the world and exposed that it, in fact, was not a lil dick.

But this? Certifiable dick with insurmountable video evidence. Makes my job easier 

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Max and I have hippie liberal hipster opinions about CoD: Advanced Warfare photo
Max and I have hippie liberal hipster opinions about CoD: Advanced Warfare
by Bill Zoeker

Max and I were playing Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare while hungover, and started devolving into dumber and dumber jokes, and then Max busts out a term like "jingoistic proto-fascism" because we're a couple of San Francisco hipsters who definitely don't have informed, individually refined opinions about things because the world is a vampire and everything is fake.

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This Far Cry 4 '101' trailer tells you everything you need to know photo
This Far Cry 4 '101' trailer tells you everything you need to know
by Chris Carter

This new Far Cry 4 trailer highlights the entire premise in detail (more than the actual start of the game does), and shows you pretty much every major character, weapon, and item in the game.

If you're already interested and know you're getting it, I'd skip the video. It definitely spoils some surprises, especially the reveals of a few villains. I would say more, but you can expect our review of Far Cry 4 this week.

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We were playing CoD: Advanced Warfare, but we wanted to hang with Stephan at the skate park photo
We were playing CoD: Advanced Warfare, but we wanted to hang with Stephan at the skate park
by Bill Zoeker

Max and I continue to fumble around in Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare, as our minds wander to some predictably stupid places. We talk about meeting an imaginary teen named Stephan at the skate park, how to find "The Boob," and aggravatingly stupid YouTube comments.

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Talking about Gilmore Girls while playing Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare just doesn't seem right photo
Talking about Gilmore Girls while playing Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare just doesn't seem right
by Bill Zoeker

Max and I continue giving the benefit of the doubt to Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare. Max started talking about a crazy theory he has connecting the television shows Gilmore Girls and Californication because his brain was polluted by a combination of oysters and vodka. Don't do booze, kids.

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Every Super Smash Bros. Final Smash on Wii U photo
Every Super Smash Bros. Final Smash on Wii U
by Steven Hansen

Like a Fatality supercut or big hitz (sports term) highlight reel, it does feel a bit unearned to watch. Gluttonous. 

But I watched the first and I was hooked. This game is so pretty on the Wii U. And so much more a lot of things on the Wii (all of them at that link, like 8-player multiplayer) than the 3DS. Hard to armchair fault Nintendo's choice of release order now.

The craving is real. 

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Max and I suck at Advanced Warfare, but that never stops us from doing anything photo
Max and I suck at Advanced Warfare, but that never stops us from doing anything
by Bill Zoeker

Max and I got our hands on a copy of Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare. We figured we should probably play it because people like to watch men get sweaty in videogames or whatever. Anyway, we recorded this the day after Max's birthday, so we were both pretty hungover, which served to exacerbate our lack of shooter skill and the incoherence of our jokes. Enjoy.

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Here's how Halo: Combat Evolved's PC multiplayer looks on Xbox One photo
Here's how Halo: Combat Evolved's PC multiplayer looks on Xbox One
by Bill Zoeker

At a recent Xbox event, I got to play a bunch of multiplayer stuff in Halo: The Master Chief Collection. I was caught off guard when we were suddenly dropped into the online multiplayer for Halo: Combat Evolved's PC version, which was added to this Xbox One anthology to compensate for the original Xbox version's lack of online play. Naturally, when I posted this video on YouTube, there were a bunch of angry comments from people who got confused and thought of tricking them into thinking The Master Chief Collection was on PC to scam clicks because they have trouble comprehending sentence structure. Sigh. Anyway, Halo is cool.

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Hardline 35: Majora's Mask 3DS, plural amiibo, and Paris smells like candy photo
Hardline 35: Majora's Mask 3DS, plural amiibo, and Paris smells like candy
by Jordan Devore

[This episode of Hardline is sponsored by The Crew. We're giving away a silly amount of codes for this weekend's beta on PlayStation 4 and Xbox One right now. Claim yours here.]

It's been a while since Brett, Steven, and I have been in the same virtual room together to chat about games 'n' stuff so our reunion on this week's Hardline got out of control.

We talked about Majora's Mask for 3DS, amiibo (not amiibos), Game Boy Advances, The Witcher 3's free DLC, Steven's garbage- and candy-filled trip to Paris Games Week and Game Connection, and these culturally significant photos.

For the audio-only episode, you can subscribe on iTunes and RSS or download directly.

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Villains should be eating sandwiches in Shadow Warrior photo
Villains should be eating sandwiches in Shadow Warrior
by Bill Zoeker

Max and I wrap up our dip into Shadow Warrior on PS4. We make weird sex noises, talk about Bone Thugz-N-Harmony, and, I, as always, end up declaring I want to watch Demolition Man.

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We took the road less traveled in Shadow Warrior photo
We took the road less traveled in Shadow Warrior
by Bill Zoeker

As we forge on in Shadow Warrior on PS4, Max makes the mistake of letting me play for a bit. Then I ran all the way down the nearby streets and discovers some weird canopied cities filled with inactive robots at the end of the road. And now I have Boyz II Men stuck in my head.

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We went all Peter Gabriel in Shadow Warrior photo
We went all Peter Gabriel in Shadow Warrior
by Bill Zoeker

Max and I continue our rampage through Shadow Warrior on PS4. We try to figure out who wrote the song "Sledgehammer," and discover the in-game arcade machines. We also decided that everything was made out of raspberry jam.

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Hardline 34: Creepy games and crappy people photo
Hardline 34: Creepy games and crappy people
by Jordan Devore

Happy (early) Halloween! For this week's Hardline, Bill, Brett, and I reminisced about unintentionally scary games that bothered us as kids while Steven was off on the other side of the world throwing bread down a hole. Hope you like your podcasts full of tangents.

For the audio-only episode, you can subscribe on iTunes and RSS or download directly.

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