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Sporting YP photo
Sporting YP

YouPorn is sponsoring an eSports team

More like spornsporning an eSporn team
Dec 04
// Steven Hansen
YouPorn, which a cursory Google search tells me is a streaming adult video webpage, has announced its sponsorship of a Spanish eSports team (Hearthstone, League of Legends). Play2Win will now be known as Team YP, which s...
Xbox porn photo
Xbox porn

Hardcore pornography CONFIRMED for Next Xbox

May 16
// Jim Sterling
SugarDVD, purveyor of such fine films as What An Asshole and Hairy Asian Schoolgirls Masturbate, has confirmed it'll be bringing its adult entertainment streaming services to Microsoft's next-generation Xbox.  The servic...
Promoted cock blog photo
Promoted cock blog

Promoted blog: Gaming's greatest cocks

A collection of the best and biggest cocks in the industry -- minus EA
Mar 18
// Handy
[Destructoid turned seven this past Saturday, and all month long Dtoiders have been reminiscing about their time with the site over in our Community Blogs. Here's Handy's little dandy. Show us yours! --Mr Andy Dixon] We have ...
Etrian Odyssey IV photo
Etrian Odyssey IV

Etrian Odyssey IV will get you stiff

"Long and hard" indeed
Feb 27
// Tony Ponce
Dale North's review is taking forever because he keeps getting distracted by sh*t like this. [Swagtoise's Tumblr via Tiny Cartridge]
HAWP photo

HAWP: Oh Ash, your diplomacy is so thick and hard

Jan 11
// Tony Ponce
This is... well... umm... you know what? I'm not even going to explain it. The latest Hey Ash, Whatcha Playin'? is brilliance, plain and simple. Go watch it and have a good laugh or two. Hey Ash, Whatcha Playin'? - Civilization V [GameTrailers]

Goodbye, Destructoid

Nov 10
// Chad Concelmo
As some of you may or may not have heard, this is officially my last day with Destructoid. Man ... I can barely type that without getting upset. I am starting a new job next week at GolinHarris as a writer for Nintendo. It is...

The DTOID Show: Assassin's Creed DLC, Star Wars, & Porno

Plus: Pac-Man locked in a dark room with nothing but pills and his personal demons
Oct 03
// Max Scoville
On today's completely professional, mature, and otherwise not stupid or embarrassing Destructoid Show, we discuss some very serious topics. First, a season pass is announced for Assassin's Creed III, and the first DLC will b...

YouPorn 'now on' Xbox, welcomes 'Xbox Masturbators'

Porn site cheekily claims it's coming to Xbox Live
Oct 02
// Jim Sterling
Sometimes this job is boring, and sometimes YouPorn sends Destructoid a press release, excitedly telling us that its streaming sex video services is coming to Xbox Live. Of course, what it actually means is that, with Interne...

Destructoid Community Meetup Photos!

Aug 10
// Niero Desu
Yeah we're a web site, but we are also a collective of fleshy sacks of meat and blood that play video games together and drink sometimes!  In an effort to centralize our random adventures and always have a place to show ...

Swordfight will get your joystick hard

Apr 29
// Tony Ponce
I stand corrected. This is the weirdest story of the weekend! If you read Joseph Leray's "Nordic New Wave" feature from the other week, you ought to be familiar with Johann Sebastian Joust, a game using accelerometer-powered ...

Namco Bandai pulls penis-flavored SoulCalibur V ad

Jan 09
// Jim Sterling
[Update: So apparently it is not real. Stupid sexy Voldo!] Namco Bandai recently pulled an advert for SoulCalibur V after fans complained that it was too offensive. No, it wasn't the magazine page featuring ginormous breasts....

The DTOID Show: Our Top Gaming Moments Of 2011!

Dec 25
// Max Scoville
Merry Christmas, everybody! I'm gonna keep this short because idiot thought it was a good idea to put a small tree in my house and then leave a bunch of presents sitting under it, so I need to go get rid of that crap before a...

Review: Saints Row: The Third Dildo Baseball Bat

Nov 05 // Jim Sterling
Saints Row: The Third Dildo Baseball Bat Manufacturer: Volition Inc.Publisher: THQReleased: TBD MSRP: $624.99 Whether your trusty old baseball bat is ready for retirement or your tired and clammy dildo needs replacing, Volition Inc. has you covered with the Saints Row: The Third Dildo Baseball Bat. Built with durability and long-term use in mind, you'll be laughing at the savings whether you're smashing balls in the park with your son or smashing your vagina to pieces while watching The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 1! Thanks to the smooth ergonomic design and carefully regulated coating of Polymer Rubber Substitute, the Saints Row Dildo Bat provides a level of comfort and flexibility hitherto unseen in any other baseball bat/artificial penis. I was impressed by just how good this feels to use. It's been intuitively designed so that even a novice can get to grips with it in seconds, featuring a very simple handle-based interface that should be familiar to most users.  The handle itself has a particularly satisfying level of friction and comfort, thanks to the Scientific Flexi-Wrap applied to a rigid base of luxury wood. The contours improve grip ratio while the tactile-oriented neo matte finish keeps even the sweatiest of palms from slipping.  Having a good handle on any baseball dick is paramount, as experts in the field will tell you 67% of the time. Unfortunately, most manufacturers focus only on the glamour portions of their devices and neglect this mundane-yet-crucial part of the experience. Volition went the extra mile on its piece and deserves applause in an industry that's far too quick to stampede toward the penis without taking care of the fundamentals. Make no mistake, however -- Volition has not skimped on the detail. Putting its legendary creative sensibilities to fantastic use with an artisan level of design. The testicles feature hand-crafted creases to create that "just-like-real-sac" feeling that consumers have come to demand over the years, with a central groove to neatly define each individual bollock. These medically accurate representations of authentic gonads will delight even the most discerning of fans, making this a perfect gift for those who believe that the devil is in the details.  The elegant detailing continues up through the device's premium shaft, featuring a prominent central vein that many fans will recognize from seeing pictures of actual penises in their day-to-day lives. The entire package is complimented by a sleek and aerodynamic glans situated at the distal end of the corpora cavernosa. While it is unfortunate that a complimentary meatus has been excluded from the final product, the Dildo Bat nonetheless features a beautifully designed crown, shaped to please and providing a significant amount of heft in the finished article, so you can really hit those home runs! All told, it's given me a great amount of pleasure to be able to review the Dildo Bat for you. However, there are of course a few negative aspects that must be addressed. Firstly, the smell -- it stinks like Laffy Taffy. While this won't be a problem for customers exclusively utilizing the item as a sporting implement, those who wish to make full use of its features may feel put off by the overwhelming aroma of goof-themed boiled sugar in something they intend to place within one of several personal openings.  The color is also a boner of contention. While I personally appreciate the purple tone, one does occasionally think of Grimace's throbbing plonker while studying it for too long. I don't need to tell you that overt sexual thoughts concerning a McDonald's villain-turned-mascot have been a bit of a controversial issue in North America -- especially lately -- and this could be a huge dealbreaker for some users.  Despite these setbacks, the Saints Row: The Third Dildo Baseball Bat is still one of the most flexible and worthwhile investments a family could make. Thanks to its versatile application at work and home, the Dildo Bat is a brilliant investment that finally puts an end to the need to replace ordinary baseball bats and sex toys -- often considered one of the greatest causes of financial strain in the West.  In short, this is a highly recommended piece, and one that you should definitely pass up on. It should be available in Walmart, Target and Toys R Us in the near future, so keep a look out!

While we're all waiting for that hotly anticipated Saints Row: The Third review, it's easy to forget that Volition Inc. has something else coming to market -- the official Saints Row: The Third Dildo Baseball Bat.  Fortu...


Fruit Ninja Kinect unleashes my ninja penis

Oct 29
// Niero Desu
I refused to rearrange my living room to play Fruit Ninja in my girlfriend's tiny San Francisco flat, so after a few failed attempts at calibration I just jumped behind the sofa, causing my body to turn into a floating severed torso.  The result glitch in my Kinect setup causes another limb to come to life. How's that for enhanced male performance?

When eroges get motion controls

Oct 05
// Subenu
According to Maniac, the Japanese developer Tech Arts is working on a title called 3D Custom Girl, which will be released at the end of October. The women present in the game cover pretty much every single Anime cliché...

Skyrim demo sends woman into labor

Aug 06
// Victoria Medina
[Update: Chaz and Stevi joined us in the Outer Heaven chat last night (Chaz has been following Destructoid for years) and we got the chance to talk with the soon-to-be parents. Because of the pregnancy, the wedding (planned f...


Apr 15
// Jim Sterling
Ladies and gentlemen, it would appear that The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D will feature Cthulhu's penis as a regular enemy. 

As some of you know, I love to write features on this site. It’s kind of my favorite thing ever, outside of dolphins ... or Showgirls ... or punching old ladies in the face. Well, you get the point. I love writing featu...


The Elder Scrolls V: Penisfinger

Apr 03
// Jim Sterling
Thanks to the Destructoid community blogs, I now cannot look at this formerly beautiful screenshot of The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim without seeing a terrible truth. That truth is the unquestionable penisfinger standing proud on...

Destructoid shirts will protect your torso from sun rays!

Mar 29
// Hamza CTZ Aziz
Sun rays are bad! Didn't you know? The government secretly created videogames to keep people inside and away from the sun after all. Still, you sometimes have to leave the the house for things like candy brain fuel. Lucky for...

Hey! Watch this episode of This Week in Videogames!

Jan 28
// Chad Concelmo
Last week I was a guest on web talk show This Week in Videogames. I am not posting this video of the episode to put the focus on me – I can’t even watch myself on video for more than five seconds without throwing...

Here is Sega's game machine, control it with your pee

Dec 20
// Josh Tolentino
I don't know who it was that came up with the idea to paint a little fly or dot or target on the inside bowl of your average public urinal, but he (or she) was a genius. It took advantage of man's need to urinate, and combi...

Tune in to GameTrailers TV tonight to see me NAKED!

Dec 09
// Chad Concelmo
Not really. I have a t-shirt on. I just can’t wait for my parents to Google my name and see that headline show up in the results. But I will be on GameTrailers TV tonight! I was one of the “gaming expe...

Gather around old man Niero: Destructoid turns four

Mar 16
// Niero Desu
Friday night, 11pm at the Destructoid + Astro party:   "HEY! HEEEEY! SHUT UP! YOU! QUIEEEET!" Then, again, somehow in unison: "SHUT THE F**K UP! WE'RE GOING TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT!" (Here's the party in pictures)...

Gears of Whores is a real thing and is utterly dismaying

Feb 18
// Jim Sterling
"Finally, porn for the XXX-treme gamer in you!" Not my words, but the words of, a new Web site dedicated to gamer porn. Of course, by gamer porn I mean, "low budget porn stars doing their normal sex but wear...

A Dtoider won that No More Heroes 2 t-shirt contest!

Feb 11
// Jonathan Holmes
I've been sitting on this info for a little while, waiting to get a proper screen grab of the two winning t-shirts in action, but my screen grabbing equipment sucks and I can't wait any longer. So here there are, the two winn...

Analyzing No More Heroes 2, part 1: The bosses

Feb 06
// Jonathan Holmes
[These posts on No More Heroes 2 are purely speculation. I have no idea what the team at Grasshopper Manufacture intended for the game to mean; I can only speak to what I've taken away from it, so if you don't enjoy potential...

Jeff Minter pitches Video Game Hero

Jan 06
// Jim Sterling
Space Giraffe developer and notorious industry whingebag Jeff Minter has been hard at work on a new game that he is hoping to pitch to Activision. Not really, but his idea for Video Game Hero could be a pretty good prospect n...

Genitals ruin Christmas with help from PSP

Jan 05
// Conrad Zimmerman
Shon Goodman of Omaha, Nebraska thought he had his holiday shopping all worked out when he picked up the used PSP at a local store. Little did he know that the handheld contained a horrible secret that would destroy Christmas...

Handyís X-mas X-travaganza begins now!

Dec 24
// Handy
[Handy created this awesome Destructoid themed Christmas poem! Merry Christmas from everyone at Destructoid!] It’s that time of year again. The time of year when we forget about all our problems and just try to enjoy ou...

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