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100% Objective Review: Final Fantasy XIII photo

A few people have claimed recently that they want completely objective and unbiased reviews lacking personal opinion. I have been criticized for using my own feelings and thoughts when writing a review, which I am informed is actually a bad way to review videogames. My latest Jimquisition video tackled this subject, but the critics didn't understand it. 

With that in mind, I have decided to actually put their "objective reviews can be written" theory to the test and am now re-reviewing a game in a manner that completely negates subjective and personal thought. I decided to use Final Fantasy XIII, one of Destructoid's most controversial reviews, as the guinea pig, so please enjoy this brand-new review -- untainted by opinion, uncolored by emotion, and unclouded by my own personal thoughts.

Does it make for a better, more insightful, ultimately more useful review? I can't say ... I don't have an opinion on the matter!

Final Fantasy XIII (Xbox 360, PlayStation 3 [reviewed]) 
Developer: Square Enix
Publisher: Square Enix
Released: March 9, 2010
MSRP: $59.99

Final Fantasy XIII is a videogame released on the PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360. It was developed by Square Enix. It stars characters. One of the characters is called Lightning and that is the main character of the game that can be played with a controller. The game's story is about Lightning and a collection of other characters who must fight some other characters called Fal'Sie and save a planet called Cocoon. The story has a beginning and an ending and a middle bit.

Final Fantasy XIII belongs to the role-playing-game genre of videogames, more specifically a genre that some people dub "JRPG" with "J" standing for Japanese. Final Fantasy XIII was developed in Japan which would make this genre designation accurate. The game has things in it that other JRPGs have, such as leveling up and weapons and shops.

The battle system is a battle system. In this battle system players select commands for one character while other characters are controlled by the game's AI. Players can manually designate commands or let the AI decide which course of action is best. There is a system called the Paradigm shift which is new to Final Fantasy XIII and it allows players to pre-program how characters behave and the player can swap these behavior patterns whenever they want during a battle to deal with different circumstances. Many people enjoy the Paradigm system, but other people do not like it so much.

Player have the ability to restart a battle if it does not go well which you may or may not find useful depending on your personal preference. You might also find weapon leveling useful but that's only if you find weapon leveling useful, so whether or not you find weapon leveling useful is down to how useful you ultimately find weapon leveling. 

You can save the game if you want sometimes. 

The videogame has graphics and sound. The graphics are seen with your eyes and the sound is heard by your ears. When you start the game the graphics and the sound will occur almost at the same time, letting you know that the game has started. There is also text which players can read. 

If you buy Final Fantasy XIII and like it, then you like Final Fantasy XIII. If you buy Final Fantasy XIII and don't like it, then you don't like Final Fantasy XIII. It has things in it that some people might enjoy but other people who have different ideas of what is enjoyable may not actually enjoy it. 

In conclusion, Final Fantasy XIII is a videogame. 

Score: N/A (Since a reviewer would use his judgment to give a game a score, a score cannot be given at this time.)








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Jim Sterling serves as reviews editor for Destructoid.com, head of the Podtoid podcast, and produces a number of news stories, original features, one-of-a-kind videos. With his passionate argumentative style, controversial opinions, harsh delivery, and dedication to brutal honesty Sterling is a name that you can't help but recognize. Likes PS2, iPod Touch, Silent Hill 2, Metal Gear Solid, Dynasty Warriors 3 Meet the rest of the team



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450 comments | showing # 1 to 50
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next 50 comments

Aurain's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:04
Aurain
Cool story bro.
Squirrelygod's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:04
Squirrelygod
MY GOD! That's the most unbiased thing I've ever read......I don't know what to do.......
thatjesushair's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:05
thatjesushair
Best review, ever.
NOVENO's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:06
NOVENO
Thank you for the review Jim, or no thank you in case the Jim Haters/Square Enix fanturds don't want to.
Ace829's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:06
Ace829
Genius.
Kraid's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:06
Kraid
If this was an objective review , you would have played the XBOX360 version as well.

You are a fraud.
Leadshadow's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:07
Leadshadow
The photos you chose were what YOU thought would be best for the article, what a biased review
LazerJoe88's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:07
LazerJoe88
Don't ever change Jim.
casesomething's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:07
casesomething
Now this is more like it...
CowMuffins's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:08
CowMuffins
I love you Jim Sterling.
HARDPUNCHER's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:08
HARDPUNCHER
Emotions and opinions are for pussies.
tekbunny's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:09
tekbunny
this is fucking epic. im prolly one of the 100 people who actually agreed with your first review. im fucking sick of convoluted stories about characters i cant care about because they are whiny bitch teenagers being put into my final fantasy.

carry the flag for all of us jim.
killatia's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:10
killatia
We demand the banana's opinion!!!
KingSigy's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:11
KingSigy
Jim, your review is a critique written about something.
jkeller87's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:11
jkeller87
BIAS!!!
Dr Light ate your Magicite's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:11
Dr Light ate your Magicite
I don't know if I can tolerate that much tolerance.

Also, did anyone else hear the review in this guy's voice?
LeonJuggaloWHF's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:11
LeonJuggaloWHF
I was afraid you were becoming dangerously close to showing an opinion there for a second but then you did not show an opinion. This will appeal to people who like unbiased reviews but not to people who enjoy biased reviews. Both people exist.
However's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:12
However
This review was a review by Jim Sterling.
Time Glitch's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:12
Time Glitch
HAHA! Best parody review EVER.

"In conclusion, Final Fantasy XIII is a video game."

Win in it's purest form =)
PacificV2's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:12
PacificV2
I'd say "you make a good point", but I can't because you don't make any point.

I nod in general neutrality.
Bakewell's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:12
Bakewell
Cracking review old bean.

I bet there are a few people who take umbrage at this even though you have a neon sign that can be seen from space pointing out that tongue in your cheek.
ThrashingLimbsEd's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:12
ThrashingLimbsEd
I see what you did there

CLEVER!
Hipster Dante's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:12
Hipster Dante
It's like reading a tongue in cheek entry on Wikipedia. IT'S PERFECT!
Veidt's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:13
Veidt
You know, the sad thing is that it sounds nearly exactly like every other review from everyone else, and those aren't sarcastic. I don't always agree with your reviews, but you at least talk about genuine issues with the game instead of copy-pasting an optimistic preview. At least I have something to gauge my OWN opinion against.
Brian Keljore's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:13
Brian Keljore
@hardock spiffy

I don't think that term means what you think it means.
Prince Ghidorah's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:13
Prince Ghidorah
At the risk of beating a dead horse and with all objectivity aside, FF XIII = needlessly convoluted plot, needlessly complicated back stories and relationships between characters, a battle system that is innovative for the sake of innovation, and a slog along to the next cutscene pace.
Revisiting the game last week after making some headway into DQ IX only served to remind me that when it comes to JRPGs I prefer a good old fashioned (i.e. familiar) experience executed flawlessly to a lot of flash and dazzle that's hollow at the core.
ProperlyParanoid's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:13
ProperlyParanoid
...I don't know, I think I still smell a little BIAS.
CrimeMinister's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:13
CrimeMinister
Like OMG Jim is biased against opinions.
BrunoDeckard's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:15
BrunoDeckard
Jim Sterling is the king of tautology!
ZRB's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:15
ZRB
wtf dis is soo biased gah nother jim strelling troll masturpeice hurr derr JOURNALISM herr
Super Drybones's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:15
Super Drybones
"Final Fantasy XIII is a videogame released on the PS3 and Xbox 360..."

Nice try Jim, there's no way Square Enix would release a Final Fan.....*looks at wikipedia*.............NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! This is unforgiveable, no one is allowed to enjoy this game besides me, I must Make A Stupid Petition!!!!!!


Also

"New to the series is the ability to restart a battle if it does not go well"
Technically that's incorrect, so BIAS!!!!!!!! V had it and a few others I think.
dj-anon's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:15
dj-anon
Wait, are you stealing gametrailers' reviews now?
Dr Milkdad's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:16
Dr Milkdad
How mad am I supposed to be? Should I even be mad? I'm not even mad. Can I go home now?
HORRORBOROS's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:17
HORRORBOROS
where are your citations I don't see any
Avalon's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:17
Avalon
Ban this sick filth.
CowardlyLobster's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:18
CowardlyLobster
The story has a "middle bit"? People may not "enjoy it"? Graphics are "seen" with my eyes?

Another biased article from Jim Sterling. Psssh. U R TEH GHEYZORZZZ!!!!111!!!1!1!!oneeleven!!!1!
Jonathan Holmes's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:18
Jonathan Holmes
I've actually felt this way about certain games. Makes for an awkward review.

Pallurikio immediately springs to mind.
zanthox's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:19
zanthox
Victory!
Jackson Starburst's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:19
Jackson Starburst
I think this should prove an objective review is impossible. I can't believe it needed proving, but some (alot of) people are just too stupid.

I love you Jim.
xenoslave42's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:21
xenoslave42
Attention whoring at it's finest.
Woopman's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:21
Woopman
I love you.
triple07's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:22
triple07
Weird after I saw your Jimquisition I thought about what a completely objective review would be like. I love that you actually did it. I find it funny that people throw the word objective around all the time for reviews even though objectivity is only really important in scientific studies and even then only exists as a theoretical goal since there will always be some bias introduced by humans.
Roager's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:23
Roager
Liar, Jim. This was written by a banana. I demand that Banana gets an account so it can be properly credited. ;P
Hasney's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:24
Hasney
You can't trust those neutrals. Don't know where you stand.
phact0rri's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:26
phact0rri
I thought this review was going to be about some random guy who has never played video games before to try to review a game.
mollygos's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:27
mollygos
I can't even think of anything witty to say.
Well done.
Vandrith's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:27
Vandrith
Win
Generic Purple Turtle's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:27
Generic Purple Turtle
See jim, that's all we wanted. Was that so hard?
BoomingEchoes's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:28
BoomingEchoes
This is one of the reasons why Jim is a personal hero of mine
B34n's Avatar - Comment posted on 07/17/2010 14:28
B34n
"The battle system is a battle system"

Truer words have never been spoken.
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