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Destructoid Golden Archives

Videogame characters that look like David Bowie

Mar 14 // Jim Sterling
BalthierFrom: Final Fantasy XIIResembles: Heathen Bowie Balthier is a 22-year-old Hume sky pilot who, in Final Fantasy XII, pilots an airship known as the Strahl. He also looks like David Bowie.  With the swept back hair and relatively un-flamboyant look, at least as far as Final Fantasy characters go, Balthier resembles Bowie as he was in the early millennium, particularly with the release of 2002's Heathen album. You'd actually be surprised by the sheer number of Final Fantasy characters that look like David Bowie, of which we've included but a fraction in this article. Still, I think you'll find that Square Enix has been quite rightly represented. Eva/Big Mama From: Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots Resembles: Old Bowie Eva made her first appearance in Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater, then a young woman, and a double agent who helped Naked Snake complete his mission. In MGS4, Eva returned, significantly older and operating under the codename of Big Mama. She also looks like David Bowie.  This is a similarity we have actually pointed out before, but it needs to be repeated that Eva as she appears in MGS4 is a dead ringer for the modern David Bowie. The sort of crusty, slightly monstrous creature that he is today. It's the kind of old age that tells you the person was definitely attractive once, but that very fact has made look somewhat creepy in later life. A living paradox. Bowie's face is a paradox. Poison From: Final Fight Resembles: Ziggy Stardust Bowie Poison is a famous videogame character from Capcom's Final Fight series. Originally conceived as a woman, the American release of Final Fight saw Poison relegated to the status of crossdresser, since it wasn't considered "cool" to hit women in America, much to Ike Turner's surprise. Poison has since gone down in history as one of gaming's most notorious transgendered characters. She also looks like David Bowie. Our very own Niero nominated Poison for the list. The red hair and tight fitting clothes certainly make her a worthy contender, and since the only other character fit to represent Ziggy Bowie, we stick by our choice. While Kratos' facepaint is spookily Stardustesque, Bowie's hair is too legendary for us to have a bald man on this list. We take our work far too seriously for that.  Kefka From: Final Fantasy VI Resembles: Ashes to Ashes Bowie Kefka is hailed not only as one of the greatest Final Fantasy villains, but as one of the best videogame villains of all time. The maniacal clown of Final Fantasy VI gained noteriety for such diabolical acts as poisoning an entire village, and generally being a nihilistic psychopath with a hatred of all things. He also looks like David Bowie. Kefka looks very much like Bowie in his clown getup for the video and promotional material of hit single "Ashes to Ashes." While Kefka has never rounded up all his New Romantic buddies from the pub to walk in front of construction equipment for a few hours, I think he would have ... if he wanted to.  Albert Wesker From: Resident Evil series Resembles: Thin White Duke Bowie Albert Wesker is the treacherous villain from Capcom's Resident Evil series. A sinister double crosser who will stop at nothing to gain power and influence, Wesker has exploited everyone in his shady dealings with Umbrella, the T-Virus and Las Plagas. He also looks like David Bowie. Wesker most closely relates to Bowie's soul-influenced alter ego, The Thin White Duke, with slicked back hair and smart, dark attire. It also helps that Wesker blatantly sounds like David Bowie as well. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that Wesker is David Bowie, and nothing you can say will prove otherwise.  Liquid Snake From: Metal Gear Solid Resembles: Space Oddity Bowie Liquid Snake is the villain of Metal Gear Solid, and one of Solid Snake's most hated rivals. A clone of legendary soldier Big Boss, and believing himself to be genetically inferior to his brother, Liquid is a tragic figure, whose sense of jealousy and rage sought to ultimately be his undoing. He also looks like David Bowie. With the long hair, Liquid can only resemble Bowie as he looked right back in his formative years, and we have chosen "Space Oddity" Bowie as the likely match, though really any long-haired Bowie will do. They also have the English connection, which is very important, as well as both of them being as camp as Christmas.  G-Man From: Half-Life series Resembles: Absolute Beginners Bowie G-Man is one of gaming's most enigmatic individuals. The apparent "employer" of Dr. Gordon Freeman, he is always watching the Half-Life hero's adventures from a distance, always just out of reach, before arriving at the critical moment to meddle in the physicist's affairs. He also looks like David Bowie.  While the G-Man lacks Bowie's blonde hair, we would be wrong to not bring up the fact he looks very much like Bowie did in the movie Absolute Beginners. The similar hairstyle and near-identical clothing is enough to convince me that Gordon Freeman's mysterious string-puller has modeled himself after Britain's glamtastic songsmith. I can't believe you're still reading this.  Zidane Tribal From: Final Fantasy IX Resembles: Neoclassicist Bowie Zidane Tribal is something of an anomoly among Final Fantasy heroes. First of all. he's actually happy, and not the whining, moaning, prissy bitch that Square Enix consistently fawns over. He also looks like David Bowie. Zidane is very much like Bowie at the end of the last century. The hair is still long, but with a distinctive neat-and-floppy style, just before it went short. The cheeky Tantalus member also has a very Bowie-esque nose, which would help him get to the finals of any "do you look a bit like David Bowie?" competition. He does look a bit like David Bowie. Probably.  Kane From: Shining Force Resembles: Labyrinth Bowie Kane is a general of the Runefaust army, and you know he's an antagonist because you don't call join an organization called Runefaust and expect to be fighting for the good guys. A noble fighter but also incredibly merciless. He also looks like David Bowie.  Topher directed me toward this one, and I simply had to include this terrifyingly uncanny resemblance to David Bowie in his finest role -- the Goblin King Jareth from Jim Henson's The Labyrinth. So far, we have no photographic evidence of Kane's tights, so we can't see if he also share's Bowie's threateningly gargantuan wad. I'd like to think nobody can quite match the Duke in that department, though. Boz From: Omikron: The Nomad Soul Resembles: David Bowie as he might look in a videogame God, he looks and sounds just like him!
Bowie lookalikes photo
Bowie's face is a paradox
[From our Golden Archives: here's our most popular story of the day back in 2009. -N] David Bowie, born David Robert Jones on January 8, 1947, is an English musician, actor, producer and arranger. Having been active in the en...

Super Mario movie photo
Super Mario movie

Why the Super Mario movie is an underappreciated masterpiece


There used to be dinosaurs in Brooklyn
Feb 20
// Anthony Burch
[Ed. note: El Great Burcho published this on February 2007. It's one of our Golden favorites.] No, I'm not being ironic, or corny, or funny. Neither am I drunk, stoned, nor under the influence of outside forces requiring me t...
Why Penis Why photo
Why Penis Why

Save Ryu from looking generic in Street Fighter IV: A fanboy's top 10 wishes


Why Penis Why
Nov 05
// Niero Gonzalez
Editor's note: In an internal staff email us old-timers were just laughing about the absurdity of this super fanboy article I wrote back in 2007 voicing my disgust with the redesigned Street Fighter. I've since grown accustom...
Where are they now? photo
Where are they now?

Where are they now? Ex-Destructoid editors in the biz


Papa Niero is proud
Oct 23
// Niero Gonzalez
As some of you may have heard by now, Dale North (our editor in chief from 2010-2014) will be moving on to sunnier, though less 'toidy skies. You can read that announcement here. It's no secret that Dale and I have definitel...
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Golden Archives: The Destructoid children's alphabet book


Made by the Dtoid Community, March 2009
Sep 10
// Hamza CTZ Aziz
[Something cool we just remembered from our Golden Archives. Love this! -Niero] Last year, GuitarAtomik sang, Rio McCarthy made a bunch of awesome, Necros was racy, itemforty drew the staff, RockVillian made a prologue, Canni...
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Destructoid Golden Classics: The Mega Man Maker


Remember this?
Aug 22
// Niero Gonzalez
By popular request, I've dug through old hard drives and present to you Destructoid's classic Mega Man maker!  This little app was originally published during PAX 2008 during a panel we gave about how important it is to ...
Haggar for President photo
Haggar for President

Citizens, unite: vote Mike Haggar


Ten Reasons Mike Haggar Needs to be the Next President of the United States
Apr 13
// Anthony Burch
[Another gem from Destructoid's Golden Archives, this our most popular story of April 2008] As you’ve no doubt been following the prospective U.S. presidential nominees, you must be asking yourself several question...

Ten golden rules of online gaming

Mar 10 // Jim Sterling
1: Online gaming is serious business: So, you finally got your game hooked up and are ready to play. Now, you may be forgiven for thinking that online gaming is about having fun. You are very wrong and you will learn this in due time. Because we gamers are too physically weak to pick random fights in bars, we must assert our alpha male dominance another way -- by twiddling our fingers around on buttons until virtual representations of people we don't know simulate death.  This is your life now, and you are connected, physically and emotionally, to your in-game avatar. When they frag you, do you not bleed? Well, no you don't but that's not the point. You will mourn him for every second of that respawn countdown. His digital death just killed a little piece of you, and you will avenge with the fury of a thousand angry Gods.  In team games, if you are losing, remember to berate your teammates and tell them how much they suck. You won't be making a fool out of yourself for ordering them around and reminding them that your side is losing and nobody's helping you win. Also, you must use words like "alpha," all the time, just like you're a real army man! 2: Noobs are scum: People who are new to a particular game are terrible vermin who you should not fraternise with. These subhumans are known as noobs and they are the pariahs of online gaming. You, however, were never a noob. You were playing games online before the Internet was even invented. In fact, you're so awesome that you were playing Dizzy the Egg team deatchmatches on your Commodore 64. Make sure to check out the stats of anybody in a game with you. If they have not been playing for long, then you must hurl insults at them because they are lesser human beings. Laugh cruelly if noobs are your opponents, and grimace loudly if they are on your team.  Also, the term noob has such power that if you dislike someone's actions in a game, you can say it to them as well. Obviously, displeasing you is deadly enough to make them forget all their prior gaming experience and they actually revert back into children.  3: If a feature in a game is popular/effective, it is cheap: Be it the chainsaw in Gears of War, or snipers in any FPS ever made, there are a number of cool features and tactics in games that people not only find enjoyable to use, but are often highly effective methods of securing victory -- never use them. If you do so, you are cheap and will become a noob. You are a hardcore gamer now, which means you only use shotguns or anything else that's really boring. You hate all that is popular, and if you see anybody utilising the best/more useful features of a game, you are to get rid of them immediately.   If these pukes were good at the game like you, they wouldn't need to rely on such cheap tactics, would they? They'd be like you, running around with the shotgun, not having fun and despising everything everyone else is doing. The fact that they have killed you so many times is proof of how bad they are at playing. 4: If anything kills you at all, it is cheap: Like the above rule, but applied to every potential threat in a game. If someone shoots you to death using nothing but a pistol and with his eyes closed, he is being cheap. Cheap is one of the most brutal insults after noob, and anybody who hears it will feel worse about the fact they are winning ten to zero. It's a hollow victory, because they are so cheap. 5: If you are losing, it is because of lag: Following on from the cheapness laws, you will soon get to learn that nothing is ever your fault when it comes to gaming. Lag is a process whereby everyone in the game becomes better than you thanks to the Internet helping them become cheap. The Internet does this a lot, but never affects the enemies you kill yourself, because you have skills. Nearly every death you ever suffer in a game will be due to lag of some kind. The Internet hates you that much, even though you are so good. 6: If you are losing badly, it is because they are hacking: Losing a little is one thing, that's just lag conspiring to keep your ownage levels down, but lag can only help the noobs cheaply beat you so much. If you are losing to such a point where not even your lag-pwning skill seems to be making a difference, well there's only one solution, and it's not that they are better than you -- it's that they are hacking. People who appear to be doing a lot of killing and not much of being killed are hackers, plain and simple. There is no way they're that good without cheating. Re-assure your team (after calling them worthless) that the enemy is clearly powered by nefarious undertakings and you are being penalized for your wholesome and pure ways. Then remember to say alpha. 7: Everyone is gay: Before the Internet was invented, gay people were those in society who were attracted physically and emotionally to members of the same gender. Since the Internet, everyone and everything is gay. From the gun they use to kill you, to the voice they use to communicate with you, it is all gay, gay, gay. Lag is gay, snipers are gay, noobs are gay, people from other countries are gay, the countries they come from are gay, the ocean the country is surrounded by is gay, the fish in the ocean are gay, all sealife is gay, life is gay, gays are gay, gay gay gay. Gay. Using the same one-syllable word to describe everything you don't like might not be an indicator of a varied vocabulary, but who cares? Words are gay. 8: Singing is awesome: Communicating via a headset is great because it lets gamers sing, and that is one of the only reasons we buy headsets. In fact, some people are known to log into servers just to hear poor quality, nasal renditions of the latest "phat tracks." One of the most original and beloved songs to sing is anything done by Rick Astley. Try to sing as loudly and obnoxiously as you can into your headset before, during and after a game, only stopping when you need to step away from the mic to breathe. Everybody will be impressed and will want to play with you again. In fact, you're so great at singing that the only reason you're not on Broadway right now is that showbusiness is full of lag. If you lack the raw sexual magnetisim and confidence that is required to sing during a game, you can always hold the microphone up to some speakers and play your favorite tunes for everybody. Your fellow gamers really care what your musical interests are and will applaud your tasteful selection of tracks.   9: Calling people naggers is both original and hilarious: Racism online is bad, which is a shame because deep down everybody knows it's actually awesome. There is, however, a really witty workaround that allows you to say racist words while not actually saying them. Remember that episode of South Park where Randy believed that the missing letter in "n - ggers" was an I? Then he said the full word and everyone was shocked because it was actually naggers and not that word? Well, here's a pro tip -- nobody has EVER thought of calling people naggers online. You are going to be so edgy if you capitalize on this opportunity. Do it all the time and your popularity will skyrocket. 10: Team members who score are kill stealers: Kill stealing is one of the most abhorrent and despicable crimes ever committed, and is even listed in some modern Bibles as the eighth deadly sin. Every opponent is a victim waiting to die by your hand alone, and if anybody dares shoot them before you, they are a kill stealer. Only you may have the glory of the kill, and woe betide anybody caught shooting at the same target as you. If they get the win, they clearly stole your kill. Even if you and a team member are on opposite sides of the game map, they kill stole. Obviously they did. Probably thanks to a hack. Just remember, of course, that you are not a kill stealer. You are merely an opportunist. Besides which, since all the enemies are your personal fodder anyway, you're taking nothing away from the meat puppets who are only there to be noobs and bring down your score by sucking. These are the ten golden rules of online gaming. There are of course plenty of other important laws, but this should be everything you need to get started off on the right footing. First impressions are crucial, and with these ten rules in mind, you will always impress.  Good luck pwning, my fellow online warriors. May noobs fall at your feet and your sword cut through the mists of lag forevermore.
Everyone is gay photo
Everyone is gay
[Destructoid turns 7 next week! Here's our most popular article from January 2009, one of Jim's first features. Check out more of our earlier works in our Golden Archives. -Niero] People have been hunched over their PCs, firi...

The ten most meaningful videogame quotes of all time

Mar 02 // Anthony Burch
10. "John Romero's about to make you his bitch" Hubris. It invariably arises manifests in the top personalities of any profession, and the games industry is certainly no exception. Prior to the release of John Romero's Daikatana, the long-haired developer -- still riding high from his Doom and Quake successes -- released a rather striking, minimalist, full-page ad in multiple gaming magazines. It read: "John Romero's about to make you his bitch." And nothing else. Well, nothing else other than Ion Storm's logo and an equally pompous urging that gamers "suck it down."  From there, everyone knows the story: Daikatana was delayed, then sucked complete balls upon release, and Romero faded into relative gaming obscurity. His fall, and the arrogant advertisement which started it all, nicely epitomize developer douchebaggery moreso than any other single sentence in the English language. Whether we're talking about Derek Smart touting Battlecruiser 3000AD as "the last thing you'll ever desire," or George Broussard's hilariously silly and underwhelming "trailer" for Duke Nukem Forever,  or Julian Eggbrecht's suggestion that those reviewers who hated Lair actually weren't playing it correctly, big egos, big gaming budgets, and big failures often go hand in hand.    9. "You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike." Simultaneously immersive and frustrating, beautifully worded but logically irritating, this one line epitomizes both the strengths and flaws of the classic text adventure. "You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike" is -- if you'll permit me to be absurdly nerdy for a moment -- a very well-constructed sentence. It is a statement of mystery and ultimate possibility. It's brief, yet descriptive enough that your mind can fill in all the blanks: the details of what the maze looks to are ultimately up to you, but you're given enough information about the current location to make an informed gameplay decision. Sort of. Because, when you really get right down to it, "a maze of twisty passages, all alike" is a horrendously confusing thing to read when you're trying to make your way out of a maze. How many passages? Alike how? What the hell am I supposed to do? It is this mixture of attraction to the language, yet utter confusion in conquering it, that makes me give up every text adventure I can find after ten minutes of play.   8. "You were almost a Jill sandwich!" Gamers are no strangers to horrible, horrible dialogue; whether we're getting haphazardly-translated Engrish from our friends in the Orient or simply suffering from lazy writers, awful dialogue and videogames tragically tend to go hand in hand. I find it hard to pick just one example of horrendous writing to stand for literal decades' worth, but, if only because I'm loathe to give "All Your Base" any position on any top ten list, Barry Burton's famous line from the original Resident Evil will do. If you ever wonder why so many gamers have a hard time taking interactive storytelling seriously, "you were almost a Jill sandwich" is the reason why. Far more irritating than those games which simply elect to have no story whatsoever are those which try to be entertaining, terrifying, or cleve but fail miserably in the attempt -- namely, games like the Resident Evil series.  Ben Croshaw partially covered this in a recent video, but consider the ridiculousness of a survival horror game which, despite containing insanely supenseful gameplay, has one of the most laughably convoluted and poorly written plots in gaming history? Where, after almost being squished to death, a character responds not with a relatable statement of surprise like "JESUS CHRIST ARE YOU OKAY WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE," but by making a snarky joke about sandwiches? The adorably bad writing found in so many, many, many videogames serve as a constant reminder to better, more story-conscious game developers: this is what you need to be better than We'll never be truly rid of horrendous dialogue and plot -- every storytelling medium has its share of lazy creators -- but it's nice to have cringe-inducing lines like "Jill sandwich" to remind us that games could, and should, be much more than just decently entertaining gameplay wrapped around an irrelevant or stupid story.   7. "That's the second biggest monkey head I've ever seen!" This is the single best quote in all of (non text-based) adventure gaming. Period. Spoken by Guybrush Threepwood upon seeing an absurdly large monkey head idol (which, over the course of the series, he tends to do more than a few times), it epitomizes the brilliant writing found in some of the best games of the adventure genre's heyday.  Leisure Suit Larry dealt with sex jokes, Sam and Max dabbled in anthropomorphic absurdity, and the Monkey Island series, with its insult swordfighting and fiendishly difficult puzzles, nimbly jumped back and forth between the high- and lowbrow. In many of the most popular franchises during the late 80's and early 90's, adventure fans experienced a quality of humorous or dramatic writing which, to my mind, has rarely been matched in the years since. When the player wasn't scratching their head over how to get past one of any number of frustratingly difficult puzzles, they were rewarded with some of the sharpest, most clever writing in the history of videogame storytelling. From a writing point of view, everything the Monkey Island series is -- and everything the best adventure games were -- can be found in this quote.   6. “Didn’t we have some fun though? Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said ‘Goodbye’ and you were like ‘NO WAY!’ and then I was all ‘We pretended we were going to murder you’? That was great." Remember how I was talking about adventure game writing of the late 80's and early 90's? Remember when I said that the level of hilarity achieved in those seemingly simplstic games had rarely been matched since? Portal is why I used the word "rarely." Portal fever swept the Internet literally overnight after its release. Less than 12 hours after the Orange Box hit Steam, you could find gamers singing the praises of the Weighted Companion Cube, showing appreciation for the snarky-yet-scary characterization of GLadDOS, and chanting "the cake is a lie" as if it were scripture. Apart from containing a technologically astounding gameplay mechanic, Portal helped remind gaming cynics like me that games can not only be fun, innovative, and challenging in today's world of endless sequels and ripoffs, but friggin' hilarious as well. GLadDOS constantly drops darkly humorous hints considering the character's past and future. The player is forced to care for a cubic hunk of metal as if it were the love of his life. The final showdown with the evil AI constantly jumps back and forth between the suspenseful (as you attempt to defeat her before she floods the room with poison gas) and the hysterical (as one of her personality spheres recites a recipe for cake). If we're lucky, future game writers might take a few cues from Erik Wolpaw and learn that where humor is concerned, we gamers are much more likely to latch onto dark, witty irony than idiotic machismo. Portal's writing doesn't quite match the level of a Monkey Island or a Sam and Max, but it gets close enough in a time of awful one-liners and obvious jokes that it is, in its own way, slightly more uplifting and meaningful.   5. "Hey dudes, thanks for rescuing me! Let's go for a burger...Ha! Ha! Ha!" Ah, the mid-to-late 80's. A time of relative innocence for the videogame. Before the time of Mortal Kombat or Hot Coffee, when arcade games still came equipped with "Winners Don't Do Drugs" disclaimers, absurd fun was the name of the game.  Anyone over the age of twelve can nostalgically remember a time when videogames, despite being considered an exclusively "nerd" pastime, had a happy-go-lucky quality to them. You could inextricably describe a game's plot and story in a single sentence ("you're a chef and you have to make hamburgers by running over the different ingredients and avoiding bad guys"). This was the time of the arcade; the time where you had to actually go outside if you wanted to play something new and awesome.  The quote which defines this era will differ for each gamer according to which game he or she played most frequently. For my money, though, the final lines of Bad Dudes will never be matched, in grandeur or hilarious tone, by any other game from the period. Or ever.    4. "Prepare for unforseen consequences." Half Life: Episode Two taught me that videogames can be better than movies. They can elicit a greater emotional response, and, given their extended running times, the player can get more of a chance to become attached to his or her NPC co-stars. Originally spoken to Eli Vance just moments before first entering the test chamber at Black Mesa, the G-Man's mysterious message to a then-unconscious Alyx Vance actually gave me the goddamned chills.  As the shady, sallow asshole with the weird vocal rhythm leaned down to manipulate a character who I had come to admire and feel empathy for, I almost yelled at the screen. I wanted the G-Man to stay the f*ck away from Alyx. Not because it would affect the gameplay in any way. Not because I was worried about what it meant for the plot. Not for any number of legitimate reasons, other than the fact that I simply cared about Alyx. I knew what the G-Man represented, and I wanted him to stay the hell away from my friend. Upon hearing the G-Man whisper those words to Alyx, I suddenly understood that I had been wholeheartedly enveloped by Half-Life: Episode Two's story and characters. I'm sure most gamers didn't get the exact same reaction out of this scene that I did -- to the best of my knowledge, I may be the only person alive who considered Episode Two the single best part of the Orange Box -- but no one who has spent several hours with Dog, Alyx, Barney and Kleiner can deny their personal, emotional attachment to those characters.  Additionally, this quote speaks volumes concerning one of the Half-Life saga's main themes -- namely, the constantly chaotic, unpredictable, seemingly contradictory nature of life. Everything the player does after first exiting the tram in the first Half-Life ends up having terrifingly far-reaching and unforeseen consequences. Gordon fights through Xen and destroys the Nihilianth, only to find that his initial actions in the test chamber may have summoned an even greater evil. Later, while under the thumb of the G-Man, Gordon kills Wallace Breen and seemingly harms the Combine -- and is suddenly robbed of his victory by being put into stasis once again. In Episode Two, Gordon is finally free from the G-Man's control and heads to White Forest...only to find that the G-Man actually wants him to go there. Is Gordon free, or a slave? Is the G-Man good or evil? No game series has ever had me so interested in the answers to the questions it posed.   3. "War. War never changes." Even after most of the world has been turned into nuclear ash, even after the world governments have crumbled and the social infrastructure decays into anarchy, even when, after the greatest and most horrible war of all, the human race has every reason to band together in an effort to save one another from total annihilation -- they don't. War never changes. Fallout may be one of the most cynical, nihilistic game franchises in existence, which also makes it one of my personal favorites. Rather than half-assedly cultivating a world-weary tone through a sepia color scheme and needlessly gruff-sounding protagonists (I'm looking at you, Gears of War), the Fallout series tells the tale of some people who try to act with common decency in a world utterly lacking in it, and who are subsequently tortured and killed and exiled for their troubles. Cormac McCarthy would be proud.  In the world of Fallout you can do varying amounts of good on your quest through the Wastelands but, more often than not, your efforts can be just as easily undone by bad luck or the corruption of others. You can save the Ghouls of Necropolis from starvation, only to hear of their slaughter at the hands of Super Mutants. You can help the Brotherhood of Steel find new technology, but they'll use it to further their war-driven, quasi-fascist agenda. And no matter how much good you do in the original Fallout -- no matter how quickly you save the denizens of Vault 13 from dehydration and destroy the Super Mutant base -- you will always be cast out by a hypocritical, bureaucratic Vault Overseer who claims that your heroism will make you a bad role model for the other Vault Dwellers. Without getting into a current sociopolitical discussion, let me just say that the themes suggested in Fallout (punishment of morality in an immoral world, the hypocrisy of authority, the petty and violent nature of humankind) can be seen quite clearly even today. Wars are driven by greed, necessity, stupidity, or fear -- and even after the cities have been burnt to cinders and the countryside irradiated, war will never change.   2. "...But our princess is in another castle!" Videogames, according to Warren Spector, are work. We enjoy playing them, yes, but they also take a great deal of effort and frustration to actually complete. Before getting our ultimate reward, whatever it may be (a cool ending, a beautiful cut scene, a clever bonus level), we actually have to work to reach it. This quote, repeated lord knows how many times throughout the original Super Mario Bros, represents this fun/work dichotomy better than any other I can think of. When working their way through a Bowser level in Super Mario Bros, a gamer's thought process goes something like this: "Crap crap crap crap crap JUMP wait wait wait JUMP run run crap crap crap run CRAP DODGE THE FIREBALL crap crap crap haha take that you stupid Koopa King woo this is awesome I get to meet the Princess HEY WHAT THE HELL." Perhaps it was my feeble, insipid, six-year-old mind getting ahead of itself, but I fully expected the Princess to be waiting for me at the end of every goddamned castle. Sure, she wasn't in the last one, but hey -- life is full of infinite possibilities, and a game this fun wouldn't dream of continually frustrating me over and over by dangling the carrot of possible victory in front of my nose, only to yank it away once I've seemingly reached my goal, right? Right? Wrong.  It was fun getting to the not-Princess every time, don't get me wrong, but after continually not-finding her over seven worlds of gameplay, the Nintendo Entertainment System began to feel a little bit like work. The kind of work I'd be absolutely ecstatic to go to everyday, granted, but work nonetheless.   1. "Would you kindly?" Not only is this a moving, shocking, and all-around incredible quote about the consequences of blindly accepting authority, but it also represents one of the single most insightful statements ever made about videogaming in general. Cut scenes are a form of gameplay slavery. They rob the player of control, take him out of the moment, and force him to passively witness as the events of the game -- the events he is supposed to have some degree of local agency over. Ken Levine knows this, and chose to exploit it in creating one of the most memorable story twists of all time. When the player finds out that he has been subliminally controlled by Atlas throughout the entire game, he or she experiences a very sudden, shocking reassessment of values. Having gone through the game thus far with the single-minded intent of beating Andrew Ryan to a bloody pulp, the player is suddenly forced to ask a question most other games would never dream of proposing to the player: "Why am I doing this?"  Why, upon first entering Rapture, do you inject a Plasmid into his veins for seemingly no reason? Why do you follow Atlas's every instruction? Why do you kill the innocent, nonviolent-unless-provoked Big Daddies? Why do you want to kill Ryan? The answer is depressingly simple: you did these things because you were told to. Not because you necessarily had any personal investment in the action, but because someone asked you nicely. Even after realizing this, the player remains completely powerless to stop himself. In an older article I wrote ("Exploring BioShock's storytelling flaws"), I had this to say about the final "would you kindly" cut scene:  Noninteractivity is used brilliantly within the context of the scene: for perhaps the first time in the entire game, the player doesn’t want to kill Andrew Ryan, but Jack’s violent nature and refusal to question his orders are too much and the player is forced to watch, horrified, as he mercilessly and uncontrollably batters Ryan to death. It stands as the single greatest noninteractive cut scene in gaming history. Ever.  As a storytelling device, noninteractivity is used as a weapon against the player: you don’t want to question why you’re doing what you’re doing? Fine -- you’re nothing better than a mindless, robotic slave, and you have essentially given up the human gift of choice. Having control taken away is, within the context of the story, a tangible punishment for accepting things on face value and blindly following orders.   BioShock wants us to question authority and instruction not just for the big stuff -- politics, work, education and so on -- but for videogaming, as well. When Cortana asks you to pistol-whip a bunch of aliens in Halo, why not stop for a moment and really think about why you're doing it?  One might suggest that questioning authority in a videogame, where structure is more or less mandatory and even the most nonlinear games still have an inescapably linear storyline, would be an ultimately meaningless gesture. But if you're willing to take everything a videogame presents you with at face value, how much more are you capable of accepting without question? If the player is asked to mow down armies of faceless baddies simply because they are "evil," what does that even mean? For these reasons, "would you kindly" is, quite simply, the most meaningful videogame quote of all time. It deeply affects the player on both emotional and intellectual levels; not only that, but the intensity of the former inspires the latter. As the player feels hatred and betrayal from his amiably-worded induction into slavery, he becomes much more likely to take Andrew Ryan's dying words to heart: A man chooses; a slave obeys.    Check out more classic Destructoid articles in our Golden Archives
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An exaggeratedly titled top ten list? On the Internet? Surely you jest!
[This month, Destructoid turns 7 years old! Here's the top article of this weekend back in 2008. You can browse more of these in our Golden Archives. Nostalgic yet? -Niero] Call me a weakling, but it's been more or less forev...

Six sinister things about Super Mario

Feb 24 // Anthony Burch
1. Where do mushroom powerups come from? Consider the following. The Mushroom Kingdom is so named because the majority of its denizens have very mushroom-shaped heads. Toad, and his hundreds of identical brothers who consistently manage to get kidnapped in Bowser's castles, have heads that are essentially mushrooms with eyes. But what about the mushroom powerups that Mario consumes in order to get bigger, or gain an extra life? What do THEY look like? Well, mushrooms. But where do these mushrooms come from? Even after jumping through more than half a dozen worlds in the mushroom kingdom, have you seen a SINGLE mushroom FIELD? One can then only conclude that these powerup mushrooms are not created naturally, but are in fact artificially made (and then evidently put into large question-marked boxes). What conclusion can we draw from these facts? Simple. MARIO IS EATING THE DECAPITATED HEADS OF THE MUSHROOM PEOPLE.     2. Super Mario Bros serves as an allegory for the Bolshevik Revolution.    This one we've all heard before. Red outfit, Stalinesque mustache, star on the flag, overthrowing an empire. Yeah, yeah. I only mention it to state that the kind of people who bring this up in regular conversation with their friends are probably the kind of people who get made fun of when they aren't around. So be sure not to do that.     3. Racism.  He's fat, he's a plumber, he's got a mustache, he speaks broken English, and he's pussy-whipped.  The only way Mario could be any more of an Italian stereotype is if he had to eat pasta instead of mushrooms, or if he shot people in the back of the head and dumped them in the Hudson Bay. Now, I can understand that Charles Martinet's voice acting can be pretty cute at times, but honestly. Despite what Nintendo thinks, there are Italians in America who are capable of saying "It's me, Mario" without adding the letter "A" to the end or beginning of every single goddamned word. And despite the fact that he's a plumber, has anyone ever seen him do any plumbing? At all? He can go down enormous, man-sized pipes, yeah, but he doesn't even carry a goddamn wrench, much less an assortment of tools necessary to perform any degree of adequate pipe maintenance. The job description just seems to paint him as another member of the stereotypically blue collar, working class immigrant population in America. Which says something about how Japan views the US. 4. This picture.   5. Mario is an addict.     It may have taken some of us longer than others to make the connection, but at some point Mario's innocent mushroom and flower powerups begin to take on a much more sinister, substance-abuse-related-meaning. Consider the mushroom powerup in relation to the famous drug-use song "White Rabbit": "One pill makes you larger     one pill makes you small"     And what about the fire flowers? Even disregarding the obvious drug implication, how was Mario supposed to use the flower to shoot fireballs? Did he just hold it? Eat it? Put it in his pocket or something? Or how about the leaves that turn you into a raccoon? Is there ANY connection between touching a leaf and turning into a raccoon that you can see? Anything at all? The only rational answer is that all of these "transformations" are nothing more than visual and auditory hallucinations, brought on by heavy drug use. The mushrooms Mario is so fond of are of the "magic," hallucinatory variety, the flowers he eats to produce fire are obviously some sort of illegal poppy blossom, and the magic leaves that make him turn into a flying raccoon...well, you figure it out.     6. Murder. See? Not so fun from the Goomba's position. Now, regardless of whether or not the Goombas are actually working for Bowser, they certainly don't seem like killers, or even soldiers. They walk around aimlessly, and if you touch them, you get hurt. Is that worth killing over? It's not even like they attack Mario once they see him: they just walk back and forth along a predetermined path, and if Mario touches them, it's his own fault. But, instead of doing the merciful thing and avoiding them, Mario takes it upon himself to stomp every last weaponless Goomba to death, for no good reason.  Actually, when you think about it, Mario's got it pretty easy: almost none of his enemies actively try to attack him, so the only thing he really has to worry about is falling down bottomless pits and getting hit by Bowser's traps. And, really, how hard is it to avoid non-sentient weaponry?  That being said, I shed no tears for the Hammer Bros. They can go to hell.    [Picture credits: The first, gross painting is from this guy , the burly Mario is from here , and the goomba comic is at Lifemeter . Everything else is either google searched, MS Painted, or really obvious. Update: Additional evil mario photos were added to the gallery.]
Mario is sinister photo
From Dtoid's Golden Archives: Dec 19, 2006
[Destructoid turns 7 on March 16, 2013! I'm celebrating early by repairing some of my favorite articles from our Wordpress days. You'll be able to browse this original collection soon -- "Destructoid's Golden Archives" is her...

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Ramblings of a colorblind gamer


Feb 10
// Anthony Burch
You may or may not know that I am red-green colorblind. Money looks grey to me, pink looks white, brown looks green. No big thing. Since I was born colorblind, I have no frame of reference for how the world is "supposed" to l...
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Videogames that make you feel godly


Jul 08
// Sean Daisy
Videogames provide the perfect tools for pure escapism or utter powerlessness. As a fully interactive media, the player can be as involved as the developer in the fate of our characters, or we can be utterly impotent in swayi...
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The REAL top ten games of the decade


Dec 05
// Jim Sterling
You've doubtless read by now the "official" top ten games of the decade, or indeed any of the top ten game lists that have spilled onto the Internet as the so-called "naughties" ends and 2010 ushers in yet another arbitrarily...
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Rev Rant: Donate


Jul 23
// Anthony Burch
Every week, "Reverend" Anthony Burch talks about aspects of game design and gamer culture in his weekly "Rev Rant" video series. Admittedly, this week's rant turned out a lot more angry and weirdly serious than the other one...
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How Killzone 2 is blatantly better than Halo 3


Mar 02
// Jim Sterling
Killzone 2 launched exclusively for the PlayStation 3 this Friday, generating much bias from biased people who are biased. It also sold quite a few copies and has been setting the PlayStation Network afire with grenade spam a...
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Playing With Others: Gaining acceptance


Jan 29
// neveranything
[Editor's note: neveranything shares with us a very heartwarming story on how videogames helped him make new friends for his Monthly Musing piece. -- CTZ] Throughout elementary and middle school, I was the textbook definitio...
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The Videogame Bosses' Guide to Success


For the love of God, cover your glowing red spot!
Jan 27
// Colette Bennett
So you aspire to be a roadblock in the path of every hero, a hulking shadow that ominously hangs over the hopes and dreams of normal people, the guy that makes babies squall at your very approach. I know you. You've turned ma...
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A Time to Destroy: The games that destroy us


Some photos are disturbing. No, seriously.
Dec 25
// Tony Ponce
[Editor's note: Tony Ponce, which we only knew as "megaStryke" when this was published, looks at three games that have destroyed people's bodies for his A Time to Destroy Monthly Musing. In 2012 he joined the Dtoid team as an...

Being a solo gamer in a multiplayer world

Nov 20 // Colette Bennett
It all started here. People who are fans of multiplayer games are already talking back, I know it -- you're saying, "If you don't want to play with other people, just don't sign into Xbox Live!" And you know, you're right. I don't have to do that. In fact, despite the fact I love to game alone, I do also sometimes enjoy playing with other people, and I do enjoy the ability to interconnect with them so easily at any time. The thing is, people who have never been heavy into the solo experience in a game are just not going to get it. Why play a game alone when you could play it with other people? That's like watching a movie alone. Which, of course, I also enjoy doing. Often. A common complaint about the recent RPG Fallout 3 touches a little bit on the "why" of what solo gamers passionately pursue. Some gamers said they disliked the beginning of the game in which your character grows up in the Vault, where you are surrounded by other people. Personally I found that when I escaped the Vault and got out into the open landscape, I found what I was looking for: the experience of feeling completely alone on an adventure that you are wholly responsible for.  I suppose it's a lot like reading a book. There's an almost reverential quality to the experience, because even though thousands of other people will read the same book, the unique way you will process it and how it will affect you is all yours. While total immersion into a game environment is being praised in games like Dead Space, solo gamers have to laugh -- we've had total immersion in the games we've played for a few decades now, not because of advanced graphics or sound, but because of our isolation and imaginations. Because of my experiences as a solo gamer, I traveled with Crono and his friends and enjoyed their company as if they were my friends, I mourned the death of Nei in a way that actually prepared me to face real loss later in life (laughable, I know, but true), and I learned some pretty valuable lessons about life in general. Sniff... I think if I had had friends to share these games with at the time, I wouldn't have had the amount of free time to devote my attention to them in the same way. I would have been more distracted by those real-life interactions, and while that wouldn't have been a bad thing, I don't regret being an isolated gamer back then. I think the inability to share these gaming experiences with other people made them even more special to me -- and I believe the people who listen faithfully to RetroforceGO! on a weekly basis may understand exactly what I am trying to say here. So yeah, I'm glad that today I can turn on my 360 and be instantly connected to a hundred friends who can invite me to parties, chat with me and enjoy games with me in real time. I think that rocks, and I'm so grateful that I'm getting to experience something like that in my lifetime. At the same time, some days I'm going to go buy a game, come home, turn out all the lights and make sure that I'm not signed on to anything that shows other people I'm there. While it may not measure up to being verbally abused by strangers on Xbox Live, I still kind of enjoy it.
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Crono, Nei, and I
Being a gamer over 30 means that you likely fell in love with gaming a long time ago. For me, that affair started around age 6, as my uncle showed me the Atari and I prowled through his Commodore 64 collection, wondering what...

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Hail the freak: 36 WoW accounts, played simultaneously. By a freak


Oct 11
// Jim Sterling
I submit evidence of one man, which I am going to use to paint all World of Warcraft players as subhuman scumworms who deserve to be shot. This creature owns 36 WoW accounts, plays them at the same time on 11 computers, and g...
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Thirty rubbish Pokemon: Red/Blue edition


Go away, Tauros
Jun 26
// Jim Sterling
As readers will know, I recently confessed my closet Pokémon fandom and am celebrating my newfound liberation with a selection of Pokémon-themed articles for those who also like to throw hard metal balls at fluf...

Six ways in which Pokemon really bothers me

Jun 24 // Jim Sterling
1. Pokémon makes children believe free healthcare works: In America, there is a widespread belief that free healthcare is a wondrous and desirable thing, something that America needs in order to become a civilized example of humanity in the world -- this is WRONG, and games like Pokémon only make that flawed thinking worse. Speaking as a Brit, I can confirm that our National Health Service is so bad, it's actually considered crueler to treat the cancer rather than just let nature take its course. British hospitals will make you sicker coming out than when you went in. It's understaffed and underpaid, and the waiting lists are astronomical -- if you're on the NHS, expect to be dead before a doctor will consider your case serious enough to see you straight away. Not so in Pokémon Land -- if your Pokémon are even slightly bruised, you can just take them to a Pokémon Center and have their ailments quickly and efficiently cured in a matter of seconds, completely free of charge. Pokémon Centers are an idealist's view of the NHS, one that is sadly unattainable in real life. Free healthcare is a great idea, and I'm no fan of the other extreme either, don't get me wrong -- but Pokémon is damaging us all by pretending that the NHS is just that good. If it were accurate, you'd have to wait a year between battles before your team is fully recovered, and even then, one or two of the buggers will have contracted SARS.  2. The whole world revolves around Pokémon: Now, I get that the game is about Pokémon and all that, but does everyone -- everyone in the entire game world -- have to care that much about the little bastards? I get it, Pokémon are cool and funky and have beaks sometimes, but does every single bookshelf in the world have to be "full of books about different types of Pokémon?" Does every show on TV have to involve them in some way? Does every person in every town need to have something utterly profound to say about what their fucking Magikarp likes to eat for breakfast? For a place full of penguins that can say their own name, the world of Pokémon must be, in actual fact, the most boring place on Earth. There are no TV shows about anything else, no books that broach any other subject. It seems that hobbies and interests concerning things that aren't related to Pokémon in some arbitrary way have been banned by the government. It's George Orwell's 1984 all over again, except now revolving around turtles with trees on their backs. It makes me cringe. Every time I approach some new character, I naïvely anticipate him surprising me with a frank discussion about Ayn Rand's views on sexuality, or to show me his collection of rare Velvet Underground LPs, but no ... no, he's just going to tell me that he loves Psyduck. Again.  Just once I want a character to say "You know something? I am sick to death of Pokémon!" 3. The Gym Leaders became Gym Leaders even though they're shit: Tell me, how did the moron who owns nothing but level 5 Rock-type Pokémon rise to a position of prominence in his town? Is it a place populated entirely by people so stupid that the village idiot is a brick? I'm supposed to believe that the man who thinks composing a team that has two Geodudes in it instills fear with every mighty footstep he takes, and quite frankly, I don't.  Throughout the game you are reminded of this one simple fact -- if your team consists of one type of Pokémon, you are going to get screwed eventually. It would seem that your role is actually that of karmic truth, as you teach that very lesson to all the idiot Gym Leaders who ignored the advice you got five minutes into the bloody game.   Oh sure, the second I hear that the next guy uses nothing but Water-types, I am looking at my Grotle and literally shitting myself with terror. And tell me, HOW can you be a trainer for so long and not even have your Pokémon up to level 10 yet? Are you a fool? Are you a stupid fool? 4. This thing:   I mean honestly ... what the Hell? 5. There's a difference between Pokémon and dogs: Even though there are Pokémon that look, act and sound like dogs, they are not dogs. Similarly, dogs are not Pokémon. Pokémon are split into different subspecies and types, yet are distinct from animals. And I don't understand how. It's just like trying to divide by zero, is attempting to understand what makes a Pokémon different from a dog.  It's never explained enough for my liking why an Eevee can learn Tackle but your common household Alsation can't. If you threw a Pokéball at a monkey, would it get trapped inside? If not, why does it work for Chimchar? How did these Pokémon even start looking like other animals?  Also, how come nobody is ever shown cooking and eating a Pokémon? It would happen in real life, wouldn't it? I intend for no offense to Mereep fans, but if you're going to walk around looking like a delicious sheep, then you're just asking for trouble.   6. The game is needlessly complex: I consider it a fallacy that Pokémon is intended for children. While it looks like innocent playground fun on the outside, beneath its plush surface lies an eternity of statistics and arcane secrets that have been known to make sane men mad and mad men sane within mere minutes. I refuse to believe Pokémon is for kids. You need graphs and charts and ancient runes to make sense of it all. If I'm on the bus and my Bidoof wants to evolve, I'm stuck -- I don't know if letting the little furry monster evolve now will mean he won't learn an important move later. Why do they do that to you? Why make it so keeping a Pokémon unevolved for several levels might be of benefit in the future? That just makes you frightened of evolution, and Dr. Richard Dawkins would laugh at you if he heard that! Pokémon fills your head with too much knowledge. I now know that breeding an Alakazam with a Medicham will create an Abra capable of learning Fire Punch. I will NEVER need to know that much information about anything else in the world! There are professional hostage negotiators out there who will not have put as much effort into learning their trade as some four-year-old is expected to put into small drawings of animals. This is why children grow up stupid nowadays -- it's not that they're incapable of learning, it's just that their small brains have become completely filled by mental maps showing them were all the Rawst Berries are planted. Pokémon has doomed us all. But I do know where all the Rawst Berries are!
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Believe it or not, I really like Pokémon. I've been a big fan of the series since I was a child, but even though my interest in the series diminished as I got older, I still find myself dipping back into the monster-ca...

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Ten Golden Rules of action games


May 25
// Jim Sterling
There really is nothing quite like a good old-fashioned action game. From God of War to Bujingai, they are the bread and butter of a lifelong gamer's diet. A third-person mixture of combat and exploration, it is a genre absol...
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Ten Golden Rules of the anti-videogames lobby


May 05
// Jim Sterling
We have had many useful commandments for loyal readers over the course of our Ten Golden Rules series. From learning how to be an online gamer and fanboy, to crafting a successful JRPG or Survival Horror, there have been fail...
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Ten golden rules of videogame fanboyism


Ah, fanboys.
Apr 27
// Jim Sterling
What industry can truly call itself an industry without fanboys? Those who prove themselves obsessively loyal to any product or corporation can be found among many communities, and nowhere do they flourish more freely than wi...

There's no such thing as a perfect game: why 10/10 shouldn't mean "flawless"

Apr 17 // Anthony Burch
No Country for Old Men: The scene with Ed Tom at the hotel at night is shot in a confusing, inefficient way that makes the whole moment far more esoteric and distancing than it was originally intended to be (the other character is supposed to be in the room across from the one Ed Tom is in). Blade Runner: The romantic subplot doesn't quite feel legitimate, and the shot of Roy releasing the dove at the very end is incredibly contrived and contradicts the story's promise that all natural animals are pretty much extinct. The Godfather: When Sonny is beating the crap out of Carlo, James Caan throws a really, really, really fake-looking punch that misses Carlo's face by at least three inches and the viewer is totally taken out of the experience. Now, those are three of my favorite movies of all time. I think those films are some of the most brilliant, subtle, emotional works of art I've ever experienced, and I will defend their quality to the death against all comers. But they are not perfect. They're the best examples of cinematic achivement I've yet witnessed, but all of them have numerous and readily-identifiable flaws. Does that make them any less wonderful? Does that mean The Godfather doesn't deserve a 10/10 score? Of course not. Everything is flawed. Nothing is perfect. If The Godfather isn't a 10/10, what is?  Now, extrapolate this way of thinking to videogames. Every single videogame you will ever play -- ever -- will be riddled with flaws of some sort or another. Fallout's skill system is totally unintuitive. Shadow of the Colossus had a crappy camera system. The main ship in Ikaruga is twice as big as its hit box. None of us have ever or will ever play a truly perfect game, and anyone who says otherwise is simply ignoring a few flaws they don't find to be terribly relevant. Perfection is an ideal, never to be practically reached by any art form at any time. That's just the way it works. With that in mind, why would you waste an entire point on the 1-10 grading scale by devoting it to something that can, by definition, never truly exist? Instead of calling 10/10 "perfect," why not just call it "will cure cancer"? They're both equally likely to happen within our lifetimes. To hold the 10/10 score back as an ideal for the perfect game, just in case it ever exists, is to degrade the entire 1-10 system into a 1-9.9 scale.  Really, what good does it do a reader to see that a game rated 9.85/10, just because the camera isn't perfect? Are we truly improving the grading scale just by avoiding that elusive 10.0 at all costs, or are we just jerking off as we fantasize about an imaginary game which might one day come into existence and blow us all out of the water?* Who honestly cares about the difference between a 9.8 and a 9.9, especially when time and genre and context make it more or less impossible to reliable compare review scores against one another?  This isn't to suggest that the 10/10 should be thrown around willy-nilly, of course. I still don't agree with Dan Hsu's 10 score for Gears of War based on his text, and I've only awarded a single 10/10 out of the dozens of games I've reviewed. A 10 should still stand for a game which is, as the Dtoid official guide says, "Incredible. As close to perfection as we've yet seen in in the genre or gaming on the whole. A polished, unparalleled experience." It's something that should be given out relatively rarely, and only to those games which are truly deserving. It shouldn't be given out everytime the developer throws money at us, or just because it's part of a franchise that has previous garnered high scores. Yet it should also not be tucked away like some sort of emergency score, only to be used in case of the videogame equivalent of the Second Coming. *If so desired, the reader may mentally drop the words "out of the water" and get a thematically identical sentence. 
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So, I'm reading Topher's Ikaruga review and the comments resulting from it. Other than the usual half-ironic cries of "biased!" and "Anthony would have given this a 4!", I saw many repetitions of one particular sentiment tha...

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Ten golden rules of survival horror


Apr 14
// Jim Sterling
By our very nature, we as people are drawn to the dark. We may not like to admit it, but our macabre instincts thirst for blood, as we find ourselves morbidly drawn to brutality and violence. It is no surprise that horror is ...
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Ten golden rules of Japanese RPGs


level 9999
Feb 29
// Jim Sterling
The JRPG is a venerable and well respected genre, having survived almost unchanged for decades and supported by a community of hardcore obsessives that drool over every statistic and sweeping, globe trotting storyline that co...
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Shadow of the Colossus' controls are an exercise in art


The "videogames as art" movement is a funny thing
Feb 29
// Joseph Leray
Artsy wonks like myself love to wax philosophic about the potential that games have in terms of narration or eliciting meaningful, emotional player responses. We laud innovative game designers for forcing us to make morally a...
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These guys suck

Five videogame characters who suck at their jobs


Slackers
Feb 27
// Anthony Burch
In general, our videogame protagonists need a set context for their lives before being thrust into action and adventure. Mario can't just be a dude with a goomba-stomping fetish; he has to be a plumber. Marcus Fenix can't jus...

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